6 / September 2020 PRIME
Old Guy Derrieres By Jim Drummond
O
ne of the fellows at the old guy waterhole had a sheepish look as he sat down to join the group this week. Somebody finally asked, “Why the embarrassed expression today?” The old fellow stirred his drink and paused for a while. “My pants fell down to my ankles this morning,” he slowly responded. “Are you losing weight,” somebody asked. “No,” he answered, “In fact I am gaining weight.” Another in the group chuckled and asked, “Anybody see you?” “That’s the problem,” the first fellow answered. “I was in the front yard and bent over to pull a dandelion, then my pants dropped to my shoes. I looked behind me as I hitched them up and saw the widow across the street watching. Now she’s telling anyone who will listen that I mooned her.” “That’s tough luck,” said a fellow at the end of the table. “I know who she is. She associates with a crowd of people who enjoy a good
mooning story.” Our friend visibly cringed at that remark. Another member of the group sympathized with the first old guy. “That happened to me last week,” the sympathizer said. “I was crossing the parking lot to come to the waterhole and saw a quarter on the pavement. As I bent over to pick it up, my pants slid right down my legs. Luckily, I made a quick grab and hiked them up before they hit knee level. It seems as if that’s happening more often lately. A quarter probably isn’t worth the risk.” One of the older members of the group chimed in. “A few years ago, my pants started falling down,” the man said. “I couldn’t figure out why that was happening. I bought different size pants, and tightened up my belt, and pulled my trousers up to my ribs, but they would still slip down as I mowed the lawn, or took a walk, or strolled into a restaurant. It was really embarrassing when I was carrying a box of groceries with both hands and lost my pants in the store parking lot. I needed a third hand to
hold them up. I finally asked my doctor if it is normal for a man’s pants to constantly fall off. Doc said it is typical for old guys to lose our gluteus maximus as we mature. He said that men lose 5 percent muscle mass each year after age 35. Statistically, by the time a man retires he won’t have a rump to hold up his knickers.”
“I bought some suspenders,” was the reply. There was a long period of silence at the waterhole as each of us contemplated our rear end. Somebody finally interrupted the quiet.
“My wife seems a bit envious that my behind is getting smaller,” came the commentary. “She also comments that my middle Several in the group appears to be getting bigger. visibly paled. One member She’s concluded that any looked ill. padding I had south of my belt is being forced northward “Did Doc say if you could and over my belt due to all do anything about it,” the sitting I’m doing at the somebody finally asked. waterhole. She’s convinced The old fellow nodded. that my hindquarters would “He gave me several options,” get back to normal if I would the old fellow said. “Doc said I stand at the waterhole and not could do squatting or sit down.” lunging exercises at Somebody steered the the gym, or ride a conversation back to bicycle to the the oldest member of waterhole, the group. or wear “You said that you suspenders.” wear suspenders so “What did you that your pants don’t decide to do,” fall off, but you aren’t someone from wearing suspenders the group today,” the group asked. member queried.
