SAVAGE LOVE

BY DAN SAVAGE

DEAR DAN: I’ve begun to think I am a lesbian I’m 29 years old, and I’ve only been with men up to now. The first guy I was with was sexually abusive and convinced me that sexually servicing a man regardless of how I felt was the norm. I carried this into my next decade-long, mostly long-distance relationship with a man, another relationship that involved a general disregard for sexual boundaries. (At one point when I refused PIV to prevent pregnancy, he joked about pinning me down and “just sticking it in.”) I didn’t realize that being happy in a long-term sexual relationship was even possible. The thing is, while remembering most of the sexual things I’ve done disgusts me, and while I find myself uninterested in the male form, I did enjoy making out with someone and being held. But while I am now repulsed by the thought of being with a man, I have no experience with women at this late age and having actively sought out relationships with men makes me think I can’t be gay. Why would I have sought out sex acts which now disgust me? Why did I pursue men if that wasn’t what I wanted?

— Done With Men

DEAR DWM: Lesbianism is not a consolation prize; lesbianism is not a severance package a woman is handed on her way out of a shitty straight relationship. Lesbianism is a romantic and sexual orientation. It’s a positive force — it’s about what (and who) a woman is drawn to, not what (and who) a woman is repulsed by. I mean, think about it… if having shitty relationships with men turned women into lesbians, DWM, there wouldn’t be any straight women left. Hell, if having shitty relationships with men turned people off men generally, DWM, there wouldn’t be any gay men left either. Straight guys with shitty ex-girlfriends would go gay, lesbians with shitty ex-wives would go straight, and bisexuals wouldn’t know what (or who) to do.

So, after reading your letter, DWM, I have few questions for you: Are you attracted to women? When you think about making out with someone and being held, do you see yourself with a woman? Does the thought of having sex with a woman turn you on? Do you get aroused when you think about going down on a woman, being gone down on by a woman, and doing all the other sexy sex things women do with women? If the answer to each of these questions is “yes,” DWM, then you might be a lesbian.

Many women realize they’re lesbians later in life, DWM, so your experience — years in unsatisfying straight relationships before coming out — wouldn’t be an uncommon one; you wouldn’t be the first lesbian who struggled to dig her authentic homosexuality out from under compulsory heterosexuality. Lots of women go through the motions with men — putting up with their smelly bodies and their vaguely threatening “jokes” about sexual violence before coming to the realization it wasn’t men they wanted at all, or not men they wanted exclusively.

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