SEEING AND BEING SEEN

Hold

BY ELISABETH GAY

WE ALL WANT TO BE “SEEN.”

This is true of every human heart. Even the most introverted among us wants to be seen—if only by a few people—known and loved for who we are. Self-doubt in adults often stems from a lack of being acknowledged, accepted or respected in our youth. The message we received was “you aren’t important, valuable or loved.”

As parents, we all want our children to be confident. We understand that confidence flows from having a sense of our own intrinsic worth. Often, we attempt to build children’s confidence with lavish praise and by celebrating every small accomplishment. However, the key to fostering confidence in children is not found in external praise, but rather in teaching them to value and respect others. When children truly regard their fellow humans as valuable, they will know they are valuable too.

The word “respect” comes from the Latin roots: spect—to look at (like spectator), and re—again. When we take notice of a person, truly looking at them again, it’s hard to deny their humanity and innate value.

Every child is on a journey to find and establish their place in this world. Their first “world” is their home and family. Teaching children to respect each other, and their parents, is the foundation for how they will treat people going forward. Parents sometimes ignore golden opportunities to teach this within sibling dynamics.

For some unfathomable reason, we tend to excuse poor behavior within families, as if it is inevitable. “Fight like brothers and sisters” should not be our norm. Siblings can get along. It takes work to teach them conflict resolution, but it’s worth it. Teaching children to respect their siblings sends the message that they also deserve to be respected and is crucial to developing confidence.

Of course, the people we live with see us on our worst days and have more opportunities to grate on our nerves. But this should not excuse mistreating each other. Our immediate family should be the safest, most supportive place we can be.

For teens, being accepted by peers feels paramount to their confidence. Yet this tribe-based sense of worth is dreadfully fragile. In an increasingly digitized world, they run the risk of not developing social skills they need to live in society. If they spend more time “with” friends on social media or via text than they do in person, they lose the ability to relate to humans with skin on. Exclusion, ridicule, and bullying are easier online than in person. Teens need our continual guidance to preserve humanity in a cyber-world.

Grace, courtesy and manners are dying out. Just walk into a room of kids. If you are over the age of 20 there’s a good chance you won’t get a second look, much less a smile, or a hello. There are exceptions, but they are fewer and fewer.

One morning recently, our small staff walked next door to a local coffee shop. A group of young people were having coffee around a table outside. One of the young men noticed us approaching, made eye contact, waved, and spoke to one of my co-workers. I was floored. This has become so rare, that it stood out to me. Among our teenagers’ friends, we’re so impressed with the ones who can look adults in the eye and comfortably carry on a conversation.

It is more important than ever to proactively teach social skills.

Teach your toddlers and preschoolers to make eye contact, shake hands, and say hello and goodbye. Teach elementaryaged children that it is respectful to acknowledge someone who enters a room or passes them in a hallway.

Preschoolers and elementary kids can practice basic conversations including showing interest in someone else’s interests or activities.

I love coming home to our teens who ask me how my day was, then actually listen as I share. This didn’t happen in a vacuum. It takes effort to engage with children and model these kinds of conversations.

Another crucial life and social skill is the ability to ask a question or ask for help with confi dence. Children who can converse confi dently and respectfully with adults, won’t be afraid to ask questions or voice their opinions in important situations.

Teach your children to look other people in the eye when talking to them. Teach them to value other people’s feelings, opinions and experiences by listening and engaging in dialogue. Teach them to confidently ask questions and voice their thoughts. Listen to them when they do and teach them to listen in return.

Respect should be the foundation for all human interactions.

“If puberty is on the physical side a transition from an infantile to an adult state, there is also, on the psychological side, a transition from the child who has to live in a family, to the man who has to live in society.” — Dr. Maria Montessori