Tab Hunter, Rock Hudson and Reginald Picraccio

Brian Sturdevant woke up one morning and asked himself how he ever got the name Brian Sturdevant Brian was head of the CIA, and many people knew of him and his name But Brian was a character in a movie thriller about spies, espionage, menage a trois and such.

He was being played in t h e m o v i e b y R e g i n a l d Picraccio, who also wond e r e d h o w h e g o t h i s n a m e R e g i n a l d w a s a movie star whose original n a m e w a s J o h n S m i t h B u t o n c e h e b e c a m e a solid bit player in minor m o v i e s w i t h t w o - l i n e parts, the studio decided that it wanted to make him a star He had long flowing blonde hair, an elegant mustache, and big biceps The studio head decided to put his money on John but didn’t fully engage with his original name He sat around one day with his number three person who specialized in creating names for movie stars

Studio Head: So what the heck do we call John? We can’t let someone named John Smith star in a movie It’s too common and unoriginal

Name Expert: I agree. We need something original and memorable We want people talking about this great new star every time they leave a movie theater or turn their Netflix off What’s your plan for his first starring movie?

SH: We’ve got a great script from Sidney Lumet about a retired plumber who witnesses a murder The plumber is a mole working at the home of a nuclear physicist who decides to destroy Lower Mongolia in the interests of peace and harmony The plumber is an expert at juggling pipes and uses this skill to decipher the formula of the nuclear weapon the physicist is inventing in his basement. It’s just the part for John Smith

NE: Wait a second Isn’t Sidney Lumet dead?

SH: Son of a gun, that’s right Then it must be from someone who took Sidney Lumet’s name and took it as his own to get to the front of the line in sending movie scripts to the studios

NE: Here’s an idea Why don’t we preempt this new Sidney Lumet and use that name for John?

SH: No good Sidney Lumet’s name is widely known He was a great director No one would believe he rose from the dead to become a movie star

NE: Guess you’re right. Well what about “Tab?” That hasn’t been used in a long time None of the current generations will ever remember Tab Hunter How about Tab Schwartz?

SH: Look, if I’m old enough to remember Tab Hunter, then a lot of other people will also No point taking a chance

NE: Then what about “Rock”? We could name him Rock Starr It’s got a contemporary sound The kids will love it

SH: Listen, pal, how long have you been working here? One day? Rock Hudson was a famous movie star and his movies are now on the Old Folks channel. Let’s forget the standard Hollywood names and go for something different I’ve got scripts coming up for John that call for him to play European characters Let’s go for a foreign sounding name

NE: Great Let me look in my naming book Here are a few Polish names Vladimir Pokareski, Porky Sadkowski and Adolf Hitler

SH: Hitler, Hitler That name really sounds familiar

See HUNTER, HUDSON AND PICRACCIO, page 21

Second-place Team Spartan Stix won $13,915 at the 11th annual “Ding” Darling & Doc Ford's Tarpon Tournament on May 19.