The BANANAZZZ Manifesto

Page 1

THE

MANIFESTO

WRITTEN & COMPILED BY:

CRAIG EVANHALEN


INTRODUCTION ssssssssssuup. my name is craig evanhalen, enigmatic genius. if you don’t know my lore by now, you don’t fuckin’ know anything at all. what you hold in your hands is THE BANANAZZZ MANIFESTO (not to be confused with BANANAZZZ the band or BANANAZZZ the movie). this is not your average zine. this is a punk gospel. herein i will not only teach you the truth behind punk, but serve as a guide and teach you the way we went from DIY wunderkinds to global music icons (eventually). if you follow my lead correctly, you will be on the right path. but remember, i’ll still keep some tips secret, so you won’t ever catch up to me. as the lead singer of BANANAZZZ (the band), we eschew things that TPTB (“the powers that be”...keep that in mind as i will be using that acronym quite a bit) seems to hold so precious. these things include (but are not limited to): the status quo, society, et al. what you need to do is forget about all that shit. it was created in the early 1950’s with the emerging middle class and you needn’t bother with it. all you need to have are PUNK ETHOS.

WHAT ARE PUNK ETHOS? “Where we are going we don’t need society!” - PUNK DOC BROWN

in the topsy-turvy world of punk (to save time i will be referring to it as “punkworld”), ethos is everything. without it, you get labeled as a poser. THAT IS THE WORST THING THAT CAN HAPPEN TO YOU. IT MAKES YOU FEEL REALLY BAD. it’s the ultimate shame. avoid it at all costs. the experts will tell you you need to have something called “punk ethos” but what, exactly, is an “etho”? a quick google search doesn’t help, but google wouldn’t know (maybe back in ‘95, when google actually STOOD for something). on the next page you will find a checklist of ethos, which can be ripped out for the next time you visit the mall.


EXAMPLES OF AN “ETHO”: - rippled clothing - something to lecture people about at parties (i.e., straightedge, veganism, queering, record fidelity) - basements (like our native american forefathers that used every part of the cow, we use every part of the home.) - NYOP, or “name your own price (another acronym to remeber) - stick n’ pokes (aka “henna”) - shampoo-free showers (for that messy hair look) - cutting out the front of a shirt and pinning it to a denim jacket or vest


THE 10 COMMANDMENTS OF PUNK: following the punk ethos can be tricky. everyone’s different and it’s not like there is a set of “punk rules” to follow... --OH WAIT.

1. THOU SHALLT HAVE PUNK ETHOS covered above.

2. THOU SHALT RESPECT PUNK ICONS

including (but not limited to): henry rolans, gg allen, ian mckay, the ramone brothers, “vicious” sid barrett, joe strummers, the joker, (the one from the adicts, not the batman one but RIP heath), jelly roll biafra, dropkick murphy, and jerry only.

3. THOU SHAL NOT PUNK IN VAIN

In other words...DON’T SELL OUT! however, with the decline in record sales, more and more, sponsorships are a necessary evil. tread carefully. only make deals with “cool” companies like urban outfitters, scion, mastercard, and the like. if advanced auto parts gives you a call, let the machine answer it. (pun?)

4. OBSERVE THE PUNK SABBATH

the punk sabbath is tuesday. every tuesday you need to act extra punk, because tuesdays are, traditionally, the least punk day of the week.

5. FUCK THY MOTHER. FUCK THY FATHER.

just because you share the same bloodline, you do not share the same ideals. they are the old regime. more on parents later...


ABOVE: God, a fictional character, presenting the ten commandments to the world.

6. THOU SHALL INCITE THE MASSES AND WAKE UP THE SILENT MAJORITY

that’s what it says on the bags at search & destroy on st. marks. it’s kind of like a punk proverb.

7. THALT NOT COMMIT TO ADULTHOOD

adulthood involves home-ownership and improvement: pretty up your prison walls, and surrender your life to TPTB! adulthood involves pta meetings: a bunch of parents getting together and telling their kids what to do--sounds a lot like a GOVERNMENT. adulthood involves cubicles: [guttural scream]. adulthood cannot exist in punkworld. therefore, it needs to be subverted. if you do the opposite of what TPTB considers “growing up,” that’s the first step to a revolution.

8. STEALING: OK.

as long as you steal from the man. i steal books from the library all they time.

9. SEX: OK. punkworld is a very progressive place. sex is not discouraged,

it is encouraged. girls can even do it to one another! that’s how open it is. i am especially sexual. more on my personal sexuality to come...

10. FORGET IT

there are no rules. (but these are rules)


THE GOVERNMENT don’t want to be an american idiot? vote. i know what you’re thinking...isn’t that partaking in a flawed electoral system created by capitalist fools? to some extent, yes. but voting is a right--OUR RIGHT. where we celebrate our rights as citizens of the free world with an opportunity to make our voices heard. every person, no matter what age, race, or cree can stand up for what they believe in, and participate in a democratic government. that is why, i URGE you to hit the polls next election and write in “fuck you”. now i know what you’re thinking: WTF!? but just think, when the reports come in, the angry youth will have their voices heard. what will the censors at cnn, fox news and the other one do when they have to report that “fuck you” is winning by a landslide!? they’ll have to say “fuck” for one, which is awesome. but more importantly, they will see that we aren’t going to allow “the system” to make a choice between two robots that will only continue to hold the masses down. now i know what you’re thinking: isn’t a vote for “fuck you” a wasted vote? no. i recently watched a documentary on the electorial college by actress and family friend drew barrymoore. apparently, our singular vote is sent to the local college and then a winner is chosen for that college. then the colleges make up the vote for the state. the states are either “red” or “blue” and they add up the numbers of the colors to choose a president. BUT if enough people vote for a “green” (aka “write-in”) candidate, then the system is subverted. now i know what you’re thinking: can i get in trouble for writing “fuck” in a voting area (often a school)? short answer: no. voting booths often come outfitted with a curtain, which make your vote anonymous. no one would know! and in the event that “the man” tries to stop you, you can say “fuck you” is the name of a chinese-born candidate (they have names like that).


now i know what you’re thinking: can i write in “craig evanhalen” instead? DON’T. i am not prepared to enter into politics. while i would totally fuck shit up for the better, i would not be able to spend my time on my ART, which inspires the masses much more than any bureaucratic work could ever do. plus, a vote for “fuck you” would be more universally understood. so the next time an election rolls around (check your local news sites, they have them every few months), make your vote a vote for “fuck you” and be sure to tell people going in to vote about the plan. people are more likely to change their vote last minute (for the same reason they have gum at the checkout counters). this plan can lead to a new american dream. until we accept this new dream, we shall remain one idiot nation, under “god”, DIVISBLE, with NO LIBERTY and JUSTICE only for the fatcats in washington.

“Welcome to a new kind of tension, all across the idiot nation...” - NOAM CHOMSKY


Hello everybody! My name is Andenisse Brown, and I am both the publicist and image consultant of BANANAZZZ. The guys have been TOTALLY rocking it lately, and I’m so proud to be on their team! Their edgy vibe is so fresh, and I just know that their buzz in the biz is about to blow up! I especially love Craig, he’s hella random, I never know what he’ll do next- and who DOESNT love surprises?! He asked me to contribute something to the zeen, and I know there are a lot of hot new musicians reading this, so I figured I’d do what I was born to, and give some of my expert advice on building buzz in the music industry: 1. IMAGE IS EVERYTHING! One of the hottest bands of all time were The Strokes. When I sat down with Craig to discuss the image of the band, I told him he needed to establish a Julian Casablancas vibe about him. With their messy hair and dirty leather jackets, the bad boys of the band became every girl’s rock n’ roll obsession! Julian (a personal friend) may be a really smart and creative dude, but he looks like he just doesn’t care--and that is super hot. Keep an eye on the ITunes charts, follow sites like We Are Hunted, and anytime you see a band on the Coachella lineup you don’t recognize, do a Google image search. Then, try and emulate their look. Maybe “the Julian” isn’t your thing. Maybe you’re a feminist like Grimes, or a country boy Mumford, or a sass machine like The Scissor Sisters. Whatever it is, remember you are a rocker, so rock it!


The ANDENISSE

Diaries BY ANDENISSE BROWN

Photo by Lacey Ann Johnson

2. SCHMOOZE IT UP, BABY! In order to get the big bucks, you have to get your brand on the tongues of the popular crowd. Parties, mixers, and summer festivals are great places to network with the elite. But don’t just limit yourself to the music elite. I met one of my closest friends, designer Badgley Mischka on a boat party during fashion week. I did some (always tasteful) namedropping and the next night, BANANAZZZ “Call To Arms Against The Oppression of Tyrannical Monotony” was played during the afterparty for her runway show to the biggest tastemakers in New York. Although, maybe that had to do with my bathroom rendezvous with DJ Jesse Marko. ;D 3. SOCIAL NETWORK-IT-OUT! When I found out there was a MySpace relaunch, I immediately set up a profile for the band. MySpace is v important to our generation, (how I met my older boyfriends in high school) so I knew this rebranding couldn’t fail. Additionally, BANANAZZZ has a huge Pinterest following, getting around 50 repins per original post. These social networks are important tools to building buzz for a hot new band. Last year, I got a flyer with nothing but an upside-down cross and a QR code from the bathroom in a now burned down nightclub. I pulled out my iPhone, scanned it, and was led to the Facebook profile for a DJ called AVIICI! They became my #1 luvs and I am in-the-know whenever AVIICI comes on in da club.

Mwah!

There you have it! The three most important things for a band is image, schmoozing, and social networking! Oh, and the most obvi thing a band needs to do to be successful is...duh, be sexy!


IT’S POLITIEROTICISM “I FEEL SO ALIVE, FOR THE VERY FIRST TIME” - CRASS

i am a VERY sexual person. even though i’m so punk, my favorite song is and always will be “closer” by nine inch nails. trent’s lyrics are beautiful and evocative…true poetry. when i set out to create BANANAZZZ, i wanted to make art that could soundtrack a real hot sessh. however, sex is a purely primal urge. i wanted our music to move to the pulse of the streets, as much as the throbs of the...well, y’know. as the designated spokesman of the counterculture, i have a christlike responsibility to act as a bullhorn to the millions of angry young voices that are silenced by TPTB every day. its a heavy load to bare but i am the only one with a will strong enough to carry it. but this poses a problem: am i the militant proletariat, fighting for the people? or am i a SEXUAL white panther, simply oozing with charisma and the literal embodiment of the postfeminist desires of the modernday liberal woman? i spent much time on this subject, until i had an epiffany…why CAN’T i be both? those thoughts that weigh me down (monsanto, cultural appropriation, mitt romney) are all circling around my brain during bed fun. every time i am with a woman, it’s like i’m having passionate makeup sex that’s fueled by my own personal political rhetoric. i wanted BANANAZZZ to be the soundtrack of hundreds of the sexiest occupiers having a massive orgy on the streets in protest to the fuckin’ cops, and republicans, and the 1% (i’m looking at you, DAD). these two worlds are now forever merged for me. in fact, if you are a thin and attractive girl, instead of having political discourse with me, you can have political INTERCOURSE with me, and you can consider it an act of civil disobedience (get at me @realBANANAZZZ supp). i was blessed in many ways, and that is why BANANAZZZ bears the distinction of being the first politierotic band of all time. but i hope we are not the last. i know our contributions to art will forever touch the millions of other future “angry young men” not just in their brains, but also in their privates, as well. (no homo)


MARK BRONZINO GUITARIST OF BANANAZZZ


A GUIDE TO PUNK IDEOLOGIES “NOW I DON’T GIVE A DAMN BOUT MY REPUTATION” - THE SLITS STRAIGHTEDGE (aka “my thing”) straightedge is when you don’t drink, smoke, or do drugs. it’s living pure. you ascend to a higher realm and possess certain powers that the abusers do not. i consider myself “hardline” which grants me the ability to scold people at parties about it. it’s not just a thing to say though, i practice it. BANANAZZZ shows are an alcoholfree zone. I SWEAR TO GOD IF I SEE ANY ONE OF YOU FUCKING WORMS DRINKING ALCOHOL AT MY SHOW I WILL PERSONALLY REACH INTO YOUR THROATS AND SCOOP IT BACK OUT THIS IS A PROMISE. (i allow some drugs like molly, but only because it keeps the girls happy). some people would say that abstinence is also a part of straightedge, but they haven’t had to tame the beast inside my pants. LIBERALISM most punks are liberals. like, they hate romney and bush. to be TRULY punk you shouldnt follow the crowd, but it’s a safe bet there aren’t any albums called “rock against OBAMA vol. 2” (it’s a safe bet). VEGANISM one of my biggest pet peeves is when i go into a restaurant and there are no vegan options. what is this the fucking stone age? any time i go into a restaurant that doesn’t have vegan options i make a BIG scene. i get on the table, scream at the server, make a big mess and i don’t leave until i hear sirens. i’m not vegan, i’m just subversive.


LIBERTARIANISM ive been told libertarianism is like the punk of punk. just when you think you are as punk as you can be it’s like, “but hey, somebody’s doing something over here”. it’s too soon to say whether libertarianism is the answer, but i’ll keep a close eye on the reLOVEution. “THE PIT” its an organization of people that like to (as naughty by nature once said) JUMP AROUND! the pit can be a dangerous place. i avoid it at all costs. when BANANAZZZ plays a show where we are on the same level (stagewise) as the audience, i try to build a wall of guitar cases and trunks to avoid the pit bumping into me. OI! it’s when you like both punk and soccer. TATTOOS i just sharpie them on, because you never know when you are gonna change your mind about something. NIHILISM i don’t know what this is RIOT GRRRL this is something i only learned about recently, while watching an episode of ifc’s portlandia. the jist of it is “girls can do it, too!” it’s cute. SKATEBOARDING skating (or SK8’n) and punk have a long shared history. for a lot of young people, it is the way to get into punk music. not for me, though. i actually got into punk via yoyo. CRUSTING OUT this is when you punk so well, it ossifies (or “crusts”) creating an actual physical change in your body chemistry. it’s also when you see a really punk dog. METAL ugh. its like punk without the ethos. THE ETHOS ARE THE BEST PART, YOU WORMS. it’s angry for all the wrong reasons (romney, anyone!?), the names are hard to read, and leather jackets. and to those “deathers”, kiss did it better. plus, i think i read they burn churches down which is good figuratively, but not literally. ANARCHISM anarchism, or “A in a circle”, is when a bunch of people just don’t care about anything and try to make it so everybody doesn’t care about everything. i consider anarchy to be a good method of destroying the pillars of conformity and pissing off TPTB, but it’s not the solution. my idea, or “final solution”, is that everyone adhere to the code laid out in this very manifesto and we all are one pure punk world.


FUCK PARENTS “PARENTS, WHY WON’T THEY SHUT UP? PARENTS, THEY’RE SO FUCKED UP. THEY TREAT ME LIKE A TOOL. THEY TAKE ME FOR A FOOL.” -BILL COSBY


growing up, i would always say things like “i hate this dinner” or “i hate this outfit you picked out for me.” but my mom would always say “craig, ‘hate’ is a strong word.” and my mom was right. hate is a strong word. so you know i mean it when i say I HATE MY FUCKING PARENTS. not long ago, we as a divided nation celebrated another annual celebration of the greeting card industry (more like GREEDing cards) known as mother’s day. because of this, i was dragged to my LEAST

FAVORITE RESTAURANT, le benardin on 51st street in new york. of course, my mother uses this as an opportunity to smother me. “and the little guy will have the smothered halibut,” she says.

WHAT!? I WANTED THE PISTACHIO CRUSTED RACK OF LAMB. I GOT THE SMOTHERED HALIBUT LAST TIME AND IT MADE MY STOMACH UPSET. FUCK YOU MOM!!! ugh then my dad (who identifies himself as a “fiscel[sic] republican”

FYI) says “oh my arctic char isn’t ‘ultrarare’ like i had asked for” and sends his “slave” back to the kitchen to get a new one. CAN YOU BELIEVE HIM? when the waiter returned with his new food i made sure to spit some lung butter onto his dish just in case the cooks weren’t able to. he had to eat around it like a fucking clown. he didn’t talk for the rest of the night. FUCK YOU DAD!!! we, as a society need to fight back against the “old regime”. just because we share the same blood, it doesn’t mean we need to share the same ideals. we need to wake up the masses that

are too afraid to pull themselves off the tit and make

them stand tall Against Their Parents! Throw The Keys To The Audi Into The Trash Compactor! Burn

The Photo Albums! We, As A Society, Need To Fuck Our Moms And Dads!

FUCK THEM TO SHIT.


GETTING TO KNOW DARREN

Darren, the drummer in BANANAZZZ is a really interesting guy! We asked him a few questions to learn more about him, and here’s what he said! Favorite New Song From the Past Year DARREN: I would have to say...“Tattoo” by Van Halen. Favorite Older Song at the Moment DARREN: Oh boy. Too many to list, but if i had to choose just one, it would be “La Villa Strangiato” by Rush. Favorite New Artist DARREN: Well, I saw Amy Winehouse on an old episode of Leno that I had taped back in 2009. I’m making my way though the archives I had made myself during my orgy years (which was back when I had orgies all the time, and I would miss Leno). She has got some talent, and some rack on her, too! I liked that “Rehab” song because they tried to make me go to sex rehab but I didn’t get better. I had to get dental work after the orgies I had in that place! My Dream Collaboration DARREN: A drum circle with Bonham, Moon, Ginger Baker, Frank Beard, Alex Van Halen and Tommy Lee. The greats. Last Great Film I Saw DARREN: Kentucky Fried Movie Favorite TV Show DARREN: I don’t watch much TV, I get bad reception in the van. I usually watch my girlie tapes, but I used to love Mork & Mindy as a kid. Mork from Ork!


Favorite Radio Show DARREN: Whatever happened to Eddie Trunk? Favorite Record Shop DARREN: Best Buy in Edison, NJ. Do you know if Angela still works there? Favorite Piece of Musical Equipment DARREN: I dropped 700k on a DW Neil Peart Time Machine snare drum. I got it at a bargain from my friend Marty, but I had to sell my studio apartment to afford it. It’s got VLT (Vertical Low Timbre) which gives it a real nice crack, warmth, and bottom end. Plus, it’s got hand airbrush work, a reproduction of the very same snare Neil plays onstage. Custom copper hardware, a MAG throw-off system with 3P butt plate, 3.0 True Hoops, True Tone snare wires and Remo DW Heads. Favorite Music Video DARREN: I don’t have MTV. Best Purchase of the Past Year DARREN: Fleshlight. Best Thing I Did This Year Went on tour with the Silver Bullet Band. Well, I guess that was last year. What year did they elect Obama?

DARREN PLAYING DRUMS


DAN SUCKS

FUCK YOU DAN



IN CLOSING “GUESS WHO EATS TOGETHER AT THE CARNEGIE DELI... BOWSER FROM SHA-NA-NA AND ARTHUR FONZARELLI” -KATHLEEN HANNA

i hope this zine has helped you. i hope it finds a nice home alongside not only your maximum rock and rolls and your punk planets, but your moby dicks and catcher in the ryes and talmuds. this is something to be treasured and shared with not just in punkworld, but everywhere. NEVER THROW THIS AWAY. pass it on to someone. perhaps there is a youngling on the precipice of poser and punk. this book may be the thing that changes everything for them. what is next for BANANAZZZ? who knows. the film ends with me in a weird place in my life. perhaps i need to do some soulsearching. but fear not. i know i was put on this earth to be a punk messiah, and i will continue to interrupt your regularly scheduled monotony and shake things up as long until whenever, i dunno. if for some reason you are reading this and you HAVEN’T SEEN BANANAZZZ YET...get with the fucking times! the film shows what happens when an enigmatic genius says, “nice walls, i think i’ll RIP THEM DOWN” (referring to the walls that confine culture and the voice of the angry youth). follow craig (me), darren, mark and dan (ugh) as we go from new jersey to texas in efforts to change the world (and prove some stuff to my parents whatever). our band could rule your life and IT. FUCKING. WILL. evanhalen out.

ABOVE: me and my serious girlfriend of generally popular rock bands Vivian Girls and La Sera. #indiepowercouple #iloveyoubaby


WRITTEN BY BRETT DAVIS ADDITIONAL WRITING BY DARREN MABEE & SALLY BURTNICK LAYOUT BY KEVIN DURKIN THISISIRRELEVANT.COM Mark Portrait: Paul Ridenour Special thanks to Kate Sweeney, Kali Riley, Mark Bronzino, Dan Ball and the cast & crew of BANANAZZZ. For more information about BANANAZZZ including the film, additional writing and original music, visit: realBANANAZZZ.tumblr.com facebook.com/realBANANAZZZ TASE THE GRENADE.



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