Crying Wolf

Moonshadow: Work, Rest, Play

To mark the occasion of the one hundred year anniversary of humans first landing on Mars, BMA’s Chris Marlton takes a moment to reflect and recall some of the significant events that have occurred over the years.

Yes, I’m being followed by a moonshadow Moonshadow, moonshadow...

“What few people know is that my grandfather, Cat Stevens, wrote that song from the perspective of the planet Mars.”

- Stephen Stevens, Head Scientist, Kolonise Mars Mission

Famously quoted now, this original utterance formed the opening lines of Professor Stephens speech, given on Friday, 4 August in 2034, when independently funded and operated Kolonise Mars (K-Mars) launched the space shuttle Clooney VII on its mission to colonise Mars.

Year 2037 - Landing Party

A crew of 72 arrived on Mars on Tuesday, 13 January, 2037. Revolutionary at the tim, the entirety of the Clooney VII space shuttle were descendants of celebrated musicians. This was essential, following the scientific breakthrough of the century by Netty Petty (grand-daughter of Tom) that musical ability was not only a genetic trait, but the very cells of those with Musical-DNA (known as MDNA) were involuntarily grooving to the songs of the universe. More importantly, that space is dense with this music. The Van Allen radiation belt enveloping earth can only be traversed by MDNAs without damaging side-effects. So, on 13 January 2037, Co-Captains of the Clooney VII, Melissa Stipe and Lizzy Garfunkel, landed the ship, and claimed the planet as the first K-Mars colony. Life under the domes had begun!

2042 - Second Best Join the Rest

Five years after the initial K-Mars colony was established, a second, much-larger shuttle arrived. This shuttle was carrying terraforming machinery, regenerative and sustainable food capsulators, and hundreds more of the MDNAs that were needed to increase the speed of the K-Mars project.

This second ship was named Double-Blue, after the recently extinct Blue Whale. Its Captain, Tom Santana, was adamant the project would continue to be successful.

“I don’t want to be tone-deaf to the dangers that exist out here in the cold darkness of space, but we’ve got some incredible dancers aboard our ship; literally and metaphorically,” he said.

“We can dance, if we want to. We can dance with, or around, any problems that come our way.”

Not long after their mid-March landing, Tom’s new wife, Lisa Navarro, was named the first mayor of the second settlement of Mars. The settlement was named Paprika (partially due to the red colour of the land, and partially as a nod to the spicy love-life Navarro and Santana enjoyed).

Year 2057 - Mentos

Thursday, 11 October, 2057 marked a momentous occasion when Stella Costello cut the ribbon and turned the switch on the first Roxy Music designed Oxy-gen-gen-generator.

Operating in a minor key with a classic three chord structure— which was also a hit at the molecular level—the machine ensured breathable air on Mars less than three months later. Dome life was no more!

Year 2064 - Work, Rest and Play

The first liquor licence on Mars was granted on Monday, 23 June, 2064, when Rose Rose and her wife Trina Turner opened the Mars Bar.

Alcohol had, of course, always been a part of the K-Mars colonies, but only under strict rations, along with tooth paste, guitar strings, hair dye, and paracetamol.

By 2064, there were a number of new businesses opening, and the K-Mars society had expanded due to the dome removals stopping the limiting of real-estate.

Mars Bar became the first franchise, and Rose and Trina (R&T Enterprises) became the first M-Wave Trillionaires. Their most famous cocktail was, of course, the Sweet Grandchild O’ Mine, which Rose named after her grandfather’s sweet old hit.

Year 2077 - A President’s Precedent

Now that businesses and democracy were afoot, the people of the K-Mars colonies were feeling cramped, petitioning and campaigning for selfgovernment.

This was granted in December 2075, and on Thursday, 18 February, 2077, Freya Flowers was voted in as the first President of Mars. President Flowers declared as the Mars National Anthem, and immediately passing a law that made it illegal to suggest that it was in any way similar in melody to Dreaming Special K by Placebo.

Year 2104 - Ailing Aliens

Tuesday, 9 December, 2104 saw aliens land on Mars for the first time during the human Mars civilisation.

President Bobby

Hisaishi greeted the Khorble-Arc Race with the tradition gifts of a working Linn Sondek LP-12 vinyl record player coupled with a refurbished solid-state amplifier and a pair of Swedish omni-directional stereo loudspeakers.

Yherzelle, the leader of the aliens, accepted the gift. Gradually, the unsurprisingly musical aliens were integrated into K-Mars colony and culture. All was well. As we soon discovered, they were intergalactic refugees; the last survivors of an Earth-like planet many light-years away that had fallen victim to a rogue mauve hole*.

*for the benefit of our younger readers, a mauve hole has similar properties to that of a black hole, but is distinctive by its more velvety and suave nature

Year 2118 - Not So Civil

14 short years later, the welcoming of the Khorble-Arc people into colonies was realised to be a grave mistake. The aliens, once they had built their strength back, led a sonorous attack on the humans, and forced them to leave Mars, claiming it as their own.

Far more advanced than us, the aliens used melodious instruments that rendered the human defences both mute and moot. The human president, Indigo Roach, led the evacuation as the MDNAs retreated back to earth, with tails

Truly a dark day in the history of the K-Mars

2132 - Return to Paradise

Thirteen years later, now equipped with the latest musical discoveries from back on earth, Indigo Mars led a strike team of crack tenors and saxophonists, along with lots of actual weapons and an extremely large army.

The sheer volume of the human force was too much for the Khorble-Arc people, who, once realising the battle was lost, jettisoned away from Mars to look for another planet to occupy. K-Mars belonged to the humans once more.

As is tradition, let us all raise a toast of Sweet Grandchild O’ Mine to mark this most triumphant occasion.

2137 - Celebrate Good Times… Come On!

Present day: we celebrate the Centenary of human life on Mars. Not without drama, the K-Mars colonisation project has been officially deemed a success.

The Centenary Concert, to be held on Christmas Day, is projected to be the biggest intergalactic music festival humanity has ever seen. The K-Mars population can take stock and relax.

At least until the next alien invasion…

Chris Marlton is a comedian, writer, painter, and film-maker. His comedy special Mephisto Waltz is available to watch for free on YouTube. All upcoming comedy shows are available at www.linktree/ChrisMarlton. Follow @chris.marlton and @ laserfirecomedy on Instagram and @ChrisMarltonComedy on Facebook.

By Allan Sko

“I’m forming a whole new Party. The Feltopia Party.”

So states Randy Feltface, and his intention of leveraging his swelling popularity and comedic platform to segue into politics. We’ll hear all about this manifesto soon, but first, we have some catching up to do. Let us examine what led this to decision.

Lockdown. Remember that? It was hard for everyone, of course, and a time for self-reflection for many. For a nomadic presence like Randy, it hit particularly hard.

“I was in a small house in country Victoria in the middle of nowhere, by myself, for eight months,” he reveals. “I grew a massive purple beard and went a bit insane.”

A keen hand at improvisation, Randy—crafty both in substance and in deed—forged a cunning plan.

“Eventually I got sick of being locked down. So I fled,” Randy candidly states, exhibiting an essential skill in the world of politics. “I forged some border crossing documents and went into New South Wales, then stayed on the run throughout 2021.

“I was dodging incoming lockdowns all over the country. I was up in Darwin, across to Western Australia, hustled my way up the Queensland coast, and just sort of scraped this career together.

“Then I bounced out of the country as soon as I could at the start of 2022.”

So like a tornado chaser but the other way around, I venture?

“I’m a storm chaser that is specifically trying to find fresh air.” Surely, I posit, puppets are used to being cooped up, aren’t they?

“To be honest, I expect better from you than a question like that,” Randy says, the talk suddenly taking a turn. “I’ll let it slide because it’s early in the interview, but you better fuckin’ up your game for the next five minutes or I’m going to be ropeable.”

Realising, to my horror, I had been shamefully puppetist, I prostrated myself at Randy’s furry feet, penitent tears streaming down my face. Forgiving soul that he is—and perhaps, mostly, because it really wasn’t a pretty sight—all was exonerated with a firm-but-fair warning, and the interview continued in a happier vein.

“It’s been a good few years,” Randy quips.

“My career overseas has ballooned since last we spoke. I’m selling out across the UK and across the States and Europe.

“It’s terrific.”

Obsessed, as I am, with the origin of things, particular of those on a large and positive scale, how did this all start? With Grover and Elmo giving up their burgeoning comedy careers decades ago for the sweet honey pot of the Sesame Street gig, and Kermit et al running their own empire, there’s not many puppets strutting the floorboards these days.

“The puppet thing never really comes into it,” Randy says. “If you look at my backstory, I forged an unremarkably familiar path into stand up. I started comedy in 2005, blundering my way onto the Melbourne alternative comedy scene.”

This thought sparks a fond memory of Randy’s early days.

“I got in with a bunch of kids running a show—Kate McLennan, Josh Cameron, and Mandy Mannion—called The Wrong Night,” he recalls. “It was a sort of punk late night show where you would do your worst material. I loved that. I don’t know if you’d get away with it today, to be honest, because it was a space where everyone would do their most off-colour, weirdest shit. That’s actually where I met Sammy J.

“For some reason, I got absorbed into that game for a brief period. And from this, Sammy and I started doing stuff together.”

Flash forward to 2023, and us audiences are in for Randy’s best show-come-rally yet, it seems.

“I’ve already done the show 100 times all throughout Europe, the UK, and across America,” he says. “So I’m probably bringing the tightest hour of comedy I’ve ever done to Australia. Often, I start a tour in Australia, and then I take it overseas, so I’ve done it in the reverse order. I actually wrote the show in Australia, but I opened it in the UK.”

Whether you’re a longterm fan of Randy, or wish to finally see what all the fuss is about, his Feltopia tour will be showcase of his many and varied comedic facets.

“It’s got a bit of everything that I’m most well known for,” he reveals. “There’s a couple of songs in there, storytelling, physical comedy, and a bit of vague messaging. It’s a 65-minute barrage of sound bites.

“I’m really proud of the show,” he beams. “I think it’s really fun.”

The energy Randy exudes is infectious. The man seems tireless.

“Oh, I’m exhausted all the time,” he reveals. “But the hard work is worth it for those times that I’m on stage. But let’s be honest; I’m not exactly saving lives here.”

I lovingly disagree, stating how important comedy is as a comfort for those doing it tough.

“Well, yeah, I guess when you put it in that context,” he says. “I’m sort of saving my own life every time I get on stage as well. Because if I had to have a normal job, I don’t know how long I would stick around.”

And with this cheery thought we come, at last, to Feltopia. “I am attempting, with this show, to stray from comedy into politics,” he states. “I’m hoping that the good people, my audience, will get on board.

“I’ve done a show where I became like a cult leader; I started a religion in The Book Of Randy; I’ve tried a whole bunch of different things.

“Now, I’m starting a whole new party - The Feltopia Party party. I’m going to be brutally honest and empathetic as much as is possible in the world of politics.

“I’ll probably last about five minutes.”

I know which box my ‘1’ is going on the form.