SAVAGE LOVE

BY DAN SAVAGE

DEAR DAN: I’m active-duty military, as is my wife. I made a huge mistake. I was scrolling on Reddit and came across an intriguing subreddit. All I wanted was to get a release through photos. The stranger on the other end asked for my WhatsApp information so they could send me photos. I ended up sending an inappropriate picture back to get a “rating,” and wound up in a blackmail situation after the recipient threatened to send it to my wife. I didn’t want that to happen, so I sent money, but this person still sent a screenshot to my wife. I told my wife I messed up. I feel so angry and resentful toward myself and am in therapy now working through my issues. I have an unhealthy relationship with porn. My wife knew I watched porn, and she was OK with that, but she isn’t OK with this. I love my wife and I don’t want it to end over a single penis picture sent to a random person. I didn’t seek a conversation or anything else from this stranger. What can I do to earn my wife’s trust back? Was it cheating? Why did I do this?

— Picture Include Consequences

DEAR PIC: You sent the picture because you wanted to feel wanted. Sometimes a married person in a monogamous relationship needs to have their desirability affirmed by someone who isn’t their spouse; someone whose job isn’t to tell us we’re hot. People used to get that need met by strangers in hotel bars or people they briefly interacted with at work — people used to get that need met in ways that didn’t create a digital trail — but nowadays we get that need met online. So, instead of flirting with someone you were never going to be in the same room with again, PIC, you connected online with someone you were never going to be in the same room with ever.

I wouldn’t consider it cheating, PIC, but I’m not your wife.

As a general rule, I think monogamous couples should define cheating as narrowly as possible. Touching someone else with your dick? Obviously that counts. Flirting with a stranger you’re never going to meet in person? I don’t think that counts. If we want monogamous marriages to survive routine temptations, online and off, I think we need to round things like this down to stupid-but-forgivable rather than rounding them up to cheating-and-unforgiveable.

Once your wife gets past her initial shock and anger, I hope she can see you were the victim here — of your own poor judgment, but also the victim of an online sociopath and a victim of revenge pornography. You shouldn’t do that thing where you’re so theatrically angry with yourself that your wife feels manipulated into comforting you. You need to let her be angry, you need to apologize to her, and then, when things calm down a little, you can talk about what you actually did. You flirted with a stranger, which is something your wife has probably done herself, and that stranger turned out to have an ulterior motive and a vindictive streak.

If your wife can forgive you for flirting with a stranger like this, this marriage can be saved. If she can’t, then this marriage — and any future marriage your wife might enter into — is probably doomed.