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the birth of bloom
overthinking and overreacting or so i thought. your illness does not define you i considered the worst analyzed every thought took a step back and realized this is the worst. all evidence pointed to yes but still i was reassured that it was all just in my head i was finally fed up and rightfully so from being force-fed lies you served to me from your spoon a taste of your own medicine made me the one to blame fighting fire with fire is only a game. sitting in my pool shed contemplating life didn’t even feel the tears or the pain of the knife in my tub slicing through my skin like a butcher slicing a poor pig. i got up rinsed myself off and decided that tonight would make or break us i was a fool to believe you could fix the unfixable. i cried they cried we all cried but we were not the same they cried over love i cried over loss so i hid trying to avoid what was now lost they danced and sang and laughed and cried
it took a while to notice i was gone i was busy punching myself in the face i’m not kidding i really did no metaphor just telling it how it is i wanted to know if i could feel more pain on the outside than in but to my surprise it didn’t really hurt so i tried harder and harder and as hard as i could but still no tears could be shook earfquake is the soundtrack to my misery blaming me for things i didn’t do. for a little while i didn’t feel alone (but later on i would realize it was all just an act) a trip to the er once again watching ouran and waiting until 5am just for them to say “thank you come again” heartless cruel and careless is what i didn’t realize i had signed up to deal with i ripped the bandaid off dove into the unknown a night out number one is always more fun than a night out number two it’s always inevitably blue no one saw me come in no one saw me leave (this is the part where i realized that it was all just an act) thought i was having a heart attack jumped out the door and ran came back slightly more sweaty and slightly less stressed. sat out in the open waited for no one and no one showed up. no one saw me come in no one saw me leave that fast heartbeat i felt all the way here had finally disappeared once i stepped on the 22 to make my way home
while i cried and cried and cried. i sat on the rooftop letting the darkness consume me i wished i was higher off the ground.
i’d like to say i’m doing better now and i am i’d like to say that i’ve recovered but i can’t healing is not linear
words from tumblr that continue to stick to me like the gum on the bottom of my shoe i’ve felt better and i’ve felt bad one step forward two steps back two steps forward one step back “hi im amanda” having hysterical breakdowns on the gender neutral washroom’s floor and walking home from work while crying to mitski is my specialty gifts i was born with natural talents if you will. “what you have is an amazing kind gentle soft sensitive vulnerable girl” is how my psychiatrist phrased it to my parents. i’m still here though despite it all i’m just waiting to see if the comedic tragedy i call my life will take a surprise turn and get better shocking us all.
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for months my heart had felt like my world foggy , blue and cold when i spoke to you it felt like a vacation rare, warm and beautiful in my world everything was dark and nothing was warm except for you and perhaps, my cheeks when i was lucky enough to talk to you in the dark, in the cold, in the winter, i glowed, when i spoke to you.
i long for your response, smile, wave or glance you long for many things all of which are not me.
free me free me for this is a house but this is not a home free me from this chaos what shall i do i don’t know where to go for this is a house but this is not a home confused by that travesty lost in this tragedy where do i want to be? where do i want to go? a hug which posses no love, a blanket which provides no warmth for this is a house this is not a home my mother put an extra lock on the door when i was young a front door which locks the world out but locks something else in protected from the elements but not from my thoughts not from the heavy air i’m climatized to breathe. i deserve to breathe fresh air once again but don’t we all.
days weeks years went by. the pain i felt seemed to lessen. i guess when you feel agony for so long it starts to go away, or go numb. and that is what happened to me. i became numb. i didn’t smile i didn’t laugh i couldn’t cry any longer. everyday i walked with heavy shoulders wondering why i was walking to whichever destination because i would be better off dead. the weight i carried on my shoulders began to be too much. i was tired. i was weak. eventually, i could not bear the weight any longer. living with this weight; the belief life is not worth living, is no easy load. i collapsed. i exploded. motionless and emotionless i lay in bed.
listening to my favourite song which is no longer my favourite song because all i can hear is your voice singing it.
as my eyes and mouth lay shut and my room lay dark my mind drifted but not off to sleep. it wasn't because of the coffee i had after 5 o'clock or the two i had before that. it was because tonight you were on my mind. when you were on my mind it was like trying to get a stain out of a white t-shirt, it just wasn't going to happen.
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The Search By: Hayden Aw.
The wind blew down the boy’s makeshift shelter. It had gotten a lot stronger in recent years. Then again, a shelter made of sticks and old boards held together with frayed rope couldn’t be expected to last that long anyway. Fortunately, he had been sitting just outside the shelter when it came down; simply gazing at the skyline of the ruined city. This wasn’t the first time this had happened. He’d been moving from place to place ever since everyone went away. He’d find a spot, gather up whatever building materials he could find, (there were always some scattered around near the cities and towns) and he’d build a shelter, each one different from the last. He liked to experiment, and when they came down (usually after a couple days) he’d take it as a sign to move on and keep looking. His only goal: find another person in this empty world. He’d find someone else one day. He just knew it. He couldn’t be the only one left on the surface of the earth. He just had to keep looking. In the meantime, he had the whole world to explore for himself. All its wonders, its mysteries, its secrets; waiting for him. He knew that among these vast expanses there was someone else, just living their own life unaware that they weren’t alone. He just had to find them. He packed up the few possessions he had, (some clothes, a swiss-army knife, and a water bottle) and he took one last look at his ruined shelter. Just a quick glance. He didn’t really have any attachment to the shelters he built. He then took his music player out of his pocket. He’d found it in one of the many abandoned houses that were still standing a few months ago. Somehow it had had a full charge; like a single living flower in a garden of dead weeds. It still had some battery life left in it. The boy was very careful to only use it sparingly. He’d need to find a new battery or a way to charge it soon, or he wouldn’t have any more music left to accompany him on his travels. For the past many years, his only companion had been his loneliness, always crowding his mind. It was the one dark cloud blocking out the sun on an otherwise clear day. It was the one thing that always cast a shade of doubt upon his motivation to find someone else. Sometimes the doubtful thoughts seemed painfully logical. You haven’t seen anyone in who knows how long? Why would today be any
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different? The world’s a massive place. You could search all your life and you wouldn’t cover half of it. Other times they were much more straightforward. Just give up. You’re alone and always will be. You’re being a damn fool, looking for something that isn’t there; just wasting time and effort. Usually he was able to push through it, but that didn’t mean it was easy. Eventually the loneliness would consume him. Eventually he’d snap. Music helped to keep him sane. In a world where the only sounds left to be heard were those of the weather and the wildlife, music helped him remember a time where there was so much more to hear. The boy remembered when there were roaring planes and cars speeding through the streets and the sky, before they all stopped going anywhere. He remembered when the sidewalks were bustling and the parks that he used to play in were filled with laughter and life, before they all became empty and silent. Music brought some of that magic back. He put one of the earbuds into his ear and stood up, dusting off his worn-out track pants. Where did he want to go? He looked up at the sky, and the answer became apparent. It was morning, and the sun was just coming up over the horizon, casting its mellow orange light across the sky. He’d followed the rising sun east every morning. Even when the sun rose and began to face the other direction, his course would not change. He figured he’d keep on going that way until he couldn’t anymore. It’s not like he had any better ideas. So, that’s just what he did, setting off with a hopeful optimism that was marred only by the feeling of loneliness in the back of his mind. … The girl just barely managed to slip on her shoes, grab her bag, and get out of the collapsing cottage she’d been living in before it came down on top of her. She leaped off the front steps, hit the ground running, and managed to sprint a few meters away from the little house before a massive boom hit her ears and a shockwave hit her like a truck. It sent her flying off her feet, and when she landed, she came to a very uncomfortable sliding stop on her face along the muddy forest floor. Pieces of wood, brick and glass were thrown every which way, and the girl curled up on the ground and covered her head protectively as the
flying debris landed everywhere around her, but somehow, nothing hit her directly. She laid there for a few more seconds until she was certain things had calmed down a bit, with one side of her face completely mashed into the wet and slimy earth. Groaning, she stood up; the mud yielding and squelching beneath her hands and feet. Her ears were ringing. Rubbing the mud off of her clothes and skin as best as she could, the girl looked around her and took in the new crater in the middle of the clearing, as well as all the debris that had once made up her most recent home. A lot of it was still on fire. She sighed wearily. It was the sigh of someone accustomed to being kicked around by life itself; the sigh of someone who had accepted that the universe loved to spit in her face. Every time she tried to settle down, something would happen that would force her to move. Whether it be a heat wave that dried up her water, an earthquake that tore down whatever building or shelter she’d been staying in, or even wolves that decided that the area where she livedwould make nice territory. It was always something different. The one thing all these occurrences had in common was that they were always unpreventable. There was never anything she could do. This time it had been a meteorite. An actual freaking meteorite had come down from space and had crashed smack dab into the middle of her home. Typical. Of all the meteorites the girl had seen since everyone had left, not one of them had ever hit anywhere near a manmade building. That is of course, until this one blew up her house. A noise that had sounded like the sky cracking open had been her only warning, and because of it she’d managed to spot the giant flaming rock from space through the front window, as it came streaking down towards her house. The girl had taken a painful moment to appreciate how the meteorite was an exact physical representation of her plummeting hopes before fleeing. After a quick and fruitless search through the debris outside the newly formed crater, the girl then walked to the edge of it to see if any of the food had survived. All she could see amidst the wreck was melted tin, charred beans and bits of fruit strewn across the ground. Just her luck. The girl slid down into the crater; careful not to touch any of the smoking and flaming wood scattered everywhere, as well as the giant rock from
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space that had taken up residence in the middle of it all. After what seemed like an eternity of tentative searching the girl had found but one can of fruit salad that had remained intact. There was a little bit of soot covering the label, which she brushed away with her thumb. Just one can. One can out of thousands, out of an entire room, out of entire shelves filled with cans, out of years and years' worth of food. Just one can had survived. The girl climbed out of the crater, feeling numb, and stopped at the edge. She stood there staring at the one can of fruit; feeling as though she could crush it with her one hand. She drew her arm back to whip the can to the ground, then stopped mid-throw. Shaking with anger, she sprinted to a tree at the edge of the clearing and started kicking it. Hard. Screaming obscenities all the while at the top of her lungs. For a few seconds, there was only her and the tree she felt she could kick to the ground. In her feverish anger she tried to do just that, but the tree kept right on standing, and that only infuriated her more. After running out of energy, she stopped, breathing hard. Kicking a tree wouldn’t help her find a new place to stay. It did however, make her foot hurt. Sighing again, the girl turned away and walked down the dirt path that led from the clearing where her house had once been to the main road. Once she was there, she stopped and looked up at the sky, and saw the morning sun through the forest canopy. The sky was a gorgeous blend of pink, orange and yellow, and despite everything that had just happened, it lifted the girl’s spirits the tiniest bit. She decided that she’d follow that beautiful morning sun. The girl didn’t hope to find anything but another place to stay until some other stupid thing destroyed her home or forced her to leave it. She’d given up hope of finding someone else on this earth, and had come to terms with the fact that everyone had left except her. Oh well. Taking in a deep breath of the cool and crisp morning air, she started heading towards the sun, with a mix of weariness, frustration, and the tiniest bit of hope in her heart. ... The boy had been walking down a broken road for a few hours now. Rusted cars and trucks filled the two lanes. All of them were broken down, unmoving. Some had open doors, others had broken windows. None of
them captured a speck of the boy’s attention. He had long since given up on trying to find a working automobile. All around him, birds flew and sang, squirrels, chipmunks, and even the odd fox scurried across his field of vision. Nothing new. Ever since everyone went away, he’d gotten more and more used to walking amongst frolicking wildlife with increasing endurance. He could walk all day and at the end his feet would only be mildly sore. How far had he walked since everyone had gone away? How many steps had he taken? He’d probably travelled halfway across the country, and he’d keep going. Walking down all these cracked roads and trails and paths. Wandering towards a goal whose whereabouts he didn’t know. Searching for someone, anyone. Then he’d know that he wasn’t alone. He just had to keep on walking. The boy checked the battery on his music player. It was a little under half full. He’d find something to charge it with eventually. He knew he would. People had left behind most everything when they’d all gone away, but first he needed to find someone that was still here. Even with his music, the loneliness was getting harder to ignore. It was a pit inside of him that grew with every day that passed, as he played the same old songs over and over. He was getting sick of it. That was another reason why he used the music-player sparingly. Despite this, he would keep on walking until his legs could no longer carry him. He’d keep searching until his eyes failed him, or until he’d covered every square inch of this planet. Because in the end; despite all the exploring, the search was all he had.
Sometime later as the sun was setting, the road the boy was traveling on began to lead into a forest. He followed it nonetheless. He knew that there were dangerous animals in the forest, but he felt safe enough knowing the sun was still out. Still, he needed to get through it quickly, before the sun went down. After walking for a little while in the forest, the boy noticed that the road branched off for the first time since he’d started walking down it. To the right, it branched off into a dirt path that led into a clearing. There was burnt and charred rubble scattered all around, and in the middle of that clearing, was a giant crater. Upon seeing this the boy’s curiosity was set off like an alarm inside his brain, urging him to check it out. Directly ahead, a clear stream curved beside the road,
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whose sound of rushing water brought the boy a sense of relaxation as it continued to stretch through the forest and out of sight. The boy went to the stream first, cupping the cool water into his hand. He took a sip, and another, and another, until he felt refreshed. Then he filled up his water bottle. As he did so, his gaze turned back to the clearing at the end of the path, and he gave in to his urgent curiosity. The boy walked to the crater, and as he approached the edge, he saw it was filled with charred wood, shattered glass, and tin cans. All of which were melted or burned beyond salvation. At the center was a giant rock partially buried in the earth. It wouldn’t have been unusual to see a rock such as this at a beach. It was he knew, a meteorite, and seeing it in the middle of this crater made him feel somewhat in awe. It was pretty cool. Then his gaze shifted and he spotted something that made his heart stop. There right in front of him, just beyond the crater’s rim imprinted in dried mud, were hand prints and footprints, and they were most definitely not his. He ran up to the imprints. He knelt down and compared his hands and feet to them, they were smaller than his, but not dramatically so. Next to them he saw a round imprint in the mud. The shape of a head? Had someone been lying down in the mud? That’s what these imprints seemed to suggest. Most importantly however, they told him that there was another person out there, and they might not even be that far away! The boy started shouting, started howling. “HELLOOOO!!!!....” Silence… “HELLOOOO!!!” More silence… “HELLLOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!” This time he heard a group of birds taking to the sky, but still there was no human response. After shouting for a few more minutes, the boy came to terms with the fact that whoever left these imprints behind was not in earshot, but still he was filled with excitement, because he now knew that he wasn’t alone in this world. The loneliness in the back of his mind evaporated like a drop of rain landing in a wildfire. The boy paused very briefly to think, if the person had gone west then he’d have passed them on the road, as this was the first time that he’d seen it branch off. No, he reasoned. They must be going east, the same way he was going. With this in mind, the boy sprinted onto the main road, and
started running down it in the direction he’d already been heading; his feet pounding against the ground and his heart pounding in his chest. The only thing on his mind was how determined he was to catch up with the only other person left in this world besides him. The sun had risen once more and the boy’s pace was unwavering. He was speed-walking, on the verge of running. He needed to find this other person. He needed to know that he wasn’t the only one left. The once captivating landscape, and all its glorious scenery, had become meaningless stuff. Just a blur as he moved down the road. The only point he had in focus was the road straight ahead. It stretched out for miles and miles. As far as he could see, and he was certain it went beyond that, but it didn’t matter. He was determined to go as far as he’d have to, to find the person whose footprints he’d found in the mud. The sun had set again and still the boy was walking. Step after step, closer and closer to his goal. That’s what he kept telling himself. His feet were tired and sore, and his eyes were becoming harder and harder to keep open. Sleep threatened to overtake him. It was all so frustrating. He hadn’t found another trace of this mystery person. Doubt began to take root in his mind. Had he even seen those imprints? Or in his loneliness and desperation had he imagined them? Was it just a figment of his own imagination, created to give him hope where there was none? The boy stopped, cleared these doubts from his head. No, he knew what he’d seen. He hadn’t imagined it. It was only when he stopped that he realized just how tired he really was. How would he find any traces of this person if he was too exhausted to look for them? With this frustrating yet inescapable bit of logic in his mind, the boy grudgingly came to terms with the fact that he should stop and rest for the night. Still, to stop for even a moment when he’d found the first hint at the presence of someone else just yesterday? It pained him. Sadly, continuing in the state he was in would only make things worse. Feeling a bit disappointed, the boy shuffled off the main road. He was still in the city; surrounded by crumbling buildings and streets that hadn’t been used in a great many years. Plenty of places to
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sleep. The boy spotted a lone bench on the sidewalk and decided it would be his bed for the night. He sat down on it cautiously, testing to see if it would support his weight, and after it held for a few minutes, he decided it would. Lying down on his back, with his legs dangling over the sides, the boy let sleep take him as he gazed up at the stars, allowing himself a mere second to forget the search and appreciate the beauty of the night sky. ... The girl was tired. She’d been walking for so long; or... until the sun went down anyway. She didn’t really know where she was going. There were probably plenty of places where she could settle down in the city, but she didn’t like any of them. She didn’t like all the stores and restaurants and hotels and apartments... all crumbling. All of them filled with dust and broken... everything. They were all painful reminders of the world that once was. She’d been so lucky when she’d come across that cottage in the clearing. It had hardly been damaged, and that had made it a miracle. Even more miraculous was the amount of food it had had on all those shelves; before it was all destroyed by that stupid meteorite. When everyone had left, the cities the girl once knew as thriving places filled with vibrancy and people had become barren, empty and quiet. The buildings had broken down, the roads had cracked and everything in between had slowly fallen apart in varying degrees. Ruin and disrepair had crept up on each and every man-made construction and was slowly bringing them all to the ground in pieces. There used to be so much life in the city she had once called home, and she had felt alive with it, and then everyone had left. Now it was completely dead, for the girl had left it behind. She missed those days. She remembered having parents that would hug and kiss her and play with her outside and take her to the ice cream shop on hot sunny days. The night before everyone had left, the girl had spent the day swimming and playing with her parents on the beach, and she’d gone to bed feeling tired and oh so happy. When the she’d woken up and everyone had gone; she’d cried a great deal. The noisy and animated world she’d been so used to had gone totally silent in the absence of people, and it had terrified her. She’d called
for her parents, hoping they’d come back and hug and kiss her as they had always done. They would tell her that everything was alright. They’d hold her and comfort her until she felt better, and then they’d all be happy again, but that didn’t happen. They didn’t come back. The girl had screamed and cried for her parents until her eyes had stung and the taste of blood had risen in her throat. She had sprinted out of her house and had run down the street until she could run no longer and she collapsed, then she had stopped crying. She had laid there for what had seemed like forever, and when she’d stood up, she hadn’t cried. She hadn’t cried since. There was no one left to care about how she felt, so eventually she had stopped caring about her own feelings as well. She had simply done her best to discard them like crumpled up balls of paper; like half-written attempts at a message she just couldn’t find the right words for. She had chosen instead to focus on finding a place where she could quietly live out the rest of her days peacefully. She was still searching. The girl finally peeled off the main road to enter an old library. The shelves were lined with a thin film of dust. There were books scattered all over the floor, opened and closed. So much knowledge and potential, never to be read again. (She sure wasn’t going to read them.) What she was going to do was brush off a couch in one of the many dust-filled rooms, lie down on it, and go to sleep. ... The days wore on like this. The boy chasing after the person he’d never seen. Gradually he found fewer and fewer hints that this person was going down the road he was on. The heat had dried up all the mud, had made it solid. He wouldn’t be finding anymore footprints hidden at the roadside. Still he kept going, kept walking down the seemingly endless road; while the hot sun beat down on him. The clouds had retreated and had allowed it to shine in all its burning glory down on him. The only reason the boy wasn’t sunburnt was because of the shade provided by the tall skyscrapers in the area. This vast forest of grey slabs seemed to go on and on. It seemed like a million buildings were scattered about as far as he could see on either side of the road, and more loomed
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over the horizon, always glaring down on him. He wasn’t sure the vast sheets of darkness they cast over him were much better than the brilliant sunlight. He checked the battery level on his music player, the glowing symbol was only around a quarter full. Without stopping, the boy took out the earbuds and put the music player in his bag, and kept walking in silence; through the cold dark and the burning light. ... The girl stayed in the library, never picking up any of the books. She found herself unwilling to keep moving, and didn’t know why. The library offered nothing for her but dusty books she refused to read. Their stories would be meaningless to her. Nothing more than ink stamped onto yellowing paper, stories told by a world that had left her to live among its broken pieces, or maybe she didn’t want to read them because they would remind her of the world before everyone had left. She told herself that maybe she didn’t want to move because the surrounding area was nice. There were other places she could check out here, shops and houses and such; or maybe, she told herself, it was the weather. The sky was a nice shade of grey right? Why would she want to move on when this weather was so appealing? The girl mentally listed more and more reasons for why she wanted to stay, each one more outlandish and unconvincing than the last. Eventually she came to terms with the fact that she was lying to herself. She didn’t want to acknowledge the truth because it was painful to admit that after traveling and moving for so long, she had finally given in to the pointlessnessof it all. Deep down, she knew she wouldn’t move on, because she had nowhere else. ... The boy’s feet hurt. The soles of his feet were throbbing constantly. The sun was covered up by clouds, but the heat still clung to him like a drowning man to a lifeboat. His eyes stung from the dry wind that battered him with every laborious stride he took. Just another step. He told himself. Just another step. The mantra he repeated to himself with every footfall, one step after the other, for countless miles along a road that even after all this time still seemed without end. He kept going even though he’d found no trace of anyone for days now. He only had his hope. His blind stupid hope that maybe, just maybe; he was still going in the right direction, and maybe he’d catch up to whoever it was he was chasing.
The boy stopped, he only intended to rest for a moment, but fatigue came rushing at him like a tidal wave, and his legs gave out and he fell painfully to his knees. In his moment of weakness, the memory of the day everyone had gone away came rushing back to him as well. That day he’d been playing with his friends after school. His parents had come to get him, they’d come through the classroom door and he’d felt sad because he knew he had to leave his friends. He waved goodbye to them, they all waved back, and then his parents had driven him home. There’d been a “classic” song playing on the radio. That’s what his dad had said. He and his mom had sung along to it, and he tried to join in. Even though he didn’t know the words, and then they’d gotten home, and his parents had taken him upstairs for nap time. He’d fallen asleep feeling happy. He’d woken up on his own. This in itself was strange because normally his parents woke him up. He had climbed out of bed and had gone downstairs. No one was there. He’d searched the house for his mom and dad, every empty room increasing his worry. He’d run outside, maybe they were gardening in the front yard? They weren’t there. That’s when he’d noticed that there wasn’t anybody anywhere. Empty cars stopped in the middle of the road, doors left open, there was a hose running at his neighbour’s house, the water forming a large puddle on their lawn. He’d wandered up and down the streets calling out for someone, anyone. He’d looked into empty house after empty house and after what seemed like forever, he’d given up on searching. Everyone had gone away, and he was the only one left behind. He’d curled up into a ball, there in the middle of the street, and he’d cried. The boy stood up, groaning as he did so. The memory fading into the back of his mind. He remembered coming to terms with his solitude, and he remembered beginning his search for someone else. In the years after that, he’d gotten the chance to explore so much; to see so many amazing things while he looked for someone else, and that day where he’d felt so lonely now seemed very far away. Because now he had a purpose. The boy brought that purpose to the front of his mind, and with this
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newfound motivation, he started to walk again. Every step bringing him a tiny bit closer to a goal he could not see. … The girl woke up in the library, the morning sun illuminating her colourless surroundings. She looked around, every dusty object, every book, every shelf, every chair, every broken computer, was in the exact same place as it had been when she’d arrived. Of course they were. Nothing had changed. Of course nothing had changed. Why would anything change in this stupid fucking world? How long had the girl been wandering aimlessly? How many roads had she walked down? How many rivers crossed, mountains climbed, valleys traversed, how far had she come? And for what? She was still no closer to finding anything at all. She should have stayed exactly where she’d been the moment that she’d realized everyone had left. At least then she wouldn’t be so fucking tired. So much time, so much effort, so much pain. All so she could live out the rest of her days in a dusty library filled with books she couldn’t bring herself to read. The girl fell to her knees on the library floor, shifting the dust for a moment before it settled down around and on top of her; the weight of the complete and utter futility of her struggles keeping her from getting back up like a cinderblock on her shoulders. She had travelled countless miles and hadn’t moved an inch. She couldn’t change that; couldn’t change anything in this empty world that everyone, including her own parents had left behind for god knows where. Why even try? Let it all crumble until she could sleep among rubble that didn’t reach the sky and block out the starlight. The girl decided then and there that she would live out the rest of her days here. Her days of wandering were over, this she decided with absolute certainty. Of course, that’s what she’d said about the cottage in the forest. ... After a few more hours of agonizing walking, the boy collapsed and hit the ground. Hard. He tried to get up. He really did. He strained for what seemed like hours to move, to force the tiniest bit of strength into his burning legs. He tried to get back on his feet, but he’d been on his feet non-stop for days. His legs burned and his body ached, and it felt like it was all he could do to keep breathing hot air into lungs that felt like they
were on fire, as he lay there on the hot concrete on his stomach, head tilted to the side. He willed himself with every ounce of his soul to stand up and his body simply wouldn’t respond. He couldn't move. From his eyes sprang tears of fury, frustration and fatigue. All this pain, he’d gone through so much and found nothing. He lay there crying and feeling sorry for himself. The boy fought the urge to just fall asleep then and there, but it was so tempting. Just let the warm embrace of unconsciousness bring him the sweet relief from all his aches and pains; the relief the boy had denied himself for so long. Just rest... and let the darkness take him… But still in the boy’s heart there was a spark of that hope that had kept him going for so long. Not much, but it was there, and with more will than he knew he had, the boy slowly fed that spark until it flared up, became a flame. He fed it more, it grew hotter and hotter, became an inferno, and that inferno spread from his chest outwards to the rest of his body. He wanted to find this person. He wanted to find this person so much and so badly that it hurt more than the pain in his legs. It fuelled him, and using that burning desire he slowly started to move. His muscles burned and shook and his bones creaked, and still he moved, got one hand underneath him, two hands, and with a surge and a cry of effort he got up on one knee. He stayed in that position, nearly passing out again, the blackness threatened to consume him, and just when it seemed like he would fall again the fire flared up and overtook him instead. It swallowed him completely, and now he was filled with the overwhelming and all-encompassing belief that there was someone out there and he was going to find them. He’d keep searching until his bones turned to dust and then some, this pain was nothing compared to the fire inside him, and that fire flared again, grew white-hot. It burned at its absolute brightest and the boy stood up on shaky legs. He opened his dry mouth and let out a roar. A roar of challenge and defiance at this empty and barren world that stood between him and the only other person in it. A roar that told this world that it would not defeat him, it would not stop him. Did this world think it could keep him down?! Did it really think he would let it get to him?! NO! He screamed until his lungs burned like fire along with the rest of his body and every tendon and sinew and fiber felt ready to tear
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away from his skeleton. He screamed until his voice was reduced to a whisper and finally when he finished, he drew in a deep breath and the fire died down a bit. He felt it again now; the weariness, but he wouldn’t let it overtake him this time. Not now, not ever. The boy took one painful step forward, and every step after that only increased his agony, sending burning streaks of pain up his legs. He kept walking. He didn’t end up going very far. ... The girl had given in and was trying to read. Her eyes drifted over the words printed on dusty pages one by one. Every letter ploddingly scanned over as the pages turned and the fine layer of dust dispersed from the paper, one page after the other. She had nothing else to do. She was done exploring outside, so she had gone back on her word and had decided to bury herself into a world already written, one with a pre-determined fate. A world filled with imaginary lives that had already been lived out, so that maybe she could escape the grey and empty life of her own. That’s what she’d been trying to do anyway. “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGHHHH!!!!!!” It was a scream unlike anything she’d ever heard, and she had run from howling wolves and roaring bears during her travels. Beyond that however, she’d mostly travelled in relative silence. This scream, this roar, it shattered the silence she’d grown so used to living in like a sledgehammer through a mirror, and it was as if a barrier between her and the rest of the world had been shattered as well. This scream; it was a scream of pure rage and pain. It was the roar of an angry beast, and beyond that... it sounded like it belonged to a person. It had been so long since she’d heard the voice of another person, but there could be no doubt, this scream was much too raw and loud to be imagined. For the first time in equally as long, the girl felt hope. Throwing the dusty book aside, she shot to her feet and bolted out of the library. Maybe... could it be? She shoved open the library door and stepped outside. ... The boy heard her before he saw her. From behind him, there was a loud bang; followed by a small gasp, and then with an effort, he turned.
He saw the door leading into a library closing, and the girl who had just stepped outside, standing there. An expression of shock and awe was on her face. She was covered in dust, her long blonde hair turned slightly grey by it. She wore dust covered pants and a dust covered sweater, but it was her face, her dust-covered face, that captivated him. For the first time in such a long time; the boy saw a face that wasn’t his own. A pretty face that looked so weary in spite of the expression of astonishment. He looked into eyes that weren’t his own, and in those eyes, there were nothing but tears. He didn’t think they were tears of sadness. The fire inside him guttered and went out, and with it, his legs gave out, and he fell to his knees. He felt so relieved, so glad that finally he could rest. He was so tired... For a brief moment it was all he could do to keep his head up. Finally, after all this pain and after coming so far... he had found it. He had found her. He wanted to speak, needed to speak to her. He opened his mouth, tried to say something, anything to this miracle he had found. “Hello.” And then his energy ran out, and he fell forward as his vision, and the girl filling it, faded away. He was scrawny. The girl could see that through his jacket, which practically hung off of him. He had short curly brown hair and an odd face that reminded him of the elves she used to see in picture books, features sharp and yet oddly baby-like. He looked like he was about to fall asleep. His chest was heaving. His eyes were ringed by dark circles. He fell to his knees and the girl didn’t move. He looked her in the eyes and with this simple action the girl found herself tearing up. His eyes told a story filled with pain and exhaustion; all to find her. All so that he wouldn’t be alone, and in that moment, she felt an impossibly strong empathy towards him because every part of her truly understood his external and internal struggle. He opened his mouth and said one word in a voice that sounded hollowed out, like it was normally full of energy, except now it was empty. “Hello.” Then he slowly tilted forward and his eyes rolled back, and the girl rushed forward to catch him as he fell. She managed to grab him under the arms and keep him from hitting the ground. He was much heavier than he looked. He felt like a doll in her arms, a very heavy, grimy and sweaty doll.
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The girl laid him as gently as she could on the ground, and then took a moment to catch her breath. When she had recovered enough, she hooked her hands underneath the boy’s armpits once more, and slowly dragged him off of the road, up the sidewalk curb, and into the library. Then she laid him on the floor beside the couch. He didn’t look like he’d be waking up anytime soon. She went to get him some water from the canteen in her bag, he looked like he needed it. She propped him up a bit, tilted his head up, and poured it into his mouth. Thankfully it went down. Having covered what seemed like the most pressing concerns regarding the boy’s health; the girl took one last look at his face before laying down on the couch. It looked peaceful; it didn’t look like the face of a person who could let out such a powerful and angry scream. She waited to see if he would wake up, and when he didn’t, she gradually grew tired herself, and went to sleep. A mix of feelings overcame her with the knowledge that she wouldn’t wake up alone. She felt happy to know she wasn’t the last person on earth. She felt hopeful, because now that she had someone with her, so many doors seemed to open up, and she felt a vast and overwhelming sense of relief; because at long last, she wasn’t alone anymore. The girl slowly drifted to sleep with tears of joy in her eyes. It was nice. The boy woke up. His eyes opened, and upon seeing he wasn’t outside, he sat up and looked around. He saw shelves filled with books and tables with computers on them. Everything looked ancient. There were dusty books strewn everywhere, and a cloud of dust seemed to permeate the air; thin but ever-present. His nose apparently, didn’t like that. An overwhelming tickling sensation filled his sinuses and he began to sneeze. A lot. His nose began to run and his eyes watered, and still he sneezed uncontrollably; settling into an incredibly irritating rhythm. Inhale, sneeze, wait. Inhale, sneeze, wait. This went on for a few minutes while the boy attempted to gain his bearings. Finally, he realized he would be unable to keep his sanity in this state, and rushed out of the library, still sneezing. He shoved open the door and stepped out into the sunrise, free of the oppressive dust cloud
and gradually the tickling in his nose and the itching in his eyes subsided, and his breathing returned to normal. Somewhere in the back of his mind, the boy noted how worn out he felt. The girl woke up to the sound of sneezing. Achoo! Achoo! Achoo! The sound breaking the dull silence every few seconds. She sat up and looked around. She saw the boy sneezing and stumbling outside. He was awake. Her heart started beating faster. She was nervous, she hadn’t talked to someone else in so long. Dusting herself off a bit, she got up off the couch and followed the boy outside. She opened the door and found him standing on the sidewalk, wiping his nose with his sleeve. She was nervous, and eager to speak for the first time in years. The girl inhaled, and uttered the first word she had spoken since everyone had left. “Hi.” The boy froze for a second, like a deer in headlights, and then turned to face her. The girl saw that his nose was red and his eyes were watery. He still looked very tired. “Hi.” he replied. His voice was slightly deeper than she’d expected. It wasn’t gravelly, but there was no mistaking him for a child. This was the voice that could roar like a beast, but right now it sounded.... stuffy. The girl had missed hearing a normal voice; one that wasn’t hers. It felt so good to not be alone. There was an awkward silence. The girl didn’t know what to say, and it took the boy a few seconds before he figured out what he wanted to say as well. “It’s really dusty in there.” He said, pointing towards the library. He spoke hesitantly; as though he still couldn’t believe he was talking to someone else. “Is that why you were sneezing?” The girl asked. “Yeah.” he answered, fidgeting. Again, there was a brief silence… “Where were you going?” “I was trying to find you!” The boy replied eagerly. “I found your old house! It was in a clearing in a forest and it was all destroyed when I found it. There were a lot of melted tin cans, and then I saw your footprints in the mud and I followed them until there weren’t any more. I kept going along this road still, and then you came out and found me!” He seemed very happy to tell this little story.
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“Yeah... that was my house.” She confirmed, feeling amazed. Here was another actual human being. Something she never thought she’d see again, and she was speaking to them! In a strange way it was like finding an exotic animal. The girl didn’t dwell on that thought for too long though. It was weird. “That was you that screamed really loud right?” She asked. The boy shuffled nervously. “Yeah...” “Why?” “Because... I was telling the world I wouldn’t give up.” He said this resolutely. “Well... you found me!” The girl said, not entirely sure why she said it. “I...” The boy tried to speak while taking a step towards her, and he stumbled. He seemed unsteady on his feet. The girl went to him and held him up. “You should rest a bit.” She said, feeling concerned. He was breathing heavily. After a few seconds he was able to speak again. “Can... can we go... not in the library? If we go in there, I won’t be able to breathe. It’s too dusty.” The girl nodded. “Sure.” It’s not like she had anything worthwhile in there anyway.
The next few days were spent in an old house across the street from the library. It had a gaping hole in the roof, and in places the walls had collapsed, but beyond that, it was relatively intact. They mainly stayed in the living room, where two old couches were laid out at the edges of the room in an “L” shape. The girl spent most of her time reading books she’d taken from the library on one couch. The boy spent most of the time laying on the other; only getting up to stretch and to eat. During the day they mostly sat together in silence, content on enjoying each other’s company, the girl reading and the boy just lying there; either sleeping or gazing at whatever his mind decided was interesting. Mostly his mind decided to look at the girl, who also found him to be very interesting to look at as well. They both still had to process that there was someone else with them from time to time.
Sometimes they’d talk briefly. They’d exchange stories of what they’d been doing since everyone left//went away. (They couldn’t agree on what to call that life-changing event.) The one topic they never discussed was their lives before it happened. Neither of them wanted to dwell on those days. At night, when it got too dark to read, the girl would close her book and lie down on her couch, and they would talk. It didn’t really matter what they talked about. It was simply nice for both of them to engage in conversation with another. Hearing someone else’s voice made everything seem better. “Where do you think everyone went?” The girl asked one night. The boy shrugged. “I don’t know.” “You don’t have any ideas?” She asked dubiously. “Not really...” “Do you care that they left us here?” The boy shrugged again. “I don’t think they left us here on purpose.” “But they did.” The girl said with bitterness in her voice. “They left us behind and they left everything else behind to fall apart and break.” To her irritation; the boy shrugged yet again. “After everyone went away. I used to get sad a lot because I was all alone, but now I’m not! I found you, and I’m just happy that I’m with another person.” “But you don’t care about where everyone went?” The girl asked again. “Do you really think we’ll ever find out?” The boy asked. The girl hesitated. “No, but-” “I don’t really think that always wondering where they went will help us do anything. Since we’ll probably never find out.” “I guess not...” The boy lay back and stared at the ceiling. “I used to think a lot about where everyone was. I always wished they would come back, but they never did. So I stopped worrying about it. I taught myself where to find water and how to get food and stuff, so it’s not like I need anyone to help me survive. Plus, I’m with you now so I don’t feel lonely any more. I’ve got everything I need, so I don’t really need everyone to be here anymore.”
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The girl sighed. “I just miss everything.” She said with a heavy heart, sadness weighing down her words. “I miss my parents, and I miss my friends. I miss how it used to be. When everything was so... alive. I wish I could see my parents again, and then they’d hug me and kiss me and we’d all be happy together... I don’t even know where they went. I didn’t even get to say goodbye.” There was a bit of silence before she spoke again. “I miss my mom and dad.” There was silence for a few minutes. The girl sat there, thinking about the past. It felt good to talk to someone about all these things. She’d kept them pent up in her head for so long, and it was a relief to release them. Despite the sadness, she felt better. She felt lighter than she had in a long time. Her thoughts were interrupted by the sounds of sniffling. In the darkness she couldn’t clearly see the boy. Her first thought was that his allergies were coming back. “Is it too dusty in here?” She asked. Silence for a moment. “...No.” The boy answered, his voice sounded choked. “Are... Are you crying?” The girl asked. Gently this time. Silence for another moment. “...Yes.” The boy answered with a voice that spoke of a dam about to burst. “Do... do you want a hug?” “Yes.” The boy answered immediately, then he started sobbing. His hitched breaths keeping the silence back. The girl went to him. By the faint moonlight coming through the hole in the roof she could see that he was sitting hunched over with his head in his hands, sobbing all the while. She sat down next to him, and hugged him. He was warm. Eventually the boy regained a bit of his composure. He sniffled for the last time, and just sat there in silence. The girl keeping him in her embrace, which reminded him of the hugs he got from his mother.
He could have told her how her words took him back to those days before the world became a much emptier place. He could have told her how much he missed those days of companionship and love, the days that were now gone forever. He could have told her everything he wished so badly he could have for just one more day until the sun came up. He didn’t say any of these things. He simply said a few words in a quiet voice, and he felt that pit of loneliness inside of him close. “I miss everything too.” That was all that needed to be said, and the girl understood enough. ... A few days later, the boy woke up. He had mostly recovered from his long and trying journey. He got off the couch and sat there silently for a moment before standing on legs that no longer shook. He picked up his bag, gathered his things into it, strapped it onto his shoulders, and walked out the front door. “What are you doing?” The girl asked with a worried voice. She had woken up and the boy hadn't been there. After a quick scan of the house, she’d opened the front door to find him standing just outside, with his bag strapped securely to his shoulders, staring up at the sky. Upon hearing the girl he jolted a bit, as though coming out of a trance, and he turned to face her. “Were you just going to leave?” She asked, getting angry. “Like every other person on earth?!” “Do you like walking?” The boy asked out of the blue. He didn’t exactly sound nervous, but unsure maybe? It was hard to tell. The question caught her by surprise. “No.” She answered honestly. “I walked by myself for a really long time. I’m kind of sick of it.” As she said this, she saw what she thought was dismay seep into the boy’s face. “Oh. Yeah... I walked for a really long time on my own as well, but then I found you.” The boy scratched his head nervously. “I want to keep going. I was going to ask you if you wanted to come with me.” The girl frowned. “What?” “I’m going to keep going.” he repeated. “Go where?” The girl had no idea what he meant.
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The boy struggled to find the words. How was he supposed to describe how he felt? How could he make it so that the girl understood? The boy stopped to think; he closed his eyes. Slowly the words came to him like bottled messages washing up on shore from the sea, and when he opened his eyes, the girl caught a glimpse of wonderment. The boy gestured towards the road that stretched out of sight and the open horizon with a wave of his arm. “I want to explore.” He said these words from somewhere deep within. He spoke them reverently; like a priest praising his almighty god. Then he started talking quickly and excitedly like a child seeing some new amazing thing for the first time. The girl found the sudden change a bit confusing. “I want to see everything that I can see. The whole world is empty, so we can go wherever we want! There’s so much stuff out there and I want to see it all! It’s all waiting for us, and...” He grew a bit quieter. “....it will be so much better if I’m not by myself.” He took a deep breath. “Will you come with me?” The girl saw how hopeful he looked, and didn’t know what to do. She had been so certain that she never wanted to go anywhere ever again. She’d gone through so much, but now… She just stood there, silent and unmoving for a few seconds. The boy started to get worried. The seconds stretched into what seemed like hours, and just when the boy was about to open his mouth again, she turned and ran back into the house, swinging the door open so fast it slammed shut on its own with a loud bang. “Oh.” The boy stood there, feeling sad. He couldn’t stay in that library; it was so dusty and he couldn’t stay in one place for too long in general, no matter how much he wanted to. He knew that eventually his desire to explore would override everything, everything except his loneliness, which he’d more or less quelled by finding the girl. He’d found someone else, and just like that, he found he wanted to keep exploring. He didn’t think he could bring himself to stay. He’d finished one journey; it was time to start another one. He supposed he’d have to make do with the knowledge that he wasn’t alone in the world. Even if he was alone on his travels. With a heavy heart, the boy turned away from the house and started walking down the road that stretched out of sight. He felt sad, but that was that. He’d found someone, but that someone didn’t want to come with
him. Nevertheless, this journey was over. Onto the next. He figured he’d just keep on walking until he didn’t feel like it anymore. The boy felt empty, he’d been chasing the girl without even knowing it for so long and just like that, she was gone, and he was walking on his own again. Oh well.
“Wait!”
The boy whipped around. The girl was running out of the library with a backpack on. He stood there in shock until she caught up to him. “You’re coming with me?” “Where are you going?” “I...” The boy had no idea. “I don’t know.” He answered truthfully. The girl smiled; she looked so happy, and it was infectious. The boy found his spirits rising as he saw her smile. “Sounds good to me.” She said, and the boy’s heart soared. “Really?! That’s... great!!” He found himself grinning as well, and... was he about to cry? “Are you alright?” The girl asked, sounding mildly concerned. “Yeah! I’m just... I’m really happy you’re coming with me.” The boy answered, as he wiped his eyes. “Before we start going though, what’s your name?” The girl felt inexplicably uncomfortable asking this, as though she were asking him to reveal a dark secret. The boy had to take a moment to remember, he hadn’t used or said his name in so long. When it came into his head, he told her. The girl smiled again. “I like that name. It’s cool.” She said. The boy felt relief upon hearing this. “What’s yours?” The girl told him. Now he smiled. The girl noticed his bottom teeth were the slightest bit crooked. To her, it was a bit endearing. “I had a friend with that name. Before everyone... went away.” “Small world.” The girl replied. “What does that mean?” The girl shrugged, “It’s something my dad used to say. It means finding familiar things where you didn’t think you’d find them.”
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“Oh. Cool!” They both started walking down the road, away from the house with the hole in the roof and the library full of dust and old books; heading out into the empty world, together. One feeling very glad that he got to wander the world with some company, and one feeling as though she had finally found what she’d been looking for. … “Do you like music?” The boy asked as he remembered the music player was still in his bag, and it still had battery life. The girl smiled, remembering days when she’d sing and dance to songs that would play on the radio in her kitchen. “Yeah, I like music.” The boy took out the music player, and untangled the earbuds as they went. It took a few minutes, during which the only sound to be heard was their footsteps on the cracked asphalt. “There’s still a bit of battery left in it, I used most of it when I was walking.” He said as he handed it to her. She took it hesitantly. “You’re sure it’s ok for me to use it? What if it runs out?” The girl didn’t want to be the reason that the boy no longer had any more music. He shook his head. “It's ok. I’ve listened to those songs a lot. Probably too much.” The girl was a bit struck by how casual he sounded. After all, he had an actual working music player! Still, if he was letting her listen to music, she wasn’t going to give up that chance. She pressed the power button and felt a bit of satisfaction as she realized that she remembered how to use the music player. She wiped the earbuds off, put them in, and pressed play. A song filled her ears and she closed her eyes and laughed. It was a happy song, and she felt happy right along with it. She’d forgotten how amazing music sounded. The girl opened her eyes and the world seemed a bit brighter, a bit more open. Then she turned and saw the boy walking alongside her. He seemed happy enough, but he wasn’t listening to music. She pressed pause, took the earbud out of her left ear and tapped the boy on the shoulder. They stopped walking as the boy turned to her. “Put this in.” The girl said, handing him the earbud. “Don’t you want to use it?” The boy sounded uncertain. “We both can. Then we both get to hear the music.”
“I... ok.� The boy stammered as a smile appeared on his face. He took the earbud and put it into his left ear. The girl pressed play and they both started walking again. The earbuds weren’t that long. If either of them tried to move apart too far the earbud would fall out. Because of this, the boy and the girl walked so close together that they were almost bumping into each other. Neither of them minded.
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