boiMAG.com "When Friendship Goes Wrong"

by: Dr. Charla Waxman BS, MBA, EdD Director of Business Development Lake Behavioral Hospital

Closure happens right after you accept that letting go and moving on is more important than projecting a fantasy of how the relationship could have been.

---- Sylvester McNutt

Friends are relationships that matter. We depend on them for emotional support, we rely on them to provide us social interaction, and we expect a level of loyalty and a shoulder to lean on. Have you ever read one of those signs that say: “Friends are the family we choose for ourselves”? They know the best of us. They know the worst of us. They know our secrets and they don’t judge us. That is what makes friends so important.

What happens when a friend suddenly tells you that you are no longer needed, you were never really friends, or an argument divides you in ways you never expected? Chances are you assumed that the friendship was long term, maybe forever, and the ending of the relationship is painful, socially and emotionally.

You feel like you are out of balance, shocked, and beyond hurt. You may have no idea how or why things got so out of control but what you can control is how you let this break-up impact you.

One of the first things you have to examine is your feelings. What emotions are dredged up from the loss of this relationship? Hurt is first. Soon a real sadness takes over. Then we get mad! Once these very base emotions have had their time, more complex emotions take over. Self- doubt, guilt, betrayal and disbelief are like a waterfall, there is no stopping it. You keep playing the break-up over and over in your mind and you wonder if you even knew this friend at all or did you miss a clue, could you have prevented this?

You can spend all of your time going over what has happened and asking yourself how can you fill this kind of void or you can work to make repairs and keep yourself mentally and emotionally healthy during a tough time. You will have to find a way to not take a very personal act, not so personally. It can be done. It isn’t easy, but you can get through this.

Here are some tips for finding a way to move forward:

• Go ahead and feel your feelings.

• Recognize that this might be more about them than it is about you.

• Be kind to yourself. Keep the selftalk positive.

• Take the higher road. Don’t seek revenge, spread rumors, or act out your feelings in unhelpful ways.

• Tell someone who does not know your friend and who can just be an objective listener.

• Journal about it at length and then go back and read it at a later date. You just may learn something about yourself.

• Keep active. See other friends. Do things that make you happy.

• Be forgiving. Let go.

Friendships don’t always last, but they do help you grow. Even if a friendship ends, there are probably good memories, the friendship may have helped you through some bad times, and you probably learned something about yourself along the way. Hang onto all of that good stuff, and then, move on, one step at a time.

If you or someone you love is struggling with a breakup and feeling unstable, please consider calling Lake Behavioral Hospital. A free, confidential level of care assessment will help you make decisions about the kind of professional help you need to get you through a tough time. Call 855-990-1900 or walk-in. Just know they are ready to help.

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