SAVAGE LOVE

BY DAN SAVAGE

DEAR DAN: I’ve been carrying a lot of guilt and shame for a long time. (Content warning: sexual abuse.) I am a victim of childhood sexual abuse. My abuser forced me to watch zoophilia porn while they abused me again and again. This left me with an addiction to this kind of porn. I hate it and I hate myself for watching it. I want to know how to stop watching it as it physically hurts me every time I do, but I was conditioned to enjoy it by an evil person. This porn goes against all of my values, and I am so scared of anyone ever finding out. I’m still very young — not even 25 — and I want to know if there is any hope for breaking this habit and healing from this. I’m sick of feeling like a horrible person.

— Abuse Wounds Fucking Up Life

DEAR AWFUL: I shared your question with an expert who has done extensive research into sexual abuse and trauma. This expert wished to remain anonymous to avoid having Google searches lead to my sex column. Their request to remain anonymous was about me, AWFUL, it wasn’t about you.

“It’s not uncommon for child sexual abuse survivors to have some sort of additional exposure related to abuse or harm,” our highly credentialed expert (HCE) said. “Whether nonconsensual pornographic content or environmental exposures (like substances) or zoophilia, people who harm children often use conditioning techniques such as the ones AWFUL describes, especially taboo or shameful things, as that makes it even more difficult for the victim to disclose the abuse.” It is not uncommon for someone who is being sexually abused or assaulted to become physically aroused. This kind of arousal is an involuntary bodily response; it is not a sign the victim has consented or is experiencing pleasure. The body is acting in self-defense to prevent additional injuries. Even though this response is involuntary and not a sign of pleasure, repeated acts of abuse can create a powerful association.

“For people like AWFUL, sexual arousal can come with compulsive sexual experiences linked to these contents and exposures — and quite a bit of shame,” HCE said.

“Those feelings of shame, anxiety, and depression keep people isolated and away from people that can support them and help them heal.”

And with support, AWFUL, you can heal.

“There are several evidencebased therapeutic approaches that use cognitive and trauma-based approaches that can not only reduce feelings of shame, but also help to process emotions and trauma experiences,” said HCE. “These approaches help the brain process information and make new pathways for healthier intimacy experiences.”

A good therapist can help you unearth your own authentic desires.

“I want to assure AWFUL that both trauma and sex therapists are knowledgeable about the behaviors of people who commit harm against children, such as unwanted sexual content exposure — and trauma and sex therapists understand the impact conditioning and exposure might have on arousal responses and compulsive/addictive behaviors,” said HCE. “AWFUL should look for a therapist that has experience in both trauma and sex therapy modalities. Someone trained in Cognitive Processing Therapy (CPT), Trauma-focused Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) or Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing (EMDR) would be a good place to start.” workday, Inc. is accepting resumes for the following positions at various levels in Boulder, CO: Senior Software developer engineer (20637.739): Responsible for working on all aspects of adaptive planning SaaS web based application. Salary: $160,000.00$240,000.00 per year, 40 hours per week. Software engineer / Software development engineer (20637.1471): analyzes, designs, programs, debugs, and modifies software enhancements and/or new products used in local, networked, or internet-related computer programs. Salary: $103,813$195,400 per year, 40 hours per week. workday pay ranges vary based on work location and recruiters can share more during the hiring process. as a part of the total compensation package, this role may be eligible for the workday Bonus plan or a role-specific commission/bonus, as well as annual refresh stock grants. each candidate’s compensation offer will be based on multiple factors including, but not limited to, geography, experience, skills, future potential and internal pay parity. For more information regarding workday’s comprehensive benefits, please go to workday.com/en-us/company/careers/ life-at-workday.html

You are not a terrible person something terrible was done to you. You deserve help and sympathy and if you reach out to the right professionals, you’ll find it. AASECT is a good place to start your search: aasect.org/referral-directory.

Interested applicants submit resumes by mail to: J. thurston at workday, Inc., attn: Human Resources/Immigration, 6110 Stoneridge Mall Road, pleasanton, Ca 94588. Must reference job title and job code.