SAVAGE LOVE

BY DAN SAVAGE

DEAR READERS: One more from the deep archives! This column is from August 1997 and features the birth of one of my readers’ favorite Savage Love-isms: “How’d That Happen?!” I’ll have a new column for you next week!

HEY, DAN: My girlfriend and I only see each other on weekends. To overcome the overwhelming desire to jerk off during the week, I have discovered that I get great pleasure urinating on myself. I don’t know how this happened — one morning I just did it.

About an hour after drinking a lot of water, I lay down in the bathtub. When I can’t hold it anymore, I direct a clear stream of urine all over my body. Then I pull my briefs back up and soak them. I keep my eyes closed — but do I need to worry about any long-term effects on my hair or skin? Is there anything wrong with me? I don’t want to be urinated on by anyone else.

— Wet

DEAR WET: We get a lot of letters here at Savage Labs. While every letter is unique, patterns do emerge, and Wet’s letter is a good example of a certain type of letter. The kids in the mailroom call them “HTH,” short for “How’d That Happen?!” letters. You see, Wet is doing this whack thing — pissing on himself in the bathtub as a substitute for masturbation (?) — and like a lot of folks doing whack things, Wet has some whack concerns. He has questions about the advisability of this whack behavior: Will urine damage my skin? Is there something wrong with me? So, he writes a letter. Something that he thinks, no doubt, took some courage. But in composing his letter, Wet chickens out: He fails to take responsibility for his actions, casting himself as a passive player in this bathtub drama. He may be peeing on himself, but it wasn’t really his idea, he writes: “I don’t know how this happened — one morning I just did it.” How’d That Happen?!

I’ve been taking unsupervised baths for 27 years, and in all that time I never just “happened” to pee all over myself. The times I have pissed in the tub or shower, it was on purpose — I was too lazy to get out of the shower, or I was fulfilling a special request. But it never just “happened.” I did it.

So, Wet, while I’m happy to answer your questions — no, it won’t hurt you; yes, there is something terribly, terribly wrong with you — your unwillingness to take responsibility for your actions disturbs me. Admit it: You’re into piss — you like it for its own sake, not as a substitute for masturbation. Repeat after me: “I like piss.” This is not something that just happened to you, like cancer or Candid Camera

It’s something you did. You’re a perv, Wet. Own it.

Case No.: 2023PR030229

All persons having claims against the above-named estate are required to present them to the Personal Representative or to the District Court of Boulder County, Colorado on or before September 11, 2023, or said claims may be forever barred. Rachel Fraenkel, Personal Representative c/o Howard O. Bernstein, P.C. at 1111 Pearl Street, Suite 203 Boulder, Colorado 80302

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