AUDIO
Jokes, stories and anecdotes as told by native English speakers
STORY TIME
e m i t y r o t S In this section you can hear native English speakers telling each other jokes.
The cat comes out of the bag
The Anniversary Gift
This guy is in a bar and he’s drinking shot after shot of whisky. And every time he downs the shot he moans, “Why? Why is life so unfair?” The bartender is watching this and getting more and more curious. Eventually he asks, “Hey, I’ve been watching you here. Do you wanna talk about something with me? It might help to get it out in the open.” And the man replies, “You know, I had it all: a beautiful house, a fast car and the love of a beautiful woman. Then, suddenly, it was all gone.” “Oh, that’s terrible,” said the bartender. “What happened?” “My wife found out.”
A couple are lying in bed. They are about to celebrate their twentieth wedding anniversary so the husband asks, “Hey, honey, what would you like for your anniversary? How about a new wardrobe full of designer labels?” “No, I don’t think so,” says the wife. “Then what about a new car?” “No, I don’t think so.” “OK, what about a holiday in Bali?” “No, I don’t think so. You see, what I really want is a divorce.” “A divorce?” says the husband. “Sorry, darling, but I wasn’t planning on spending that much!”
The Talking Dog This guy sees a sign in front of a house that says, “Talking Dog for Sale”. He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the back garden. The bloke goes round to the back and sees a black mutt just sitting there. “Do you talk?” the guy asks the dog. “Sure do,” the dog replies. “So, what’s your story?” The dog looks up and says, “Well, I discovered my gift of talking when I was young. I wanted to help the government so I joined the FBI; and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders. It worked really well because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. After a few years I was voted “Most Valuable Spy”. But then I got tired of it all, so I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. Later, I got married, had a few puppies, and now I’m just retired.” The guy is amazed, and he goes back in and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog; and the owner says, “Ten dollars”. The guy says, “This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?” And the owner replies, “Because he’s a liar. He’s never done any of that stuff.”
10
GLOSSARY a guy n inform a man is exp notice how we use the present simple to tell jokes a shot n an amount of strong alcohol in a small glass to down vb to drink without stopping to breathe to moan vb to complain a bartender n a person who works in a bar serving drinks wanna abbr want to to get it out in the open exp to talk about a problem that is worrying you an owner n the person who possesses the object you are referring to a bloke n inform a man a mutt n an ordinary dog - not a special breed sure do exp yes, of course
/ www.learnhotenglish.com / Want to do an internship with Hot English? For more information, e-mail info@learnhotenglish.com
a gift n a special ability the FBI abbr the Federal Bureau of Investigation to jet from country to country exp to travel to many different countries in a jet plane to figure vb to imagine; to suppose to eavesdrop vb to listen secretly to a conversation to sign up for a job exp to accept a job and the conditions undercover adj secret to wander vb to walk in a place with no particular objective to listen in phr vb to listen secretly to a conversation to retire vb to stop working because you are 60/65 years old on earth exp inform this expression is used to show you are surprised, etc designer labels n clothes that are designed by famous designers
