Spyke & Mike

BAD DAY AT THE QUICKIE MART

Hey, hey, my BTR friends. I was just chatting with Mike, hanging out in the sanctuary at Paradise, watching the birds fly over the Lanai and wondering if they really get any enjoyment out of all that flapping. A few months ago he took me to the beach to practice my hanging eight in the surf and try flying in the Gulf breeze. I’ve been surfing for a while and getting pretty good at it but, the flying part is for the birds. I kept crash landing and getting a beak full of sand. I just don’t know why they do it. For me, it was a whole lot of movement and not moving very far. Also, the soreness I experienced in my wings the next few days was brutal. Mike chitters, “I love it when the waves hit my feet and the sand is my seat, but you know Spyke, I saw the similar thing with humans. Guys and gals running up and down the beach for what? Shore life’s a beach and no one wants to get tide down but it’s only the beach. What do they think, fish are chasing them? They’re going to catch a seagull? Running so the sun doesn’t burn them as much as sitting? So many unanswered questions, and like the beach, life around us is filled with many things to ponder.” Mike babbles on, “Just the other morning, I went to the Quickie Mart to get a drink and as I walked up, I noticed two police officers watching a woman smoking while pumping her gas. I saw her and thought; ‘Is this lady stupid, crazy, or both, especially with the police standing RIGHT there.’ Anyways, I minded my own business and went in for a cold one. As I was paying, I heard loud screaming coming from outside. Man, Spyke, I’m talking violent death screams! Like the ones I hear from you when I take away your unfinished bowl of nuts. I looked out the storefront window and saw the woman’s arm was on fire! She was swinging it around, running in circles and going crazy! After paying for my drink and walking out the door, the officers had the woman on the ground and were putting out the fire. Then, they threw handcuffs on her and shoved her into the patrol car.”

“I was thinking, ‘They’re going to arrest her? Shouldn’t she be in an ambulance, not a patrol car?’ Being the nosy person that I am, I asked the officer what they were arresting her for. One looked at me dead serious and said, ‘Waving a firearm in public!’ Without trying to get their knickers out of a knot and me into one, I just shut my mouth, turned and quickly walked back to the truck.”

I squawk, “Life sucks when you go down in flames. I’ve seen you crash and burn several times. Your latest and greatest had me gagging, literally.” Mike frowns and says, “Dude, you talkin’ about last month when I choked on that hot burrito, dropped it between my legs, swerved off the road and ended up in a ditch?”

I cackle, “No, you poor excuse for a Mexican jumping bean. It was that late night stop at the diner. I know you won’t spill the beans correctly, so I’ll just let the readers know how it went. Mike was starving so he pulled over to get something to eat. He took me inside and there was only one old man sitting, not eating his food. We sat beside him and waited 10 minutes for someone to appear from the kitchen. After no one came, he turned and asked the old man, who was staring deeply into his chili, ‘If you’re not going to eat that, I’m starving. Do you mind if I do?’ The old man slowly rotates, pushes the bowl Mike’s way and says, ‘Go for it, young whippersnapper.’ Mike then picks up a spoon and starts slurping that chili up like he hasn’t eaten in days. As quickly as he started, Mike devoured most of it, then suddenly stopped. Seeing a dead mouse in the bottom of the bowl, he instantly barfs the chili back up into the bowl. The old man leans over, looks at him and says, ‘I was just as hungry as you and that’s as far as I got also!’ Mike wiped the spittle from his chin, picked me up and we both headed out the door.”

Mike babbles, “Man, Spyke, I don’t know what I was thinking but I was definitely a few peas short of a casserole that night.” I hoot, “A few peas short? If you had another brain, it would be lonely. While I was sitting on your shoulder as you walked out, I could hear the Gulf breeze blowing out your ear. You actually fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down!

I was so relieved when you got your knees under the keys, my wings out the passenger window, your vomit-laden head out the other, and the trucks’ wheels rolling down the road.”

“I’VE BEEN SURFING FOR A WHILE AND GETTING PRETTY GOOD AT IT BUT, THE FLYING PART IS FOR THE BIRDS. I KEPT CRASH LANDING AND GETTING A BEAK FULL OF SAND.”

CHUCK LIDDELL READS IT!