SAVAGE LOVE

BY DAN SAVAGE

My friend needs help. He’s an adorable 30-year-old gay boy who’s a top, but his mannerisms, height, demeanor and exceptionally cute butt suggest otherwise.

Here’s the issue: He’s so strident about monogamy that it turns most men off, which is a shame. Most gay/ bi men expect some degree of openness. Additionally, he thinks relationships that start out as hookups or something slightly sleazier are suspect, whereas I and the most significant men in my life disagree.

Besides occasionally offering a nudge, is there anything I can do for him? He truly is a catch, and I don’t like seeing him glum. He’s broken up with several guys who can’t commit to total monogamy forever — all while still being flirty with me, a guy who has multiple partners. (Nothing would work out between us, as we’re both tops.)

I know that my life is enhanced dramatically by my boyfriends, and I just want him to have what I have instead of going to bed alone almost every night. How can I help him?

— Boy Explaining One Possible Erotic Niche

Does he want to be helped, BEOPEN? I’ve known some gay couples who met cute, e.g., their straight besties conspired to introduce them, they reached for the same sweater on a sale rack, they took a class together at college, etc. But most gay couples I’ve known met sleazy, e.g., they swapped hole pics on Grindr by way of introduction, they were chained to the same rack in a sex dungeon in Berlin, they met sucking dick in a cruisy toilet at college, etc. I’m going to guess that your friend, having been out and for at least a decade, has met enough gay couples to know that ruling out guys he meets under sleazy circumstances — he doesn’t go to bed alone every night — is an act of romantic self-sabotage. Same goes for browbeating men who might be willing to consider monogamy (at least at the start, at least for him) by insisting their commitment to monogamy on principle before he’ll consider dating them.

I’m guessing this problem — your hot friend’s inability to find a boyfriend — isn’t a problem for him. Some people set unrealistic expectations/conditions at the start of their dating lives, they’re alone as a result, and they eventually adjust their expectations/ conditions. But not everyone who sets unrealistic expectations/conditions is unhappy about being alone — some prefer to be alone — but they would rather be seen as pitiable than damaged or emotionally stunted. (For the record: I don’t think people who prefer to be single are damaged or emotionally stunted.) They never adjust their expectations/conditions because they’re only pretending to be unhappy about still being single.

Seeing as there are guys out there who want monogamy as badly as your friend (my hunch) is pretending he does, BEOPEN, the fact that he hasn’t managed to locate even one over the last decade is solid evidence he isn’t seriously looking. Which means your friend’s insistence on monogamy isn’t an obstacle he faces, but rather a barricade he built.