Late Laughs

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

[Derek Chauvin] was charged with third-degree murder. That’s a pretty light charge. That’s like persecuting Jeffrey Dahmer for a case of the munchies! “We find the defendant … hangry.”

That is the worst review of a religious event since my middle school’s production of “Godspell.” I forgot my lines and improvised. That night, Jesus knew kung fu.

The only thing Americans agree on this much is pumpable cheese, which is only slightly less toxic than systemic racism.

The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

At this point, Trump should just go for 100% disapproval and then take credit for uniting the country.

You know we live in crazy times when we’re all agreeing with the guy who once said that gay people cause hurricanes.

[General Mattis] looks like every Scooby-Doo villain who just had his mask yanked off.

Hackers have stolen thousands of Disney+ customers’ information. I don’t know what’s worse: that hackers have my account info or that they know I watched Beverly Hills Chihuahua three times on Monday.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

[Donald Trump] was whisked into a panic bunker on Friday as the crowds assembled outside the White House. It took three and a half years, but he finally got that massive crowd to show up for him in D.C.

Late Night With Seth Meyers

According to a new poll, 79% of Americans don’t feel safe traveling by subway amid the coronavirus pandemic. Whereas, under normal circumstances, that number is more like 79%.

New York’s Metropolitan Opera announced yesterday that it had canceled its fall season due to the coronavirus pandemic but remains hopeful it will be able to hold a New Year’s Eve performance. Officials say they want to end the year on a high note, followed by a low note, followed by a really high note and then a low one again.

President Trump claimed on Twitter yesterday that his administration had “done more for the black community than any president since Abraham Lincoln.” Are you serious? That’s like Godzilla saying he’s done a lot for the Japanese community.

President Trump is reportedly planning to visit Mount Rushmore next month. And, this is concerning, he’s bringing blueprints and a jackhammer.