Anxious, Confused, and Conflicted: Inner Dialogue of a Queer Southeast Asian American

Anxious, Confused, and Conflicted: Inner Dialogue of a Queer Southeast Asian American

WORDS BY ANONYMOUS

You’re probably wondering what my pronouns are and/or what I identify as, and to tell you the truth, I honestly don’t know/don’t care. I have been/am still going through a gender identity exploration.

I am a queer Southeast Asian American who grew up in an immigrant family. My identity is so vastly different from most of my peers, whose identities align more closely with the dominant culture. There is so much I want to talk about, though I don’t want this to turn into a mini-memoir. Here are the anxiety-inducing dilemmas that come from my intersecting identities as a gender-nonconforming Southeast Asian American.

My physical appearance is very ambiguous in the sense that my gender identity isn’t always apparent at first. I have a petite body frame with slight muscular definition and a round face with no predominant features, besides maybe my nose and protruding brow bone. I prefer a more feminine appearance, so I’m not a fan of body or facial hair on myself and I go through great lengths to keep my skin smooth. My hair is long and always straightened or curled and my theory is that the bigger or fuller one’s hair is, the smaller everything else looks in comparison. On days I’m wearing makeup and a dress, I usually pass as female (that is, until I begin to speak). On other days, my masculine features are more prominent and I (more or less) pass as male.

I used to tell people my preferred pronouns were he/ him/his. I use the term “preferred” loosely, because even back then I wasn’t too sure about how comfortable I was with it. During my senior year of college, I had a variety of pronouns assumed for me: feminine, masculine, and they/them/theirs pronouns. The people who knew me used masculine pronouns, but strangers who didn’t know me would use feminine pronouns. I cannot deny that I felt complimented when people assumed feminine pronouns because it meant that the feminine qualities I was trying to achieve for myself were being communicated: soft, petite, and delicate. I could start using they/them/theirs pronouns, however, I have become less focused on what my pronouns are and more focused on looking and living the way I please and being respected as a human being.

Early on in my life, I decided that once I was on my own I was going to do what made me happy, even at the risk of being shunned by family, friends, and strangers. At home, I felt held back from exploring anything in life. In the seventh grade, I decided I would just stick it out until college when I’ll be more financially independent and living under a different roof. Up until college, the only clothes I would wear were jeans and a t-shirt, because they were gender-ambiguous clothes that I could sort of feel comfortable in. Looking back at my senior pictures for high school makes me uncomfortable because what I wore is far from my style and aesthetic today. I didn’t do any sports or activities that were associated with being male or female growing up; I was a homebody. If I wasn’t doing homework, I would be playing games on my Gameboy, Nintendo DS, and Playstation 2, watching anime, or surfing the internet viewing runway shows. My life leading up to young adulthood was just to waste time until I could have more independence with in my life.

When I began college, I was surrounded by new faces and could really explore how I wanted to express myself without the fear of reprisal from my family, teachers, and peers from high school. I started off by incorporating feminine garments and accessories into my masculine wardrobe. It eventually led into a wardrobe full of dresses and stilettos by senior year. As time went on, I learned to disconnect gender from material objects, occupations, hobbies, everything and anything typically used to identify a person’s gender.

Although I have a wonderful support system composed of people who push me to be myself and accept me for who I am, there are still inevitable, stressful situations I have to deal with on the daily. Instances of being misgendered make me feel incredibly self-conscious. My first encounter with it was when I was stopped from using the men’s bathroom. Although the stranger did a double take and eventually let me be, the interaction created a great deal of stress and anxiety. From that point on, I became very cautious about which bathroom to use.

Most people have never had to think about which bathroom to use because they know their identity and appearance matches the gender of the bathroom they are using. I use gender-neutral bathrooms whenever they are available, but when there are none, I start to internally panic. I don’t want to make anyone feel uncomfortable or get assaulted for using the “wrong” bathroom. My body starts to sweat heavily and I have to make a decision on how badly I need to go or if I can wait until I get home. I get really hot and my heartbeat rapidly increases. What usually ends up happening is I use my hair to conceal parts of my face and use the women’s restroom.

I believe that whatever someone’s biological sex may be and whatever someone’s gender identity may be, it doesn’t concern anybody else but them. The same should apply when they use the bathroom. Gender-neutral bathrooms are an all-around safe and inclusive space. I don’t understand why there aren’t more single bathrooms because they save you so much stress, anxiety, and embarrassment no matter what gender you identify with.

Another major source of my anxiety comes from my family. I can only speak English, while my parents speak a combination of Lao and broken English. I have never had a deep, meaningful conversation with them because I can never find the words necessary to communicate what I’m thinking or feeling. I can’t have a discussion with them about gender identity, the person I am, or the person I want to become.

Gender identity is a concept that my parents have never thought about because their whole life has been about surviving and making a better life for their family. They came to America post-Vietnam War in 1979 and 1980 as refugees from Laos, with not much else but themselves. They didn’t know much or any English when they first settled, but they learned how to get by and build a new life for their family. I deeply respect what they’ve gone through and am grateful for everything they’ve done for me, but they lean more towards a traditional Lao lifestyle while I lean more towards a more progressive one.

It’s difficult to speak to my parents when we have a linguistic barrier, as well as different views and beliefs. They’re very stubborn people who don’t like to listen to what anyone else has to say, myself included. I don’t know how they feel when I’m out in public with them. I don’t know if they want to be seen with me in public or around their friends. I don’t know their overall feelings or thoughts about me, which gives me great anxiety when I’m around them. No one wants to disappoint their parents, but my happiness and my future is up to me to decide. I have prepared myself in case they don’t want to be in my future.

One thing I know for sure is that I love myself and am proud to be who I am. Having received so much positivity and support from friends and people I don’t even know gives me the strength to continue being myself. I’m going to continue working on my relationship with my family, but there is always the possibility I may end up losing the people I love the most. My hope is that I can inspire others in a similar position to find the strength in themselves to be who they are without fear of judgment. It might take some time, but life does get better. �