DEAR WHOLE FOODS DADDY

Your burning Boulder questions, asked and answered

BY GABBY VERMEIRE AKA WHOLE FOODS DADDY

We all have questions and need advice, but sometimes the pseudo therapy in the Instagram stories of astrology girls doesn’t cut it. Or maybe the gate-keeping culture of adventure bros has you fearing the judgment that comes with revealing yourself as a newbie at anything. This advice column exists to hold space for you and your Boulder queries (especially the uncool ones).

How do I best embrace “Boulder casual” (think work clothes)?

Looking through the Amazon rainforest of house plants growing in the offices on West Pearl, you’ll see far fewer work pants than padded-ass cyclist shorts behind the standing desks.

A shorthand for knowing if you’re pulling off Boulder casual is to ask yourself, “Would my midwestern/east coast mother be deeply ashamed of this ’fit?” If she’s going to make you change out of your sportsbra-as-top before dinner, you’ve nailed it.

How do I become a cyclist daddy? What does it mean to be a daddy?

I’m just a guy.

Is it the way their slight frame looks under layers of helmet, sunnies and Rapha-branded bib-and-shorts? The Europhilia? Or is it the intensity that bubbles beneath the surface, drawing you in for all the wrong reasons, which can only be exorcized through grueling rides up to Gold Hill? dog owners have convinced themselves that their dogs happen to like exactly the same things as they do. Oh, you’re a jock? um, I mean you — can do is incorporate her personality into yours. Turn smelling like tea tree oil into your thing: “Oh, you didn’t know that I use veggie scraps to make broth for soup? Yeah, it’s kinda my *thing*.” Laughs and bites my turmeric-stained thumb mischievously, because that’s also my thing now.

While many cyclist daddies possess these traits, none alone does a daddy make. What makes a daddy is being imbued with a casual and authoritative sensuality, and almost always a marked resemblance to a geeky middle school biology teacher from your sexually formative years.

“Bodhi” is clearly just as stoked on those Strava stats as you are. You’re paleo now, bro? And your goodboy “Rogan” (wtf?) is also on that primal dog food kick? Quelle coincidence! Sorry, but just because you feel like you and pup are totallyaligned homies, his heaven doesn’t involve an eternity of being an extension of your personality.

Do Boulder doggies go to human heaven?

Like a vegan happily watching their captive partner force a smile as they choke down something that sounds suspiciously like “Satan,” Boulder’s

How do I move on from the esoteric Boulder woman I met in undergrad?

Can you still remember how magical it felt to lay naked on her mattress with the cigarette burns as Velvet Underground played from her turntable? Do you still see her turmericstained fingers in your mind’s eye skillfully rolling a joint, like a muse dreamed up by Zach Braff after he attended a Naropa house party?

Like your favorite sticker-covered water bottle you left at a trailhead, there is no moving on from an esoteric Boulder woman. The best we —

How can I have an outdoorsy dating profile without all the bland first-date conversations about climbing, skiing and hiking?

You may paste the following into your dating app profile bio: Hello, feel free to notice and swipe right on my shredded deltoids. While I am proud of this fit bod and the 14-er I summited in my third picture, I am so much more than this outdoorsy hotness. Let’s have a bland first date conversation about coffee, or Barbenheimer, or dear God anything but climbing. Please respect my boundaries.

Got a burning Boulder question or conundrum? DM @wholefoods_ daddy on Instagram, or email letters@boulderweekly.com with the subject line “Dear Whole Foods Daddy.”

THU. 8/3 - 8:00PM

MADELINE HAWTHORNE

FRI. 8/4 - 8:00PM

OLD TOBY WITH COPPERTAIL EVERY WEDNSDAY BOULDER BLUEGRASS JAM

SAT. 8/5 - 8:30PM

JEFF CROSBY

FRI. 8/11 - 8:00PM

PETER KARP BAND

SAT. 8/12 - 7:00PM

PINE TOP PERKINS BENEFIT WITH BOB MARGOLIN

MON. 8/14 - 8:00PM MY SON THE HURRICANE

TUE. 8/15 - 8:00PM WILL EVANS (OF BAREFOOT TRUTH)

SAT. 8/19 - 9:00PM

SQUEAKY FEET

SUN. 8/20 - 7:00PM

GARRETT LEBEAU, JAY STILES AKA CRYSTAL FINGER: SOUTH AUSTIN BLUES REVUE

THU. 8/24 - 7:00PM

CLAY ROSE SINGER SONGWRITER

FRI. 8/25 - 8:00PM

TERESA STORCH BAND WITH MACKENZIE RAE

THU. 9/14 - 8:00PM

ANTONIO LOPEZ BAND & LAURIE DAMERON

SAT. 9/16 - 6:00PM

K9’S, COWBOYS & COCKTAILS FUNDRAISER

TUE. 9/19 - 6:30PM

MOJOMAMMA LIVE BROADCAST ON 88.5 KGNU

Purchase Tickets at RMPtix.com

RootsMusicProject.org

4747 Pearl Suite V3A

4

MURDER MYSTERY AT THE BLUEBIRD LODGE

7-10 p.m. Friday, Aug. 4, Gold Hill Inn, 301 Main St. $145

MENTAL HEALTH PARTNERS’ 60TH ANNIVERSARY CELEBRATION

4-6 p.m. Thursday, Aug. 3, Ryan Wellness Center, 1000 Alpine Ave., Boulder. Free

Celebrate more than half a century of Boulder County’s comprehensive community health center on Aug. 3 with a free open house and self-care ice cream social featuring comfort dogs and massage stations, plus tasty offerings from Nothing Bundt Cakes and Häagen-Dazs. 3 – 6

LOCAL ARTIST POP-UP SHOP

11 a.m.-5 p.m. Thurs.-Sun., Aug. 3-6, Boulder

Museum of Contemporary Art, 1750 13th St. Through Aug. 6. Free

Drop by the museum shop at BMoCA for one-of-a-kind items by nine Colorado artists. This limited time popup shop includes prints, apparel, ceramics, soft sculptures and more from artists representing Boulder, Longmont, Fort Collins and points in between.

The year is 1941, and death is on the menu — but whodunit? Til’ Death Do Us Party Productions welcomes you to a murder mystery event at the historic Gold Hill Inn, where you’ll solve the case with a three-course meal.

4

FIZZ & SPICE: THE ART OF FERMENTATION

6-7:30 p.m. Friday, Aug. 4, Boulder Museum of Contemporary Art, 1750 13th St. $70

From beer to veggies and more, fermentation is one of cuisine’s greatest natural phenomena. BMoCA hosts fermentation queen Chef Mara King for a hands-on demonstration of the process, where you’ll leave with everything you need to do your own fermenting at home.

4

NOBO FIRST FRIDAY

6-9 p.m. Friday, Aug. 4, NoBo Art District, 4895 Broadway, Boulder. Free

Everyone’s favorite monthly art bash is back. NoBo First Friday, one of the city’s most anticipated regular community events, returns with studio tours, live music, food trucks, pop-up performances and exhibitions at Bus Stop Gallery and NoBo Arts Center.

4 – 6

BOOGIE ON THE HILL 2023

5 p.m.-midnight. Fri.-Sun., Aug. 4-6, 849 Blue Mountain Trail, Lyons. $45

Each year, Travis and Lisa Dennis host a quirky music festival at their 35-acre plot of land on Blue Mountain near Lyons. Camping, live tunes, yoga and tubing are in store this weekend, all with an amazing view.

5

NIWOT FLOWERFEST

10 a.m.-3 p.m. Saturday, Aug. 5, Cottonwood Square and 2nd Avenue, Niwot. Free

Ten businesses lining downtown Niwot open their doors on Saturday for FlowerFest, a colorful celebration featuring flower farm booths, music, flower crowns and a visit from the Flower Fairy. The first 75 visitors will get a punch card for free flowers to take home. 5

SALSA DANCE: JUNKYARD SOCIAL CLUB

7-9:30 p.m. Saturday, Aug. 5, Junkyard Social Club, 2525 Frontier Ave., Boulder. $10

Dance instructor Marcela Lay brings her grooves to Junkyard Social Club for a course on salsa-ton: a mixture of Latin music combining forms like salsa, bachata, merengue and reggaeton. This dance party includes a bar and snacks in a kid-friendly environment.

5

ADVENTURE FOR ALL: COMMUNITY FILM PREMIERE

2-5 p.m. Saturday, Aug. 5, Rayback Collective, 2775 Valmont Road, Boulder. Free

Head to Rayback Collective on Saturday for a premiere of three inspiring adventure-sport films about people with intellectual and developmental disabilities, presented by Adventure for All to “advocate for a better future that offers everyone equal opportunities to face life’s challenges.”

8 – 11

FAIRYTALE FOREST ART CAMP

1-4 p.m. Tues.-Fri., Aug. 8-11, The New Local, 741 Pearl St., Boulder. $230 (includes all materials)

The New Local hosts a Fairytale Forest Art Camp for ages 5-10 during this four-day workshop that’ll have your kiddo’s imagination running wild. Resident art faerie and gallery director Lynette Errante will lead the little ones in crafting magic wands, ceramic toadstool jars and more.

7

COFFEE WITH KINGS

7:30 p.m. Monday, Aug. 7, January Coffee, 1886 30th St., Suite B, Boulder. $8

You’re familiar with drag queens, but what about drag kings? Now’s your chance to experience a showstopping performance of the time-honored artform at January Coffee with raffle prizes and shows from three featured performers and two emerging kings.

9

BAD ART PARTY FOR ADULTS

6-8:30 p.m. Wednesday, Aug. 9, Grossen Bart Brewery, 1025 Delaware Ave., Suite C, Longmont. $30

K. Stein Creations and Grossen Bart Brewery invite you to a freestyle crafting event featuring off-the-wall materials for your creative pleasure. Bad Art Party is about creating memories, and maybe even walking home with the “Best of the Worst” or the “Too Good to be Bad” award.

All having claims against the above-named estate are required to present to the Personal Representative or to the District Court of Boulder County, Colorado on or before November 23, 2023, or said claims may be forever barred.