boiMAG.com "Post Holiday Observations"

by: Dr. Charla Waxman BS, MBA, EdD Director of Business Development Lake Behavioral Hospital

The holidays are an interesting time. We see people, friends and family, that we haven’t seen in a while. We see them at their best and their worst: happy and excited or angry and resentful. We may notice that they have improved or seem less stable. We leave relieved and feel like the next year will be better for them and we can’t wait to check in to see how things have transpired. We leave feeling on edge because things are not right and their behaviors and emotions are askew and we feel we have to check in to see how we can help; but we are not sure what to say. The latter is obviously the hardest. So how can you reach out and let them know they are not alone and that there is help available?

Here are some tips for getting a meaningful and essential conversation going.

Start where they are at. An opener by phone to follow-up after the holidays will be a good way to begin a conversation. Let them know that it was great to see them but that you noticed that they seemed a bit down and that you are just checking in. You may get an “everything’s ok” response. Accept that, don’t push, but let them know that you have had some challenges, too and you are available when they are ready to talk. Hang up, but don’t give up. Call again in a week or a month or whatever feels comfortable for you and check in. This may let them know that your concerns are real and you are willing to stay the course.

Get ready to listen if they are ready to talk. This means that you will have put some time into scheduling the call when there will be no need to hang up for the usual daily distractions like kids coming home from school or meetings at work. Listen observationally, listen for crisis concerns like overwhelming feelings felt for long periods of time or suicidal thoughts.

If these are the issues, don’t be an island. Make appointments for professionals to support these matters. Help make appointments or even accompany them to appointments.

Active listening means asking questions that keep the conversation going. You may relate, but make sure you talk less and listen more. Sharing lets them know you have been there, but the danger is lapsing into advice giving which is often perceived negatively. Watch out for this kind of communication trap.

Be empathic, but not sympathetic. People don’t want others to feel sorry for them. They just want to be able to share and to be heard. Use supportive conversation like: “I hear you.”, “That does seem hard to get through”, “ I would like to help, is that ok?” If they say they are not ready, that’s ok, as long as they are safe. To determine that consider the 3 hurts rule: Are they going to hurt themselves? Is somebody hurting them? Are they going to hurt someone else? If any of these are a “yes” then professional help needs to be in the mix now rather than later.

If you feel that you have made a good start and the person is safe, end the talk on a positive note with a clear message of when the next conversation will be. Let them know they can connect to talk more, as well.

There are lots of places to turn for help. In your area, look for the National Alliance on mental Illness: they have groups and support meetings. Also, for free support for alcohol or other drugs consider your local Alano Club which houses support meetings like Alcoholics Anonymous and Narcotics Anonymous. Other kinds of support groups include: Celebration recovery and SmArt recovery. Online you can go to SAmhSA where you will find a treatment locator and helpline that can help you access support in your area, that matches your finances and targets your concerns. Always connect to your faith based communities who are very invested in providing community support.

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