3 minute read
Old Guys Google MD’s
By Jim Drummond
This week one of the fellows wandered into the old guy waterhole with a wide grin. Just last week he was wearing a grimace and complaining about a sharp pain right under his belt buckle. Someone observed, “You look carefree today. Did you find a nickle on the sidewalk?” Doc said that I won’t have to go under the knife. “
Another gent asked, “What made you believe that you needed an operation?” The cheerful fellow responded, “When I developed a pain in my south 40, I Googled ‘pain in an old guys mid section.’ As I did my Google research, it became apparent that I had serious innards problems. According to Google, I would need major surgery. Google said that even if I survived the operation, I would never be able to swing a golf club or eat in a Mexican restaurant again. I became so worried that I couldn’t sleep. I finally went to Doc to schedule the procedure. He told me that I don’t need one.”
A fellow at the end of the table queried, “What did Doc recommend?” is too tight. He suggested that I buy a larger one and the problem would disappear. I felt foolish after doing hours of homework on Google.” Someone else commented, “I use Google all the time for health questions. I started losing some hair and asked Google what causes hair loss. Google said that balding on the cranium can be caused by genetics, or improper nutrition, or a life threatening skin disorder.
Jim Drummond is a retired banker and Bozeman native.
I followed some of the Google links and found a website that was quite helpful. The researcher who published the site concluded that almost all fruits and vegetables can cause a receding hairline. The website specifically demonized kale salads with blueberries as a leading cause of male balding. That, and low fat yogurt.” Someone asked, “What did the Google link suggest to replace fruits and vegetables?” The first fellow responded, “It advised a diet rich in tortilla chips, muffins, and anything with frosting. Lately I’ve been eating more nacho’s, doughnuts and cinnamon rolls. I’m positive that my hair is beginning to grow again.” One of the older fellows commented, “When I had my gall bladder attack last year I went to Google to find out what I should do. One of the links was an excellent video about gall bladder surgery. The video had simple step by step instructions to remove your own gall bladder at home. I organized a couple of mirrors and my shop light and started in. Everything was going quite well, then right before the end of the video I lost my internet.” Somebody asked, “So what did you do?” The fellow responded, “I wasn’t sure if I was done yet, so I called Doc to come over and finish up. Then he stayed and drank all my beer.”
Someone else asked, “What did you do for the pain?” The in-home medico responded, “I followed the Google instructions and bit down on a stick.”
An older fellow partway down the table admonished,”You have to be very specific when you pose a health question to Google. A couple of years ago, right after the debates, my wife told me that my eyes appeared glazed. I asked Google what to do with a glazed eye. The answer was ‘pop it out and let it soak in vinegar overnight.’ I rechecked my Google search. It had autocorrected ‘glazed’ eye to ‘glass’ eye. That caused a few moments of considerable anxiety.” One of our friends part way down the table worriedly said, “I can feel a big bump on my elbow. I should probably Google unusual elbow bumps to find out if it’s something serious.”
Someone grabbed the gents arm, twisted it to get a good look, then frowned with concern.
Looking up from the elbow in question, the old guy said to the group, “Would one of you do a Google search to determine the health hazards of a sticky squashed raisin?”
