To All the Boys I've Lost Before

i opened the door expecting a love letter

letting go of inhibitions

i sat down on the couch craving a love letter

i was starved for affection

i listened to him read the syllables of my name

followed by the words his mouth had never carried

i love you

i love you? i love you! oh my god, i love you

oh my honey, i love you

joy welled up in my eyes

relief flooded into the dips in my cheeks

i love you i

listened to him read, expecting the eye-joy to

overflow

and the cheek-relief to give way to unbounded

happiness

i tried to focus on the moment

but my dreams took over my vision

like glasses of rosy anticipation

wait, what did you say?

you love me immensely?

oh, thank god, thank you, i know you’re freezing and repeating

but it’s okay it’s okay to love me it’s okay keep

going please keep going

wait, what? what did you say?

don’t rip the glasses from my face

i can’t see

i couldn’t see

i didn’t see

this coming

wait, hold on

i’m screaming as he says her name

like a curse a hex a verse reverse

everything we had

he said her name

i ripped my lungs into shreds as he brought her

name into my home like gasoline

lit the match

& burned me alive

it’s not me it’s her it’s him it’s love he’s sorry

sorry?

i sat there shaking as he read his scripted sorry

a script of months of emotional infidelity

be unfaithful to my body & i will ache forever

but be unfaithful to my emotions

to my love

to my every day, every second, every blink loyalty

& i will break wherever you had touched me with

kindness

any part of my soul you had gripped me with

happiness a

collateral capitalist collecting a fee when you

should have been paying a debt

a debt to me

your honey honey

honey honey?

how could you do this to me?

by Mayeesha Galiba