WEATHERING THE STORM

The turbulence of the past year has proved a huge test for many couples in the midst of planning their weddings. Here’s how to keep your relationship strong through the stormiest of waters

words Hannah May

All you need is love, right? Well, not exactly. Though it is the most beautiful, bindingly human of all emotions, under certain circumstances, it takes something more to see us through.

The pandemic of the past year-and-a-half has affected us all. For some, it has seen seismic life changes; for others, a small shift in routine. For couples on their wedding planning journey, it has presented one of the most testing times of their entire relationship, with many being forced to tweak, postpone, re-plan, or even cancel their day.

As well as the obvious financial costs and huge expenditures of time, there have been much greater personal expenses, as couples have had to cope with the emotional and psychological impact that these enforced, stress-inducing and disappointing decisions have incurred.

We’ve spoken to some remarkable couples who share their stories of heartache and frustration while enlisting some expert advice to discover how they successfully navigated the stormiest of waters to emerge stronger, wiser and more in love than ever before...

When things fall apart

“James and I have booked our wedding for the fourth time,” reveals Camille. “Our first and original date was last year in July, however my mum passed away very suddenly in the February. I couldn’t go through with the wedding so soon without her.”

Sadly, their original venue reacted unsympathetically to their proposed postponement and they felt compelled to cancel it entirely, suffering a substantial financial dent. Opting for a smaller celebration to allow her to simultaneously mourn the loss of her mum, Camille’s next two wedding dates were also dashed due to Covid restrictions.

“I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve redone the order of service and table plans to be socially distanced, and invited or uninvited people,” she sighs. “I’ve had no hen do and there is no stag do, even though both were planned and then cancelled. And I’ve given notice again as the first one expired.”

She candidly discusses the emotional burden of the past year: a strange melding of melancholy, loss, hope and anxiety. “I’ve had many meltdowns, partly because of having to deal with organising a wedding without my mum,” she says. “I’m still grieving the loss of her and I’m so anxious about how the day will pan out without her.”

Another bride-to-be hoping that her fourth wedding date will come to fruition is Morwenna. “We were originally due to get married on 15th October 2020 and it broke our hearts when the first date was officially off the cards,” she confesses. “It was a rollercoaster from start to finish; we would rather have been told outright in the summer that things wouldn’t be changing, With desperation mounting, Morwenna’s perspective started to alter as she lost sight of her original vision. “The delays forced us into a spring wedding date in March, and then an early summer date in May, neither of which we truly wanted (as autumn is my favourite time of the year). We considered dropping to 30 guests and continuing in May to ‘get it out of the way’ before realising what we were saying and that we wouldn’t be able to celebrate properly with family if we did that,” she says.

Because of the protracted delays, Morwenna has continually paused and reassessed her plans, so that even though she still wants to get married, there are now other factors in play. “For us, getting married isn’t urgent; we’ve been together for six years and the commitment to one another is strong already. The ceremony is purely a celebration of our love, a snapshot in time to look back on where we are surrounded by our loved ones basking in that same love and happiness,” she expounds. “The urgency is now stemming from the losses that we’ve all suffered this year. My partner’s family have lost two members during the pandemic, and we’ve had another two close relatives heartbreakingly decline the invitation on health grounds.”

It’s a tale told many times over by couples who, rather than approaching their first-year anniversary, are still waiting in the wings. “My fiancé Tom and I postponed our wedding from March to May 2021 back in November 2020 and did feel more hopeful,” admits Jemma. “But we both knew in our hearts that this [small wedding] wasn’t what we wanted, that we were compromising on what we had planned to be an incredible day. But we didn’t want to disappoint each other, or let weddings take over our life! Weddings were all I could think about for weeks and my head felt ready to implode!” she says.

“On the day the news announced our wedding in May could proceed, we weren’t jumping for joy like we should have been. We sat down again and discussed our options. It wasn’t about having a huge party or not having to wear masks – it was about being able to share our love for each other in front of our family. The past year has not been easy for Tom’s family as we lost his amazing mum back in May. He deserved a wedding day that allowed him to be with his family for a happy occasion – a reason to celebrate.”

Better together

“Organising a wedding is a huge project that requires a lot of planning. The date itself is like an anchor, so with the emotional build-up, planning, and in many cases financial implications, having to then postpone and re-plan a wedding is a lot to deal with,” says couples therapist, Dr Kalanit Ben-Ari (kalanitbenari.com).

With the ever-changing Covid situation and its constant climate of uncertainty, couples have been catapulted between extremes of emotion like hope and despair, sorrow and joy, which has a draining impact individually and on their relationship.

“It’s been testing on a personal level for us,” admits Morwenna. “As a couple, we’ve coped well but there’s definitely been a frequent stressor hanging over us. The worst bit is knowing that our moment of happiness could be ripped away at any second.”

So what is the best way to deal with the sense of overwhelm and myriad moods you may find yourself in? “The most important thing in terms of your relationship with your partner is to acknowledge the situation and allow yourself to express whatever feelings it brings up,” advises Dr Ben-Ari. “Really listen to them and validate their point of view. You don’t have to agree with them, but the act of acknowledging the situation from their perspective and telling them that they make sense, may offer them the support they need.”

As Jemma wisely counsels: “Talk to your partner – talk, talk, talk – and make sure neither of you are feeling unheard. As the prospect of having to change our plans rapidly came into view, we were both very open about what we wanted and how we should proceed,” she says. “The openness of our communication and how we easily agreed on the same plan showed how well we know each other. Going through all this with Tom has only reaffirmed how good we are together.”

Dr Ben-Ari encourages couples facing adversity to be as communicative and as flexible as possible with each other, their ideas and – most importantly – their approach. “Put your energy and awareness into the areas where you do have control: how you relate to each other, how you support each other, how you can create connection and intimacy, how you raise each other up,” she says.

“Try to change your mindset to lightness and a sense of humour, and look for the positives – you now have time to plan more little details for your special day. Maybe make a fun movie about both of you to screen at the wedding or learn an impressive first dance to perform in front of your guests. See the extra time as an opportunity to be super creative.”

Look after yourself

Don’t forget that self-care is just as important as supporting one another, and it starts with an awareness of your own voice before sounding it out. “It’s important to acknowledge your inner dialogue,” says Dr Ben-Ari. “The nervous system reacts in different ways to particular thoughts. Your inner voice might be telling you: ‘This is a disaster and I don’t know how to handle this,’ or: ‘This is not what I wanted, but I’m pleased that we have more time to plan.’ It’s easy to feel like you don’t have any control over what’s happened as a result of the pandemic, but you have the power to control your reaction and change your mindset.”

With a primary focus on finding your common ground, you’ll then need to negotiate and accept your differences. “Be mindful that your partner may have a different kind of coping mechanism than yours,” cautions Dr Ben-Ari. “Some cope by distracting themselves from the issue, distancing themselves or withdrawing completely. Reach out with tenderness, compassion and love, and express yourself and what you need to feel supported non-judgementally, safely and openly.”

She suggests telling your partner how you’re feeling using positive words. For example, instead of saying: “You don’t understand me,” say: “I feel upset and lonely today. I need to tell you how I’m feeling, and it will be helpful if you can just listen.”

As we all know, life and loss can go hand in hand, and whether it’s a minor loss like the live band you’d set your heart on or a major one like the sudden death of a beloved, each prompts us to see everything exactly as it is and to allow space for our grief and gratitude in equal measure.

“You will get married, even if it is not at the time you had originally planned or wanted, and you have the rest of your lives to enjoy being married,” says Dr Ben-Ari. Think about the things in your life that make you feel grateful. Make a list, and every day add more and more positive things to it. This year is a chapter – it is not the whole book.”

Words of wisdom: Some final advice from our wise brides...

If you’re newly engaged and don’t know what to do, start looking around at your options. Just have it in the back of your mind that things could change. Have a Plan B date pencilled in until things become more settled and plan that ‘shadow’ wedding as thoroughly as you will with the first date, just in case.

Morwenna

I think the bottom line with this is that you have to make the decisions together as a couple. Don’t let anyone say you should be doing this or not doing this.

Jemma

If you’re struggling with postponements, take that time away from your phone, and have a good cry, a takeaway and spend time with your partner. Ultimately, that’s what it’s all about anyway. Take the time to heal away from prying eyes and then power on like the strong person you are.

Morwenna

Many couples are in the same situation, so find a social group who are dealing with the same struggles and who can offer support to each other.

Dr Ben-Ari

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