SAVAGE LOVE

BY DAN SAVAGE

DEAR DAN: When I was seven years old, I was molested by a neighbor, who apparently was a serial pedophile. Years later, another of his victims killed him and is now doing 20 years for manslaughter. I reached out to him in prison, and we’ve been corresponding for several months. Even though I don’t approve of murder, I understand why he did what he did and part of me is glad he did it. I feel a sense of kinship with him because of our shared history. There is zero chance of a romantic relationship between us. He’s not my type. We’re just pen pals.

My issue is this: In almost every communication he asks for money. I put some money on his canteen account, but his requests have broadened to wanting money to take classes, money for hobbies, money for books, and now, money to pay off a drug debt. (I said no to that last one.) I can afford it; that’s not the issue. The issue is that I’m starting to feel like an ATM. He’s also tried to use me as a messenger to send messages to people in the outside world, mostly his ex, which I’m reluctant to do because of course I have no idea how many facts he may be leaving out. I would end the correspondence, but he literally has no one else. He has no family and no friends other than the people he’s in prison with. He needs someone to be there for him, and I hate to abandon him. I want him to be ready for release when it happens in four years, and if I can help him turn his life around, I want to do it.

So, am I being an idiot here? Should I just cut him loose? Or should I continue to be a positive influence in his life?

— Prison Pen Pals

DEAR PPP: You’ve got four years to determine if you can trust this guy, PPP: articulate your boundaries now, clearly, and see how he responds. How much money can you spare? Tell him you’ll drop exactly that much money in his canteen account every month and tell him not to ask for more. Additionally, tell him not to ask you to contact people on his behalf if he has someone’s contact information, he can reach out to them directly, PPP, and doesn’t need an intermediary. (And if his ex or other friends have no-contact orders, asking you to contact them is a violation, as all no-contact orders forbid reaching out through third parties.) If he keeps asking for money and/or asking you to contact people after you’ve clearly communicated your boundaries, he’s unlikely to respect your boundaries once he’s out. And the last thing you want is an entitled murderer who has already demonstrated he can’t respect your boundaries showing up at your house — even if the guy happened to murder someone you kindasorta wanted dead.

People in prison need support from outside and your willingness to write him is a huge mitzvah all by itself but don’t lose sight of your own safety here. If he shows respect for your boundaries and stops asking you for additional money (to say nothing of settling his drug debts) and stops asking you to contact his ex and others on his behalf, PPP, you can think about providing him with more help and support once he’s out. But you’ll need to figure out what kind of help you’re able to offer once he gets out of prison and create a new set of boundaries.

You don’t owe him anything.