SAVAGE LOVE

BY DAN SAVAGE

Q: Is it good to see your ex naked?

A: Well, it depends. If you’re on good terms with your ex and seeing your ex naked (looking at old pictures, swapping new ones, having breakup/FWB sex) doesn’t keep emotional wounds incurred during the relationship open and bleeding (making it harder for you and/or your ex to heal and move on) and seeing your ex naked doesn’t bother your current — if you have a current — then seeing your ex naked can be great.

Q: I have genital herpes, but I’m asymptotic. Panic or NBD?

A: Herpes is not a big deal for most people with herpes — most people with HSV1 or HSV2 are likewise asymptotic — so, don’t panic. I’ve done a few episodes of the Lovecast on herpes with Dr. Ina Park, a professor at the University of California San Francisco School of Medicine and Medical Consultant at the Centers for Disease Control Division of STD Prevention. Dr. Park discussed the stigma vs. the reality, disclosure vs. non-disclosure, treatment options and more.

Q: Does performing kegels with a cock or dildo in a male’s anus strengthen the sphincter?

A: In all honesty, I don’t know — but that’s never stopped me from telling a guy I’m fucking that doing kegels is a good idea.

Q: Do you prefer boxers, briefs, or boxer briefs on men?

A: I’m an ABT guy myself — anything but thongs.

Q: How does one deal with emotional discomfort during sex?

A: Well, it depends. Before I go any further, a lot of “sexperts” will tell you to stop at the first sign of emotional discomfort… but unlike a lot of “sexperts,” I’ve actually had sex. And this may come as a surprise to some of my readers… I actually have some sexual hang-ups. (Places I don’t like to be touched, things I don’t like to do, words I don’t like to be called, etc.). And if I called off sex whenever I experienced mild-to-middling emotional discomfort, I would’ve missed out on a lot of sex (and a few relationships) that turned out to be pretty good or even great. So, instead of ending things at the first sign of mild emotional discomfort, try saying things instead — try communicating in the moment —and if the person you’re with quickly corrects course and your discomfort passes, you’ll most likely be glad you didn’t call it off. If your emotional distress is severe, obviously call off the sex.

Q: I’m a cis gay man that really enjoys his sex toys, however, when I try to bottom for other men, I find that experience super itchy and uncomfortable. This doesn’t happen when I use toys and I have no idea why. Is this some kind of anal vaginismus?

A: “Itching can be due to an allergic reaction, an STI, or lack of lubrication,” said Dr. Carlton Thomas, a gastroenterologist and gay health expert. “Sometimes the hair on genitals can create an itchy sensation depending on its length. In this case, I wonder if our person is using condoms and might be allergic to the latex.”

Follow Dr. Thomas on Instagram and TikTok @doctorcarlton.