Story Time

In this section you can hear native English speakers telling each other jokes. The Chopper

I know a good joke. Well, there’s this couple who are on holiday in Greece. They’ve been there two weeks and they’re bored of the beach so they go into town looking for things to do. All of a sudden they see a sign saying, “Helicopter tours 250 dollars”. And the husband turns to the wife and goes, “250 dollars! That’s a helluva lot of money just to look around a helicopter!”

Fatty

I know one too. This guy is really worried about his weight so he buys some bathroom scales. Every day he stands on them and checks his weight. One day his wife notices him and sees how he’s desperately holding his stomach in, trying to look thinner. “I don’t think that doing that is going to make you weigh less,” says his wife. And the man replies, “I know, but it’s the only way I can read the numbers.”

Business

This woman goes to the bank to enquire about funds to start a business. “I’d like to start a small business,” she says to the bank manager. “How do I go about it?” “Oh, that’s simple,” the bank manager replies. “You just buy a big one, then wait a few months.”

The Name of the Game

This guy has been married for twenty years. And for the past three years he’s been calling his wife names like “Sugar Lump”, “Kitten”, “Honey Bunch” and” Poochykins”. One day his friend hears this and goes, “Hey, you know, that’s really cute the way you call your wife all those nice things. It really shows how much you care about her.” And the husband replies, “Well, to tell you the truth, I’ve just forgotten her name.” Misinterpretation

This traffic cop suddenly sees a woman doing about 220 kph down the motorway. He pulls her over and asks to see her licence. She shows it to him and he says, “According to your licence, you are supposed to be wearing glasses.” “But officer,” she replies, “I have contacts.” “I don’t care who you know,” the traffic policeman says angrily. “You were speeding and that’s against the law.”

G L O S S A R Y

a chopper n inform a helicopter helluva exp inform “a hell of a” = a lot to look around phr vb to inspect, to look inside bathroom scales n an object you stand on that tells you how many kilos you weigh to hold your stomach in exp to attempt to make your stomach appear less fat than it really is by breathing in deeply cute adj nice and attractive doing about 220 kph exp driving at 220 kph to pull over phr vb if the police “pull you over”, they tell you to stop driving so they can ask you some questions a contact n an important person who you know; also, a shortened term for “contact lenses” (little objects you put in your eyes to help you see better) speeding n driving too fast on the motorway (the large road with many lanes)