SEX AND THE SINGLE MUM

By Ginger Jones, Nassau, Bahamas

There it was, staring right back at me, in the same way it had almost exactly two years ago to the day. In the same airport terminal bookstore in North Carolina. 50 Shades of Grey. I smiled in an all-knowing way and considered all that had happened since I bought that book back in the summer of 2012.

the Single B . ack then I was newly forty and newly single. With three kids. Totally unexpectedly. It was not a place I had ever even imagined. And I had no idea what to do once I found myself there. I was standing, heartbroken in a bookstore during a layover on my way to a conference in Connecticut, a long way from my little island home in The Bahamas. My mind was so tired. I had been trying to understand how a man can walk out on his family after 14 years together. I had been trying to figure it out, unsuccessfully, for six months. I knew I had a long and lonely 4 nights ahead of me, and I could feel despair clutching my heart as I considered being alone in the world. I knew I needed some senseless “summer reading”, something to distract me from long nights of too much wine and Facebook. So I bought it and I read it in one night, instead of surfing the net or taking another 3-hour long bath just to pass the time. I read. And it was rubbish. But I couldn’t stop reading. And after my conference the next day I found the nearest bookstore and bought the other two. And I devoured them as well. As an English major, it was a deliciously frivolous thing to do. As I read, I found myself mourning the loss of my sex life. Not that it had ever approached the salaciousness of the acts described in the books, but at least I had been able to rely on completely staid, uninspiring sex once or twice a month. I had accepted that as normal. I was a mother. I wasn’t meant to want more. Was I? But now, even that was lost. How depressing. Reading those terribly written (and yes! deliciously entertaining) books did more than keep me distracted during those four long days in Hartford; they also planted a seed. They flipped an internal switch. I promised myself that if I actually survived my husband leaving me, and if I ever found a man who was interested in dating a 40 plus woman with 3 kids and an almost non-existent bank account, I’d make the most of it. Sexually that is.

Opportunity knocked less than one month later with an outof-the-blue phone call from an ex-boyfriend. The universe was giving me another chance and this time I was determined not to blow it. Yay! Universe. We talked a lot. He was in Canada, I was in

The Bahamas. Skype created a safe place for me. I could say what

I wanted and yet still feel protected by the distance between us.

It was intense. After 6 weeks, we planned to meet in Miami. We planned every detail. It was exciting and exhilarating. And when I stepped into that hotel room, three hours before he arrived, I could hardly stand. My legs shook with nervousness and anticipation.

He did not disappoint me. It was an electric moment. I let go of everything. I let go of pain and rejection and worry and heartbreak and I focused on each moment as it happened. It was transformative.

I was reborn.

Sex at 40 is worlds apart from sex at 26. It’s better. And, trust me, sex with a new man after you’ve been sleeping with the same old (not very good!) partner for 14 years and you’ve convinced yourself that you will never be loved again, is mind blowing. Gone is the awkward, self-conscious doubt. Replaced by a glorious confidence which must stem from the fact that although this body does not look quite the same as it did at 26, it’s still pretty fantastic. After all it survived the birth of three kids, and more than 48 months of breast feeding. Once you have been pregnant, you know how to ask for what you want. You learned this during those months when you demanded hot peppers with your ice cream, foot rubs in the movies and all those pillows placed in perfect sequence to keep you and your baby, comfortable (for at least 11 continuous minutes).

Sex as a single mother is about getting what you want, when you want it. Frankly, you just don’t have the time to have it any other way. It is a deliberate act, a choice to do magical things for yourself. After years and years of putting yourself after your children and your husband, sex as a single mum suddenly, thankfully, becomes about you! You have to carve out those precious moments in between car pools and Christmas plays, and when you do, they are all for you. None of us single-mums-having-sex is thinking about the laundry when we get those moments. We are thinking, “I have earned this. I want this. I deserve this. I have cleaned toilets, read bedtime stories, washed dishes: I DESERVE THIS!”

The nice thing about being married for 14 years is that I knew exactly what I did not want in a sexual partner. I also knew that I had to speak up. It wasn’t my husband’s fault for being lousy in bed, it was mine because I never told him. I spent years of faking orgasms just so it would be over and I could get back to my book, or check on the kids. He thought he was a sexual god, I thought I was going to die of boredom. So now, the new liberated me has learned to speak up. At 41, I discovered “sexting”. Sending out those little messages in the middle of the day, or while walking the aisles at the supermarket made me feel like I was 20 again.

Two years into a relationship that I thought was going to be a . fling to “get me back in the saddle again” I am still learning things that I never even considered in my old life. I have learned to take time for myself and not to feel guilty about it. We live in different countries and we only see each other for a few days every six months. But when we do...well, someone should write a book about it, really. For the first time in a very long time, I feel in control of my life. I schedule those visits and I pay for them with money that I have earned. There is a very real freedom in that, and that freedom translates, for me, to the bedroom. And, honestly, I’m having the time of my life!

We know that it’s a different story for each mother going the parenting journey solo. For some it’s a breeze, while for others, well let’s say the wind has it’s way with them. We asked a few single mothers to give us their thoughts on sex in their city!

Sex is non-existent for me! My one and only focus is my daughter – financially, emotionally and physically. Plus, I don’t need a second child in my headspace – especially one who isn’t actually a child. Sex is overrated anyway. I’ve been celibate since my daughter’s conception, and that’s over three years ago. I like the simple life.

- Francine, mother of 2-year-old Solae

My husband and I separated when our son was 4 years old. Sexually, he was easily (and quickly) replaced by my toys very shortly after his departure. I was busy changing so many things in my life that I didn’t even focus on the fact that I was single. 3 years on from that, I’m starved for non-battery operated attention. I have an on-again, off-again man in my life but my challenge now is that sex for the sake of just sex, has lost its appeal for me; I want more. I’m a package deal now, and want someone who will fill my need for companionship and also for sexual satisfaction.

Monique, mother of 8-year-old Alex

As the mother of a postteenaged child, sex for me is an absolute necessity. I still have a need to protect my image in the eyes of my daughter. So sex for me, outside of an established relationship poses its own unique set of problems. I’m not presently in an exclusive relationship, but I do exercise my womanhood with a ‘friend-withbenefits’ who is okay in a non-committal relationship. One major challenge is that of the simple logistics of entertaining my after-dark friend without having to introduce him to my daughter. Another challenge is that it becomes necessary to contain my expressive nature during the act of sex, out of fear that my daughter will hear her ‘virtuous’ mother in the throes of passion. There are times when I wish my arrangement would progress into a serious relationship, but as I am non-negotiable on the fact that my daughter and I are a twofor-one deal, I wonder if that will limit the potential of me developing a genuine relationship.

Vicky, mother of 18-year-old Elizabeth