SAVAGE LOVE

BY DAN SAVAGE

DEAR DAN: I started seeing a massage guy about a year ago after connecting with him on Scruff. First couple times I got incredible deep and thorough massages; paid him for the time; and added a tip, all good. Then — and with no words exchanged — the massages started getting sexual. Now I get a brief massage and then his fingers start tickling my butt and we end up fucking. We don’t have any interaction outside the sessions, aside from texts setting up the next time. No complaints about the sex at all, but I miss the massages! Somehow this relationship went from a massage deal to sex work. (HTH?!?)

I’ve never hired a sex worker before. How much does a person tip a sex worker? And any ideas how I can steer the relationship back to more pounding of muscles without giving up the pounding of butt?

— Loving His Dick, Missing His Hands

DEAR LHDMHH: How did this arrangement go from a massage deal to sex work? How’d that happen? Your “massage guy” did it.

Your massage guy is a sex worker but a choosy one. He looks for prospective clients on hookup apps, offers “massage-only” meetups at first, and once he has a good feeling about someone — someone who respects his initial “massage-only” boundary, shows up freshly showered, and tips well (20-25%), e.g., someone like you your massage guy “upgrades” his new-ish client from massage (not what most guys are seeking on Scruff) to dick (what all guys are seeking on Scruff). If you miss massages, LHDMHH, book an extra hour and use your words. (“Love your excellent dick, miss your amazing massages!”) Then you can have it all.

DEAR DAN: I’ve been with my boyfriend since COVID. We were sexually incompatible from the start (both bottoms), but made it work due to the pandemic. Then I blinked and three years passed. We live together and I love him. But it just feels like a comfortable, nice life as opposed to being “in love.” And we never had that hot passionate start to fall back on or feel nostalgic about. I wonder if the end of the pandemic means it’s time to move on. I’m 41 years old and feel life can offer more. Am I being short-sighted in wanting more?

— Somewhat Unfulfilled Bottom

DEAR SUB: Two bottoms can have hot and passionate sex. I mean, are there no double-ended dildos in Gilead? Are there no tops in your vicinity, single and coupled, willing to guest star? Are oral sex and/or mutual masturbation not a good time?

Finding someone you love and enjoy living with isn’t easy, SUB, so you owe it to yourself to give this relationship a chance. I get it: You’ve been together for three years, you’ve already given this relationship a chance. But it doesn’t sound like you’ve given radical honesty a chance. (“We have to fix this or it’s over.”) You don’t wanna wake up five years from now in a no-longer-new relationship with someone you don’t love. Even if you had a lot of hot sex with that person at the start, SUB, nostalgia for great sex with someone you don’t love (as much or at all) is unlikely to sustain you through the decades between the NRE wearing off and death. Whereas making space in the loving relationship you’re already in — space for passionate sexual experiences together and/or with others (on your own or both) — could be all the sustenance you need.

It’s fine to want more, SUB, but before seeking more from someone else, ask for more from the someone you’ve already got.

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