FOGHORN
The magazine of the Professional Cartoonists’ Organisation (FECO UK)
Issue 31
NEWS
THE FOGHORN Issue 31 Published in Great Britain by the Professional Cartoonists’ Organisation (FECO UK) PCO Patrons Libby Purves Andrew Marr CONTACTS & COMMITTEE: Chairman Andy Davey tel: +44 (0) 1223 517737 email: pco@andydavey.com Vice-Chairman Alex Noel Watson tel: +44 (0) 20 8668 1134 Secretary John Roberts tel: +44 (0) 1565 633995 email: john@mad-badger.com Treasurer Alex Hughes email: alex.hughes @alexhughescartoons.co.uk Foghorn Editor Bill Stott tel: +44 (0) 160 646002 email: billstott@lineone.net Foghorn Sub-Editor International Liaison Officer Roger Penwill tel: +44 (0) 1584 711854 email: roger@penwill.com Foghorn Layout/Design Tim Harries tel: + 44 (0) 1633 780293 email: tim@timharries.co.uk Website Co-ordinator Noel Ford tel: +44 (0) 7041 310211 email: noel@ford1.demon.co.uk Blog Editor Matt Buck tel: +44 (0) 1962 840216 email: pco@mattbuck.com
FOGHORN The magazine of the Professional Cartoonists’ Organisation (FECO UK)
Despite horizontal rain from all quarters, suspected wet – rot in the joists and Steve Mc Claren [who he? Ed.] not featuring in the New Year’s honours list [again], the well insulated Foghorn engine coughs into life. This issue tries even harder to cram as many pearls into our twelve meagre pages as possible; from Martin Honeysett’s unique account of Japanese japery, to an academic assassination attempt from the normally shy and introverted Mr Rowson. In between, you’ll find other indispensables; the very cool PCO Guide to Jazz; the wise words of our PCO Stuff Critic,
With the Shrewsbury International Cartoon Festival almost upon us, plans are afoot at Foghorn Towers to feature a selection of the festival exhibition cartoons in the next Foghorn. The theme of the 2008 Shrewsbury Cartoon Festival is ‘Art’ and one of the highlights will be an exhibition of new work by Festival cartoonists entitled ‘But is it Art’ which will run from
and definitive opinion about buildings from Mr Penwill, ex-architect, cartoonist, panto provider and bearded person. Glueing it all together are some laugh out loud gags. If you like it – tell us. If you think its naff and a waste of your hard won dosh – tell us. Either way, we’ll print it in our Letter to the Editor slot. It’ll save me making ‘em up… Bill Stott, Foghorn Editor.
30th March - 26th April. During this weekend around 40 professional cartoonists and caricaturists from the UK and overseas will converge on Shrewsbury and will be set loose to cartoon and caricature for the public. If you haven’t already, make a note in your diaries - festival dates are 18th - 20th April.
Web info PCO (FECO UK) website: www.procartoonists.org BLOGHORN www.procartoonists.blogspot.com FECO Worldwide: http://feco.info Front Cover: Ross Thomson Back Cover: Roger Penwill 2 THE FOGHORN
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A Knife at the Opera
Foghorn is granted access all arias by Noel Ford. One of the things I love about being a freelance cartoonist is that, apart from my regular editorial slots, I never know what might be just around the corner. In more than 30 years of cartooning, I’ve had my fair share of weird, wonderful and bizarre commissions, but one that stands out in recent times is the one commissioned by the Welsh Opera singer Buddug Verona James. (Non-welsh readers should know that in Wales, a “u” is pronounced “i” and a double “d” is pronounced “th”). The job comprised, partly, the artwork for the programmes and posters for Buddug’s one-woman show, A Knife at the Opera, a very funny tale – with singing – about a serial killer who is knocking off theatre critics. Buddug plays the detective and the six divas who are the suspects. The best part of the job was drawing the characters of the suspects which were to be blown up life-size on to door-sized panels. These panels, behind each of which Buddug would disappear to make her quick changes and reappear as the character on the panel, were to be arranged in a shallow semi-circle on the open stage so that when the audience came to take their seats they would be confronted with six of my life-size cartoons. I have to confess that when I went to see the show, earlier this year, I felt a buzz when I sat looking at my characters, looking back at me from the stage, and hearing the packed house chuckling even before the show had started. For that reason in particular, this was one of my favourite recent jobs.
“Hello Goldilocks. I’m Mother Bear’s Lover...”
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You can find out more about the show here: http://www. buddug.co.uk/knife.html
Clive Collins was the PCO’s Artist of the Month for December 2007. A full list of all Clive’s clients would fill a large portion of the internet, so Bloghorn won’t go there, but instead will let Clive describe his work in his own words (mostly). “I’ve worked in most areas of the profession from newspapers to book illustration to TV to magazines. The client I’ve been with the longest is Playboy (US) - since 1972 - and the most recent and ongoing is Metro, with many loyal, happy clients in between. I’ve also won awards in Europe, Canada and Japan. Having spent most of my life working with pens and papers and inks, I now find myself having to use computer technology, simply because these days there simply isn’t the time to use ‘old tech’. However, I don’t believe that a computer makes a lousy drawing any better, so the old skills are still put to good use.” Bloghorn would like to commend Clive’s admirably pragmatic view about technology, it’s useful as long as it’s useful. Matt Buck, Bloghorn Ed
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“Oooo... you should be using a higher factor!”
The PCO’s Artist of the Month for January 2008, Londoner John Landers has been drawing gag cartoons and funny pictures since he was a boy. He attended Middlesex University in London where he studied Graphic Design and although cartoons and funny drawings featured in much of his early design work, he didn’t turn to selling his cartoon gags directly to newspapers and magazines until the early nineties. He produces corporate greetings cards, cartoon book illustration, strip cartoons, induction booklets and corporate logos. John’s cartoon work is published in many UK newspapers and magazines including Private Eye, The Spectator, Reader’s Digest, The Times, The Sun, and The New Statesman. He is also resident cartoonist for Digital Photo magazine. His jokes have been published in many countries around the world including U.S.A. Italy, Sweden, & Germany. Matt Buck, Bloghorn Ed
Hanging on the telephone Alex Hughes ponders some Stern words. Overjoyed as I was at the receipt of my DACS payment from the UK Design and Copyright Society just before Christmas, I was slightly miffed to read an article in the Studio DACS newsletter which dropped on my doormat this morning entitled ‘My short life as a political cartoonist’ by Simon Stern. Now, I’ll admit I’m not aware of Simon Stern’s work as an illustrator, and I can only applaud his work as a member of the DACS’ Board of Directors, but I was somewhat put out by the opening paragraph: “One day out of the blue I got a call from the Times Saturday Review, asking how I would feel about doing a weekly colour cartoon for the magazine? It wasn’t an offer I was about to refuse, so after gaining admission to the Times Newspaper’s armed encampment in Wapping, I found my way through a series of shabby looking buildings to the Saturday Review offices.” I understand Mr Stern‘s story 4 THE FOGHORN
to have actually taken place some years ago. I am writing as someone who has been trying to get my foot in the door drawing newspaper political cartoons, and this statement rankled. If an illustrator can be called up unsolicited to take up a position that many of us professional cartoonists would be clamouring to get, it suggests to me that certain editors don’t know where to look for cartoonists. My own experience leads me to conclude the situation has got worse in the intervening years, and how much we need the activities of the PCO to help get news out there into the world and bang the drum for
Ain’t it Cool News Royston Robertson tells all...
My cartoons have appeared in many places throughout the world, but I must admit I never expected that they would ever be seen in the Antarctic. The South African National Antarctic Expedition asked if they could use a cartoon of mine, which appeared in Reader’s Digest, on their team T-shirt for this year’s trip to Antarctica. As a result, the shirt looks like this on the back ...
The original wording was “Well, one of us is in the wrong cartoon.” That was fine for a magazine cartoon, as it was really a cartoon about cartoons, which often feature polar bears and penguins in the same place. But the SANAE wanted it changed simply to “place”, because they’re often asked by people if they will encounter polar bears during their expeditions.
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FEATURE MARTIN HONEYSETT
Two years in Japan Martin Honeysett takes us on an oriental journey Despite two previous short visits to Japan (see the PCO’s Bloghorn for the full story - www.procartoonists. blogspot.com), I still felt I was stepping into a void. The airports and motorways have that international similarity and they also drive on the left. The streets are clean and tidy, the people quiet and orderly. Even the homeless build little shelters under the bridges, with their possessions arranged neatly outside. But it’s deceptive; you begin to realise how alien everything is. A completely different verbal and visual language, different ways of thinking and doing. The inscrutable stereotype has some truth. They have two sides. The public one is formal, polite and wary of open discussion. To avoid losing “face” they will be non committal or ambiguous. Privately, they will be more open and direct. They prefer to operate within a group, saying that “the nail that stands up gets hammered down” Several Japanese expressed astonishment that I was able to live there on my own. The Japanese consider themselves and their country unique and believe outsiders will never understand the nuances and intricacies of their way of life.
“She was caught using a computer” On arrival I was given a small apartment to rent near the university, which is beautifully situated near the mountains north of the city. There were many practical details to sort out, endless forms to fill, all requiring my personal stamp, carved by one of the teaching staff. The university runs courses in arts and humanities and in the cartoon faculty there are departments for cartoon, comics [manga], and animation. Each operate independently of the other with little obvious interaction. Manga are big business in Japan, covering any topic WWW.PROCARTOONISTS.ORG
and read by most Japanese at sometime. The stories concern ordinary lives, rather than super heroes, but they held little interest for me. Many are cheaply produced and lack imagination in drawing and content. Japan has great respect for creative people, including cartoonists. Traditional arts, theatre, poetry, calligraphy, sumi-e [India ink painting] are all widely practiced and performed. They form a basis for, and coexist with, the new thriving artistic and popular cultures. Traditional art is reflected in the cartoon course at Seika. For the first year the students spend several days each week, armed with paper, clipboard, inkwell and dip pen, at the city zoo and adjacent park, drawing animals and people. Other days involve life drawing and portraiture. In the second year they begin to develop a humorous style, with classes in caricature, cartoon and story book illustration. The third and fourth year are spent developing and honing their skills. Some think that too much emphasis on tradition restricts innovation in Japanese society. An example, the head of the cartoon department, Professor Yoshitomo, would not allow students to use computers to produce work. He is passionate about cartooning and in his view computers do not produce art. I admired his passion, but felt this attitude was unhelpful. Most of the students had computers of their own so I suggested that tuition be introduced. As with other suggestions I made, these were listened to without comment. Later I would find that some of my ideas had been quietly implemented. Shortly before I left a new part time teacher was appointed, who was conversant with computers and would be giving a class in their use. Such is the Japanese way . My teaching duties as a visiting professor were not onerous, leaving plenty of time to do my own work, which itself interested the staff and students. My classes were in two or three week blocks. On the first day I would meet the students and give them a theme. Together with a staff translator, I would discuss areas within the theme to explore, then ask if there were any questions. Usually not. Over the next couple of weeks, they were supposed to come to see me with ideas and roughs, and I’d give advice. Then they would produce three or more finished works which I would mark. Finally I would give a critique to the whole class, projecting each drawing onto a screen and making comments. For the first few weeks I sat in my office and no students appeared. They were painfully shy of me as a foreigner and the language was a barrier. Most knew some THE FOGHORN
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FEATURE MARTIN HONEYSETT
Random acts of humour
English, but due to the Japanese school system of rote learning, not all could use it. Even those that could were initially too shy to do so. After a while they began to trickle in by twos and threes and became more relaxed. I attempted to learn Japanese and armed with the electronic dictionaries they all carry, we managed to communicate. Helped of course by drawing, a language that crosses linguistic boundaries. The cartoons were purely visual. Captions would have been much too difficult; hard to translate and often incomprehensible. Some had no conception of what cartooning was. The rest had at least a kernel of an idea, which we could develop together. In each year there was a handful of “naturals” with good ideas and drawing abilities. Post-graduation opportunities are pretty limited for single panel gag cartoons. Some newspapers have one or two small b/w political cartoons, but many magazines use strips and cartoon style illustration. The Japanese have a love of things cute, even adults have a small cuddly toy attached to their cell phone. There is a lot of potential in product design, packaging, advertising and marketing for cartoon characters. Eventually I learnt that there is a different attitude to university there. From junior to high school, students are expected to work and study hard, and attend private cram schools in the evenings to get good exam results. Once at university, they’re allowed to relax. It’s a holiday before the high pressured world of employment. This suits the large companies that many aspire to work for as they have their own training schemes to mould graduates into suitable employees. Given that university is also about personal development, I thought that a cartoon course was useful in terms of general education. Students had to be aware of political, social and environmental issues, to think and form opinions. It was very enjoyable and satisfying working in the cartoon department. In return the students gave me an insight into their life and culture, as did Japanese friends I made. Parties beneath the trees during the cherry blossom season, sumo wrestling, hilarious karaoke nights and numerous carnivals and festivals. During the long university holidays I travelled the country. Away from the large cities it’s a place of mountains and forests, rivers, bays and islands. All of which inspired a series of drawings reflecting my views of Japan. I was invited to exhibit within the 2006 Kyoto International Cartoon exhibition and these were well received by both Japanese and foreign visitors. Initially my contract was for one year and then extended to two. Although sad to leave I think two years was enough. It was a wonderful experience and I’d recommend Japan as a country to visit. I certainly intend to return.. 6 THE FOGHORN
“You don’t seem to have what I’m not looking for!”
“He’s gone into one of his depressions again, doctor” WWW.PROCARTOONISTS.ORG
FEATURE MARTIN ROWSON
Just for laughs Martin Rowson reveals a softer, gentler side Cartoon: Andy Davey
Last year, The Sunday Telegraph asked me to write something about Dr Tim Benson’s latest book, “The Cartoon Century”, a year-by-year anthology of the 20th century as seen by cartoonists. As usual with such commissions, I played it for laughs, albeit in a deadpan, miserablist way, saying that all the book showed was how instantly forgettable the products of our trade are, which is why we as a profession are depressive drunks to a man (and occasionally woman too). For good measure I cited the Telegraph’s very own Matt in evidence as a cartoonist tortured on the rack of his own artistry, who regularly sits at his drawing board with his head in his hands, sobbing. The point of this wasn’t that we are, in fact, all depressive drunks, but that in our chosen profession it ill behoves us to take serious, scholarly enterprises like “The Cartoon Century” all that seriously. That’s why I played it for laughs. This was despite the fact that I knew, with a hideous kind of inevitability, that not everyone would get the joke. Tim didn’t get the joke. He said he found my article rather depressing. Apart from this being a rather ungracious response to the only bit of press coverage his book received, it got me thinking about one of the oddest aspects of being a cartoonist, which is the hinterland of camp followers (of differing degrees of campness) who constantly dog both us and what we do.
A cartoon appears in print thousands or millions of times, and is therefore, in a weird way, owned by everyone who sees it, both individually and collectively. I’m sure you’ll all be familiar with these people, in all their assorted shapes and sizes. They cross the spectrum from mild interest to obsession, and range from curators to collectors to nutters, in ways qualitatively different from the way the punters respond to either journalists or “artists”, probably because cartooning exists in an ambiguous, ill-defined no-man’s-land between journalism and art. I’ve always thought that that is one of the medium’s main strengths, even though it also has the potential to drive cartoonists mad with envy and despair: although absolutely everyone is always saying how utterly marvellous we are, our work commands a tiny fraction of the money “artists” can expect, and journalists, from editors to the prat whose woeful copy we’re commissioned to redeem with our illustrations, treat us like the shit on their shoes. WWW.PROCARTOONISTS.ORG
It’s probably the nature of cartoons, how they work and the way they’re disseminated to their audience that lures out the loonies. Because a Damien Hirst installation has a single, palpable existence, it is primarily owned by whichever rich, vain idiot buys it; a cartoon, on the other hand, appears in print thousands or millions of times, and is therefore, in a weird way, owned by everyone who sees it, both individually and collectively. I haven’t got space here to delve too deeply into the psycho-dynamics at play, through the cross-currents of humour and the visual, that hook us up to our audience’s reptile brain, but it serves to make us uniquely susceptible to other people thinking they own us, while also not taking us that seriously. This goes across the board. I tend to get a lot of hate email, but I get just as much other stuff clogging my inbox from students, asking me to write their dissertations. (I even sometimes get emails from schoolchildren in faraway countries of which I know nothing, who’ve been set one of my cartoons by their English teacher, and want me to do their homework for them.) Likewise, I get constantly badgered by both publishers and scholars who want to reproduce cartoons to illustrate their works, as cartoons have provided academics with a short-cut to explication which they’ve exploited for years. In this regard, they’re simply recognising what newspaper editors know instinctively [do they? – ed.]: that one of the most powerful ways that cartoons work is on the basic level of layout, as something nice to look at and funny which will break up the deadening columns of balls-achingly dull prose. And as we know (and as Benson’s book illustrates yet again) cartoons light up History too. Sometimes I just wish they’d leave me alone, even though a larger part of me obviously craves the attention, because otherwise I’d have become an accountant. For that reason alone, I suppose I shouldn’t complain, even though moaning is one of the defining strands of cartooning DNA. But there is yet another part of me that suspects that a lot of these so-called stakeholders have no real idea why they like cartoons in the first place, beyond the fact that they think they should. As far as the archivists are concerned, I get the strong impression that my work really means little more to them than a fragment of broken pottery; whenever the irritating collector mentioned above phones me (for an interminable stretch of time) I usually spend most of the call explaining the cartoon to him. A leading London dealer, despite once saying to me with earnest intensity THE FOGHORN
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FEATURE MARTIN ROWSON anger” (who? Me?), also told me that he thinks that cartooning is just a part of the light entertainment industry. As for Tim Benson, I was recently interviewed by a nice Polish student writing her dissertation on political cartoons, who told me that Dr Tim had told her that cartoonists were of no real significance; they were just ordinary blokes doing a job to earn a crust, and you shouldn’t really read anything more than that into what we do. Well, thanks a bunch, Tim. Funny you should find it necessary to get a doctorate in something so utterly mundane, and then open a gallery too, but there you go. (In fairness, the nice Polish student said that the PCO’s very own Andy Davey observed that Tim only says things like that both to keep us in our place and the prices down.) But that’s another weird aspect of this profession we’ve chosen for ourselves: more than any other walk of life I can think of, cartooning by its very nature entails the cartoonist being beset
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on all sides by idiots: blind, capricious editors, malicious, manipulative art directors, chiselling dealers, ungrateful clients, parsimonious punters, whinging readers, and on it goes.
More than any other walk of life I can think of, cartooning by its very nature entails the cartoonist being beset on all sides by idiots. And yet, I suspect, we wouldn’t really want it any other way. It’s not only the grit that makes the pearl, but it also stops us taking ourselves, as well as everything else, too seriously. And considering all those exasperating “stakeholders”, I’m reminded of Lenin’s description of the Fabians: they may have been idiots, but in the end they were also “Useful Idiots”.
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FEATURE JAZZ Here it is! Featuring contributions from leading authorities, Foghorn presents
THE PCO ESSENTIAL GUIDE TO QUITE A LOT OF STUFF! starting in this issue with...
Most great jazz musicians are dead, many through drug abuse, old age, plane crashes, fatal illness, and in at least two cases, exploding undergarments [see Skids Molloy]. Jazz is a type of music. It’s in two categories – Traditional Jazz, played by old geezers in boaters and waistcoats, and Modern Jazz, also played by old geezers who wear polo neck jumpers and small trilbies. A tiny proportion of jazz players are young, but research suggests that many eventually become old. Traditional jazz has an easily discernable beat which goes, “Dum, dum, dum” This is provided by the drummer whilst other instruments such as cornets, trombones and clarinets play over this rhythm, going, “Deedle, deedle, deedle, PARP, PARP”, but not necessarily in that order. Well known Traditional Jazz tunes include “When the Saints go Profoundly Deaf”, and “Stuffed up the Chimney by My Sister Kate”, this last thought to be a reference to 19th century child labour scandals in New Orleans. Modern Jazz is entirely different. It tends not to go, “Dum, dum, dum” hardly at all, but some does have a bit of a beat which goes “Chik, cheeka, chik, cheeka, chik”. The other instru-
Oscar Peterson phones home
ments in Modern Jazz are dominated by the saxophones, which don’t even TRY to play together, like in traditional jazz, but go “Whaa, whaa, doodle, addle, eeem, eeem, WHAAA!”, each doing more or less what it wants. This is called “cool”. Unlike traditional jazz, modern jazz
is very intelligent and intellectually superior. Its played by people who have a higher level of understanding than us and couldn’t give a shit whether we like it or not. Mostly they are called “Zoots”or “Art”, or in a few instances, especially in and around Glossop, “Keith”.
Bebop: Hit a small buzzing creature. Boogie-woogie: Thing found up you nosey-wosey. Cross-rhythm: Angry drummer. Improvisation: Who stole the sheet music? Riff: Sound a posh dog makes. Fusion: Particular type of Jazz. Usually preceded by the word ‘Con’ Timbre: Look out for that tree.
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FEATURE JAZZ
Random acts of humour
“No, there’s no truth whatsoever in the stories that eye-tests are being made easier ”
“Shall we paint the town Moroccan Velvet or Plum Blush?”
“I’ll have a cornet please”
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LETTERS
Letters to the Editor
The Gallery
Snail Mail: The Editor, Foghorn Magazine, 7 Birch Grove, Lostock Green, Northwich. CW9 7SS E-mail: billstott@lineone.net
Lost in Translation
Dragvonian Cartoon Institute Building 9 Revolutionary Boulevard Tizbent Dragvonia 674432 Editor Dear, It was what a joy to have receiving your Foghorns Magazin and thank you. I am thinking Foghorning very funny but some of the friends of me are not to understand. The friends of me are all European and they do not see photographing of drunk cartoonists with the cigarettes up nostrils in the Fohgron. In Dragvonia, cigarettes up nostrils are to be very very funny and is Uni-
As the Foghorn’s architecture correspondent, ready, poised on one leg, spotty bowtie twirling, pencil lead licked and ready to scribe, I should first give you a bit of background. You know, state where I’m coming from so you’ll know where I’m going with this occasional column before I even get started. I trained as an architect at the end of the Sixties and the start of the Seventies, seven years in front of a Rapidograph (actually I just missed the end of the Graphos era; such an evocative name for those of you that take an interest in pens. I even used one. It was crap.) WWW.PROCARTOONISTS.ORG
versal Humor. I is to explanating them that the excellent Fogohron is produced by British people how are not Universal and strange a little bit and then they are understand. They say O! HA HA HA, We understand. The British! HA HA HA! British having in it the ENGLAND yes? ENGLAND NO GOALS, GERMANY FIVE GOALS, HA HA HA. This is what is funny at your doorstep also? I am hopeful. With a good wishes and cheerio okey dokey! Zoltan Miniscus
Supreme Direktor General in Chief
Dravcartin
Back then, modernism ruled and decoration was out. Form followed function. Outside the profession, “design” barely touched the great unwashed and we students lamented that fact. If only we had foreseen the design overkill of today we would have celebrated the lack of it then (any excuse to down more Red Barrel at the Horse and Wells). After qualifying I spent five years working in the practice of the architect of the National Theatre, Denys Lasdun. The theatre is now the Royal National Theatre and he is now Sir Denys and dead. He was an interesting, restless character and great friend of Henry Moore (good with holes), who often called into the office. Whilst charming in public, Lasdun had a ferocious temper and would occasionally verbally dismember his partners and associates, noisy events that resounded throughout the Georgian office building. We referred to him as “Dog”. He was obsessed with the quality and detail of his projects, which had to reflect his clear architectural philosophy and vision, which, if it fits any category, could be de-
scribed as Brutalism. One day, when the theatre was nearing completion, he took a cab to the site. The taxi-driver asked why he wanted to go to that “concrete monstrosity”. The following week in the office was tense. Nevertheless my time in his office was when I learned the beauty of simplicity and how challenging it is to achieve it. It’s easy to be complicated and fussy. Simple is hard. I can’t do decoration as I never learned how. My subsequent architectural career was designing and overseeing industrial projects. The clients were often no-nonsense call-a-spade-a-spade production engineers with no-nonsense Birmingham accents. They understood that all one-off buildings are prototypes, but there was no bullshitting them. Projects were finished on time and within budgets. They had to be. So that’s the experience that will be distorting my view when I take an look at our built environment on behalf of you, dear Foggy reader.
Roger Penwill
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CURMUDGEON
Soap in your eyes Addictions I understand. One or two, like smoking only too well. Others don’t bear thinking about. Some obsessions though, lead me into dangerous judgemental waters. Why are TV soaps so popular? Why do ordinary folk find actors playing ordinary folk remotely compelling? I know, I know – having actually sat through one or two cringeworthy episodes of “Corrie”- plots are bespattered every now and again with murder, infidelity, violence – just like real life, but for the most part – just like real life they offer up the daily, mind numbingly boring lives of ordinary people. And why “Corrie”? To make it more personal? My mother talks about not missing “her” Corrie.
So do quite a few other people I know. And several are not ordinary. A surgeon [OK, you do get “ordinary” surgeons who don’t get to fiddle about with anything more challenging than rampant piles], a Police Inspector – she actually collects signed soapstar photos, and, I kid you not, a nightclub bouncer [door operator], who’s a spit for the bald brothers in Eastenders. Both of them. So, I have seen several episodes of all the soaps. They’re all very, very boring. By far the worst are Neighbours and Home and Away. Lousy acting, poor sets, amateur direction. Britsoap’s a bit better, but no matter how thespinian the players, “Where you off
to, then?” “Dahn nu Vic “ remains utterly turgid. [Oh, I forgot the truly laughable medibonk series “Holby City”] How do I judge the avid viewer? Thick? Unimaginative? My door operator friend is neither, thank goodness. Do they get annoyed by my antisoap ranting. No, they do not. They smile, go, “Shush”, and if I continue, put me in the other room with straight razor, safe in the knowledge that I won’t harm myself because later, on Channel 5 is “Law and Order” – or if its Friday, “The Shield” Or, on 4, the very wonderful Sopranos. Now THOSE are Soaps! Discuss.
Random acts of humour
“Bad news, Mrs Gilfud, your job’s being transferred to India” 12 THE FOGHORN
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THE LAST WORD
The Critic You looking like me?
Foghorn’s resident critic Pete Dredge watches telly so you don’t have to. Barry Manilow, Kenny Rogers and Noel Edmonds are all personalities that I have been likened to in the past by friends and passing acquaintances. Kenny Rogers, worryingly, some twenty years ago but reassuringly there is, I’ve discovered, a website, MenWhoLookLikeKennyRogers.com, so I feel part of a global community, although the hair has thinned and the beard has long gone! Nonetheless I think I’ll restrain myself from embarking into the look-a-like industry thank you very much. Having viewed the latest Graham Norton “vehicle” for BBC 1, The One and Only, it can safely be said that the bar has yet to be raised from ground level for this particular entertainment genre. If Alison Jackson’s work with look-alikes (Doubletake, Blair: Rock Star etc) can be regarded as pushing the boundaries then this offering is most definitely amateur night at the Dog and Ferret . The production values put into the trailers for this show (probably the work of said Alison Jackson) were very much a “Fur Coat and no Knickers” moment as the resulting hour or so set aside for prime-time Saturday evening viewing was reminiscent of ITV’s Stars in Their Eyes at it’s most turgid. At least with that show there was a fresh batch of wannabees every week, giving the format a smattering of variety with winners going through to a grand final. The more recent trend of “whittling down” over a twelve-week period to an eventual winner with some sort of contractual “deal of a lifetime” as the ultimate prize is a bizarre concept. Call me a cynic but this is nothing but a “kerching!” device to get the public phone voting. Nothing is ever heard of the winning act
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ever again and the participants seem to be blissfully unaware that their extended run on peak-time telly IS their only moment of “fame”. To put it bluntly this has been a desperate fill-in between the last ratings winner series of Strictly Come Dancing and the forthcoming Oliver musical audition show, again to be fronted by the ubiquitous Graham Norton, “I’d Do Anything”. Should be the Irish presenter’s theme tune!
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