COVER DEAR WHOLE FOODS DADDY: HOLIDAY EDITION

Chilly

Your burning Boulder questions, asked and answered

BY GABBY VERMEIRE

We all have questions and need advice, but sometimes the pseudo therapy in the Instagram stories of astrology girls doesn’t cut it. Or maybe the gatekeeping culture of adventure bros has you fearing the judgment that comes with revealing yourself as a newbie at anything. This advice column exists to hold space for you and your (holidaycoded) Boulder queries — especially the uncool ones.

Best holiday cocktail in Boulder?

Depends how you define “best.” By some standards, a $17 “winter-edition” drink with an uncomfortably horny name like The Naughty List Negroni (i.e. a Negroni with cinnamon liquor) crafted by a License No. 1 mixologist with an alt-right haircut is the superlative holiday cocktail. Here’s a better recipe:

• 12 oz Traditional Medicinals Throat Coat tea

• 4 oz cheap whiskey

• The best company money can’t buy ing in line for the Sundown Saloon; it’s that it’s all worth it for the 0.5 seconds of attention from a worthless frat bro. nitely decorated with prayer flags — so cool and not cringe at all in hindsight. But hey, at that age you’re more concerned with lighting up other kinds of trees if you know what I mean, haha! (Get it? Because CU kids smoke a lot of weed...)

Spot. Stay strong, friend: 2.5 months of warm, but kinda … sandy-feeling? ... cuddles aren’t worth the awkwardness of a subpar, small-town situationship. (Sidenote: “Subpar Small-Town Situationship” is a Zach Bryan song waiting to happen.)

Which hotel lobby can I post up in around the holidays to ogle the silver fox daddies?

What do you do if you’ve been skipped over this cuffing season?

Stop selling yourself short. You haven’t been skipped over; your standards have just been too high to succumb to swiping right on that total fuccboi you see every Wednesday night at The

It’s not too late! Here — play the webpage-refresh-game as soon as Gregory Alan Isakov NYE at Gold Hill Inn tickets go on sale, and buy two. Make suitors fight each other to the death for the chance to be your date to the most exclusive night in town. You’re welcome.

Thoughts on research suggesting ‘hoes don’t get cold’ as plausible. The research referenced in this question claims that feeling objectifiable is associated with not actually perceiving the cold. I’m calling BS on this science. If my hazy memory of those nights serves me right, it’s not that the hoes in question don’t feel miserable wearing a questionably constructed Urban Outfitters dress shiver-

While I can’t condone explicit creepiness, respectful gazing is permitted. Daddies? They’re not at the Boulderado or the St. Julien; they’re on the Pearl Street Mall, waiting to plop their offspring on the lap of the silveriest, foxiest, daddiest daddy of all, who’s been making a list and checking it twice. “Please,” his children beg, “can we have some treats with refined sugar this year?”

Does a self-respecting Boulderite get a real Christmas tree?

YES. Every Boulderite remembers their first Christmas tree in their crappy Uni Hill sublet that was defi-

Do people still you-know-what inside the big star on Flagstaff and take a bulb when they do?

Traditions!

To answer this question, I consulted the experts, i.e. those who actually got some action in high school, and it is indeed a thing. As with anything fun, someone (probably jealous of their hot roommate’s increasing collection of large LED light bulbs in the garage) fenced off the area at some point in the past few years.