FROM THE BOSSMAN

BY ALLAN SKO [ALLAN@BMAMAG.COM]

‘Takes all kinds to make a world,’ we carp at opportune moments of twee. But in the kaleidoscope of human combination, there is one distinct line that places us on one side or the other.

You’re the kind of person that ‘gets offended’, or you’re not.

Upon clicking on an intriguing header for an AdNews article that stated, ‘Penis billboard draws complaint’ (I mean, how could you not?) I read about a pious fellow who had complained about the word ‘Penis’ being printed in 1200 point font over a Melbourne main highway. It was part of an ad was for the upcoming Puppetry of the Penis show; the complaint read thusly:

‘We teach our children to behave civilly and use words appropriately. This billboard offends against this dignity by thrusting the male genital part into the public arena for entertainment and laughs...

‘Since the billboard is on our route to the City, to Church, and to numerous other events, we cannot avoid it without taking considerable detours. It is clearly visible from places we have been invited to with our children. We are reluctant to expose our children to it for that length of time, so it is affecting our freedom to participate. We would like it to be removed.’

To recap, this poor bastard, and his long-suffering family, is driving an extra 45 minutes out of his way simply because he doesn’t want to see the word penis. Not an actual penis, mind, but the word penis (and let’s not get into the evident sexual frustration on display here‘Thrusting’? ‘Exposed’? ‘Length’? Good Lord, indeed...)

This, friends, is someone firmly entrenched in ‘gets offended’ camp. Being in the perpetual grip of finding everyday things offensive must be exhausting, ensuring infuriating walk-on-eggshells relationships. And the very term, ‘I find that offensive’, is a subtle power game. “I find that what you have said is offensive, therefore I want you to change your behaviour so as to not offend me any more.”

Well you can just go and fuck right off.

I mean, I say that—using up one of BMA’s precious swear stocks for the year for hopefully comic effect—but I actually feel for these folk.

As such, and for our poor 45-minute-detour-penis-guy, here’s another version of that letter which may help:

‘Dear Ad Standard Board,

I have recently seen a billboard that uses a word I am uneasy with. Inflicted with a staunch upbringing, having been indoctrinated to believe that the male organ is, in fact, the very instrument of Beelzebub himself, I have shied away from any education, or indeed interaction, with the subject since the age of five.

‘And now, with my own children to love, care, and fiercely protect, I find myself ill-equipped to deal with this confronting scenario.

‘As such, I am asking for help. How can I teach my children about the concept of a p... a pa... a peeahhh... a prong-dangle? For currently I am doomed to see them wallow in humourless ignorance, before gradually and inevitably developing deep-seated emotional issues tied to the mystique of sex, ultimately winding up with their adult selves penning angry letters with curious word choices like ‘thrusting’ and ‘exposed’.

Your assistance would be greatly appreciated, 45-minute-detour-penis-guy.’

Rob Aspinall is a multi-instrumentalist, producer, and DJ based in Canberra, providing infectious R&B grooves and neo-soul flavour to his audiences. Taking influence from the likes of Masego, Jordan Rakei, Hiatus Kaiyote, Robert Glasper, and Allen Stone, Rob and his band blur the lines between jazz, hip hop, and soul to create crossgenre intricate soundscapes, with carefully crafted lyrics depicting experiences from self-love to artistic struggle. All this can be enjoyed via new track Misty Morning Roads, and its subsequent launch show with special guest Sam Sly! From 7:30pm, $20 + bf via Humanitix

Two of Canberra’s powerhouse, horn driven bands will come together for one night of big sounds. Brass Knuckle Brass Band has been a CBR mainstay, and festival fave, for over a decade; not bad for a group first thrown together for a one-off Wednesday night jazz gig. Lucy Ridge and the Derby Widows have quickly established themselves as a powerhouse ensemble, with a nine-piece band complementing the show-stopping vocals of Lucy Ridge. Their soul and blues sound, full horn section, and insightful song writing will make you move and think in equal measure. From 7:30pm, $20 + bf via Humanitix

Jamie Hutchings and Darren ‘DC’ Cross both emerged from the Australian alterna-boom of the ’90s—Hutchings originally as the founding member of Bluebottle Kiss, with Cross being out front of Gerling—and have been crossing paths ever since. At their upcoming show, Jamie will be performing songs from his expansive, critically acclaimed back catalogue, from ‘Kiss to Infinity Broke, and solo stuff to boot. Darren will be performing as DC Cross: instrumental folk guitar, three albums in, and just off the road as special guest to Ed Kuepper and Jim White. 8:30pm, $20/$15 via venue

Witchskull have finally announced the fruits of the past year’s labours with the announcement of their eagerly anticipated fourth studio album, The Serpent Tide. To celebrate the occasion, the band are crowning a huge bill dubbed Metal Knights. The mini-fest features an impressive cast, including Pure Envy, Elm Street, Dark Horse, Just Say Ozzy!, and Aiffel. This marks the Australian Croation Club throwing open its doors to live music more, so there’s a multitude of reasons to get along and support. If none other, than to have a bloody good time. 4:30pm - midnight, $55 via Moshtix

UK death doom purveyors Esoteric are bringing their 31 year, seven album history to town. From the mind-bending darkness of ‘90s double albums Epistemological Despondency and The Pernicious Enigma, to the expansive epics in The Maniacal Vale and Paragon of Dissonance, they have never compromised on their initial aim – to unleash aural mayhem. With supports by Sydney’s excellent Burden Man, and Canberra’s own death doom vets Futility, this is a must for fans of epic death-laced doom metal. 7pm, $44.40 via OzTix an award-winning creates music that between cinematic folk and baroque pop. Otherworldly harmonies, and honest and existential lyrics, are suspended in deeply nuanced production. Dreamself is her third studio album and celebrates the liminal space between awake and asleep, where stories unfold through abstraction and try to make sense of experiences and situations. See her, and support Amy Vee, this July. 7pm-9pm,