JUSTgrief

When I started the grief series for Her Voice in the Fall of 2023, it wasn’t a series. I was scheduled to write an article on women who had lost children called “Fueled by Grief.” The article was about four women in our community who had this common denominator and took that grief and did something positive with it to help others. At that time, I knew one of the three women I would be interviewing. I was the fourth.

What happened was unexpected. When I started my interviews with each of these women, planning to meet up and talk for 30 minutes to an hour, I found that through our shared pain, we each laughed and cried together, one hour leaning more toward two… following their journey as they shared their pain and it broke me — and also strengthened me. Does that make sense?

By the time I finished that second interview and heard Carolyn White’s story, I left that meeting feeling impassioned and strongly felt that this article — no, this topic — was bigger than I had anticipated. I called DeLynn, Her Voice Editor, as I drove home from that coffee shop meeting and told her I had a crazy idea but to hear me out. What if this was a series? Grief comes in many forms and there are many other ways to look at loss. Yes, this article on the loss of a child was one I hoped would help others who have experienced such a loss as well as those who love them, but there was also loss of a spouse, loss of a sibling, the list could go on.

I asked DeLynn to consider it and she didn’t have to. Before I hung up the phone, I was given the go-ahead to plan a grief article per issue over the next year. And that is what I did. The loss of a child “Fueled By Grief” was followed by the loss of a spouse, “The Motions of Grief” and then this summer was “Loss of a Sibling.”

In review, “Loss of a Sibling” was the hardest to write. I was asking these now adults to share what it was like to lose a sibling and deal with their grief amid their parents’ great grief as well. I wanted them to be real and raw but at the same time didn’t want to hurt the family members who did not know how deep this child’s pain on their own was.

In all the articles, the mission was simple — hoping someone would read the article and be helped knowing they are not alone. Many people within our community have suffered great losses in absolutely horrific ways. And, they are here, years later, living their lives having overcome the all-encompassing pain of those early days, months and yes, even years. In every person I interviewed through this series, they all ended by telling me what advice they would give someone else going through something similar. My hope being this advice, these keys to closed doors, if you will, would let others know that you will breathe again; you will find joy again and it’s OK to take your time.

Does moving on mean forgetting? Does this moving on mean you no longer grieve? Absolutely not. Speaking for myself, grief for me is with me every day. Some days it’s a passing thought, and some days it is a memory that leaves a lump in my throat and tears in my eyes. Some days it’s a long, good cry. It fuels me to want to live more fully. It makes me say ‘yes’ to new adventures; it sure has left me with a reminder there is no guarantee of tomorrow. We need to treasure what we have and whom we have every day and not live with regrets or missed opportunities.

Sheila DeChantal is an event coordinator, freelance writer, lover of friends, family, community, creating fun local events, adventures, books and coffee. She is the Friends of The Brainerd Public Library president and the vice president of Camp Benedict.

In 2015, when my husband Al and I lost Justin, our son, in a car accident, I remember Al telling me in those early weeks how astounded he was as people in our lives shared stories of their own losses of siblings, a parent, horrible accidents. I told him then that someday there would be people in our lives who did not know our story either. I said, ‘It’s not like we will wear T-shirts that say we lost a son.’

You get it. As time goes on new people will come into your life and unless you share that part of you, they would not know. And isn’t that just it? Some people know part of your story and some may know all. Some may know nothing and that’s OK, too. We all carry something. The grief series certainly could have gone on and on. There are so many people around us that have their own grief story whether you know about it or not.

I leave you with this. I believe there is no timeline for grief. Grief and its intensity pulls in many factors — your relationship with the person you lost, your history with losses, your background and more. It’s an individual experience and different for everyone. Be kind to yourself and allow yourself the space you need to grieve. No one and no book can tell you how to do it.

In a world that can be hard and harsh all on its own, remember we do not always know what others carry. We all carry something. Choose your words and actions kindly.