SAVAGE LOVE

BY DAN SAVAGE

DEAR DAN: In April, I started dating a guy, one year older than me, who recently came out as gay after 13 years with a woman. I assumed from the beginning it wasn’t going to work, as he understandably needed to explore his sexuality. However, we dated for a couple of months and had a very strong bond. We talked every day, we saw each other whenever we could, we spent whole weekends together. It didn’t feel like a casual relationship. After a couple of months, I brought up the “boyfriends” topic and he was very clear that he didn’t want a “relationship” even though he was loving his time with me.

I put up my defense shield and disappeared. That was a month ago, and we basically haven’t spoken since. However, a week ago, two of my friends told me that he hit on them. I know we weren’t in an exclusive relationship, but what the fuck? Hitting on my friends? Go and do it with whoever you want, bro, but my friends? I feel like he didn’t give a fuck about me, and that I am worthless. I’m in therapy and I know this is something I have to work on. But I just can’t get over it, I feel completely played and worthless. What do you think?

—Completely Insensitive And Outrageous

DEAR CIAO: Pull yourself together. Unlike your ex-whatever-he-was, CIAO, you didn’t come out yesterday. You’re a nearly 30-year old out gay man with a good group of friends around you and you’re having a meltdown because things didn’t work out with someone you dated for two months. It sucks when someone you want doesn’t want you back, I realize (been there), and it sucks when someone turns out to be the kind of person who would hit on your friends. But it’s a very big jump from, “This guy didn’t care about me,” to, “I am utterly worthless.” Frankly, CIAO, that’s the kind of reaction I would expect from a guy who’d just come out, not from someone who’d been out and dating for years.

You can’t help but feel your feelings, CIAO, and I’m not trying to shame you. It’s good you’re seeing someone — it’s good you’re getting help — because if this is your reaction after a two-month relationship with a baby gay ended badly, having someone to talk you through it is a good idea. You should also talk with your therapist about how you ghosted this guy because he wasn’t ready to tell you precisely what you wanted to hear at the precise moment you wanted to hear it. Hitting on the friends of someone who has feelings for you is a shitty thing to do, CIAO, but disappearing on people because they’re not ready to commit — ready yet or ready ever — is also a pretty shitty thing to do. Maybe your therapist can help you see that.

Finally, knowing what you know about this guy now, CIAO, you wouldn’t want to be this guy’s boyfriend — not because you’re worthless, but because you value yourself too highly.