SAVAGE LOVE BY DAN SAVAGE
I’ve been going to the same barber (a woman) for almost eight years now. We always have nice heart-to-heart conversations, and I’ve loaned her money in the past (single mom). She’s called to ask for advice on some life stuff a couple of times. She’s also asked me about my dating life, my kid, work, etc. My concern is if I was to ask her out, it would most likely make things awkward, and I don’t want to lose her as my barber. I have risked dropping innuendos now and again, but she’s never picked up on them. She says nice and courteous things, which make me feel good, but I understand this part of customer service. But I’m not sure it’s only that. — Joe Haircut It’s only that. Women in service professions who rely on tips will sometimes share stories about disastrous dates, shitty exes and heartbreaks with male clients not to signal romantic interest, JH, but to signal romantic disinterest. Which is not to say she doesn’t like you or doesn’t consider you a friend. She clearly does. But don’t confuse choosing to ignore your innuendos for failing to pick up on them. As dick-havers, JH, we have to be on our guard against motivated reasoning, AKA “dickful thinking,” and this is definitely a case of motivated reasoning.
I’m involved with a married man. They’re basically separated yet live under the same roof. But my lover is really scared that he might lose custody in a divorce. Once their kid (a teenager) goes to college, he wants to separate/divorce. I expect to really be with him after all this, but I do want to help him get through this transition period. I’ve discussed ENM with him, but I can’t force him to tell her. What can he say or do to end the marriage in an ethical and kind way? — Yet Another Other Woman All you know is what he’s told you. I’m not suggesting — as others would — that you can’t believe a single thing this man says because he’s cheating on his wife. Men who have affairs are seen as bad guys — even when they’re not cheating their wives out of anything their wives want — and he may be making his marriage sound more dysfunctional than it actually is to elicit your sympathy (and your pussy), YAOW. If your lover is planning to file for divorce once his kid is in college, and his kid is already a teenager, well, then the end (of this marriage) is nigh. (Assuming he means it; that could be another line he’s feeding you.) If you’re comfortable fucking a married man, go ahead and fuck this guy. But just as he shouldn’t make his marriage sound worse than it actually is to rationalize or justify the morally ambiguous choice he’s made (fucking you), you don’t need to talk him into broaching the subject of ENM with his wife and/or ending his marriage to rationalize or justify the morally ambiguous choice you’ve made (fucking him).
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BOULDER WEEKLY
NOVEMBER 30, 2023
25
