Cover
01 A S YMB OL OF MANHOOD Page 01
02 A BRIEF HISTORY Page 11
03 STYLES OF MUSTACHES Page 17
04 MUSTACHES & AUTHORITY Page 33
"THE MINUTE I HAD ONE, I NOTICED A DIFFERENCE IN THE WAY PEOPLE TREATED ME."
01 { A SYMBOL OF MANHOOD }
Every strand of hair found above a man’s lips serves as a tribute to the pantheon of mustache holders throughout history, an ode to the testosterone that has driven every strand of every male’s facial hair since the first man roamed Planet Earth. Historically speaking, the first record of man’s extravagant display of his mustache goes back to a painting of a Scythian horseman from 300 BC. Fast forward to the current age, where societies by and large have maintained their bond to the mustache, as evident in Egyptian society today, where a man’s honor is measured by the size of his mustache. Truth be told, an Egyptian clan elder was stripped of his honor in recent years when an unfortunate scuffle led to his kidnapping and the subsequent humiliation of seeing his mustache shaved, packaged, and sent home. The outward display of any mustache ostensibly indicates the presence of attributes that have most effectively driven the survival of the male race: virility and masculinity. Biologically speaking, release of testosterone in the development of all males drives the development of secondary sex characteristics, physical features that eventually sustain the holy blessing of procreation.
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One can appropriately compare the mustache to the feathers of a male peacock. Those peacocks that can flaunt the most impressive feathers are most likely to produce robust offspring.
SIMILARLY, THOSE MEN WITH THE FULLEST AND CLEANEST MUSTACHES ARE MOST LIKELY TO SHARE THEIR LIVES WITH WOMEN OF THE HIGHEST CALIBER.
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"BECAUSE OF T
AND DEMAND FO
THE MUSTACHE W
THE BRIDGE BETW
AND GROW 04
THE MAGNITUDE
OR FACIAL HAIR,
WILL ALWAYS BE
WEEN BOYHOOD
WN MAN." 05
25 THE
M A NL IE S T MU S TA C HE S OF A L L T IME by
B r e t t & K a t ie Mc k a y
TOM SELLECK: When pre-pubecent mustaches grow up, they want to be Tom Selleck’s mustache. It’s a modern mustache masterpiece. Magnum P.I. wouldn’t have been the same with some dude with a naked upper lip. WALTER CRONKITE: Walter Cronkite’s mustache was the most trustworthy mustache in all of news history. And that’s the way it is... EDDIE MURPHY: During the 1980s and early 90s, no mustache was funnier than Eddie Murphy’s. We won’t hold Eddie Murphy’s mustache responsible for Daddy Day Care or Norbit. DANIEL PLAINVIEW: Daniel Plainview’s mustache will drink your milkshake. And then bludgeon you to death with a bowling pin. ROLLIE FINGERS: Rollie Fingers brought back the waxed handlebar mustaches rocked by the baseball players of yore. STEVE PREFONTAINE: Scientists have proven that the secret to Steve Prefontaine’s record-setting running times was the aerodynamics of his mustache. WYATT EARP: Wyatt Earp is a Western legend. Some sources say he killed up to 30 men during his time as a lawman in the American frontier. He didn’t even have to use bullets; his mustache knocked em’ over cold.
RON BURGUNDY: Ron Burgundy is the manliest fictional news anchor to ever live. He loves scotch (scotchy, scotch, scotch), leather-bound books, and the smell of rich mahogany. And of course, he had a kick ass mustache that injected the news with testosterone and manhood.
BURT REYNOLDS: Let’s face it. The real star is Burt Reynold’s Mustache. Burt Reynolds can thank his mustache for his film and TV career. If only his mustache had talked him out of plastic surgery. LANNY MCDONALD: Lanny McDonald’s iconic red walrus mustache threw open ice body checks that put his opponents in the hospital. Oh, and it also helped him score 98 goals in a season.
FRIEDRICH NIETZSCHE: Nietzsche’s mustache can provide meaning to the life of even the most strident nihilist. Look at that thing. Awe inspiring.
PANCHO VILLA: Pancho Villa started life as a poor Mexican sharecropper on a hacienda. He grew a mustache, put on some bandoliers, and became the Mexican version of Robin Hood. His mustache inspired thousands of oppressed Mexicans to revolt against the oligarchy and establish a more democratic Mexico.
MARK TWAIN: Mark Twain had some strong words to say about beards: “It performs no useful function; it is a nuisance and a discomfort; all nations hate it; all nations persecute it with the razor.” Guess that’s why he decided to go with an awesome mustache instead. MARTIN LUTHER KING JR.: I have a dream that all men will grow a mustache as magnificent as MLK’s.
JOSHUA CHAMBERLAIN: Legend has it that Chamberlin’s famous swinging gate attack at Gettysburg was whispered to him by his mustache.
MARK SPITZ: Michael Phelps may now have more medals, but Spitz’s mustache could beat Phelp’s any day of the week.
FRANK ZAPPA: Frank Zappa did some crazy stuff with the guitar. His style has influenced countless musicians today. But with a mustache like that, you wouldn’t expect anything less.
ALBERT EINSTEIN: The “m” in E=mc² obviously stands for “mustache.”
SEAN CONNERY: In the Untouchables, Sean Connery taught us that you should never bring a knife to a gun fight, but you should always bring your mustache.
THE SUNDANCE KID: When you’re robbing trains, you need an appearance that commands respect. The Sundance Kid understood this, so he grew a mustache.
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SAM ELLIOT: Anytime Hollywood needs a cowboy with a mustache, they call Sam Elliot. CARL WEATHERS: Sadly, not even his epic mustache could save Apollo Creed from getting killed by the Commie Russian in Rocky IV. Thankfully, the ghost of Creed’s mustache gave Rocky the strength to avenge. BILL THE BUTCHER: Bill “The Butcher” Cutting from Gangs of New York was a mean SOB. Xenophobic, ruthless, and deadly with a knife, his 19th century mustache ruled over Lower Manhattan. WILFORD BRIMLEY: Wilford Brimley’s mustache has been fighting dee-a-beet-us since 1990. He feeds his stache Quaker Oats to make it strong and virile. THEODORE ROOSEVELT: You didn’t think we would make a list of manly mustaches and not include Theodore Roosevelt did you? Whether he was going after robber barons or charging up San Juan Hill, TR’s mustache was giving him the vim and vigor he needed to live the strenuous life. Bully for his mustache!
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“LET ME GIVE YOU ONE PIECE OF ADVICE,
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THE SECOND YOUR BODY’S READY... GROW ONE."
E A RL HIC K E Y My Name is Earl
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02 { A BRIEF HISTORY }
Throughout history, men have been upstaged by their mustaches. Sure, Sir Thomas More was beheaded after refusing to join Henry VIII’s Church of England, but first, he refused to shave. Similarly, Fred the Baker, of Dunkin Donuts’ TV commercial fame, always looked exhausted after waking up so early to "make the donuts," but while the bags under his eyes suggested 5 A.M., his mustache always looked high-noon. And what about Lionel Richie? He toured with the Commodores, made "Endless Love" with Diana Ross, and helped unite nations in 1985 with "We Are the World." But he’ll always be recognized as that singer who went ‘’Dancing on the Ceiling" with a finger-length mustache on his face. While mustaches, or berts (a bastardization of "Burt," as previously mentioned), have been around long before Wilford Brimley started whoring out oatmeal, oftentimes they have been the underdog of a man’s face-having to fight to get noticed and appreciated. That’s what is amazing about mustaches. They come in all shapes and sizes, and they often define the man (and in some cases, the lady), his face, and his stardom. They can be a perfect triangle, like 1980s newsman Roland Smith’s (perhaps an inspiration for Anchorman’s Ron Burgundy), or come with a curly finish like pitcher Rollie Fingers’s spaghetti-style ’stache. A mustache can be as thick as a walrus’s, like philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche’s, or as pencil-thin as the line above director John Waters’s lip. Stars like these didn’t bow down to the pressures of societal or social trends. Whether it was displayed on film or television, on the Broadway stage, on the sports field, or better yet, while enjoying off-camera moments in their everyday lives, these gents accentuated their philtrums with some glorious fuzz. Maybe they just plain liked the look, or perhaps the touch that only a mustache could give them.
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"BEHIND EVER
IS A GREAT M
12
RY GREAT MAN,
MUSTACHE."
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It can be said that behind every great man, there’s a great mustache. Well, not exactly. But if we had our way, that statement would be emblazoned in every history book. A mustache builds character, adds life to an otherwise empty face, and can signify a key moment in history simply by its size and scope. When Theodore "Teddy" Roosevelt charged up San Juan Hill on July 1, 1898, he led by example—not with his fighting spirit, but with a menacing, bushy mustache. The Rough Rider’s bristles were fittingly rough around the edges and stood firm, just like the man himself. Facial hair instantly gave credibility to a man who wouldn’t seem as intimidating without it. Similarly, Adolf Hier stole Charlie Chaplin’s toothbrush-style mustache and made it somewhat a symbol of his power (and insanity). One wonders how seriously the dictator would’ve been taken if he had Charles Barkley’s weak mustache instead of the stately fur popularized by the silent film star. On a related note, Robert Baden-Powell began the Boy Scouts movement in 1908, but one wonders if he could’ve found the funding without the appeal of his well-disciplined ‘stache. Oftentimes, a mustache isn’t grown for a keen fashion sense; it’s grown to make a statement. John Lennon led the Beatles in shedding their wholesome looks by growing unrecognizably thick mustaches (and ultimately, beards). Similarly, Albert Einstein and Salvador Dali each had uncharacteristic mustaches on their faces to add credibility to their genius. It was as if they were saying to the general public, "Hey, we’ve got crazy-looking mustaches; but it doesn’t matter because we’re geniuses!" Another great man in history, Christopher Hewitt, made his finely groomed mustache do the talking as Mr. Belvedere. His ‘stache set the tone right away. Like the British housekeeper himself, his mustache was neat, nicely put together, and not to be messed with by pesky American kids.
It was as if they were saying to the general public, "Hey, we’ve got crazy-looking mustaches; but it doesn't matter because we’re geniuses!"
A mustache can also be a sign of the times. When looked at in retrospect, it can automatically transport you back to a historical moment. For example, when we watch a Cheech and Chong movie, Sonny and Cher Show reruns, or a pornography classic starring the immortal Harry Reems, we’re instantly taken back to the 1970s. Together with the late 1960s, this was a time of free love, long sideburns, and thick, straggly mustaches. By comparison, when we see a picture of a man with a thick Fu Manchu, we know it belongs to the era of Genghis Khan’s Mongolian Empire or the latter days of Pancho Villa’s nineteenth century. This is because no one in their right mind would leave the house looking like that today. However, there was a time when baseball slugger Mike Piazza came close to revitalizing its hoary legacy. But he never grew his out that far. Speaking of baseball’s grooming elite, frequently players will grow unique variations of a mustache simply to stand out and get noticed—or to intimidate. In fact, growing a bizarre mustache must be in the MLB rule book, under the section for relief pitching. Don Aase wasn’t a sensational pitcher, but deserved back-page headlines more for that big old mustache than any fastball he threw. Examples of the importance of mustaches could go on forever. There are few precious things in life that are timeless. And as the above men point out clearly, mustaches are one of them. Author Rudyard Kipling once said, "Being kissed by a man who didn’t wax his mustache was like eating an egg without salt." We have no clue what that means, but we’re sure it’s sound advice. To us, men with mustaches have more personality above their lip than in their entire body.
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03 { STYLES OF MUSTACHES }
To grow a mustache is a bold step and makes a big statement about who you are and how you want to look. There are many types of mustaches--some are extremely prominent and others much more subtle. Men who have worn mustaches and have been known for them include many prominent people such as Frank Zappa, Charlie Chaplin, Salvador Dali, Walt Disney and Clark Gable. Pimpin' ain't easy, but neither is growing the perfect push broom. When it comes to setting the standard and reaching new heights, it's simple: it's not the man that makes the mustache, it's the mustache that makes the man. Many artists, actors, writers, and designers go into their respective fields because it's a source of constant creative expression. Similarly, many grow facial hair to express themselves and add to their already unique persona.
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CHEVRON
DALI
A thick and wide mustache, usually worn long to cover the top border of the upper lip.
A narrow mustache with long points bent or curved steeply upward. Named for artist Salvador Dali.
HANDLEBAR
PETIT HANDLEBAR
A handlebar mustache should be worn large; it is characterized by the fact that it is bushy and must be worn long enough to curl the ends upward, which is usually achieved with styling wax.
The little brother to the Handlebar. Possesses the same characteristics, only smaller.
LAMPSHADE
PAINTER’S BRUSH
A mustache similar to the “painter’s brush,” but with corners angled slightly, resembling the shape of a lampshade.
A thick mustache covering the width of the mouth, usually worn short, with slightly rounded corners.
PYRAMIDAL #1
PYRAMIDAL #2
A general name for mustaches shaped narrow on top and wide on the bottom, like a pyramid. Pyramidal mustaches can be shaped in a variety of ways.
Another variation of the Pyramidal style. For more details see ¨Pyramidal #1.¨
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ENGLISH
FU MANCHU
A narrow divided mustache that begins at the middle of the upper lip, with long whiskers pulled to either side of the center. The areas beyond the corners of the mouth are typically shaved.
A mustache that begins on the upper lip and whose whiskers are grown very long to extend down each side of the mouth down to the to jaw. The areas just past the corners of the mouth are shaven, thus differentiating this style from the “horseshoe”.
HORSESHOE
IMPERIAL
A full moustache with vertical extensions grown on the corners of the lips and down the sides of the mouth to the jawline, resembling an upside-down horseshoe.
A large mustache growing from both the upper lip and cheeks, whiskers from the cheeks are styled pointing upward.
PENCIL #1
PENCIL #2
A thin, narrow, closely clipped mustache that outlines the upper lip. Pencil style mustaches can be trimmed in different manners (see below). Also sometimes called a ¨mouthbrow.¨
A variation of the Pencil mustache. For more detaisls see ¨Pencil #1.¨
TOOTHBRUSH
WALRUS
A thick mustache, shaved to be about an inch wide in the center.
A large, bushy, droopy mustache that hangs down over the lips, often entirely covering the mouth.
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CAREERS & MUSTACHES What a Mustache Says About a Man's Profession A lot can be told by a man’s mustache, and it seems certain professions have their own. For some it can be a small handlebar, and for others it can be a bushy chevron. The bottom line however, is that the hair on a man’s upper lip can rightfully be understood as a window into his soul. The following is a list of the most notable mustaches, and noteworthy stereotypes from the industries that championed each ‘stache.
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THE
PRIVATE INVESTIGATOR
This is the type of mustache you should sport when you love your job just as much as your cocaine. Something of an industry staple, most private dicks rock this look because it helps them to believe that, “hey, I’m almost a real detective.”
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THE
PITCHER
In the greater part of the twentieth century, facial hair was discouraged in professional baseball. But by the early 1970s, the Kansas City/Oakland A’s had brought the look back with such notables as Joe Rudi, Reggie Jackson and of course, Rollie Fingers. Ever since, it is not uncommon for dominating players to rock a bit of lip hair, mostly pitchers.
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THE
PAINTER
Lots of artistic people do eccentric things. One such example is Salvadore Dali, who made this look so famous, that it is now named after him. Also called a “spaghetti mustache”, the tips of this type of ‘stache can be used as brushes – in a pinch.
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THE
DICTATOR
Although funny-man Charlie Chaplin wore this mustache during Hollywood’s silent era, it is perhaps most known as the mustache of choice among dictators. Most recently the ex-Zimbabwean ruler Robert Mugabe, and more famously Adolf Hitler – who, incidentally is Mugabe’s hero – have donned this look. It is alternatively known as the toothbrush mustache.
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THE
PORN STAR
This mustache basically tells people, “…yeah, I’m here for the gang bang.” It is a perfect mustache for the porn industry, because male co-stars typically act as cops, plumbers, or other mustached professions before the coitus begins. It makes every bit of the acting, that much more believable.
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THE
DIRECTOR
The director mustache is similar to the eccentric mustache, but is reserved specifically for connoisseurs of film. One popular theory regarding this mustache stems from a story about Waters wanting to replicate the elegance and grace of Orson Welles’ early work through facial hair management.
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THE
ANCHORMAN
The chevron mustache and its wearer are the personification of panache. What better way to conduct journalistic affairs than by letting this tasteful representation of manhood precede a dramatic presentation of facts? That’s right, there is no way.
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THE
MECHANIC
The walrus mustache is popular among blue collar workers, primarily those that work in service and repair. Many of these gentlemen are self-employed, and this type of prideful mustache represents that there is no holding down the caliber of men that help build this country. It also helps to increase the wearer’s credibility when quoting prices to housewives for dishwasher repair. It communicates others that the mustached man might not know the ins and out of fine art trading, but he is probably an expert when it comes to his profession.
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THE
NASCAR DRIVER
In parts of America, Nascar drivers are heroes. And the bottom line is, most heroes have mustaches. But if nothing else, a bushy upper lip accessory such as this is the perfect compliment to a flame retardant suit, ball cap and sunglasses. Basically it is what made Dale Earnhardt, Dale Earnhardt.
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THE
POLICE OFFICER
Many people do not know this, but most police departments have regulations limiting officers’ facial hair to mustaches only. Typically in an effort to standardize the appearance and avoid any strange soul patches or goatees. It has since become a symbol of following the rules, and not expressing oneself in a way that might offend other citizens.
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THE
ROCK GOD
Rock and roll legends are known to be rather strange at times, and express themselves in entirely unique ways. However, George Harrison, Ted Nugent and Frank Zappa have agreed that a bad ass push broom is the way to go. Zappa accessorized his by a square patch, and his relatives trademarked the look once he passed away.
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04 { MUSTACHES & AUTHORITY }
For some reason, the mustache holds within itself a power. A power that when tapped into responsibly, can realize incredible things. The power of which I speak is mustache authority. There is something about the hair on a man's upper lip that gives him a confidence he has never before experienced. A great deal of men who sport mustaches have been doing so for most of their adult lives, and for good reason...nobody questions them. Whether this comes from their own boost of confidence or the respect (perhaps fear) in the eye of the beholder is irrelevant, the result is the same...the upper hand in every situation. For good or bad, there is an attitude and an ego that comes with a mustache. At the request of wives, girlfriends, & partners they have shaved them a time or two, only to begin growing them anew within a couple of weeks because they feel lost without it. In the bible, we read of a man named Samson, whose physical strength is lost as his long locks of hair are cut off. In like manner, these men lose their power when they lose their mustache. Only theirs is not a loss of their physical strength, but their psychological strength. It is not by coincidence that most men in authority positions, or men seeking authority over others, wear mustaches. You think I'm joking? Go take a trip to the local police station and look at the wall of fame featuring past and current police chiefs. I may be low-balling by saying that ninety percent of them will be wearing mustaches. Pull out your history book and take a good look at the war heroes and generals...yep, mustaches...big ones to boot! Still need convincing? Let's look briefly at a bit murkier side of authority (remember I said, "men in authority positions, or men seeking authority over others...'). If you can stomach it, pull up a sex offender registry and look at the men on the list. Mustache...check, mustache...check, mustache...check (although most mustaches on this type of man are skimpy and unauthoritative). How about the Unibomber, Ted Kasinsky? We all remember that police sketch of the hooded man wearing aviators and a mustache. I could go on and on, but the fact remains...there is a small portion of the male population who have tapped into and are taking full advantage of this phenomenon that is the mustache. Still don't believe me? Grow one, you'll find out soon enough. But be warned, once you've felt it, you'll never go back.
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"FOR YEARS TH
HAS BEEN A SYM
DOMINANCE, AN
DIE EXIS
34
HE MUSTACHE
MBOL OF POWER,
ND A NEVER SAY
STENCE."
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Take note clean-shaven and beard-wearing Americans: Sporting a mustache may improve your chances of landing a higher-paying job, but it won't mean you put more money in the bank, according to a study commissioned by QuickenŽ and the American Mustache Institute(AMI), the St. Louis-based think tank and advocacy organization representing Mustached Americans. The research found that Mustached Americans earned 8.2 percent more on average than those with beards and 4.3 percent more than the clean-shaven. People of Mustached American descent, however, also tended to spend 11 percent more and save 3 percent less than their collective counterparts. "A down economy on top of the trappings of the more sexually adventurous Mustached American lifestyle – and things are beginning to catch up with us," said Dr. Abraham Jonas Froman, AMI's chief executive officer. "We just hope that our new partnership with Quicken, as well as the excitement of naming the 'Robert Goulet Mustached American of the Year' at 'Stache Bash 2009 featuring John Oates, will help provide a sound financial roadmap for our community." The study found that the majority of Mustached Americans' disposable income was spent on toiletries such as cologne, and teeth whitening solutions (10 percent); alcoholic bev-
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erages such as beer and Rich & Rare Canadian Whisky (11 percent); 1970s and '80s-era music memorabilia, most commonly by Hall & Oates (1 percent); clothing apparel consisting of Speedo swimsuits, leather pants, and tank-top tee-shirts; and DVD movies most commonly starring Billy Dee Williams, Chuck Norris, Richard Roundtree, and Burt Reynolds. "If efficiencies in financial management could be realized in the near-term," said principal research consultant Dr. Hans Menjou-B채rtchen. "It's highly probable that over the next four to five years, we will see Mustached Americans' savings rate grow to surpass their bearded and shaven peers." Bearded Americans, according to the study, spend the majority of their income on breakfast pastries (14 percent), beard combs (2 percent), lice removal kits (1 percent), overalls (12 percent), and semi-automatic weapons (18 percent). Clean-shaven Americans said they most commonly spend their income on items such as Levi's Dockers brand apparel (15 percent), signet rings (7 percent), fitness water and other sports-related beverages (12 percent) vitamin supplements (13 percent), strip-mall haircuts (9 percent), and Zima brand adult beverages (8 percent).
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$43,280 RESEARCH FOUND THAT MUSTACHED MEN MAKE 8.2% MORE ON AVERAGE THAN BEARDED MEN.
4.3%
$41,560 RESEARCH FOUND THAT MUSTACHED MEN MAKE 4.3% MORE ON AVERAGE THAN CLEAN-SHAVEN MEN.
3.9%
$40,000 FIGURES CALCULATED FROM A BASE SALARY OF $40,000.
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INDIAN POLICE GIVEN MOUSTACHE PAY BBC NEWS
Police in a district in India's Madhya Pradesh state are being paid to grow moustaches because bosses believe it makes them command more respect. Ten policemen in the northern state are already receiving 30 rupees (66 US cents) every month for their efforts. Jhabua district police chief Mayank Jain told BBC News Online: "The response is growing and in the months ahead we expect to see more moustachioed policemen. Moustaches are improving the personalities of our constables. They are acquiring an aura of their own. They are creating a positive impression on the local people and getting a lot of respect."
"Moustaches are improving the personalities of our constables... it makes them command more respect."
The police chief hit upon the idea of moustaches-for-cash after a seminar attended by district policemen and local people. "There were two or three moustachioed constables in the gathering and I saw people were looking at them very respectfully and pleasantly. That is when I thought of making more policemen grow moustaches," Mr Jain said. The decision to pay them a whisker more every month for their efforts was just a "little motivation", he said. Mr Jain said he was keeping a watch on the shape of the moustaches so that they did not look too intimidating, and so have the opposite effect on people. "It takes time to keep a proper moustache. A good one has to take a turn near the angle of the upper lip," Mr Jain said. He said that in the next few months many more of the 1,100 policemen at the district's 22 police stations would begin sporting moustaches. Men in rural India have traditionally sported impressive moustaches to assert their masculinity.
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IF I'M A BAD GUY AND I HAVE THE CHOICE of a mustachioed police officer coming after me or a non-mustachioed police officer coming after me...
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I'M TAKING NON-MUSTACHED EVERY DAY of the week, and twice on wednesdays.
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MUST = AUTHO 44
TACHE = ORITY 45