boiMAG.com "Adult Bullies" Article

by: Dr. Charla Waxman, BS, MBA, EdD, Director of Business Development

Bullies plagued many of us as kids. They taunted, they bashed our self-confidence, and made us fearful and anxious. We’d like to think that as adults we have left the bullies behind us, but if we really take a look at the worst times of our lives, chances are an adult bully was there to fuel those bad times. Let’s take a look at the adult bully and ways to manage those who negatively affect our lives with behaviors designed to overpower and control.

Bullies exist in many roles in our lives. From the family member who aims to hurt, embarrass and belittle, to the overbearing boss and abusive partner, bullies shame us, and destroy our self-confidence. Bullies make us doubt ourselves and we blame ourselves for their behavior. Victimization is a cycle and a role that may be hard to break.

Just as cyberbullying has made its way into schools, don’t think that adulthood cancels out those who use social media to harass. Cyberbullying is alive and well in the world of adults. Cyberbullying is damaging no matter the age group; creating a footprint of falsehoods that we know can never be erased. The cyberbully can be an invisible giant; much bigger and meaner than someone who confronts you in person.

Being the victim of a bully can be so stigmatizing that we ignore the cruelty and shaming, even allowing unwanted advances and personal contact. Many times we suffer in silence allowing the ridicule and defaming to continue without speaking up or speaking out.

As adults, we think we are prepared to be the person who makes a difference; we seek to be good people, good neighbors, co-workers, and friends. Bystanders of bullying are often emotionally unable to be the people that they know they are as the bully can be so intimidating that we fear speaking out against them or challenging their behavior.

Many times, bullies recognize their behavior as bullying. Looking into their past, you often find someone who has the lived experience as a victim. This does not reduce their culpability, but it does let us know that the bully needs help escaping the role and learning how to manage the feelings left behind by a history of abuse and pain.

Just like the bully, victims and bystanders may need mental health support. Bullies are toxic and toxicity in one’s life over time can cause feelings and behaviors related to depression and anxiety. Suicidal thoughts and the idea that life is not worth living with abuse can become pervasive. Bullying is serious.

There is help and hope for all roles in the bullying framework. Many therapists specialize in anger management, trauma, post-traumatic stress, and relationship improvement. Local health departments, counselors, and therapy groups are out there to assist. Calling 1800 273 TALK is just one of many supports that will help you link with places in your community that can help.

If you feel like giving up, don’t! Let Lake Behavioral Hospital help you pick up the pieces of your life and help you find recovery as a bully, a victim, or a bystander. Assessments are free and one call to 855 990 1900 can make the difference. Walk-ins are always welcome.

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