17 minute read
Solitude is a Gift – Enjoy it, Maximize it
Do you enjoy your own company? Really. Do you? Many of us have been spending a lot of time alone lately due to the pandemic (unless of course, you have kids living at home, in which case you probably wish you had more time alone). If you are an essential worker—whether in healthcare, a grocery store or pharmacy, a transit worker, a first responder or in law enforcement, or the like—thank you for all you do every day in this public health crisis and always. We all miss seeing our friends and families, traveling and dining out freely, and going to concerts, movies, sports events or the theatre. We are social beings, and it is especially stressful when we need to be alone to protect ourselves, when it is literally a matter of health and safety. According to the most recent U.S. Census, 36 million people in the United States live alone, across all age groups. That is 11% of the total U.S. population—or more than one in 10 people. Women live alone in much greater numbers than ever, too. According to OurWorldInData.org, approximately 7.8% of women ages
30-45, 18.6% of women 46-60, 31.8% of women 51-75, and 46.6% of women 76 and older live alone.
We can see being alone as miserable and waste time complaining, or we can see being alone as the gift of quiet time—an opportunity to enjoy and appreciate our own company. A time to get to know ourselves better. In her best-selling book, “Intimacy and Solitude,” psychotherapist Dr. Stephanie Dowrick calls it “welcoming time with your own self as you
might welcome time with a friend.” How we look at things is our choice. Here are five ways being alone can be an opportunity:
No. 1 — Tackle important or delayed projects
Being in solitude helps you focus and concentrate, so it is a good time to do in-depth projects that require that kind of intense focus, like writing a book, developing a course or making furniture. You can fix something in your home you have wanted to fix, or even mend mildly torn clothing (don’t you hate holes in your socks?), garden or cook. So many people
By Joan Michelson
have started baking bread during this pandemic that markets are running out of flour.
I wrote in Forbes about the many ways we can use this pandemic forced-isolation time productively and to grow our careers. Those links are at the end of this article.
No. 2 — Write
You can write, even if you are not a writer and/or do not want to write a book. One of the most important ways to build your brand today and demonstrate your knowledge and expertise to attract new opportunities is to write blogs and articles about your field and post them on LinkedIn and/or Medium (free), where many people can see them. Also, post them on social media and your own website, if you have one.
You can also write for your own personal development in a journals. For example, you can write letters to people you will never send something to or someone who passed on. This can help process emotions that are coming up during this extended time alone.
Maybe you want to write about losing people, or about getting more perspective on the importance of our health, or about how you miss people you cannot see in person right now because of COVID-19. Maybe you want to write about how you feel about your job, work or business, even your kids, spouse/ partner or someone you are dating— whatever topic comes up.
Writing is so helpful that “journaling” has become a verb commonly used in therapeutic circles. I find that just getting something out of my head and on to paper is a relief. I also often find a difference between what I thought I was going to write and what I ended up writing, giving me more insight. I call it the alchemy between mind and fingertips.
No. 3 — Think Creatively
Free-associating, questioning and experimenting are three of the four keys to the “Innovators’ DNA,” defined by the late-great Clayton Christensen in his seminal book of the same name. As high-achievers in the Lead Up for Women community, we have our own ideas, probably lots of them.
We spend so much time reacting to and being distracted by other people’s ideas, agendas, stories, news and priorities—or what our friends, colleagues and business associates are posting on social media—that we can lose sight of our own ideas, and of what we want. Our inboxes are full of other people’s agendas and priorities. As Dr. Carter wrote in that Psychology Today article, “It's hard to think of effective solutions to problems when you're distracted by incoming information, regardless of whether the source is electronic or human.”
This time alone is an opportunity to listen to our own ideas and solutions. We can let our minds free-associate when
How to redesign and accelerate your career
This is an excerpt of Joan Michelson’s forthcoming book (due out in 2021) on how we can redesign the career and work ecosystem to accelerate women’s careers. It is based on hundreds of interviews with women innovators and leaders for her podcast, “Green Connections Radio” (on every podcast platform), and from her articles in Forbes, HuffPost, TheAtlantic.com, Career2.0, The New Economy and network news, including “60 Minutes.” The book also features insights from her personal experience as a leader in Fortune 500 companies and as a journalist in major media organizations.
You can reach Joan at joan@greenconnectionsradio.com. You also can find her on LinkedIn, Twitter and her website, greenconnectionsradio.com.
taking a walk, speaking our ideas into the voice memos on our smartphones or jotting them down so we do not lose them. It is important to keep pads and pens by our beds and couches to make notes of ideas that pop up randomly, even as we mindlessly watch Netflix.
Studies show that solutions to vexing challenges often pop up when we are not thinking about them, or when something unrelated triggers an idea. You never know where it might lead. I have developed ground-breaking partnerships that way, or come up with ways to approach a client issue or an idea to write about. Psychologists call brainstorming your own ideas “brainwriting.”
Learn. Serve. Lead.
Lead Up for Women is proud to present this exceptional opportunity to
travel to Guatemala April 15th-26th for an 11-day / 10-night service trip
in the settings of the Mayan Villages and discover the most beautiful places in Guatemala! This trip will include learning from the Mayan Women, serving alongside them, then, in turn, teaching the Mayan Women. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity to activate your learning, service, and leadership globally.
No. 4 — Increase self-awareness
“One of the great pleasures of solitude is that it gives you a chance to take a rest from seeing yourself through other people’s eyes—or how you are imagining other people are seeing you—and to discover how you feel on the inside about your own self.”
To be a better person, mother, wife, sister, daughter, friend, boss, employee, student, researcher, entrepreneur or athlete—any role—we need to understand what is in our own minds and hearts, and separate ourselves from what anyone else thinks. Every leadership guru and successful person from Oprah, Jack Canfield, Brendon Burchard or Ellen DeGeneres will tell you how important self-awareness is. Yet, it is sorely lacking in today’s society, as we fill every second with other people’s input.
Being alone is an opportunity to tune out the noise of others and tune in to yourself, your own thoughts, ideas and feelings.
We can hear how we sound when we talk to people, notice the words we choose, what we eat (or don’t), how we exercise (or don’t), how we clean and maintain our homes and possessions (or don’t), and how we spend our time. I have my coaching clients keep a time log for a week, recording literally everything—sleep, eating, FaceTime with friends, etc.). It is always enlightening.
Most importantly, listen to your selftalk. Do you beat yourself up or talk to yourself as your BFF? I realized through working with a terrific, brave coach several years ago that I was beating myself up. When we talk kindly and compassionately to ourselves, we relate to people better, achieve our goals faster, and therefore, save a lot of time, frustration and energy. We become a better person.
Us Type-A people think that being hard on ourselves helps us do great work. But when you beat yourself up, you actually get in your own way. You know the thoughts I am talking about. Those self-destructive thoughts drain your energy, kill your self-esteem and self-confidence, and make you feel stupid and insecure, which unconsciously seeps into your conversations, tone of voice and actions.
No. 5 — Enable healing
We need to know how we really feel, not how others tell us we “should” feel. Being alone, we can process our emotions and circumstances we face, think through a
We spend so much time reacting to and being distracted by other people’s ideas, agendas, stories, news and priorities that we can lose sight of our own ideas, and of what we want.
problem. Counsel ourselves by asking what we would tell a friend or colleague in that situation or with that feeling.
Alone-time can be an opportunity to gain perspective and process things we may have ignored—things that creep up again in the silence (working with a coach or therapist is good to maximize healing those, too). Dr. Shoba Sreenivasan and Dr. Linda E. Weinberger call it “emotional nourishment” in Psychology Today.
Separating from others can enhance our relationships, too. As psychologist Dr. Sherrie Bourg Carter wrote in Psychology Today, “Solitude can enhance the quality of your relationships with others. By spending time with yourself and gaining a better understanding of who you are and what you desire in life, you're more likely to make better choices about who you want to be around.”
“Spend your life in your own way.” Use this time to find out what that is and move it forward.
One of my best friends gave me a birthday card many years ago that pandemic-shutdown/#5af5a9de4d33
Resources:
featured a quote from 16th Century playwright Christopher Marlowe. The quote said, “There is only one success – to be able to spend life in your own way.” The quote is prominently displayed in my home.
To do so, we need to know and feel what “our own way” is. That requires introspection, knowing yourself, and what you really want to do. Then, you can use the gift of time by yourself and mine your creative ideas. Do things you have wanted to do, like write a book, play or novel, create art or work in your garden. Express yourself “in your own way.”
Being alone is key to finding out what you truly want, separate from “them,” and from the noise. It can be a time of tremendous self-awareness, creativity and productivity. It can move you forward exponentially in many ways. It also can be a time of binge-eating, binge-watching, being a sloth and feeling miserable.
It is all in how you look at it, and
Want to hear more from Joan?
Joan's Forbes blogs: forbes.com/sites/joanmichelson2
Using pandemic time as an opportunity
forbes.com/sites/joanmichelson2/2020/03/14/10-ways-to-use-workingremotely-or-self-quarantining-as-an-opportunity/
Using pandemic time for your career
forbes.com/sites/joanmichelson2/2020/05/25/10-career-tips-for-leveraging-the
that’s your choice.
ourworldindata.org/grapher/percentage-of-females-living-alone-in-the-united-states-by-age vox.com/the-highlight/2020/5/19/21221008/how-to-bake-bread-pandemic-yeast-flour-baking-kenforkish-claire-saffitz stephaniedowrick.com/published-works/books/intimacy-solitude-3/ psychologytoday.com/us/blog/high-octane-women/201201/6-reasons-you-should-spend-more-time-alone psychologytoday.com/us/blog/emotional-nourishment/201812/the-benefits-spending-time-alone psychologytoday.com/us/experts/shoba-sreenivasan-phd-and-linda-e-weinberger-phd psychologicalscience.org/news/minds-business/theres-a-better-way-to-brainstorm.html#.WMntwBLyvBI
This Lady did not Protest Enough.
Iwanted to join the protests. I swear I did. But the thought of mingling with that many people after placing myself in self-quarantine for so many months made me queasy. No, it is not a good excuse, which is why I am offering my sincerest mea culpa. By Rochelle Brandvein
I sat on the sidelines as an observer during this troubled time, and I am ashamed because I always take a stance when morality is involved. Instead of joining in, I became hyper-focused on the confusing mixed messaging of COVID-19: Pools are closed, but casinos are open. Stay at home unless you absolutely must go to Wal-Mart. Limit grocery store trips, yet order restaurant curbside pickup.
Nothing about what happened to George Floyd oozed of mixed messages. He was unarmed. A police officer placed his knee on Floyd’s neck for nearly nine minutes and, after communicating numerous times that he could not breathe, Floyd died.
Our world—already in a tailspin from the pandemic—spiraled even further into the abyss. The turmoil thickened, and my search for understanding this tragedy led me to a more thorough quest for knowledge. What do phrases like “racial injustice” and “systemic racism” really mean? I wanted to delve in deeper so I could be better by becoming better informed.
As a middle-aged white woman, I can merely empathize with racial injustice and how it affects targeted individuals and groups. The discrimination I face as a Jewish woman pales in comparison to the violence toward/ and oppression of the Black community. I can basically walk down a street at pretty much any time of day without fear that I will suffer negative repercussions. I have freedom that every human being should have but does not.
While I was not physically present at the protests, I did delve deeply into uncovering ways you and I can help promote equality and embrace humanity. My research of over-policed and under-protected communities has led me to seek out inspirational Black leaders and outstanding resources that continue to make a difference. I’d like to share some of them with you.
Times They are A-Changin’
Colors of Change (colorofchange.org) is the nation’s largest online racial justice organization. With more than 1.7 million members throughout the world, the organization works with corporate and government decision-makers to create a more human and less hostile world for Black people in America. They fight racism and injustice in both politics and culture in order to change the written and unwritten rules of society.
It’s Getting Better All the Time
The Black Women’s Health Imperative (bwhi.org) is the first nonprofit organization created by Black women to help protect and advance the health and wellness of Black women and girls. The organization promotes physical, mental and spiritual health, and well-being for the nation’s 19.5 million African American women and girls.
The Right Stuff
Founded by civil rights activist and football quarterback Colin Kaepernick, Know Your Rights Camp (knowyourrightscamp.com) advances the liberation and well-being of Black and Brown communities through education, self-empowerment, massmobilization and the creation of new systems that elevate the next generation of change leaders.
You Lead and I’ll Follow
Filmmaker Ava DuVernay—director of the Oscar-nominated “Selma” and “13th”—recently launched the Law Enforcement Accountability Project (LEAP) (leapaction.org), a storytelling initiative to keep police officers accountable through multiple forms of media. LEAP’s mission is to disrupt the code of silence that exists around police aggression and misconduct by funding short-term projects utilizing film, stage and fine arts.
The Human Connection/Connector
Michelle Obama is many things: Lawyer. Author. First African-American First Lady of the United States. Advocate for poverty awareness, education, nutrition, physical activity and healthy eating. Michelle and her husband, President Barack Obama, formed the Obama Foundation, which includes programs like The Girls Opportunity Alliance (obama.org/girlsopportunityalliance), which seeks to empower adolescent girls around the world through education, and; My Brother’s Keeper Alliance (obama.org/mbka), which focuses on building safe and supportive communities for boys and young men of color where they feel valued and have clear
pathways to opportunity.
R-E-S-P-E-C-T
Here is a list of more ladies who have made or are making a difference: › Dr. Cheryl Anderson was recently named the founding dean of University of California San Diego’s Wertheim School of Public Health. She is the first Black female dean in the nearly 60-year history of the campus. › Maya Angelou was an American author, actress, screenwriter, dancer, poet and civil rights activist. Her 1969 memoir, “I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings,” was the first nonfiction bestseller by an African American woman. › Muriel Bowser is the second female mayor of the District of Columbia, and first woman to be reelected to that position. › L ondon Breed was elected in 2018 as the first African-American woman mayor of San Francisco. › Shirley Chisholm became the first black woman elected to the U.S.
Congress in 1968 at the height of the Civil Rights movement.
She represented New York’s 12th
District for seven terms and was the first Black woman to seek presidential candidacy with a major party. › Kr isten Clarke, President and
Executive Director of the National
Lawyers’ Committee for Civil Rights
Under Law (Lawyers’ Committee), leads one of the country’s most important national civil rights organizations in the pursuit of equal justice for all. › Amanda Gorman is a published author and the first U.S. Youth
Poet Laureate. She is the founder and Executive Director of One Pen One Page, which promotes literacy through free creative writing programming for underserved youth. › NASA mathematician Katherine
Johnson worked on the space agency’s first mission in 1961, which helped carry American Alan
Shepard into space. In 1962, she verified computer calculations that plotted John Glenn’s orbits around the Earth. › Amer ican abolitionist and political activist Harriet Tubman who helped save more than 300 slaves via the Underground
Railroad. She never learned to read, but she helped open schools for African Americans and spoke on behalf of women’s rights until the day she died.
Pass the Popcorn
COVID-19 has created an opportunity for binge-watching movies. Here are a few educational films about social injustice, racism and civil rights you definitely need to see. › “The Hate U Give” is based on a book about a teenage girl who deals with racism, police brutality and activism after her black friend is murdered by the police. › “Just Mercy” is the story of lawyer Bryan Stevenson and his
history-making battle for justice for wrongly accused inmates on death row. › T he Golden Globe-nominated
“Selma” focuses on the historic 1965 journey that Martin Luther
King, Jr. made from Selma to
Montgomery, Alabama in order to fight for equal voting rights for
Black Americans. › T he documentary “Toni Morrison:
The Pieces I Am” highlights the life and work experiences of Morrison, who was the first Black American writer to win the Nobel Prize for literature in 1993.
One More Thing
I may not have physically participated in the protests, but I was there in mind and spirit. I wholeheartedly agree with President Barack Obama’s words that Americans need “to work together to create “a new normal” in which the legacy of bigotry and unequal treatment no longer infects our institutions or our hearts.”
What are you doing to ensure a hate-free and violence-free world? I’d love to hear from you.
Rochelle Brandvein is the owner of Brandvein-Aaranson Public Relations, a 30-year-old PR agency that recently pivoted to solely handling nonprofits and companies with a philanthropic arm or foundation. Her company specializes in publicity, copywriting and creative services.
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