Late Laughs

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

America made it to the end of another week, so TGIF! Which, of course, now stands for “This government is fascist.” I’m kidding, it really stands for “Tell God I’m furious.”

Why would anyone destroy a medical station? After all, America loves putting BandAids on deep-seeded racial problems.

Clear identification is how we hold law enforcement accountable, just like the waiters at Chili’s! I’m not eating a Triple Dipper from just anybody in a red polo shirt, I need to know his name is Chad!

The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

Eighty percent of voters feel that our country is out of control. Even crazier, 15% think that things are under control. When the Titanic was going down, these were the people trying to get a drink at the bar.

Mitt Romney marched with Black Lives Matter protesters. That’s like seeing the Wu Tang Clan show up at a Kenny G concert.

New York started Phase 1 of its reopening. Phase 2 is restaurants and bars. Then, after everyone packs restaurants and bars, Phase 3 is another three months of quarantine.

The long-running TV show “Cops” has just been canceled. So now if you want to watch a bunch of drunk people embarrass themselves, you’ll have to watch “The Bachelor.” Or “Real Housewives.” Or “Below Deck.”

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Thank you for joining me via the original form of social distancing — television.

There are now 1.7 miles of protective fencing around

Late Night With Seth Meyers

Trump asked Stephen Miller to write a speech for him about race relations. Stephen Miller? The guy behind the Muslim ban and putting kids in cages? You might as well ask Melania to write you a love letter.