B3 Summer 2015

Trinidad & Tobago's Wendy Fitzwilliam is living life out loud and completely in love.

Dwayne Watkins Photography TeamDWP

Beyond

In 1998, Miss Trinidad and Tobago was declared the most beautifulwoman in the universe. She won the prestigious title that is bestowedeach year on a young woman who shows herself to be (among manythings) a perfect balance of beauty, intelligence and charm. The panelof esteemed judges that selects the winner chose that year to crownWendy Fitzwilliam; a tall and strikingly beautiful black woman from thetwin-island republic of Trinidad and Tobago. They selected a confidentand headstrong 26-year-old, who would later have an entire nation fallin love with her. They selected a strident young woman who would soonfind herself a colleague amongst the lawmakers of her home country andbeyond. But most improtantly, that year the judges selected an intensely passionate woman who would eventually become...

Ailan’s Mommy

By Michelle Gordon

Photography: Dwayne Watkins

Makeup and Styling: Angelie Spencer Wardrobe: drennaLUNA

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Theirs is a relationship that speaks volumes. By the time Ailan is ready to read Letters To Ailan (his mother’s first book), he would have already been familiar with, and completely understood its contents. Wendy and Ailan communicate in a manner that was virtually unheard of in a West Indian family just a generation ago. “What do you think of this, Ailan?” Wendy asks of her 9-year-old son. He looks up briefly from his iPad to tell his mom that he thinks her dress looks great. “That colour looks good on you, Mommy,” he manages to say before returning his attention to his tablet. “Ailan’s opinion is important, and he knows that without a doubt, because I genuinely value what he has to say,” Wendy explains. Against the background of a culture long known for raising children to be seen and not heard, Wendy proudly champions a new era of parenting that not only values the opinion of its children, but encourages their participation in day-to-day activities and decision-making.

If it is possible to be both confident and shy at the same time, then Ailan has that down pat. He looks to his mother for a sign of approval before proceeding to respond to my questions. His shyness seems to come from a place that is familiar to most children his age. I call it ‘the age of assurance’, when the twinkle in a mother’s eye is the safety net that a child needs. His quiet confidence then shines through as he handles his short interview with candour and wit.

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AILAN’S 3 WORDS TO DESCRIBE MOMMY WENDY: “Hmmm, only three? Let’s see,… My mommy is fun, exciting and loving. Yes, she’s very loving!” he replies with a smirk, knowing that he’s just made his mother’s heart smile.

AILAN ON MOMMY’S STYLE OF DISCIPLINE: “If I leave my stuff around, she’ll tell me to pick them up. But she doesn’t shout. She stays calm, and I love that about her. “

AILAN ON MISSING MOMMY: “Whenever she’s home, I always tell her about my day at school. She hears all the details. I tell her all the things I am doing and all the things that happen at school. I miss having her around to play when she has to go away for work. And when she’s gone we Skype a lot.”

AILAN ON WHAT MAKES HIS MOMMY SPECIAL: “My Mommy is the most exciting person I know. She does a lot of exciting things and she’s not afraid to let me try most of them as well. She allows me to do adventurous things that might scare some other mothers. Just like the other day, Mommy encouraged me to try skiing on the Diamond slopes, while she stayed on the Bunny slopes,” he laughs hysterically!

surprising. It is no accident that this 9-year-old boy cooks like a mini Master Chef, or cleans up dutifully around the house. It’s not happenstance that he opens doors for ladies or offers his seat to his Grams. It’s all a part of a mother’s intention to raise her son right by laying a foundation set in discipline, adventure, structure and love.

In 2009, when Letters to Ailan was originally published, Wendy was a new mother, not yet entirely comfortable in her skin as one solely responsible for another. Like many other women across the Caribbean, she was forced to come to terms with being a single mother while navigating the path of becoming the woman she dreamed of being.

Six years after penning her first book, Wendy Fitzwilliam unknowingly reminds me that wagging tongues are always eventually quieted. With the grace and poise of the queen that she is, Wendy stands tall (literally) and is doing exactly what she made up her mind to do 9 years ago – be the best mother to her son.

For those unfamiliar with this beauty’s story, Wendy’s pregnancy in 2008 for a Jamaican thenpolitician David Panton, became a topic of conversation in many circles; from the west coast of Negril, Jamaica to the most easterly coast of Charlotteville in Tobago. Wendy, Trinidad’s darling, had managed to excite, disappoint, encourage and enrage so many. But her mandate then, and now, was never about pleasing those around her. Her goal instead was to birth and raise a

Ailan is 9 years old, a fact that slipped me during our time together. He speaks of homework and chores as good things and was quick to correct me when I suggested that he might have been trying to ‘show off’ because his Mommy was close by. “No, I don’t do my homework for Mommy. I do it because if I don’t, I’ll get more work to do at school,” he wisely advises me. I reason with him and recognise pretty early on that his level of maturity far surpasses that of an average 9-yearold boy.

This mother-and-son team make a good pair; especially in the kitchen where Wendy, who detests raw meat, speaks proudly of her son who seasons and prepares the meat ahead of her cooking it. Ailan proudly chimes in “Yes, Mommy needs gloves! I chop and season and get my hands into everything! Mommy doesn’t like that part, but I do!” he beams. “We’re not big chicken eaters”, says Wendy, “but we love beef, lamb and all types of fish, and Ailan makes the best fish stew”. Ailan credits Gordon Ramsay of MasterChef, his Granny and his Mommy as his teachers in the kitchen.

Ailan’s ability to reason and rationalise is not

“

AS A PARENT, I WANT TO SET THE BEST EXAMPLE FOR AILAN,

BUT I DON’T

ALWAYS. ”

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healthy, well-rounded and highly functioning child. Her goal was and is, to chart a course for herself and her son that would see her shattering stereotypes; redefining the rules of engagement for her own life, even amidst the scrutiny of so many around her. Here she shares her heart….

agreed that we can’t tell our little boys not to cry all through their toddler and youth years, and then suddenly expect emotions to flow on-demand when they become adults. The responsibility to raise balanced, emotionally-stable men rests with the mothers of little boys who will one day have need to engage emotionally.

Wendy on co-parenting

Maintaining a high level of respect for your partner when a relationship does not work out romantically is often a challenge when co-parenting a child. And when you’re co-parenting bicoastally, it becomes even more challenging. “Ailan’s father David and I are beyond the difficult parts of any disrupted relationship. I am very comfortable with where we are and we remain resolute in protecting Ailan from all the elements that come with our adult lives. Ailan is very much aware of both of his parents; our strengths and our shortcomings. He’s a bright child, but more than that is the fact that I do not lie to him. You know with children, you don’t have to tell them everything…they figure things out for themselves.”

“As a parent, I want to set the best example for Ailan, but I don’t always. When that happens, I talk things through with him. First, I apologise to him, which in turn helps him to understand which behaviours are and are not socially acceptable. I find this has also taught Ailan when and how to apologise.”

We segued easily into the topic of men who for generations have had different degrees of difficulty in expressing emotion. We

Wendy on parenting success

“As single mothers, we work three times as hard to disprove society’s notion that we are failing our children because they are not a part of a nuclear family.

We work dogmatically everyday being mothers to our children and we still have to deal with our own wants and desires to be in a healthy relationship.”

Wendy is raising Ailan to be a wholesome and functional half of a healthy relationship. “I love being Ailan’s mother, and I love being in a healthy relationship too. But if it’s not healthy…in any relationship, once your sense of self and self-worth is compromised, or once you start to doubt yourself and your decisions… that’s not the right relationship for you. Now don’t get me wrong. I know that I am flawed. I am the product of a broken home. But that does not make me a broken person. I recognised very early on that though my father was not the best husband to my mother, he was the best father to my sister and me.” For Wendy, the idea that the two roles (i.e. being a good husband and being a good father) are inextricably linked, comes from a place of respect, and not a place of romance.

“

WE NEED TO PUT OUR BEST EFFORT INTO RAISING MEN AND WOMEN WE’D BE PROUD TO HAVE OUR OWN CHILDREN

MARRY IN THE LONG

RUN. ”

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And it is that mutual respect that Wendy has for David, and vice versa, that helps them achieve parenting success along the way.

What else makes for parenting success? “A happy child

who knows he is loved.” In Ailan’s life, happiness has many sources. He is blessed with a family that loves him immeasurably, and has no qualms in expressing that love. Hugs and kisses from Grandpa, Nana and Aunty Dee are an everyday part of life. With roots in Jamaica as well, Ailan maintains strong family connections with his brother Alex and other members of his father’s family. And if you leave the Caribbean and journey from New York to L.A. to Dubai, you’ll find friends who are family, who also comprise the large village

that plays a role in raising and loving Ailan. These are friends and family members across the globe who, regardless of their personal affiliation to either David or Wendy, look out for Ailan. Being able to look past any personal issues and see the bigger picture is a critical factor in raising any child who happens to be at the centre of non-traditional parenting practices. (And this doesn’t only apply to the mother and father.) Wendy chimes in laughing, “I am quite sure there were times in the past when David’s sister didn’t necessarily want to hang with me, but she lives in New York, which is a hub for me and my work, and once Ailan is traveling with me, Melanie (David’s sister) always makes it a point of duty to see her nephew. “

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“

NOW DON’T GET ME WRONG. I KNOW THAT I AM FLAWED.

I AM THE PRODUCT OF A BROK EN HOME. BUT THAT DOES

NOT MAKE ME A BROKEN

PERSON.”

Wendy on building foundations

Ailan is learning from a very early age that navigating

relationships takes effort, love and patience – a good foundation to have. We further analyse our roles as mothers and look at the tools we have available to us to help mitigate our sons becoming dysfunctional. “I believe that we have to get to a place where fathers too accept and engage their role as nurturer and not just as provider. Children learn best from the examples they see, we all know this. It’s how you relate to them, to their mother…. all these things form a part of their belief system and core values. It would be unreasonable of any parent to think

that we can drink and smoke and party and carouse, and then expect our child not to do the same. They will love us, no doubt, but chances are high that they will repeat what we do.”

“For me, I am extremely impatient; I have terrible OCD and, sadly, I flip out every once in a while. I have the ability to ‘dress down’ and emasculate, and though I am ashamed to say I have done so, I have also taken the steps to repair that action by firstly apologising to Ailan and letting him know that what I did was not acceptable. I talk to Ailan a lot, so he understands for the most part the reasons behind my actions. When I am wrong, I don’t try to justify what I

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did, but I do try to explain the why’s behind what I may have done. I don’t like the word ‘NO’, so I find that explaining the why or what or who in a situation often instigates riveting conversations that would otherwise never have happened.”

I love the honesty and candidness of this young woman, whose religious upbringing is shrouded in modesty and simplicity. Wendy is real, and being real for her is bolstered, not hindered, by her faith.

Wendy on Ailan’s Dad

“David as daddy to Ailan is outstanding”, Wendy continues. “He tries to be always present as a parent; if not physically, then emotionally and mentally. He is keenly aware of his responsibility as a father, and visits Ailan at least once per month. Every month. These are visits that Ailan looks

forward to, and these are also visits that he needs. And in between visits, their conversations are countless. Ailan loves the sound of his father’s voice – ever since he was in-utero, David’s voice excited him. Their bond is a special one that is rooted in love.”

Wendy on mothering

“I am so determined NOT to be the typical West Indian mother who becomes the monster-mother-in-law, parenting and protecting her son well into the afterlife.” Wendy laughs a deep and almost serious laugh, if there were ever such a thing.

“I should not be mothering Ailan now at 9 the same way I did when he was 9-monthsold. And I certainly cannot mother him at 19 in the way that I mother him today. I think typically, as mothers in the Caribbean,

we have done an amazing job with our girls; for the most part, they are self-sufficient and confident. But I believe that we have failed our boys. We have stunted them emotionally, while encouraging them physically and professionally. The same rules that apply to girls who must clean up their rooms, wash up after themselves and cry when it hurts; these rules must also apply to our boys.”

Wendy on being a daughter

“I think my Daddy set me up”, Wendy laughs as she recounts her relationship with her father. “My father treated my sister Dee and me as though we were princesses. There was and still is nothing that my father wouldn’t do for us. He set the benchmark so incredibly high while being there for us as father and friend. My father told me that I could be anything I wanted to be; whether I chose to be an astronaut or a

fashionable lawyer was up to no one but me. And as naughty as my Daddy was in his relationship with my mother, he taught me to be self-sufficient and told me not to put up with ‘foolishness’ from any man.” Clearly a dichotomy of sorts in our region, where the antagonist of potentially hurtful behaviour in a relationship is also the protector of a daughter or sibling on the receiving end of similar behaviour.

Wendy on something to believe in

I asked, “How do we as mothers fix this?”

“Ultimately, we’re raising the husbands and wives of tomorrow. So we need to put our best effort into raising men and women

we’d be proud to have our own children marry in the long run. Don’t get me wrong, life is not perfect, but both my mother and my father did an amazing job in grounding

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my sister and me. We’re respectful and truthful and our faith in God is unshakeable. There was a time when I was younger when I used to hide my faith, because it wasn’t ‘cool’. But as I grew and my experiences changed, I developed a true relationship with God. I talk to Him and turn to

Him first; not just when I need help, but regularly, as in everyday. We talk. And there I find peace and solace, especially in difficult periods in my life. This is something that I cherish and I impart to my son, because a relationship with God, based on faith – is everything!

Wendy on love lessons

“I take my cues from Ailan, and from God. There is no handbook on parenting, but I do know that my son knows love. We have many amazing examples of love in our lives in so many different forms.” Wendy speaks of having friends who provide Ailan with the reality of what healthy relationships and healthy marriages should look like. She speaks of both her male and female friends from different spheres of life who demonstrate love in their relationships, whether platonic or not; heterosexual or homosexual. These are friends who, by virtue of the circumstances in their lives, all show how to love. Love is a verb, and Ailan has seen the power of love unite people, even within the context of his own family – with Wendy’s parents who, though no longer together, have united in love as they share in the responsibility of caring for their grandson.

“I also have a lot of friends who are gay, and Ailan has questioned that lifestyle. Though I don’t over-share, I am very honest with my son. I firmly believe that because I do have friends who are gay – amazing human beings – I have a responsibility to Ailan to ensure that he is able to understand and rationalise what that means. One friend in particular – an amazing friend to me, and an amazing example of a man (who just happens to be gay) – has really helped me to recognise that the true mettle of a man lies in his ability to connect with and relate to people from a place of love. Your sexuality is only one aspect of who you are, and it certainly does not define you. It doesn’t make you less of or more of a human being.”

“

MY MEASURE OF SUCCESS IS

EACH AND EVERY DAY THAT AILAN AND I ARE BOTH HEALTHY AND

HAPPY. ”

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Wendy on dating again

“I have dated, but I have not dated anyone seriously enough to consider introducing him to Ailan in that regard. I am extremely careful because I am aware of the effects that my dating can have on my son. I won’t introduce a boyfriend to Ailan unless it’s very serious. Again, this all comes down to what we as parents want to emulate. I don’t think Ailan needs to see his mother going through the highs and ‘lust’ phase of a new relationship, to then have it end in heartbreak. While

there are no guarantees, this is a decision I have made to protect my child from something he doesn’t need to see. When I am comfortable and confident of longevity in a relationship, then I will think about that next phase of introducing Ailan. I absolutely want a steady and long-term relationship for me, and I hope that when that does happen, Ailan will understand the basis of the decisions I make today. When he is older, fine. But at this stage of his life, no – that exposure is unnecessary.”

Wendy on more children

“I am in my 40’s, a time I call ‘The Wonder Years’. You’re so much surer of yourself when you’re in your 40’s than at any other time in your life. I no longer put pressure on myself for more children. I am honestly in love with my life as it is, and though I would want a partner for

me, he has to be the right fit for me and for Ailan. If it happens then it happens, and I’d be fine with that. If not, that’s fine too.”

What’s next for Wendy?

“I am greedy professionally. (Laughs). I want it all. I went to law school and I have pursued my passion for the arts. But when I worked with the State, I loved and hated it with equal measure. I now know that I will never be happy in entertainment alone, nor will I be happy only in a professional corporate setting. I continue to do both and I have no desire to return to either environment only. My work as a consultant is global (Wendy is currently consulting in Tanzania) and it gives me the freedom to work on projects that I thoroughly enjoy, to set personal and professional objectives, and also to be super-mom at the same time!”

From the outside looking in I see Wendy happy and secure in the now of her life. And from the inside looking out, Wendy continues to march to the beat of her own drum. For a fleeting moment I recall the words of Machel Montano’s “Happiest Man Alive” where he starts out saying that “happiness is the measure of success”. I compliment Wendy on being steadfast as she checks the marks on her ladder of success.

“I do not have a measure of success in terms of dollars. Money for me is a means to an end; it’s more about what the money can do, than about what I can do to make the money. My goals are about what I can do with and for my son while I enjoy living my life. My measure of success is each and every day that Ailan and I are both healthy and happy.”

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