Late Laughs

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

Right now America is basically a petri dish on the floor of a bus station men’s room.

How you guys doing tonight? I can’t hear you because I’m alone. So alone.

Health professionals were especially concerned because Trump would appear to be part of the cohort most at risk, as he has a common heart disease — he doesn’t have one.

This is how it always happens! [Donald Trump] retweets someone saying he should fire somebody — then his staff denies it, then he fires the person anyways and replaces them with the first guest he sees on Fox News. So get ready for the new director of Allergies and Infectious Disease, Kidd Rock!

The Tonight Show Starring

Jimmy Fallon

There’s a surge of coronavirus cases in Florida. The virus spent the winter in New York; now it’s spending the summer in Florida. It’s basically the opposite of my grandma.

The bad news is you can’t go to Europe. Good news is your friend can’t come back from Spain being like, “It’s pronounced ‘Barthelona.’”

No trips to Europe and no marathon? Your annoying friend from Instagram is going to have a full-on panic attack.

The Late Late Show with James Corden

Trump’s poor rally attendance may have been the result of the most powerful political forces in the world banding together. I am of course talking about K-Pop stans with TikTok accounts.

I’ve been waiting for four years to find some common ground with Trump voters. I just never thought that ground would be a dance floor.

Obviously the greatest scandal of our times is when Popeye’s ran out of chicken sandwiches.

“Mr. Blue Sky” by ELO is the happiest song ever recorded. It beat out the second happiest song of all time — any song that immediately follows “Baby Shark.”