Late Laughs

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

That’s right, we have the “Super Duper Missile.” Of course, our enemies might soon develop a “Double Super Cool Missile.” Then we’d have to counter with our “Awesome Times Infinity Missile,” which you would think is unbeatable, unless the Russians finally achieve “Awesome Times Infinity Plus One” technology.

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People across the country are finding creative ways to maintain social distancing while reopening the country. Like this Detroit priest, who was spraying holy water from a squirt gun — it makes church fun! Let’s keep the holy water squirt guns, and while we’re at it, log flume baptisms!

The Tonight Show Starring

Jimmy Fallon

Heinz released a new ketchup puzzle. Meanwhile, Huntz released the exact same ketchup puzzle, but for some reason, not quite as good.

NorthernEyeCenter.com

Brainerd•Little Falls •Staples

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NorthernEyeCenter.com

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I read about a new line of nail polish that smells like taco, pizza and cheese puffs. Meanwhile, Americans were like, “We’ve been quarantined for three months, our fingers already smell like tacos, pizza and cheese puffs.”

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Remember that drug [Trump] had high hopes for? And then they did some studies and found that it did not help COVID patients, and it, in fact, made them more likely to die? Well, yesterday Donald Trump announced that he’s taking it! He’s heard a lot of good stories. He got a checkup from Dr. Seuss and heard a lot of good stories.

I want to address something that I believe might be the cardinal sin of quarantine. The random, unannounced dropby. A friend calls you and says, “Hey, I’m pulling up in front of your house. Come outside and say hello.” And then what are you gonna do? You’re trapped. They know you’re in there. They know you’re not doing anything. There’s no getting away.

Late Night With Seth Meyers

“Bachelorette” star Hannah Brown has apologized after she said the N-word during an Instagram Live stream this weekend while singing along to a song. Even worse, the song was “Happy Birthday.”

An ice cream shop in Hong Kong is offering a so-called “Tear Gas” flavor, inspired by last year’s pro-democracy protests. Or, if you really want your kids to cry, get ‘em Rum Raisin.

Joe Biden is like your friend who wants to watch your favorite TV show with you but didn’t see the first season. “What, he’s making meth? I thought he was a high school teacher!”