DEAR WHOLE FOODS DADDY

BY GABBY VERMEIRE

We all have questions and need advice, but sometimes the pseudo therapy in the Instagram stories of astrology girls doesn’t cut it. Or maybe the gate-keeping culture of adventure bros has you fearing the judgment that comes with revealing yourself as a newbie at anything. This advice column exists to hold space for you and your Boulder queries (especially the uncool ones).

things when you find yourself crying with fear on the Second Flatiron as your buff athlete date says something about “4 grades,” all because you thought going to the rec center semiregularly qualified you to identify as “active” on your dating profile.

BEST WAYS TO KICK SEASONAL AFFECTIVE DISORDER’S ASS THIS YEAR?

Don’t listen to “welladjusted” people who’ll give you the same tired old prescriptions of “outdoor activities,” or to the Boulder moms in your life who swear by consuming vitamin D straight from the dropper; they are denying the natural vibes of the season of the crone.

HOW DO I BAG A JACKED HOTTIE WITHOUT HAVING TO BE A RIPPED/ELITE ATHLETE?

Along with the delicate morning sight of the frost-glazed Flatirons, the promise of winter brings cuffing season. And maybe it’s the cultural zeitgeist that has you thirsty for the Travis to your Taylor, but who better to receive the warmth of your increasingly desperate affection than an endurance athlete, whose lack of natural insulation makes them biologically susceptible to the cold?

But if you’re anything like me, the rom-coms of our childhood have illprepared you for the unforgiving reality of trying to seduce a Type-A Boulder athlete. You know how the protagonist in movies like Maid in Manhattan pretends to be someone else whom their romantic interest is tricked into falling in love with, and when all is revealed, it’s all cool and good, etc.? I promise, it is not those

Instead of kicking SAD’s ass, contend with it as you would with your dependable winter situationship: a cold, lonely winter’s night leads to a winedrunk text to Seasonal Depressive Disorder which leads to a “lets catch up! :)” at Bitter Bar, which leads to bad decisions and a hookup arrangement of convenience with seasonal melancholy.

WHAT’S THE MOST CURSED PLACE IN BOULDER?

I posed this question to my Instagram followers once; their answers (frankly, “everywhere”) only reveal that Boulder’s darkness remains deeply personal to all of us. While many — myself included — get the creeps from the sterile eeriness of the 29th Street Mall or the fluorescent-lit sadness of a Sweet Green, others find a haven in a consistent corporate product amid Boulder’s chaos. Similarly, many may find the Illegal Pete’s bathroom to be Sharpie-graffiti’d ick, while to some of us it is where our most sincere revelations to our deepest friends were sobbed between bouts of throwing up all those free shots of Cuervo.

WHAT GHOST WOULD YOU CHILL WITH IN BOULDER AND WHY?

TBH, we’re living on stolen land and I accept that most of the ghosts here don’t want to chill with a colonizer. But, plenty of weary travelers have been lucky enough to share a toke and a laugh with the ghost of Jerry (no last name needed), who haunts a dusty bus stop on the RTD NB Line. It turns out he’s just an old Ned-head named Charlie who has some heady homegrown and rolls ’em fat. Real good guy.

Please Rank The Squashes

Getting asked to rank squashes must be what it feels like to be a dude with extra-long arms and an addictive personality who just discovered bouldering. It’s like I’ve been training to do this my whole life.

1. Delicata – I promise, watching someone realize that squash can taste like candy as they consume your roasted delicata squash side dish like Edmund devouring Turkish delight is the ego boost we all need.

2. Kobucha – Yes, I will feel shame when presenting the Whole Foods cashier (who will soon come to despise my existence) with esoteric and niche squashes whose highlyobscure PLUs will confound all but the most hardened of cashiers. But the Kobucha’s homely exterior belies a starchy carb-bomb that makes it worth it.

3. Buttercup – Oh, so buttercup squashes are literally just perfectly tiny butternut squashes that are so cute I want to die? I’ll take 100, thanks.

4. Full-moon canterbus – Not a real squash, but you thought it was for a second!

Got a burning Boulder question or conundrum? DM @wholefoods_ daddy on Instagram, or email letters@ boulderweekly.com with the subject line “Dear Whole Foods Daddy.”