‘WHO IS SHE?’

Meet Whole Foods Daddy, Boulder’s meme laureate crystallizing the decadence, weirdness and beauty of the People’s Republic

BY SAMUEL SHAW

Gabby Vermeire still remembers the first meme she posted in 2019. The template: an anime illustration of a bespectacled man gesturing fondly towards a butterfly with three captions splashed across the frame. On the man, “midwesterners,” on the butterfly, “Pasta Jay’s” — and beneath both, “Is this literally the best place in Boulder?”

The image macro was a big hit among Vermeire’s friends in their group chat. Then it made its way to the city’s dedicated subreddit, r/Boulder, where strangers upvoted the post 250 times. But Instagram is where Vermeire’s oddball local memes found a real audi-

Dear Whole Foods Daddy

Boulder conundrums and queries, solved and answered

BY GABBY VERMEIRE

ence, one that’s inched within 10,000 followers and garnished the tall, bookish parale gal with an air of micro-celebri ty, at least online, and a cult status among CU students and local 20-somethings.

As it turned out, there was a vacuum for memes that put Boulder’s ineffable weirdness into context, and Vermeire was happy to fill it. She had a lifetime of training after all; having grown up on The Hill, the city’s contradictions and archetypes — bohemian millionaires, alt-medicine moms, Google tech bros, and of course, the many shades of CU

We all have questions and need advice, but sometimes the pseudo therapy in the Instagram stories of astrology girls doesn’t cut it. Or maybe the gatekeeping culture of adventure bros has you fearing the judgment that comes with revealing yourself as a newbie at anything. This advice column exists to hold space for you and your Boulder queries (especially the uncool ones).

HOW DO U GET LUCKY’S MARKET DILFS TO NOTICE YOU?

With their running-honed bods, tired eyes, fashionably tousled hair and five-o’clock shadows, Lucky’s DILFs — that is, actual fathers, not just hotties of a cer- student life — were as familiar as the local fauna. Her research pedigree includes an undergraduate degree in political science and biology from CU Boulder. This is Whole Foods Daddy’s natural habitat.

“I grew up in fear of CU students, which is a very natural, normal and healthy thing. Then I became a CU student. Now I’m older than them and still maintain a healthy fear,” Vermeire, 27, says with a laugh between sips of tain age — are a classic Boulder sex symbol. They are frustratingly loyal to their partners, making them more desirable but even less attainable. I am assuming you are not a half-off bag of muesli, but have you considered disguising yourself as one? Or perhaps some on-sale ketogenic breadcrumbs? Part of the biology of a Lucky’s DILF is that he cannot resist a sale or a food trend. Spilling your hot fresh rotisserie chicken on him in the checkout line will have a 100% success rate as well. son, but their post history suggests anti-homeless supervillain status

4. Tips 20% on the food but not the bottle of wine at Frasca and gives the server the smuggest smile you’ll ever see in your life

5. Voted Michael Bloomberg

What

ARE THE FIVE DEFINITIVE MARKERS OF A BOULDER NIMBY?

1. “In this house we believe…” yard sign

2. More than three pages of results when you search their name in the Daily Camera letters to the editor archive

3. Has requested to connect with you on Nextdoor for some rea-

I GOT DUMPED A MONTH AGO AND I STILL FEEL LIKE POOP. WHAT DO?

I’m betting you’re in a place where you need some validation, and are perhaps feeling self-conscious about testing the limits of your friends’ capacity to “hold space” for your 12 a.m. sad-texts. Feeling poopy one month after a breakup

West End Tavern’s house malbec. An affinity for wine is one aspect of her online persona inspired by reality. The ritual lubricates Vermeire’s creative process and helps her unwind after grueling shifts in family court. But when it comes to her identity, a certain degree of ambiguity has provided Vermeire freedom to experiment with characters. One is the wise “Chrone,” sometimes depicted as a babushka chastising sorority girls for sporting club wear during lethal cold snaps. Others gleefully indulge various levels of thirst for species of men only found in Boulder, from “fit wook Dads going commando under their harem pants,” to recumbent cyclists with the “legs of Zeus.” These clues combined to suggest an important facet of Vermeire’s identity that her early content didn’t: that the account is run by a woman.

“I’ve started to become more transparent about this coming from the perspective of a woman because people kept assuming I was a dude, likely because people think boys are funnier than girls,” Vermeire says.

But the “manic-pixie-granola-girl desperate for guys” presented by Whole Foods Daddy is inflated for comic effect. The real Vermiere is less sure-footed, and more ready to laugh at her own expense.

“I constantly identify as an uncool person. That’s a big part of my actual personality,” Vermeire says. Many of her posts are marinated in that same self-deprecating charm, a key ingredient for relatability.

‘A TOTAL CONTRADICTION’

The memes would ring hollow if they didn’t faithfully capture Boulder, both its sparkle and blemishes. On that front, Vermeire has developed a working theory of her subjects.

“Boulderites love to work out and are really hot, for the most part. Those two things are probably related,” she says. If there is a thread connecting the city’s denizens, Vermeire posits, it’s an enduring drive “to become aspirational versions of themselves,” which introduces a problem.

ly; the hurt means it was real.

HELP, I’VE FALLEN IN LOVE WITH A HIPPY WHO LIVES IN A VAN AND DOES A LOT OF ’SHROOMS. ADVICE?

(or three, or six…) is perfectly valid. Being dumped is a breakup’s more agonizing iteration. Many of us in our “slut eras” owe our existence to the absolute ego death of a good dumping. Making it more difficult, living in a small town quickly turns common spaces like coffee shops and climbing gyms into awkwardly shared territories. What do? Cry it out in pigeon pose, or make art. Channel that hurt into creativity, like Stevie Nicks singing “Silver Springs” (live 1997) or a Naropa student painting a portrait of her ex with her menstrual blood for her thesis. If you must, ease your sorrow with some margs and/or other substances, but don’t numb the pain complete-

Oh nooo, you’re in situationship with a gentle and resourceful soul who hooks you up with psychedelics? Not to invalidate your terrible struggle, but it seems like you’re the one who should be giving the rest of us advice. My advice? Decolonize your mind! Reject what society told you about living in a van down by the river. While your unwashed lover may have extra potent pheromones (which many would consider a plus), they are also likely saving over a thousand dollars a month in rent compared to us Boulder-renting chumps. Unburden your mind of what your mother would think and enjoy the freaky van-lovemaking free from a

“If you’re only built on self-actualizing, what’s real anymore?”

Her answer: the surrounding natural wonder. “The mountains and beauty are the bedrock,” Vermeire says. “It’s the thing that’s real and enduring about this place.”

Less savory but no less real are the college town’s manifold inequalities. It was at Alfalfa’s, the now-defunct natural grocer on Broadway, where Vermeire sharpened her political consciousness working a service position after college. The store, for her, was Boulder in miniature.

“It’s where a huge amount of inspiration for the page came from,” she says. “You’d sort of see what the power dynamics in the city are.”

There was plenty of comic material at Alfalfa’s, too. But these lighter elements were “juxtaposed with homeless people shooting up in the back room and creepy advances from older, wealthy men who were prominent in the community, who can literally get away with anything because they own the world.”

Beyond running gags on Boulder stereotypes, Whole Foods Daddy performs a subtle civic function: illuminating the gap between the city’s polished, affluent presentation and those struggling on its margins. Boulder’s Gross Metro Product, the combined value of goods and services produced within its boundaries, is larger than the GDP of over half the countries in Africa. Nevertheless, solutions for housing its homeless or working-class residents continue to elude the city government.

“That’s what’s so complicated about Boulder,” Vermeire says. “That’s why you can’t describe it any other way than a total contradiction.” roommate’s prying ears.

Not that Vermeire sees her Instagram account as a treatise on the city’s social ills. “I come from the perspective of trying to be funny, first and foremost. And I think that’s the main purpose of the page. I want people to laugh over something we all have in common,” Vermeire says, tipping back her wine glass.

IS IT FUN TO BE IN BOULDER AS A POST-COLLEGE GRAD?

Listen, being five years out of college barely qualifies my experi- ence as post-college grad. But to answer your question in short: Yes, it’s a blast. Instead of waking up for a 10 a.m. lecture after doing shots you didn’t pay for at the Downer, you get to wake up for an 8 a.m. job (if you want to make rent) after doing shots at the Downer that no one bought for you. You may not have the blush of youth anymore, but you have gained the wisdom to know Illegal Pete’s breakfast burritos are the best cure for a hangover. Plus, having a newly developed prefrontal cortex makes it less likely that you’ll wake up next to the bouncer.

Got a burning Boulder question? Find wholefoods_daddy on Instagram, or email letters@boulderweekly.com with the subject line “Dear Whole Foods Daddy.”