SAVAGE LOVE

BY DAN SAVAGE

DEAR DAN: My husband has neurological memory problems. Not Alzheimer’s, but similar in some ways, and it does require me to do a fair amount for him. I have to remind him of every little thing, fix tons of “problems,” accompany him everywhere (because otherwise he gets lost), etc., etc., etc. The end result is, I feel more like his parent or his nurse or live-in tech support than his spouse. We love each other, but it’s not the same as it was, and never can be again. This is very frustrating for him to go through, but it’s also very frustrating for me. He’s the one with a memory problem, but I can’t even remember the last time we did anything more than hug or share a goodbye kiss. Probably not in at least 10 years or more. I’ve basically had to give up a huge part of myself, and I don’t know how to get that back. I feel starved. I feel dead inside. How can I bring myself back to life?

— Frustrated And Resentful

DEAR FAR: You’re his caretaker now, not his romantic partner, FAR, and you demonstrate your loyalty to your husband by staying, by being at his side whenever he leaves the house, by reminding him to take his meds, etc., etc., etc. As a caretaker, you’re under a tremendous amount of pressure and, if you’re an American, you live in a country that provides zero support for people taking care of chronically ill or disabled loved ones. So, you need to take care of yourself, FAR, and if discreetly meeting up with a lover or hiring a sex worker makes it possible for you to stay married and stay sane — if it makes it possible for you to be the partner your husband needs now — do what you need to do.

DEAR DAN: I have a sexting partner and we’re about to go from just texts to actually meeting up in real life. But in our text exchanges, we don’t discuss things like condoms, protection, personal hygiene, etc., as everything is strictly fantasy. How do I start incorporating real life concerns and questions into these fantasies?

— Fantasies Erotic And Realities Serious

DEAR FEARS: Instead of attempting to do the impossible — and incorporating condoms, protection, personal hygiene, etc., into fantasy text exchange is impossible — you should send your sexting partner a standalone, not-trying-to-be-sexy “concerns and logistics” message after your next sexting session. Let them know there are some practical matters you would like to discuss in advance of your first face-to-face meeting. Then you can bring up condoms, other protections, your expectations around personal hygiene, and anything else you want to discuss before that first meeting. Additionally, FEARS, if you’ve expressed interest in something during your sext exchanges that you don’t want to experience in real life not now, not ever — or if you’ve played along with something your sexting partner was fantasizing about that you’re not interested in doing with or for them, now’s the time to walk that shit back.