The Pulse 12.43 » October 22, 2015 by Brewer Media Group

OCTOBER 22, 2015

CHATTANOOGA'S WEEKLY ALTERNATIVE

Travel guide visiting the georgia coastline, the show me state, and central america Jekyll Island » Missouri » Costa Rica

THEATER

MUSIC

SCREEN

SHAKESPEARE

SHELLSHAG

CRIMSON PEAK

HIP HOP

PUNKED

SINISTER

a t k i n h g t l y a B e e a ! l u r u t f i B VisitThe Incline,ForA Colorfall Escape.

Ride to the top of Lookout Mountain, walk to Point Park and shop & dine in beautiful St. Elmo.

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CHATTANOOGA'S WEEKLY ALTERNATIVE

EDITORIAL

Managing Editor Gary Poole Contributing Editor Janis Hashe

Contents

October 22, 2015 Volume 12, Issue 43

Music Editor Marc T. Michael Film Editor John DeVore Contributors David Traver Adolphus • Rich Bailey Rob Brezsny • Matt Jones Kelly Lockhart • Mike McJunkin Ernie Paik • Rick Pimental-Habib Alex Teach • Robin Ford Wallace

Features

Editorial Interns Brooke Dorn • Sam Hilling Cartoonists Max Cannon • Rob Rogers Jen Sorenson • Tom Tomorrow

4 BEGINNINGS: Barktoberfest and Meowlloween dress up Saturday.

Cover Photo Jekyll Island Club Hotel

6 AIR BAG: The coming human fallout from the Volkswagen scandal.

FOUNDED 2003 BY ZACHARY COOPER & MICHAEL KULL

ADVERTISING

Director of Sales Mike Baskin Account Executives Chee Chee Brown • Robyn Graves Linda Hisey • Rick Leavell Kyle Richard • Stacey Tyler

CONTACT

Offices 1305 Carter St., Chattanooga, TN 37402 Phone 423.265.9494 Website chattanoogapulse.com Email info@chattanoogapulse.com BREWER MEDIA GROUP Publisher & President Jim Brewer II THE FINE PRINT: The Pulse is published weekly by Brewer Media and is distributed throughout the city of Chattanooga and surrounding communities. The Pulse covers a broad range of topics concentrating on music, the arts, entertainment, culture and local news. The Pulse is available free of charge, limited to one copy per reader. No person without written permission from the publisher may take more than one copy per weekly issue. The Pulse may be distributed only by authorized distributors. Contents Copyright © 2015 by Brewer Media. All rights reserved.

The Autumn Travel Guide

It's time to start making your holiday travel plans, and The Pulse is here to help you with our inside looks at three intriguing— and quite different—destinations: Jekyll Island on the Georgia coastline, Missouri's St. Louis (and surounding areas), and Central America's beautiful Costa Rica.

The Bard Busts A Rhyme

If Shakespeare were alive and writing today, he’d be a rapper. Both Q Brothers, JQ and GQ, are convinced that the Bard, lyric poet but savvy man of his times, would use his gifts for melodic verse in a form that suits with the 21st century.

The Best Of Their Punk Selves

The Brooklyn duo Shellshag is the epitome of the D.I.Y. spirit, known in the rock underground for its inspiring punkpop bursts and hardworking, incessantly touring m.o. that has sustained the group.

16 ARTS CALENDAR 19 HALLOWEEN GUIDE 26 MUSIC CALENDAR 29 REVIEWS: Hamilton Co. Ramblers get it right, Skip Frontz, Jr. & Co. get it scary. 30 TECH TALK: Ambition brings fantasy sports mojo to sales management. 32 SCREEN: “Crimson Peak” isn’t horror…it’s something more sinister. 35 DIVERSIONS 36 FREE WILL ASTROLOGY 37 JONESIN’ CROSSWORD 38 ON THE BEAT: Expounding on the unending marvel of human stupidity.

Walk together. And we’ll Walk together. And we’ll Walk together. And we’ll

never walk alone. never walk alone. never walk alone.

Join Park Join us us October October25th 25thatatCoolidge Coolidge Park

MakingStridesWalk.org/ChattanoogaTN Join us October 25th at Coolidge Park MakingStridesWalk.org/ChattanoogaTN

MakingStridesWalk.org/ChattanoogaTN ne .

NEWS • VIEWS • RANTS • RAVES

BEGINNINGS

UPDATES » CHATTANOOGAPULSE.COM FACEBOOK/CHATTANOOGAPULSE EMAIL LOVE LETTERS, ADVICE & TRASH TALK TO INFO@CHATTANOOGAPULSE.COM

Dogbert and Bill the Cat, Perhaps? McKamey’s Barktoberfest and Meowlloween dress up Saturday Dog is man’s best friend, right? Halloween parties going on all So why doesn’t man ever take dog over Chattanooga, but we think out for a beer? that ours is unique because you If that bit of unfaircan bring your pets ness has been inflamto it,” said Amber ing your social justice Battaglia, McKagland, McKamey Anmey’s community imal Center has just outreach director. ROBIN FORD “You can go to the the fix: This SaturWALLACE beer garden and day, Oct. 24, you and bring your dog.” your dog are invited for an evening Nor are cats left out: The event of beer, food and fun as McKamey is also a “Meowlloween” party, celebrates its first-ever “Barktoand though cats are not invited berfest.” to attend physically—felines are “There will be a lot of Oktoseldom enthusiastic social mixers berfests and beer gardens and

News

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outside their own homes—festivities include a cat costume contest by photograph. Email your dressed-up cat pics to Jeff Wilhite at jwilhite@mckamey animalcenter.org by 4 p.m. on Friday. Costume contests for dogs and humans will be on-site and in-person. And if your ménage includes companion animals of the two-legged variety, Barktoberfest features plenty of free activities for children, including trick-or-treating and an outdoor Halloween movie. Barktoberfest/Meowlloween will take place on McKamey’s several acres at 4500 N. Access Road. “Behind our shelter, we have woods that we’ve recently built a path through,” said Battaglia. “We’re going to have the trick-or-treating for dogs and kids on that path, and the beer garden for the Barktoberfest is going to be in a yard next to our building.” Tickets for the Barktoberfest dinner und Biergarten are $20 apiece or $30 per couple. Kinder 16 and under may essen for an additional $5 each with purchase of an adult ticket. Showing off German is a theme you may expect to continue at the dinner, which includes schnitzel skewers, bratwurst, potato pancakes and—what else?—German chocolate cake. Reservations are encouraged and may be

made at McKamey’s website, mckameyanimalcenter.org or by calling Jeff Wilhite at (423) 305-6507 by 4 p.m. Friday. Wilhite says just showing up is fine, too. Battaglia stressed that besides the optional dinner and beer garden: “Everything else, the movie, the trick-or-treating, the costume contest, all of that is free.” Ticket sales, she explained, benefit McKamey’s treatment of animal-cruelty victims, which takes up a hefty share of McKamey’s resources. All recreational activities are from 5-9 p.m., but McKamey will offer special animal adoption prices all day long, from 11 a.m.-9 p.m. The usual $65 for dogs and $40 for cats will be reduced to $31 and $13. That includes spay/neuter, worming, shots, flea/heartworm preventative, microchipping and health coverage for the first month. What are you waiting for? Tell Bowzer, “Get your costume on, pal, we’re steppin’ out.”

Get ready for Fall with the best sippin’ whiskies in town. Plus plenty of other fine liquors to tantalize your tastebuds.

EdiToon by Rob Rogers

It’s the Great Pumpkin Patch, Charlie Brown! It’s time to come together again as a city and do what we do best— save a piece of our history and make sure many kids to come can have the same fond memories. Reviving the Pumpkin Patch Playground after 20 years of loving use will be no small feat, but we’re up for it. Chattanooga natives will understand the gleam in my eye when I mention the Signal Mountain Pumpkin Patch. As a kid who lived out in Collegedale, visiting that spectacular kingdom was a rare and privileged

event. There, I had the run of replicas of city landmarks like the Walking Bridge, and there were always plenty of other kids to play with.

IN THIS ISSUE

Janis Hashe Feature columnist, arts writer and Contributing Editor Janis Hashe has been both a staff editor and a freelance writer/ editor for more than 25 years. Her work has appeared in the Los Angeles Times, the Atlanta Journal-Constitution, AmericanStyle magazine,

The plan is to raise enough money to help a team of family volunteers renovate the site and hopefully add a few new structures. How can you help? Start by attending a Harvest Supper this Friday at 6 p.m. at McCoy Farm up in Walden, which will feature a bluegrass band and cooking by a local chef. Tickets are only available in advance through pumpkinpatchplayground.org, so make sure to buy yours in time to be a part of this piece of history. — Sam Hilling

Mike McJunkin Sunset magazine, and the international magazine Monocle, among many other outlets. She has a master’s degree in theatre arts, is the founder of Shakespeare Chattanooga and a member of the Chattanooga Zen Group. Her novel “The Ex-Club Tong Pang” was published in December of 2013 (we think it’s a great novel, but we may be just a wee bit biased). Pick up a copy today, and tell all your friends about it.

This week’s travel story on vacationing in Coast Rica is by longtime Pulse columnist and professional chef Mike McJunkin, a native Chattanoogan who has gained considerable experience with food through his obsessive habit of eating several

times each and every day. Along the way he has trained chefs, owned and operated restaurants, and singlehandedly increased Chattanooga’s meat consumption statistics for three consecutive years. He can tell you what balut tastes like, what it’s like to eat pork blood boat noodles on the streets of Thailand and how to cure bacon in a loft apartment. He is also quite active on Facebook at facebook.com/SushiAndBiscuits

Check out our great selection of wine, spirits & high gravity beer. Come see why we’re the liquor store with a smile...

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CHATTANOOGAPULSE.COM • OCTOBER 22, 2015 • THE PULSE • 5

“It's about style, not age”

Bleu Door Boutique 2040 Hamilton Place Blvd. Suite 136 Chattanooga, TN 37421 (Next to Southern Charm) (423) 805-BLEU (2538)

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Our car guy examines the coming fallout from the Volkswagen scandal This is exactly how Dieselgate hapWhether we realize it or not, we’ve pened. There were two immutable been benefitting from Dieselgate for facts: CAFE (and other standards years. When the modern TDi engine around the world) had to be met; was introduced, VW took a loss on each there was only so much one they sold—that you could ask if the was a $7,000 engine. TDi; and those were But to meet Corporate not compatible. The Average Fuel Economy DAVID TRAVER most appealing answer (CAFE) standards, esADOLPHUS became to change to pecially the new 2012process of getting from one to another 2016 rules, diesels made sense, as their and it would have worked, too, if it mileage went into the same pool as gas weren’t for those meddling researchengines. ers in West Virginia. Actually, it began In the US, however, there’s a loopwith meddling researchers in Europe hole called “self-certification.” As who came here to see why American the National Highway Traffic Safety Jettas and Passats were so much cleanAdministration (NHTSA) says, “It is er. the responsibility of a manufacturer of The six years since the infamous vehicles and/or items of motor vehicle software was first used have also seen equipment to certify that each motor diesel sales increase about 300 pervehicle and/or equipment item is in cent, and TDi Clean Diesel sales full compliance...The NHTSA does were up over 20 percent for 2014. We not issue approval tags, stickers or laall know the kind of jobs that’s creatbels for vehicles or equipment items ed, and the enormous investment VW before or after the first sale. In order has made in Chattanooga. to provide certification, the manufacEven though I consider myself an turer takes whatever actions it deems environmentalist, I haven’t been able appropriate…” to get too worked up about the polluHere are the rules—which you tion aspect of the problem. It’s bad for helped to develop—and we expect us, sure, but I’m not sure how much it you to follow them, including those bothers the average white oak. What in FVMSS 590, Motor Vehicle Emisreally, really bothers me is what hapsion Inspections. As an endless series pens now. of increasingly horrifying recalls (GM We know the engines can’t be killed at least 104 people with faulty “fixed.” They can be dirty and fast, or ignition switches) has shown, it hasn’t slow and clean, because “getting our ended up being a foolproof process.

Air Bag

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The Price for VW's Pride?

corporate offices raided” wasn’t going to be anyone’s first choice. Unlike GM, which sold just under 3,000,000 vehicles here last year and barely registered a blip in sales after the recall, VW moved about 367,000 cars. The 11 million diesels to be recalled globally are more than VW produced globally last year, so for a carmaker with a small American market share (Subaru had 140 percent better sales last year), this is an enormous blow. Last January, Martin Winterkorn promised a $7 billion investment in American production over the next five—now four—years. Well, Winterkorn just resigned. Everything is going to be on hold. Germany will start criminal proceedings if the recall doesn’t complete on time, and it won’t. I’m sure there’s a class-action suit pending somewhere and it’s not going to be a small payout. All that on top of what will be a huge, make-anexample-of-them PEA penalty in the multiple billions. This year’s sales are already down and continue to decline, and they’re going to take people’s lives with them. I don’t mean the 30 or so executives,

mostly in Germany, who are going to be implicated. I mean in communities not just here, but all over the world, where VWs are produced. Yeah, you bought a car, you got screwed on emissions. Does that hurt you, personally, in any way other than your sense of pride? Did it start a fire and burn your family to death? It did not. As far as driving then around goes,the cars are fine. Those who pay the price will be VW employees, when promises get broken and layoffs begin. Their suffering hurts not just their families, but the local coffee shop, their town’s tax revenue, ultimately all of us. The hell with the environmental damage. This is the real cost. I’m sure some people will pay, literally with money, for the white-collar crimes. But none of them will ever pay for their crimes against the people who actually make their cars.

“Germany will start criminal proceedings if the recall doesn’t complete on time, and it won’t.”

David Traver Adolphus is a freelance automotive researcher who recently quit his full time job writing about old cars to pursue his lifelong dream of writing about old AND new cars. He welcomes the inevitable and probably richly deserved kvetching about Airbag and anything else on Twitter as @proscriptus. CHATTANOOGAPULSE.COM • OCTOBER 22, 2015 • THE PULSE • 7

Autumn TRAVEL

The Jewel of the Georgia Coastline From millionaires' playground to family-friendly getaway By Kelly Lockhart Pulse contributor

top to slow down.” That’s the mantra of Georgia’s Jekyll Island, according to restaurant owner Dan Dickerson. “It’s what we tell people when they first come to the island to explain why everything is slower, more relaxed. It’s how we approach everything here.” Dickerson is the owner of the Driftwood Bistro, on the North end of the island, and has been in the restaurant business for several decades. Since opening the Driftwood five years ago, it has become one of the most successful and popular dining destinations for residents and visitors alike. From a clam bisque that will melt in your mouth and savory entrées such as Stuffed Flounder and Georgia Shrimp and Grits, to the best bread pudding you’ll likely ever have (a recipe handed down from one of his employees’ grandmother), the dinner-only restaurant is packed every night, six days a week (they close on Sunday). “It’s all about great food and great service,” he explains. “And here I think we have the best of both.”

Your welcome to Jekyll Island and the beginning of the causeway

AN ISLAND RENEWED, REVITALIZED AND RELAXED

The best of both is a theme that fits the 15-square-mile island perfectly. Home to one of the oldest settlements in the state, it was developed in the late 1800s by a group of some of the wealthiest men in the world (including names such as Rockefeller, Morgan and Pulitzer). Since the 1950s, the island has been a vacation destination for people looking to get away from the hustle and bustle of modern life. And while it did go through a down period in the past few decades, a renewed

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Driftwood Beach on the north end of the island

drive to modernize (especially the hotels and businesses) combined with a focus on creating a family-friendly environment, has

returned Jekyll Island to its once-prominent place among vacation destinations in the region. What makes Jekyll work is that it has combined affordable family vacations with high-end food and lodging. From beachfront hotels such as the Holiday Inn Resort (right on the Atlantic Ocean) to the Gilded Age luxury of the Jekyll Island Club Hotel (built by the millionaires as their winter home), you have your pick of places to stay to fit your budget and desires.

FROM CASUALLY DELICIOUS TO VERY FINE DINING And the food. Oh, the food. The Driftwood Bistro is far from being the only place to sate your appetite. Right on the main pier on the riverside of the island is Latitude 31 & The ‘Rah’ Bar, where you can eat steamed oysters and peel-and-eat shrimp under the stars or chow down on Dungeness Crab Legs or a big plate of Low County Boil inside the spacious dining room. (Not to mention enjoying a few adult beverages as well.) Or, if you want to sample some exquisite fine dining, the Grand Dining Room in the Club Hotel has a menu to rival any four-star restaurant. The Victorian-style formal dining room features tasty temptations such as Watermelon Gazpacho, Poached White Peach & Pear Carpaccio, Smoked Rainbow Trout, Fennel & Ginger Poulet Rouge Chicken, and, of course, Jekyll Shrimp & Grits. Naturally, there is a lot more to going on vacation beyond where you’ll stay or what you’ll eat. When it comes to things to do, Jekyll again does not disappoint. The Historic District is in many ways the heart of the island. It was here the millionaires built their clubhouse and cottages. Their version of a “cottage” is a bit grander in scale than one would assume from such a pedestrian word. These stately residences were each built to stand out (no two are even remotely alike) and have been repurposed over the years into a wide variety of lodgings, restaurants, wedding venues, shops, offices, studios and more.

“

A renewed focus to create a family-friendly environment has returned Jekyll Island to its onceprominent place among vacation destinations in the region.”

One of the best ways to experience the Historic District is by taking a carriage ride. Informative guides will take you on a horse-drawn ride through the entire district and back in time to an age when the wealthiest in the world made Jekyll their private paradise. There are also trolley tours where you can visit some of the cottages, as well as plenty of bike and walking paths for your own exploration. Speaking of bike paths, the entire island is served by miles of paved paths. Renting a bicycle (or bringing your own) to get around is highly recommended. Or if you want something a bit peppier, you can rent a “Red Bug” electric vehicle and leave your car in the hotel parking lot. A spectacular sunset over the western marshes

BIKING, FISHING, GOLFING...AND SEA TURTLES Another major destination is the Georgia Sea Turtle Center, where dedicated staff and volunteers monitor the many sea turtles that return to the island every year to lay their eggs. They also help rescue injured or sick turtles and nurse them back to health. You can tour the center and see the many turtles undergoing rehab, with your ticket fees going to help this very worthwhile cause. Vacation should mean relaxation (though a lot of people seem to have forgotten this), and if you enjoy fishing or golf, Jekyll has much to offer. The waters around the island are home to some of the best fishing in the

Southeast. You can book a tour with a boat captain, take a kayak and a pole into the marsh, or simply wade into the ocean and cast a line directly into the sea. No matter how you like to fish, Jekyll has something for you. The Jekyll Island Golf Club features three 18-hole course and one nine-hole course, set in the heart of the island. Indian Mound was created by Joe Lee in 1975, Oleander is a tightly designed course with short grasses and ocean breezes, and Pine Lakes was designed by Clyde Johnson to cater to all skill levels, making it the perfect family-outing course. And the granddaddy of them all is the nine-hole Great

Dunes, built by famed course designer Walter “Old Man” Travis in 1926 and laid out to reflect the island’s unique coastal terrain. If fishing or golf isn’t your cup of tea, there are many other things to do and see on the island as well: air boat rides, coastal expeditions, dolphin tours, mini-golf, and the Summer Waves Water Park, which features six water slides, a 500,000-gallon wave pool, and a half-mile-long lazy river. But the biggest draw of the island isn’t the food, the lodgings or the activities. It’s the pace of life. Over two thirds of the island remains undeveloped (and never will be, as the island

is actually a state park), which keeps things from getting overly crowded (as is common at other beach destinations). Everything moves slower on Jekyll. What traffic there is is slow, most people travel around by foot or bicycle, and the miles of beaches are uncrowded. (Make time to visit Driftwood Beach on the north end of the island.) We all live in a world dominated by deadlines, smartphones, schedules, and a “get there, do that NOW” mentality. Not so on Jekyll Island. This is where you have time to really relax and unwind. It’s truly where you go to stop...and slow down.

CHATTANOOGAPULSE.COM • OCTOBER 22, 2015 • THE PULSE • 9

Autumn TRAVEL

Show Yourself The ‘Show Me’ State Holiday time in Missouri is a true American classic

By Janis Hashe Pulse Contributing Editor

rack! One swing of the bat, and one of the most successful baseball franchises in history—the St. Louis Cardinals—has tied up the game. Well, the Cards didn’t make it to the World Series this year, and won’t be taking the field again for a few months, but a trip to St. Louis this fall or winter won’t be complete without visiting the St. Louis Cardinals Hall of Fame and Museum, where you’ll see mementos from the team’s long history, including the 1944 “streetcar” series, 11 cases showing off championship artifacts, many items from “Stan the Man” Musial, and a special section devoted to the Negro League’s St. Louis Stars. St. Louis Fun Trolleys can tour you through revitalized and beautiful 1,300-acre Forest Park and past the iconic Gateway Arch— where you can actually take a “Journey to the Top” to gaze out on the cityscape. Forest Park houses many attractions, but don’t miss the city’s Beaux Arts St. Louis Art Museum and its outstanding collection, including their extensive German Expressionist group and the huge and powerful Andy Goldsworthy “Stone Sea” sculpture. Admission is free. (Highly recommended while you’re there: Lunch at fine dining Panorama.) Art lovers visiting SL will also want to take in the Mildred Lane Kemper Art Museum, especially for its contemporary and conceptual works. And don’t forget the music. Celebrating its 20th year is the world-class Jazz St. Louis, one of the best spaces in the country to hear jazz while having a bite and a beverage in the Ferring Jazz Bistro. This season, you still have time to catch Poncho Sanchez (Nov.

Drum & Fife Band, St. Charles

4-7), Omaha Diner (Nov. 18-21), Sean Jones (Dec. 2-5), and Matt Wilson’s Christmas Tree-O (Dec. 16-19). Like our own Reflection Riding/Nature Center, St. Louis’s Endangered Wolf Center is doing its part to save and restore the magnificent and misunderstood hunters. Located about 20 miles outside the city, the Center protects and raises Mexican gray and red wolves, among other species. But whatever you plan to see, the stunning Cathedral Basilica of St. Louis has to be on your list. Its massive interior houses an absolutely breathtaking collection of mosaics, considered by experts to be the greatest display in the Western Hemisphere. ’Tis the season for the Vienna Boys Choir (Nov. 21) and Christmas at the Cathedral with the Sonos Handbell Ensemble and Frederica von Stade (Dec. 12 and 13). Hippest place to stay in the city: The Moonrise Hotel in the Delmar Loop neighborhood. Always busy, book in advance. For more information about all of these places, visit explorestlouis.com

ST. CHARLES: SANTA GETS THE GIG

Right across the bridge from St. Louis, you’ll find charming and historic St. Charles, where Lewis and Clark met to launch their famous exploration. The town’s Main Street is the place to be during the holidays, when “Christmas Traditions” fills the street with costumed performers, drum-and-fife bands, and special evenings and events at merchants and restaurants. (Suggestion: Before heading to Main

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Street, treat yourself to an outstanding meal at eco-friendly Prasino…don’t pass up a craft cocktail!) Chattanooga tech entrepreneurs will want to know about OPO (112 S. Main St.), the incubator housed in a restored 1918 post office and started by tech legend Randy Schilling. Like our own city, St. Charles has begun attracting a wide range of young, savvy professionals, who are drawn by the beauty and affordability of the area.

Artsy folks should stop in at Missouri Artists on Main (315-321 S. Main), where two buildings hold some very collectible pieces from artists all over the state. (Hotel tip: Fancy a little gambling time at the tables during your Missouri visit? Then the enormous and very modern allsuite Ameritstar Casino Resort Spa St. Charles is just the ticket.) For more information, visit historicstcharles.com

MARK TWAIN FOREVER!

Holiday times in St. Charles

The childhood home of arguably the most American of authors, Mark Twain, is a day trip from St. Louis. Hannibal boast three museum homes, jointly forming the Mark Twain Boyhood Home & Museum, and they are impressively laid out and curated. At certain times, you can see live performances at one of the museum house, including “Mark Twain’s Retreat” and “A True Story.” (Visit marktwainmuseum.org for more information and times.) The holiday season is especially lively in Hannibal, and this year

includes: 50 Miles of Art: Artisans in Hannibal, Louisiana & Clarksville, Missouri open their studios for a unique view into how their work is created. (Nov. 7, 8) Victorian Festival of Christmas: Horse-drawn carriages, carolers, holiday tea parties, beautifully decorated storefronts. (Nov. 28) Mark Twain’s 180th Birthday Party Celebration: His birthday is on the 30th, but the Museum is celebrating early. (Nov. 28) Second Saturday Gallery Walk: Be sure to stop in at Rails

County Clocks to view an amazing collection of clocks old and new, and Nancy Lee Kaufman Gallery for handwoven wearable art. Wander from gallery to gallery and enjoy special guest artists and food. (Dec. 12, 5-8 p.m.) Annual Downtown Living Windows: From classic to comic, strolling down Main Street enjoying these windows is something even the sometimes-curmudgeonly Twain would have liked. (Dec. 12) For more information, go to visithannibal.com

WINE, BEER AND GERMAN HERITAGE IN HERMANN Yet another aspect of Missouri is revealed in a day (or overnight) trip to Hermann, founded in 1836 by the German Settlement Society of Philadelphia, and believed to have been chosen because of the area’s resemblance to the Rhine Valley. Did you know that Missouri has become an increasingly respected winegrowing region? The original settlers grew wine vines in Hermann, most of which were pulled out during Prohibition, but now, thanks to the area’s renaissance, the hills are once again dotted with wineries, including nationally known Stone Hill Winery, with its 165-year-old arched underground cellars, four vineyards and fine-dining restaurant. Stone Hill specializes in growing grapes that flourish in the micro-climate of this area right along the Missouri River, including Norton and Vignoles. Like all the area wineries, Stone Hill is open for tours. One don’t-miss for wine buffs will be the seven-stop “Holiday Fare Wine Trail” on Nov. 21 from 10 a.m. to 5 p.m. Don’t despair, beer lovers. Of course there is a great option for you: The Tin Mill Brewing Company, right in downtown Hermann, and awash in yummy craft brews. Naturally, the Christmas season is one

“

Christmas season is one long festivity in German-heritage Hermann, so plan a visit anytime between Dec. 1 and 31 and experience parades, open houses and especially, the KrisHindl Markets.”

long festivity in German-heritage Hermann, so plan a visit anytime between Dec. 1 and 31 and experience “Christmastime in Hermann,” with parades, open houses and especially, the KrisHindl Markets taking place the first two weekends in December. For more information, go to visithermann. com The upshot is: No matter what your tastes, from baseball to jazz to Twain to wine, you’ll find it in the Show Me state.

Santa and the Mrs. visit Hannibal

CHATTANOOGAPULSE.COM • OCTOBER 22, 2015 • THE PULSE • 11

Autumn TRAVEL

Where The Wild Is Always Calling

Beautiful, bio-diverse Costa Rica is a nature-lover’s dream vacation

By Mike McJunkin Pulse columnist

knew the rain was coming. Of course rain was coming. It had rained almost nonstop every day since I arrived at the eco farm in the foothills of the Arenal volcano, El Castillo, Costa Rica. But what did I expect? We were in the rainforest and it was the beginning of the rainy season, or as the good folks at the Costa Rican tourism board like to refer to it: the “green season.” But this is why I came. It’s not often you get to stand in a primary rainforest, raindrops drilling down onto the canopy overhead, oversized leaves channeling water onto your face causing droplets to form at the end of a painfully sunburnt nose. My legs were aching and weak from crouching for what seemed like hours—although in reality, it was only minutes—to watch a procession of leafcutter ants haul bright green chunks of leaves carved from the surrounding foliage, each one the size of a mini-van compared to their tiny, herculean bodies.

Costa Rica's Arenal Volcano

ECO FARMING AND BIO-DIVERSITY IN EL CASTILLO I was having my own David Attenborough moment, standing alone, facing the sublime, subtle power of nature. In the distance the low grunts of howler monkeys gave me reason to not venture much further into the forest, despite my drive to push further down the narrowing dark corridor formed by encroaching ferns the size of oriental rugs. That moment marked the end of my visit to Costa Rica. My first few days were wasted wandering aimlessly around San José, the country’s spectacularly unremarkable capital before I escaped on an exceedingly affordable public bus headed for La Fortuna. There I hired a taxi

12 • THE PULSE • OCTOBER 22, 2015 • CHATTANOOGAPULSE.COM

Essence Arenal eco-farm in El Castillo

onward to spend the rest of my time at the eco-farm in El Castillo called Essence Arenal. The farm, and El Castillo itself, were pastoral and captivating to the point of being dreamlike. The landscape around Volcan Arenal is steep, with jagged hills covered in oversaturated green grass and astonishing biodiversity. Although Costa Rica is only about the size of West Virginia, it is said to possess the highest density of biodiversity of any country in the world. Approximately onefourth the country is a protected wildlife preserve, with habitats ranging from steamy tropical forests to upland moors.

FROM HOWLER MONKEYS TO SCARLET MACAWS TO IGUANAS The grunts and roars of howler monkeys and a chorus of insects ensured I never slept past 7 a.m., regardless of how much the Cacique Guaro liquor from the previous night fought to keep me down. A rooster-sized scarlet macaw would fly in from the forest every morning to eat sunflower seeds from the mouth of Martin, the resident vegetarian chef and self-proclaimed shaman. Spiny-tailed iguanas were as common as NYC street cats and ex-

otic birds drew photographers with appendage-like lenses to capture their improbable colors, patterns and shapes. The forest around the farm hosted flowers that reeked like rotting cadavers and tiny blood-red frogs whose toxins once tipped indigenous warriors’ arrows. One foggy morning I decided to go for a hike in the mountains. After a brief conversation in broken English with one of the farm’s interns I set off, confident in the directions I was given.

After climbing the main road that seemed to have been purposely cut steep enough to deter visitors from climbing it without rappelling gear, I veered off on what I thought was the trail recommended by the intern. An hour later I realized my “hiking trail” was actually a cow trail leading me through pastures, across narrow hilltop passes and through property guarded by horned bulls whose gaze cut through me like a serial killer off his meds.

“

Mike McJunkin hikes high above Lake Arenal

Bright blue, red and yellow birds swirled around me in small flocks and the air was thick, yet crisp and sweet. I will never forget that moment.”

BREATHTAKING ADVENTURE AWAITS But this was the most awe-inspiring part of my entire Costa Rican trip. After about an hour’s walk, I stood at the top of a ridge, the narrow cow trail cutting a one-foot gash across its lush green top like a angry pencil scrawl. Lake Arenal spread in front of me, unbroken by boat traffic, and painted before my eyes in dreamscape-like colors. Bright blue, red and yellow birds swirled around me in small flocks and the air was thick, yet crisp and sweet. I will never forget that moment. Having an adventure does not require ziplining at

over 100 kph dangling 200 meters above the forest— although I did do that. An adventure does not need to include swimming in brackish waters 50 yards from crocodiles (I did that as well). Adventure can be the breathtaking awe and sense of the sublime while standing in ageless forests basking in the exultation of being there…being a part of something bigger, being a part of real nature. Costa Rica did that, too. For information about Costa Rica, visit the Costa Rica Tourism Board’s website, visitcostarica.com

CHATTANOOGAPULSE.COM • OCTOBER 22, 2015 • THE PULSE • 13

ARTS SCENE

The Bard Busts A Rhyme ‘Q Gents’ at UTC is Shakespeare on hip hop...and a whole lot of fun

My, What Great Legs They Have CoPAC celebrates 22 years of pushing boundaries at BLT Since 1993, Barking Legs has been providing musicians, dancers, and other artists a stage on which to perform, and to celebrate, Contemporary Performing Arts of Chattanooga (CoPAC) has brought forth “The Day of the Legs. As a tip of the sombrero to the Day of the Dead, four seasonal altars will fill the lobby, where guests can pick up a treat as well as admire the visual artistry of the altars. Food, entertainment, and, of course, incredible artistic performances will bring the community together for an evening of celebration and reflection. Catch one or all eight of the evening’s performances, ranging in discipline from drumming, dance, and storytelling to comedy and musical improv. Only Chattanooga artists will take the stage, giving the event

a true community feel as the night explores its two themes: The first hour concerns ancestry, while after intermission, the second hour takes a turn toward examining “fear, death, and the morbid glee that art can find in those themes.” Doors open at 7:30, performances begin at 8. Advance tickets, $22, or $25 at the door. While this isn’t an age-restricted performance, artists have the freedom to create whatever they wish, so be aware that there may be adult content. — Brooke Dorn

“The Day of the Legs” Saturday, Oct. 24. Barking Legs Theatre 1307 Dodds Ave. (423) 624-5347 barkinglegs.org

THU10.22

FRI10.23

SAT10.24

TRUSTED LAND

DRIFTING ART

HEADLLESS

Lula Lake Land Trust Fundraiser

“Drifter” Opening by Timur Akhriev

“The Legend of Sleepy Hollow”

Help to protect and preserve the natural beauty and abundant resources within the Rock Creek watershed. 5 p.m. Flying Squirrel Bar 55 Johnson St. (423) 602-5980 flyingsquirrelbar.com

Russian-born Akhriev presents the culmination of a two-year contemporary collection of "choices made by young people." 6 p.m. Akhriev Studio 1405 Williams St. timurakhriev.com

Come see the original tale of Ichabod Crane and the Headless Horseman in this timeless classic. 2:30, 7 p.m. Chattanooga Theatre Centre 400 River St. (423) 267-8534 theatrecentre.com

14 • THE PULSE • OCTOBER 22, 2015 • CHATTANOOGAPULSE.COM

F SHAKESPEARE WERE ALIVE AND WRITING TODAY, he’d be a rapper. Both Q Brothers, JQ and GQ, are convinced that the Bard, lyric poet but savvy man of his times, would use his gifts for melodic verse in a form that suits with the 21st century. However, as Will has been gone for 400-plus years, the Brothers have stepped in to help him out.

Arts JANIS HASHE

“

Asked why they picked ‘Two Gentlemen’ for their current project, they responded that it evokes their high school years. ‘When have we ever been this stupid?’ says JQ. ‘High school.’ "

Their latest work, “Q Gents,” is the Patten Performances event this week and you do not want to have to say you weren’t there for the 75-minute-long show. In the “reimagining” of “Two Gentlemen of Verona,” the two male leads are now high school football stars at Verona College Prep “who learn a thing or two about love, learning and loyalty.” The Brothers (and they really are) came to Shakespeare through different paths. JQ says, “I was always a math guy in school and I liked the puzzle of figuring [the plays’ verse] out.” GQ, on the other hand, says that his reading disability caused him to pretty much loathe Shakespeare in school. But when he began training at NYU’s Tisch School of the Arts, he was asked to pick a couplet and fully explore it, both physically and vocally. “I began to hear it as music,” he says. Then he was required to create a team project, and, since he was already rapping at various places in New York, the decision was made to adapt “The Comedy of Errors”—which quickly became “The Bomb-itty of Errors” and was performed all over the world. The Q Brothers as a duo emerged with “Othello: The Remix,” which won Best Lyrics and Best New Musical awards at

Photos by Pete Guither, Illinois Shakespeare Festival

the 2012 Edinburgh Fringe Festival. “Q Gents” is still evolving, and both Brothers say they take what emerges in each performance and use it—including audience reactions and talk-backs. “We do get people who say, ‘Now I finally understand Shakespeare,” says GQ, “but we also get people who say, ‘Now I finally get hip hop.’” JQ adds that when the pair performed “Othello: The Remix” at the New Globe in London, “An 80-yearold usher came up to us and said it was one of the best shows she’d seen on the stage and that Sam [Wanamaker, visionary founder of the New Globe] would be proud.” “Q Gents” will eventually travel to London as well, likely playing the New

“An 80-year-old usher came up to us and said it was one of the best shows she’d seen on the stage and that Sam [Wanamaker, visionary founder of the New Globe] would be proud.” Globe’s brand-new indoors, 99-seat Sam Wanamaker Jacobean Theatre. Asked why they picked “Two Gentlemen” for their current project, since, after all, the two main male characters, Valentine and Proteus, could charitably be described as dorky, they responded that it evokes

their high school years. “When have we ever been this stupid?” says JQ. “High school.” Also, says GQ, they wanted a project that was as stripped down as they could make it. “I put on a hat, and that’s a costume change,” he says. “It frees up the words to really come to life.”

And the ’80s—the 1980s, that is— was an inspiration as well. “That was a great decade for cheesy high school movies: ‘Sixteen Candles,’ ‘The Breakfast Club,’ ‘Can’t Buy Me Love,’” he adds. “The show’s music is very ’80s-inspired hip hop.” But really, the Brothers emphasize, “You don’t have to like either Shakespeare or hip hop to enjoy the show. You just have to be into having a good time.” “Q Gents,” part of the ongoing Patten Performances series. 7:30 p.m., Thursday, Oct. 22, UTC Fine Arts Center, Vine & Palmetto Sts. Tickets and more information: (423) 4269 or utc.edu/fine-arts-center/ pattenperformances/q-brothers.php

Tennessee Valley Heart Walk Saturday, November 14 | AT&T Field Activities begin 8:30am; walk begins 10am

COMMUNITY TRUST

www.chattanoogaheartwalk.org CHATTANOOGAPULSE.COM • OCTOBER 22, 2015 • THE PULSE • 15

NOW till - Nov 1

ARTS CALENDAR

Thursdays through Sundays

THURSDAY10.22

Visit: BlowingSpringsFarm.com for hours and activity times. ...and on Fri & Sat nights in October, Blowing Springs Farm becomes Blowing SCREAMS Farm!

Saturdays & Sundays

in October

For more info call: 1.800.854.0675 or visit:

See RockCity .com

Homeschool Science Club 1 p.m. Creative Discovery Museum 321 Chestnut St. (423) 756-2738 cdmfun.org Ooltewah Farmers Market 3 p.m. Ooltewah Nursery & Landscape Co. 5829 Main St. (423) 238-9775 ooltewahnursery.com Highland Commons Farmers Market 4 p.m. 2000 Union Ave. (423) 838-8904 Red Bank Farmers Market 4 p.m. Red Bank United Methodist Church 3800 Dayton Blvd. (423) 838-9804 Nature Nuts: “Otters” 5 p.m. Tennessee Aquarium 1 Broad St. (423) 265-0695 tnaqua.org Lula Lake Land Trust Fundraiser 5 p.m. Flying Squirrel Bar 55 Johnson St. (423) 602-5980 flyingsquirrelbar.com Twice as Nice: Adult Studio Class 5:30 p.m. The Hunter Museum

16 • THE PULSE • OCTOBER 22, 2015 • CHATTANOOGAPULSE.COM

Chattanooga Games Festival of American Art 10 Bluff View (423) 267-0968 huntermuseum.org Chattanooga Storytelling Circle 6 p.m. Northgate Library 278 Northgate Mall Dr. (423) 870-0635 chattlibrary.org “Mystery of the Nightmare Office Party” 7 p.m. Vaudeville Café 200 Market St. (423) 266-6202 funnydinner.com Lincoln Center: Alvin Ailey, “Revela” 7 p.m. East Ridge 18 5080 S. Terrace (423) 855-9652

PULSE PICK: THE MIDNIGHT SWINGER The Midnight Swinger combines the style and cool of a '60s Las Vegas performer with the flash and excitement of a 21st-century Super Bowl halftime extravaganza. The Midnight Swinger The Comedy Catch 3224 Brainerd Rd. (423) 629-2233 thecomedycatch.com

carmike.com The Midnight Swinger 7:30 p.m. The Comedy Catch 3224 Brainerd Rd. (423) 629-2233 thecomedycatch.com

FRIDAY10.23 Chattanooga Games Festival 10 a.m. Chattanooga Convention Center 1150 Carter St. (423) 756-0001 chattanoogagamesfestival.com St. Elmo Farmers Market 4 p.m. Incline Railway 3917 St. Elmo Ave. (423) 838-9804 Boo in the Zoo 5:30 p.m.

Chattanooga Zoo 301 N. Holtzclaw Ave. (423) 697-1322 chattzoo.org “Drifter” Exhibit Opening by Timur Akhriev 6 p.m. Akhriev Studio 1405 Williams St. timurakhriev.com Fantasy Maze 6 p.m. Tennessee Riverpark 4301 Amnicola Hwy (423) 842-0177 hamiltontn.gov/tnriverpark “The Legend of Sleepy Hollow” 7 p.m. Chattanooga Theatre Centre 400 River St. (423) 267-8534 “Mystery of Flight 138” 7 p.m. Vaudeville Café 200 Market St. (423) 266-6202 funnydinner.com The Midnight Swinger 7:30, 9:45 p.m. The Comedy Catch 3224 Brainerd Rd. (423) 629-2233 thecomedycatch.com

SATURDAY10.24 Fall Festival/Craft Fair 8 a.m. The Galilean 8609 Walnut Rd. (423) 504-0714 Rocktoberfest

9 a.m. Rock City 1400 Patten Rd. (706) 820-2531 seerockcity.com Chattanooga Games Festival 10 a.m. Chattanooga Convention Center 1150 Carter St. (423) 756-0001 chattanoogagamesfestival.com Brainerd Farmers Market 10 a.m. Grace Episcopal Church 20 Belvoir Ave. (423) 698-0330 saygrace.net Chattanooga River Market 10 a.m. Tennessee Aquarium 1 Broad St. (423) 267-3474 chattanoogarivermarket.com Northside Farmers Market 10 a.m. Northside Presbyterian Church 923 Mississippi Ave. (423) 266-7497 northsidepresbyterian.org St. Alban’s Farmers Market 10 a.m. St. Alban’s Church 7514 Hixson Pike (423) 842-1342 Neighborhood Fall Festival 10 a.m. Grace United Methodist 9833 Hixson Pike (423) 842-5872 graceumcsd.org Spooktacular Home Improvement Fair 10 a.m. Chattanooga Neighborhood

Enterprise 1500 Chestnut St. (423) 756-6201 cneinc.org Harvestfest 11 a.m. Harvest Grocery 5414 Hixson Pike (423) 847-0200 harvestgrocery.com BARKtober Fest / MEOWlloween 11 a.m. McKamey Animal Center 4500 N. Access Rd. (423) 305-6500 mckameyanimalcenter.org Children’s Story Hour: Dog Edition 11 a.m. Star Line Books 1467 Market St. (423) 777-5629 Buddy’s BOO-Fest 11 a.m. Big Ridge Elementary 5210 Cassandra Smith Rd. (423) 316-5123 Chemistry Fun Day Noon Creative Discovery Museum 321 Chestnut St. (423) 756-2738 cdmfun.org This Old House Grand Opening Noon Cloudland Station 9832 GA-193, Chickamauga, GA (404) 297-4350 cloudlandstation.com Fall Food and Craft Expo 1 p.m.

LearningRx 2040 Hamilton Place Blvd., Ste. 780 (423) 305-1599 learningrx.com “The Legend of Sleepy Hollow” 2:30, 7 p.m. Chattanooga Theatre Centre 400 River St. (423) 267-8534 theatrecentre.com “The Little Prince” 2:30 p.m. Ensemble Theatre of Chattanooga 104 N. Tuxedo Ave (423) 987-5141 theatrecentre.com Symphonic Tales presents Oktoberfest: A Fall Harvest Celebration! 3 p.m. Downtown Public Library 1001 Broad St. (423) 757-5310 chattlibrary.org Pumpkin Smash Fall Festival 4 p.m. Crabtree Farms 1000 E. 30th St. (423) 493-9155 crabtreefarms.org Rock Climbing at the Walnut Wall 4 p.m. Coolidge Park outdoorchattanooga.com Knights of Columbus Oktoberfest 4 p.m. Knights of Columbus Hall 7615 Lee Hwy (423) 899-9989

ARTS CALENDAR

Pumpkin Smash Fall Festival

“Mystery of the Facebook Fugitive” 5:30 p.m. Vaudeville Café 200 Market St. (423) 266-6202 funnydinner.com Fantasy Maze 6 p.m. Tennessee Riverpark 4301 Amnicola Hwy (423) 842-0177 hamiltontn.gov/tnriverpark/ “Tales with a Twist” 6:30 p.m. Ensemble Theatre of Chattanooga 104 N. Tuxedo Ave (423) 987-5141 The Midnight Swinger 7:30, 9:45 p.m. The Comedy Catch 3224 Brainerd Rd. (423) 629-2233 thecomedycatch.com Christian J. Collier, Emily Joy: A Celebration of Spoken Word 8 p.m. Charles and Myrtle’s Coffeehouse 105 McBrien Rd. (423) 892-4960 christunity.org “Mystery of the Redneck Italian Wedding” 8 p.m. Vaudeville Café 200 Market St. (423) 266-6202 funnydinner.com The Day of the Legs 8 p.m. Barking Legs Theater 1307 Dodds Ave.

Named “One of the Ten Most Incredible Cave Waterfalls on Earth” -World Reviewer

423.821.2544 RubyFalls.com Open Saturdays and Sundays!

423.821.2544

RubyFallsZip.com

CHATTANOOGAPULSE.COM • OCTOBER 22, 2015 • THE PULSE • 17

Planning for your future is one of the most important steps you can take in your life. We are here to help you build your retirement plan. Join us Saturday mornings on Big 95.3 from 9am - 10am for planning advice for your golden years.

Chattanooga’s Greatest Hits

is looking for a few good

writers

Can you craft a compelling 650-word short feature or profile—and a longer, in-depth feature worthy of our cover? If so, let’s talk. The Pulse is seeking a few good freelance writers to join our stable of news, feature, music, political, fashion and arts writers. We reward our writers with fair pay and a showcase for their skills. If you’ve got the “write stuff,” we want your voice in The Pulse. Email samples of your best clips along with a brief bio to: creative@chattanoogapulse.com

ARTS CALENDAR

Whatever your goals, we can help you get there

River GORGEous Fall Color Cruise

(423) 624-5347 barkinglegs.org

SUNDAY10.25 Rocktoberfest 9 a.m. Rock City 1400 Patten Rd. (706) 820-2531 seerockcity.com River GORGEous Fall Color Cruise 10 a.m. (Cruise 1), 1 p.m. (Cruise 2) TN Aquarium River Gorge Explorer 201 Riverfront Pkwy. (423) 267-3474 tnaqua.org Chattanooga Market: Buskers’ Festival 11 a.m. First Tennessee Pavilion 1829 Carter St. (423) 266-4041 chattanoogamarket.com This Old House Grand Opening Noon Cloudland Station 9832 GA-193, Chickamauga, GA (404) 297-4350 cloudlandstation.com “Dracula” 2 p.m. East Ridge 18 5080 S. Terrace (423) 855-9652 carmike.com “The Legend of Sleepy Hollow” 2:30 p.m.

18 • THE PULSE • OCTOBER 22, 2015 • CHATTANOOGAPULSE.COM

Chattanooga Theatre Centre 400 River St. (423) 267-8534 theatrecentre.com “The Little Prince” 2:30 p.m. Ensemble Theatre of Chattanooga 104 N. Tuxedo Ave (423) 987-5141 Sunday Showcase 3 p.m. UTC Fine Arts Center Vine & Palmetto St. (423) 425-4269 utc.edu/fine-arts-center Civil War: Brown’s Ferry Walking Tour 3:30 p.m. Brown’s Ferry Federal Road Trail 700 Moccasin Bend Rd. (423) 752-5213 The Midnight Swinger 7:30 p.m. The Comedy Catch 3224 Brainerd Rd. (423) 629-2233 thecomedycatch.com

MONDAY10.26 One Step at a Time 6 p.m. Shepherd Community Center 2124 Shepherd Rd. (423) 855-2697 chattanooga.gov Sierra Club: Frogs & Toads of Tennessee 7 p.m. green|spaces 63 E. Main St. (423) 648-0963

greenspaceschattanooga.org Vintage Swing Dance 7 p.m. Clear Spring Yoga 17 N. Market St. (931) 982-1678 clearspringyoga.com

TUESDAY10.27 Chattanooga Doll Club 10:30 a.m. Grace Episcopal Church 20 Belvoir Ave. (423) 698-2433 saygrace.net East Brainerd Farmers Market 4 p.m. Audubon Acres 900 N.Sanctuary Rd. (423) 838-9804 chattanoogaaudubon.org Welcome Home Chattanooga Fundraiser 5 p.m. Flying Squirrel Bar 55 Johnson St. (423) 602-5980 flyingsquirrelbar.com Barry Moser : Talk and Book Signing 6 p.m. UTC Library 600 Douglass Ave (423) 425-4501 utc.edu/library Conversations with Local Filmmakers 7 p.m. The Camp House 149 E. MLK Blvd. (423) 702-8081 thecamphouse.com

“Chondra Pierce: Laughing in the Dark” 7 p.m. East Ridge 18 5080 S. Terrace (423) 855-9652 carmike.com

WEDNESDAY10.28 Middle East Dance 10:30 a.m. Jewish Cultural Center 5461 N. Terrace (423) 493-0270 jewishchattanooga.com Main Street Farmers Market 4 p.m. 325 E. Main St. mainstfarmersmarket.com Wednesday Night Chess Club 6 p.m. Downtown Public Library 1001 Broad St. (423) 757-5310 chattlibrary.org “Dracula” 7 p.m. East Ridge 18 5080 S. Terrace (423) 855-9652 carmike.com “Ghostbusters” 8 p.m. The Camp House 149 E. MLK Blvd. (423) 702-8081 thecamphouse.com Map these locations on chattanoogapulse.com. Send event listings at least 10 days in advance to: calendar@chattanoogapulse.com

the Pulse

Halloween Guide ringgold scares Don’t Be Fooled: The Haunted Depot Is quite Spooky

they speak The Spirits All Around Us: Chattanooga Ghost Tours

plus: haunted houses & halloween events WHERE TO GO, WHAT TO SEE, WHEN TO SCREAM

your weekly guide to chattanooga's favorite halloween haunts CHATTANOOGAPULSE.COM • HALLOWEEN GUIDE • OCTOBER 22, 2015 • THE PULSE • 19

Don’t Be Fooled: The Haunted Depot Is Spooky By Sam Hilling

Venture into the horror of an ominous alternate dimension. Can you withstand the terrors that wait inside the inconceivable Void? Go forth, if you dare with this warning;

Abandon every hope, all who enter the VOID….

Fridays and Saturdays through October 31st

BlowingScreamsFarm.com

271 Chattanooga Valley Rd. Flintstone, GA 30725 • 706-820-2531 >>>Due to the extreme nature of these attractions, parental discretion is advised.

20 • THE PULSE • OCTOBER 22, 2015 • HALLOWEEN GUIDE • CHATTANOOGAPULSE.COM

f you’re looking for a little bit of small-town spooky this October, Ringgold’s Haunted Depot is your place. Outside, the Depot has a harmless fall vibe going. The sounds of live music drift over a face-painting booth, T-shirt souvenirs, and a concessions stand with food and hot drinks. It’s friendly, casual, and best of all, not as crowded as the bigger haunted destinations. There are two options for hay rides—one casual trip out to a bonfire where visitors can relax, and one spooky trip that includes a guide who tells ghost stories as the truck makes its way around the dark town. If you’re going for the ghost tour, be sure to get there early. It’s in high demand, so tickets sell out fast. All in all, it seems tame enough. But inside is a very different story. The long line in front of the main attraction is proof of how well the

Depot has done with this year’s “insane asylum” theme. Even just standing outside the door, you can hear the revving of a chainsaw and distant screams. Anticipation is high as visitors file into the first room to watch a chilling introductory video—and then are launched into a terrifying maze that twists and turns through one scare after another. Ten animatronics and over 20 actors ensure someone is always waiting around a corner to give you one more scare. The Haunted Depot is open Friday and Saturday nights through the end of the month, starting at 7 p.m. each night and going until 11 p.m. It’s located at 155 Depot St. in Ringgold, GA, and has plenty of nearby parking for attendees. Ghost tours are $7 and tickets into the haunt are $8. Call (706) 935-3061 or visit their Facebook page for more information.

The Spirits All Around Us: Ghost Tours By Brooke Dorn

hattanooga has quite the supernatural history, and with extensive knowledge of local paranormal phenomena, Chattanooga Ghost Tours is ready to take you on a ghostly adventure. CGT offers two different types of tours: an informative walk or an investigative hunt. Looking for a more unnerving experience, I went with the hunt, a full-fledged investigation with ghost-detecting equipment, such as a periscope to pick up static energy, a temp gun to measure shifts in temperature, and a ghost meter that blinks red when EMF (Electromagnetic Frequency) is picked up. While our walk spanned 2.5 blocks, visiting four locations and picking up EMF at every spooky spot, our starting point was where the true test of my mental stability came into play. I’m not one to question things I couldn’t possibly understand, but going into the tour, I was unconvinced that my group would have any real contact with spirits…I

was wrong. From the moment our tour guide, Hope, began explaining the function of each piece of equipment, there was interference from something. Someone

else was on her mic. “Something’s playing with my speaker already…It’s gonna be a good night,” she told us. Our group huddled around Hope in the Read House courtyard, our ghost meters glowing red as a voice crackled through the speaker Hope used to communicate with spirits. The few skeptics left in the group had their suspicions quashed when a young boy in the group challenged the spirit, to which the voice replied with one word: “Liam”— the boy’s name. As in any city and its development, strange things have happened: a murder here, an unexplainable death there, but what’s truly mesmerizing is what is left behind. Whether you believe in ghosts or not, there’s something chilling about standing outside places like the Read House Hotel, knowing the rumors that circulate inside the walls and what haunts lie within.

CHATTANOOGAPULSE.COM • HALLOWEEN GUIDE • OCTOBER 22, 2015 • THE PULSE • 21

Haunted Houses & Halloween Events Acres of Darkness: Haunted Trail & Family Adventures Chattanooga Audubon Acres 900 N. Sanctuary Rd. (423) 892-1499 Fridays & Saturdays, through Oct. 31 Tickets: $15; $5 off for CAS members acresofdarkness.com Asylum’s CarnEvil 527 W. Inman Rd. Cleveland, TN (423) 473-9668 Oct. 23-24 & 29-31 Tickets: $10 Oct. 23-29 and $12 Oct. 30&31 Blowing Screams Farm 271 Chattanooga Valley Rd., Flintstone, GA Fridays & Saturdays through Oct. 31 Tickets: $16 blowingscreamsfarm.com Boo in the Zoo 301 N. Holtzclaw Ave. Fridays & Saturdays through Oct. 31 Tickets: $8.95 adults, $5.95 children, free ages 2-under Half off for members chattzoo.org Demise Haunted House 3801 Ringgold Rd. Fridays-Sundays through Oct. 31 Tickets: $20 demisehauntedhouse.com Enchanted Maize 271 Chattanooga Valley Rd.,

Flintstone, Ga Thursdays-Sundays, through Nov. 1 Tickets: $10 all ages, Free ages 3-under; $20 combo ticket blowingspringsfarm.com Fall Hayrides & Campfires at Cloudland Canyon 122 Cloudland Canyon Park Rd. Oct. 24 & 31 Tickets: $5 adults, $3 children, free 2 and under gastateparks.org Halloween Eerie Express 4199 Cromwell Rd. Oct. 23-24 & 30 Tickets: $22 ages 2 & up tvrail.com Halloween Spooktacular 930 Mountain Shadows Dr. Lookout Mt. KOA Oct. 23-24 Tickets: Rates Vary koa.com/campgrounds/ lookout-mtn-west The Haunted Barn 5017 McDonald Rd., McDonald, TN Fridays & Saturdays in Oct. Tickets: $20 all ages thehauntedbarnchattanooga.com Haunted Cavern Ruby Falls 1720 South Scenic Hwy. Fridays-Sundays in Oct. Tickets: $23 (Fri.), $25 (Sat.), $21 (Sun) hauntedcavern.com Haunted Hilltop

8235 Hwy. 58, Harrison, TN Fridays & Saturdays in Oct. Tickets: $20 for everything or $15 per attraction thehauntedhilltop.com Haunted Trail 257 Hwy 307 E. Athens, TN Fridays and Saturdays through Oct. 31 Tickets: $13 mayfieldmaze.com Lake WinnepeSPOOKah 1730 Lakeview Dr. Fridays & Saturdays in Oct. Tickets: $22 ages 3-54 lakewinnie.com/spookah Mystery Dog Ranch Haunted Ranch & Hayride 975 Wooten Rd. Ringgold, GA Oct. 23-24, & 30-31 Tickets: $12 mysterydoghauntedranchandhayride.com Post-Mortem Haunted Trail 200 Natures Trl SW Cleveland, TN Saturdays & Sundays through Oct. 31 Tickets: $15 teamtwiste5.wix.com Pumpkin Smash at Crabtree Farms 1000 E. 30th St. Oct. 24 Tickets: Free crabtreefarms.org Ringgold Haunted Depot 155 Depot St.,

22 • THE PULSE • OCTOBER 22, 2015 • HALLOWEEN GUIDE • CHATTANOOGAPULSE.COM

Ringgold, Ga. Oct. 23-24 Tickets: $15 for all ages cityofringgold.com The River Maze 1371 Hwy. 64 Cleveland, TN Friday-Sunday through Nov. 1 Tickets: $10 therivermaze.com Rock City Gardens’ Rocktoberfest 1400 Patten Rd. Oct. 24-25 Tickets: $19.95 for adults, $11.95 for kids seerockcity.com Shocktober Nights 490 County Rd. 67 Riceville, TN Oct. 23-24, & 30-31 Tickets: $16.50 tnpumpkinfarm.com Tennessee Aquarium’s AquaScarium & ODDtober Events 1 Broad St. Oct. 30 Tickets: $40 for adults, $30 for children tnaqua.org McKamey BARKtober Fest and MEOWlloween Party 4500 N. Access Rd. Oct. 24 Tickets: Free ($13 cat adoptions and $31 dog adoptions) mckameyanimalcenter.org Color Me Pumpkin Fun Run

285 Main St. Dayton, TN Oct. 31 Tickets: $45 adults, $20 youth rheaofhopefriends.org Trick or Treat at Hamilton Place 2100 Hamilton Place Blvd. Oct. 31 Tickets: Free hamiltonplace.com Trick or Treat at Northgate Mall 271 Northgate Mall Oct. 31 Tickets: Free visitnorthgatemall.com Trunk or Treat at Abba’s House 5208 Hixson Pk. Oct. 28 Tickets: Free abbashouse.com Trunk or Treat at Balance Studios 11 Peak St. Oct. 31 Tickets: Free thisbalance.com Trunk or Treat at New Salem Baptist Church 9806 Dallas Hollow Rd. Oct. 31 Tickets: Free newsalembalance.net Trunk or Treat at Oakwood 4501 Bonny Oaks Dr. Oct. 31 Tickets: Free oakwoodchattanooga.com

CHATTANOOGAPULSE.COM • OCTOBER 22, 2015 • THE PULSE • 23

MUSIC SCENE

Bringing The Best Of Their Punk Selves

Guitar Slingers To Living Statues Street performers from all over the city busk at the Market This Sunday, the Chattanooga Market is hosting a performance you won’t want to walk past. For the first time ever the city will have a “buskers’ festival,” where street performers of all types will come together in one place to play music, do tricks, and show off their many other skills. There are hundreds of talented performers on our streets, among them musicians, jugglers, dancers, magicians, and even mimes. You couldn’t possibly find them all on your own, so the Chattanooga Market is bringing them all together. The Market will be packed with performances of all different types, so you’re sure to find any particular act you might be looking for—and maybe a few you didn’t expect to find.

Normal Market activities will also go on as usual, which means you can still get your Sunday shopping done while you experience this event like no other. Entry to the festival is free, but make sure to bring small bills— after seeing these performers, you’ll want to leave a tip. The Festival takes place this Sunday starting at 11 a.m. in the Chattanooga Market in the First Tennessee Pavilion, 1829 Carter St. For more information call (423) 648-2496 or visit chattanoogamarket.com — Sam Hilling Chattanooga Market: Buskers’ Festival Sunday, 11 a.m. First Tennessee Pavilion 1829 Carter St. chattanoogamarket.com

THU10.22

FRI10.23

SAT10.24

RATTLING MUSIC

BOHEMIAN B-DAY

A VERY BIG VOICE

The Tin Cup Rattlers

JJ’s 9th Anniversary

She She Dance

The dynamic duo of Marcy and Jeff Paulson perform down-home, century-old soulful Appalachian music with talent and style. 7 p.m. Greenway Farm 5051 Gann Store Rd. (423) 643-6888

Come celebrate the ninth anniversary of one of the best (and most eclectic) live music homes with The Dead Deads, SoCro, Stoop Kids. 9 p.m. JJ’s Bohemia 231 E. MLK Blvd. jjsbohemia.com

If you've never seen She She Dance and in person, you are missing out on one of the highest-energy shows you'll ever see. 10 p.m. The Office @ City Cafe 901 Carter St. citycafemenu.com

24 • THE PULSE • OCTOBER 22, 2015 • CHATTANOOGAPULSE.COM

Shellshag will tear it up at Sluggo’s North on Wednesday, October 28

HE BROOKLYN DUO SHELLSHAG IS THE EPITOME of the D.I.Y. spirit, known in the rock underground for its inspiring punk-pop bursts and hardworking, incessantly touring m.o. that has sustained the group.

Music ERNIE PAIK

“

The group has special ties to Chattanooga, having been wholeheartedly embraced by the local punk community and being a highlight of the annual Do Ya Hear We punk festival.”

So what’s the key to doing it yourself, the right way? “Be friendly, be honest, be real and be appreciative,” said singer/drummer Jen Shag via email, in advance of the group’s Oct. 28 show at Sluggo’s North. “Even if you are the f***in’ bee’s knees, it’s a pretty special thing to be welcomed and hosted by a city and its music makers and lovers, so if you can’t see what a big deal it is for someone to put their energy into booking something for your band, then you shouldn’t be going to play their town.” Shag and her bandmate and partner, singer/guitarist John Shell, a.k.a. Shellhead, met two decades ago in San Francisco at Starcleaner, an art warehouse/ performance space, which now lends its name to the record label run by the twosome. Shell, who played in the group 50 Million, and Shag, formerly of Static Faction, began collaborating in the late ’90s before focusing on Shellshag around a decade ago, developing the band’s potent and concise style, prickly and charged, with welcoming melodic hooks. Shellshag’s explosive live shows feature the two facing each other using their trademark Y-shaped microphone configuration and Shag pounding her drums standing up, with sleigh bells attached to her belt. The duo is currently

WANT LIVE MUSIC? 2 VENUES • 2 SIZES

on a two-month-long tour supporting the album Why’d I Have to Get So High? released earlier this month on Don Giovanni Records and Starcleaner Records. “We opened ourselves up by inviting all of our talented friends to play on the record. We had so much fun doing it, and relinquishing control is probably how we grew the most on this album,” said Shag. “’90’s problem’ was mostly written in the studio by Shellhead, and without the late-night hangs with our friends while recording, it may not have been the opus it became. Pookie from Pookie and the Poodlez who sings on ‘Rattletrap’ calls it ‘Bohemian Shellsody,’ which sums it up quite well.” Recorded by Jerri and John of the group Vacation at The Lodge in Kentucky, the album features guest artists including Marissa from Screaming Females, Lil from Swim Team, Ava from Black Planet, Larry from Pretty Pretty and Peyton from Tweens. “Every song has a pretty intense story,” said Shag. “’RIP’ was written five minutes after learning our friend died. We talked about calling him the night before he died, but we didn’t, and I will never not call someone when I think to ever again because of it. He sparked this song, and sadly it applies to many friends we have lost along the way.” The group has special ties to Chattanooga, having been wholeheartedly

embraced by the local punk community and being a highlight of the annual Do Ya Hear We punk festival, and the band’s cover album F**k Society, Vol. 1 even features guest appearances from notables from Chattanooga’s D.I.Y. scene. “Our connection with our loved ones in Chattanooga formed over the last two decades in many cities,” said Shag. “Now, so many of our best friends who we have strong connections with live in Chattanooga, which makes it like a second home to us. Playing shows with our favorite bands from there and the local kids who are now adults always booking and welcoming us with open arms have made it a special place for us.” However, it wasn’t always that way, as Shag described a regrettable Chattanooga show in 1998. “50 Million at Instant Beer Pleasure, way too high, and pretty rude and dysfunctional, on Greg Rice Harvester’s birthday,” said Shag. “We played a freaky set of sloppy songs, fought with the owner and acted like asses, so much so that we spent did not return for a decade and spent 10 years apologizing to folks who came to that show when we would see them around the country. Our self-imposed ban of 10 years was over; we finally came back and put all our heart and soul into making up for that night by making sure we brought the best of ourselves to town instead of the worst.”

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Friday • October 23

Nine Year Anniversary Party!!!! The Dead Deads SoCro · Stoop Kids

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Tessla Rossa · Kip Bradley Side Effects

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MUSIC CALENDAR

Thursday • October 22

Life and Culture Dance Party

Bronze Radio Return

THURSDAY10.22 James Crumble Trio 6 p.m. St. John’s Meeting Place 1278 Market St. stjohnsrestaurant.com Rick Rushing with Dakari & Friends 6 p.m. Bluewater Grille 224 Broad St. bluewaterchattanooga.com Prime Country Band 6:30 p.m. Ringgold Nutrition Center 144 Circle Dr., Ringgold (706) 935-2541 Live Bluegrass 6:30 p.m. Whole Foods Market 301 Manufacturers Rd. wholefoodsmarket.com Bluegrass and Country Jam 7 p.m. Grace Nazarene Church 6310 Dayton Blvd. chattanoogagrace.com Jimmy Harris 7 p.m. The Coconut Room 6925 Shallowford Rd. thepalmsathamilton.com Jesse James & Tim Neal 7 p.m. Mexi Wings VII 5773 Brainerd Rd. (423) 296-1073 The Tin Cup Rattlers 7 p.m. Greenway Farm 5051 Gann Store Rd. (423) 643-6888

26 • THE PULSE • OCTOBER 22, 2015 • CHATTANOOGAPULSE.COM

The House Band 7 p.m. End Zone 3660 Ringgold Rd. (423) 661-8020 CSO: Brahms Requiem 7:30 p.m. Tivoli Theatre 709 Broad St. chattanoogaonstage.com “Q Gents” 7:30 p.m. UTC Fine Arts Center 752 Vine St. (423) 425-4269 Steady Breather 8 p.m. The Camp House 149 E. MLK Blvd. thecamphouse.com Open Mic with Mark Andrew 9 p.m. The Office @ City Cafe 901 Carter St.

PULSE PICK: A MAN CALLED BRUCE A Man Called Bruce is a one-man band playing original Swamp-OPhonic Roots, Rock and Blues. American music with an edge rooted in today's world. A Man Called Bruce Saturday, 7 p.m. Wheelie's Bar & Grill 742 Ashland Ter. (423) 710-8739

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FRIDAY10.23 Jason Thomas and the Mean-Eyed Cats 5 p.m. Chattanooga Choo Choo 1400 Market St. choochoo.com Eddie Pontiac 5:30 p.m. El Meson 2204 Hamilton Place Blvd. elmesonrestaurant.com Binji Varsossa 6 p.m. Cancun Mexican Restaurant & Lounge 1809 Broad St. (423) 266-1461 Jimmy Harris 7 p.m.

The Coconut Room 6925 Shallowford Rd. thepalmsathamilton.com Oh, Jeremiah, Parker Hodges, Corey Kilgannon 5 p.m. 711 House 711 Highland Park Ave. ohjeremiahmusic.com Tim Lewis 7 p.m. El Meson 248 Northgate Park elmesonchattanooga.com Bronze Radio Return, The Roosevelts 8 p.m. The Camp House 149 E. MLK Blvd. thecamphouse.com Voodoo Slim 8 p.m. Bud’s Sports Bar and Grill 5751 Brainerd Rd. budssportsbar.com Logan Murrell 8:30 p.m. The Foundry 1201 Broad St. chattanooganhotel.com JJ’s 9th Anniversary: The Dead Deads, SoCro, Stoop Kids 9 p.m. JJ’s Bohemia 231 E. MLK Blvd. jjsbohemia.com Jess Goggans 9 p.m. The Office @ City Cafe 901 Carter St. citycafemenu.com Three Star Revival 9 p.m. Clyde’s On Main

MUSIC CALENDAR

Amber’s Drive 122 W. Main St. clydesonmain.com

SATURDAY10.24 The David Dewhirst Project at Pets for Pink 11 a.m. Applebrook Animal Hospital 9504 Lee Hwy. (423) 238-7387 “Remembering Our Heroes” USO Show by Vintage Vocals 2 p.m. Barnhardt Circle Polo Field. Fort Oglethorpe, GA wwiiheroes.net Jason Thomas and the Mean-Eyed Cats 5 p.m. Chattanooga Choo Choo 1400 Market St. choochoo.com Eddie Pontiac 5:30 p.m. El Meson 2204 Hamilton Place Blvd. elmesonrestaurant.com Binji Varsossa 6 p.m. Cancun Mexican Restaurant & Lounge 1809 Broad St. (423) 266-1461 Tim Lewis 7 p.m. El Meson 248 Northgate Park elmesonchattanooga.com The Bright Light Social Hour, Fire Kid 7 p.m. The Camp House

149 E. MLK Blvd. thecamphouse.com Mark Kelly Hall & Summer Shyvonne 7 p.m. Talus Bar & Grill 812 Scenic Hwy., Lookout Mountain, TN (423) 602-5604 A Man Called Bruce 7 p.m. Wheelie's Bar & Grill 742 Ashland Ter. (423) 710-8739 Jimmy Harris 7 p.m. The Coconut Room 6925 Shallowford Rd. thepalmsathamilton.com Chris Young with Eric Paslay, Clare Dunn 7:30 Memorial Auditorium 399 McCallie Ave. (423) 757-5156 chattanoogaonstage.com Christian Collier 8 p.m. Charles & Myrtle's Coffeehouse 105 McBrien Rd. (423) 892-4960 Logan Murrell 8:30 p.m. The Foundry 1201 Broad St. chattanooganhotel.com Amber’s Drive 9 p.m. Puckett’s Chattanooga 2 W. Aquarium Wy. puckettsgro.com/Chattanooga JJ’s 9th Anniversary, 2: Pujol, Behold the Brave, Canopy 9 p.m.

JJ’s Bohemia 231 E. MLK Blvd. jjsbohemia.com She She Dance 10 p.m. The Office @ City Cafe 901 Carter St. citycafemenu.com

SUNDAY10.25 Buskers Festival 11 a.m. First Tennessee Pavilion 1826 Reggie White Blvd. (423) 648-2496 Dr. B and the Ease 11 a.m. Terra Mae 120 E. 10th St. terramaechattanooga.com The Long Haul 2 p.m. Cambridge Square 9453 Bradmore Ln. cambridgesquaretn.com CSO: Barnett & Company Cantata Series 4 p.m. Christ Church Episcopal 663 Douglas St. chattanoogabachchoir.org Hucks for Heroes Benefit Concert 5 p.m. AT&T Field 201 Power Alley smithandwesley.com Open Mic with Jeff Daniels 6 p.m. Long Haul Saloon 2536 Cummings Hwy. (423) 822-9775

Jesse Lawson: Chapter II 7 p.m. Cloud Springs Deli 4097 Cloud Springs Rd., Ringgold (706) 956-8128 Bryan Bowers 7:30 p.m. Barking Legs Theater 1307 Dodds Ave. (423) 624-5347 barkinglegs.org

901 Carter St. Inside City Café (423) 634-9191

Thursday, October 22: 9pm Open Mic with Mark Andrew Friday, October 23: 9pm Jess Goggans Saturday, October 24: 10pm She She Dance Tuesday, October 27: 7pm Server/Hotel Appreciation Night $5 Pitchers • $2 Wells ! • $1.50 Domestics

Wednesday, October 28: 8pm Blues Night feat. Yattie Westfield

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MONDAY10.26 Courtney Daly Band 6 p.m. Mellow Mushroom Hamilton Place 2318 Lifestyle Way mellowmushroom.com Southlander 7 p.m. End Zone 3660 Ringgold Rd. (423) 661-8020 Monday Nite Big Band 7 p.m. The Coconut Room 6925 Shallowford Rd. thepalmsathamilton.com Very Open Mic 8 p.m. The Well 1800 Rossville Blvd. #8 wellonthesouthside.com Tessla Rossa, Kip Bradley, Side Effects 9 p.m. JJ’s Bohemia 231 E. MLK Blvd. jjsbohemia.com

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TWO VENUES • TWO PARTIES

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MUSIC CALENDAR

HALLOWEEN SHOWS!

TUESDAY10.27

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11/6

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11/7

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11/8

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LETTUCE

11/12

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DREW HOLCOMB & THE NEIGHBORS

11/13

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ERICK BAKER

11/17

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JAMES MCMURTRY

11/19

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11/19

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11/20

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28 • THE PULSE • OCTOBER 22, 2015 • CHATTANOOGAPULSE.COM

Brunch Jam with Dr. B and the Ease 6 p.m. Terra Mae 120 E. 10th St. terramaechattanooga.com Bill McCallie & In Cahoots 6:30 p.m. Southern Belle Riverboat 201 Riverfront Pkwy. chattanoogariverboat.com Clarinet Choir Free Concert 7 p.m. First Cumberland Presbyterian Church 1505 N. Moore Rd. chattanoogaclarinetchoir.com Open Mic with Mike McDade 8 p.m. Tremont Tavern 1203 Hixson Pike tremonttavern.com

WEDNESDAY10.28 Eddie Pontiac 5:30 p.m. El Meson 248 Northgate Park elmesonrestaurant.com The Other Guys 6 p.m. SpringHill Suites 495 Riverfront Pkwy. (423) 834-9300 Tir Asleen 6 p.m. Cloud Springs Deli 4097 Cloud Springs Rd., Ringgold

The Suffers (706) 956-8128 Jimmy Harris 7 p.m. The Coconut Room 6925 Shallowford Rd. thepalmsathamilton.com Courtney Daly Band 7 p.m. End Zone 3660 Ringgold Rd. (423) 661-8020 Wednesday Night Jazz 8 p.m. Barking Legs Theater 1307 Dodds Ave. barkinglegs.org Blues Night with Yattie Westfield 8 p.m. The Office @ City Cafe 901 Carter St. citycafemenu.com General Bastard 8 p.m. Ziggy’s 607 Cherokee Blvd. (423) 265-8711 The Suffers 9 p.m. The Revelry Room 41 E. 14th St. revelryroom.co Shellshag, Basement Benders, Raging Nathans 10 p.m. Sluggo’s North 501 Cherokee Blvd. (423) 752-5224 Map these locations on chattanoogapulse. com. Send event listings at least 10 days in advance to: calendar@chattanoogapulse.com

Record Reviews

MARC T. MICHAEL

Quintessential Bluegrass, Hell-Raising Rockabilly Hamilton County Ramblers get it right, Skip Frontz & Co. get it scary

Hamilton County Ramblers Hamilton County Ramblers Gabbled Records

amilton County Ramblers is the debut, self-titled album by one of Chattanooga’s premier bluegrass ensembles, and it is a gem. With 11 tracks that run roughly 40 minutes, the band manages to cover some great old classics and some lesser-known traditional works as well. If bluegrass music is the quintessential Appalachian music, then Hamilton County Ramblers is the quintessential bluegrass band, combining superb technical skill with heart and passion to produce some of the most enjoyable “down

Skip Frontz, Jr. and His Left Handed Luckies Vicetown Viper House Records

home” music I’ve heard in a very long time. Thematically the album covers some familiar ground. Lost love and broken hearts abound in their sweetly sad rendition of “Cora’s Gone,” and “She Left Me Standing on the Mountain,” while the shoe appears to be on the other foot in the sprightly, “Wall Around Your Heart.” Bill Monroe is the undisputed father of bluegrass music and the Scots/Irish roots of the style he created are clearly evident in the opening strains of “Separating Hearts.” “I Hear

Ya Talkin’” takes a step in a different direction, exemplifying the best of Western Swing music. It’s easy to think of bluegrass as instrumental music, and the players certainly showcase their ability on the traditional tune, “Old Chattanooga,” but then turn right around and make the point that bluegrass is just as much vocal music on their a capella rendition of Stephen Foster’s “Hard Times.” This particular arrangement, with warm, rich harmonies, is a standout track on an album that seems to be comprised entirely of standout tracks. Josh Hixson, Roy Curry, James Kee, Jim Pankey and John Boulware are the Hamilton County Ramblers and their passion for and devotion to this fundamentally American style has resulted in a lovingly crafted compilation that belongs in the library of any lover of bluegrass, roots, Americana, or “Old Time” music. The album is available through CDBaby, iTunes, Amazon and the Hamilton County Ramblers website.

kip Frontz, Jr., well known for his work with the critically lauded 9th Street Stompers, has a new project and a new album. Skip Frontz, Jr. and His Left Handed Luckies is the project, Vicetown is the album, and it is the musical equivalent of white lightning: homegrown, deceptively powerful and liable to make you scream, stomp and possibly run around naked. The title track (scheduled for release as the first single) comes roaring out of the gate with a frenetic intensity that makes the Reverend Horton Heat look a little tame by comparison. Screaming horns, a classic rockabilly guitar and a drum beat that sounds like the drummer is half-man, half-machine gun, all set the stage for breathless lyrics describing a place where being bad is good and being worse is better. Welcome to Vicetown. “12 Gauge Love Affair” is slated to be the B-Side release to “Vicetown” and the reason why is readily apparent. A slow, low-key, murder ballad, the tune is downright eerie.

The lead instrument is a lap steel guitar but the effect is more like a theremin and when it weaves and winds its way through the heavy tremolo of the rhythm, the result is pure magic. The imagery is wicked, spinning a tale of Ouija boards, possession, a grisly murder and a derelict old shack (and a relationship) “destined to fall” where a “12 gauge love affair painted the wall.” As near-perfect as the tune already is, it’s the haunting vocal of Samantha Brotherton (Sampire) that is the pièce de résistance. This darkly themed single is appropriately scheduled for release on Halloween through skipfrontzjr.com, which should make for some gloriously hellraising good fun that night. The rest of the album will follow in December with eight additional tracks, including the crowd favorite “Axeman of New Orleans,” featuring the 9th Street Stompers and personal favorite, “Black Widow Stomp,” a foray into some truly raunchy, overdriven Tex-Mex boogie.

Follow The Pulse on Facebook (we’re quite likeable) www.facebook.com/chattanoogapulse CHATTANOOGAPULSE.COM • OCTOBER 22, 2015 • THE PULSE • 29

Show Me the Selling! Ambition brings fantasy sports mojo to sales management What does selling look like? Maybe your internal Netflix shows you any of a thousand cheesy depictions of used-car wheeler dealers you’ve surely seen over the years. Or the lineup of talking heads at the Republican presidential debate trying not to look like they were selling used cars. But what does selling RICH look like to the sellers? And to their sales managers? (Alec Baldwin’s speeches in “Glengarry Glen Ross” don’t count—most sales managers aren’t quite that ruthless. I think.) That’s the territory staked out by Ambition, a Lamp Post Group startup that’s gotten a lot of traction quickly. This month, it won Startup of the Year at Startup Week, and it’s up for the Chamber of Commerce Spirit of Innovation Award in November. Visualizing the sales process is not a trivial problem for businesses. It’s at the heart of managing and motivating sales people as they execute a surprisingly intangible activity. What they do all day is fairly concrete: calls, lunches, proposals. But how all that relates to success can be as slippery as a basket of eels. Ambition (the company and its product share the name) is a sales performance management and gamification platform. Companies subscribe to

the software service, which syncs with a variety of data sources, such as customer relationship management systems, sales information management systems, outbound calls, orders, and more. All this data on activity and objectives is pulled into Ambition. “We make it very, very simple for leadership of the sales orgaBAILEY nization to set goals, benchmarks, expectations, and not only track those in real time by having live looks at how people are doing, but also create recognition, competition, contests and real-time analytics for any sales role, any sales group in the company,” says Brian Trautschold, one of Ambition’s cofounders and its chief operating officer. According to Trautschold, several competitors deliver one or two slices of what Ambition serves up—competition, leader board displays, predictive analytics based on metrics, tracking multiple data sources— but no one offers the whole pie. “Ambition is pretty compelling, doing all that at once—the brain that analyzes the metrics, the connector that gets the metrics, the toolkit for managers to try to incentivize or create competition around metrics and goals,” he says. The company began as a simple idea—”fantasy football for sales.”

Tech Talk

30 • THE PULSE • OCTOBER 22, 2015 • CHATTANOOGAPULSE.COM

“A year later, the company has almost 20 employees and over 75 customers, including Fortune 500 companies, and has been used by individuals all over the world.”

Rich Bailey is a professional writer, editor and (sometimes) PR consultant. He led a project to create Chattanooga’s first civic web site in 1995 before even owning a modem. Now he covers Chattanooga technology for The Pulse and blogs about it at CircleChattanooga.com. He splits his time between Chattanooga and Brooklyn.

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Trautshold and cofounders Jared Houghton, Travis Truett and Wes Kendall had reached the end of another Lamp Post startup called Fireplug that had some success but had plateaued. They wanted to use what they had learned about gamification, which Trautshold defines as “using game mechanics to encourage specific behavior and incentives to do x or y, for z reasons.” Through Lamp Post, the cofounders secured a pilot client in Access America, the logistics startup that preceded and helped fund Lamp Post, and whose sales force needed some help. “Access America, to their credit, had a very good understanding of what looked like success in terms of the metrics, but they did not have a good way to track it and no real way to track in real time whatsoever,” says Trautschold. Ambition was founded in February 2013 with one pilot customer and no product, but an idea of how to make sales management more engaging. “We had this idea of how to do it, making it a more fun experience, making it very visually engaging for reps, putting it down to a personal level so they can see where they stand versus their peers, versus their specific sales goals and targets,” says Trautschold. By summer 2013, the product existed, and by the end of the year there were three or four pilot customers. In 2014, Ambition was accepted into Y

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SCREEN SCENE

Whispering A Gothic Tale In Your Dreams “Crimson Peak” isn’t horror… it’s something far more sinister

Dracula: The Original Vampire Bela Lugosi's legendary performance returns to theaters The plot remains simple: Ancient vampire Count Dracula arrives in England and begins to prey upon the virtuous young Mina. So what’s better for the Halloween season that seeing Bela Lugosi’s legendary turn as the legendary Dracula on the big screen? How about not one, but two, versions of the enduring classic? Carmike Cinemas teams up with Turner Classic Movies and Universal Pictures to present a double feature of the classic 1931 vampire film “Dracula” to cinemas nationwide

✴✴✴✴

for a two-day event on Sunday, Oct. 25 and Wednesday, Oct 28. Along with the iconic Bela Lugosi version, horror fans will have the opportunity to see the rarely seen Spanish-language version shot at night with a different cast. TCM Presents: Dracula Sunday, Oct. 25, 2 p.m. Wednesday, Oct. 28, 7 p.m. Carmike East Ridge 18 5080 S. Terrace (423) 855-9652 carmike.com/events

NEW IN THEATERS

Steve Jobs Set backstage at three iconic product launches and ending in 1998 with the unveiling of the iMac, Steve Jobs takes us behind the scenes of the digital revolution to paint a portrait of the man. Director: Danny Boyle Stars: Michael Fassbender, Kate Winslet, Seth Rogen, Jeff Daniels

✴✴✴✴

Jem and the Holograms As a small-town girl catapults from underground video sensation to global superstar, she and her three sisters begin a journey of discovering that some talents are too special to keep hidden. Director: Jon M. Chu Stars: Aubrey Peeples, Stefanie Scott, Aurora Perrineau, Hayley Kiyoko

32 • THE PULSE • OCTOBER 22, 2015 • CHATTANOOGAPULSE.COM

HE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN GOTHIC AND HORROR stories is found in the stylistic treatment of the theme. A horror story is meant to shock in a powerful, visceral sense. It tears at the senses, stops the heart, and screams into the void.

Screen JOHN DEVORE

“

The images of the film will stay with you long after the details of the plot fade from memory. Weeks from now, you may wonder why the patches of snow in your dreams have deep shades of red.”

A Gothic story always suggests more than insists. It simply creeps at the edges of the sensible, lingers the hallways of darkness, and whispers an unsettling truth in ears of the audience. In short, the horror story is interested in showing with action whereas the Gothic focuses on hinting with the setting. That the Gothic genre has found a peculiar home in the southern United States should not be surprising—the similarities between the South and Victorian England are vast. Each has a troubled past filled with crumbling manors, taboo familial relations, and violent aristocracies. Each has a society based on strict rules of conduct and a devotion to keeping up appearances. The Gothic was not born here, but it was enthusiastically adopted by writers like Flannery O’Connor and Truman Capote. “Crimson Peak” is not Southern. It was directed by horror master Guillermo del Toro and stars actors from around the globe. However, fans of the genre will find nearly every element common in the Gothic story represented in the film, from unhinged families to unexplained illnesses to unsolved mysteries dripping with dramatic irony. Death and despondency are on hand for an ex-

cellent October ghost story. “Crimson Peak” is being advertised as a horror film, but in reality the film is far from it. Director del Toro billed his latest film as a “Gothic romance,” meaning that ghosts in the film are merely incidental to the greater story. As heroine Edith Cushing (Mia Wasikowska) would tell you, the ghosts are metaphors for the sins of the past. Edith is an aspiring writer and daughter of wealthy self-made businessman Carter Cushing (perpetual 19th-century American Jim Beaver). She believes in ghosts due to an unfortunate childhood experience of an unannounced visitation by her recently deceased mother, who warns her to “Beware Crimson Peak!” without giving her context for the warning. (It seems supernatural beings tend to collectively speak in vague riddles. A two-minute explanation could often save many a character from a world of grief.) Many years later, Edith is courted by Baronet Thomas Sharp (Tom Hiddleston), who is in America with his sister seeking funding for his clay-mining machinery. The Sharp siblings are cursed with a failing legacy built on the remains of red clay, which seeps through the ground and crevices of their collapsing home, Allerdale Hall. Through a series of ill-fated events, Edith ends up married to Sharp and living within the decayed walls of Allerdale, where secrets and misery reign and breathe with each gust of the east wind. Such a film might seem strained in the hands of another director, but because Guillermo del Toro is such a capable filmmaker, “Crimson Peak” is a wonder to behold. Every scene is breathtaking in its beauty. Ordinarily, my interest is in strong, engaging stories that take no shortcuts in developing the narrative. By that measure, “Crimson Peak” is mediocre at best. However, the artistry on display serves to enhance the story so much that the overwrought Gothic clichés fit perfectly with the story’s tone. There is a distinct, captivating elegance to each camera angle.

If a Gothic story is meant to be developed by setting, plot contrivance can be easily forgiven when the sets are designed in such exquisite detail. I have yet to see a film by del Toro that I haven’t fallen in love with. For this reason, I would encourage any fan of film to see “Crimson Peak.” It is not horror. It is not scary, in the sense that men with chainsaws leap from dark corners wearing the skin of their victims. It is meant

to unsettle, to prick at the back of your mind, to make you wonder about the creaking of a stair or the moaning of the wind. The images of the film will stay with you long after the details of the plot fade from memory. Weeks from now, you may wonder why the patches of snow in your dreams have deep shades of red. Guillermo Del Toro will know.

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Consider This with Dr. Rick by Rick Pimental-Habib, Ph.D. “If you feel lost, disappointed, hesitant, or weak, return to yourself, to who you are, here and now and when you get there, you will discover yourself, like a lotus in full bloom, even in a muddy pond, beautiful and strong.” — Masaru Emoto Sometimes we get lost. We find ourselves far away from anything that feels familiar and true. Following paths that are not our own, seeking wholeness in all the wrong places, and ignoring the whispers of our own longings. Perhaps it happens to everyone at some point in life. Too many distractions. The pursuit of a career that sacrifices too much soul and forgetting to pay attention to the true wants in life. Getting stuck in a pattern of looking after everyone else’s needs. Dismissing one’s own inner wisdom. Following a patriarchal religion that simply doesn’t fit. Ponder: Where are you? And what do you need in order to come back to yourself, to honor your path even if it feels like the hardest thing in the world to do? CHATTANOOGAPULSE.COM • OCTOBER 22, 2015 • THE PULSE • 35

Free Will Astrology

“

Homework: Send pictures of your favorite scarecrows or descriptions of your dreams of protection to me at Truthrooster@ gmail.com.

Rob Brezsny is an aspiring master of curiosity, perpetrator of sacred uproar, and founder of the Beauty and Truth Lab. He brings a literate, myth-savvy perspective to his work. It’s all in the stars.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): More than any other sign, you have an ability to detach yourself from life’s flow and analyze its complexities with cool objectivity. This is mostly a good thing. It enhances your power to make rational decisions. On the other hand, it sometimes devolves into a liability. You may become so invested in your role as observer that you refrain from diving into life’s flow. You hold yourself apart from it, avoiding both its messiness and vitality. But I don’t foresee this being a problem in the coming weeks. In fact, I bet you will be a savvy watcher even as you’re almost fully immersed in the dynamic flux. SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Are you an inventor? Is it your specialty to create novel gadgets and machines? Probably not. But in the coming weeks you may have metaphorical resemblances to an inventor. I suspect you will have an enhanced ability to dream up original approaches and find alternatives to conventional wisdom. You may surprise yourself with your knack for finding ingenious solutions to longstanding dilemmas. To prime your instincts, I’ll provide three thoughts from inventor Thomas Edison. 1. “To invent, you need a good imagination and a pile of junk.” 2. “Just because something doesn’t do what you planned it to do doesn’t mean it’s useless.” 3. “Everything comes to those who hustle while they wait.” SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Some unraveling is inevitable. What has been woven together must now be partially unwoven. But please refrain from thinking of this mysterious development as a setback. Instead, consider it an opportunity to reexamine and redo any work that was a bit hasty or sloppy. Be glad you will get a second chance to fix and refine what wasn’t done quite right the first time. In fact, I suggest you preside over the unraveling yourself. Don’t wait for random fate to accomplish it. And for best results, formulate an intention to regard everything that transpires as a blessing.

36 • THE PULSE • OCTOBER 22, 2015 • CHATTANOOGAPULSE.COM

ROB BREZSNY

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): “A waterfall would be more impressive if it flowed the other way,” said Irish author Oscar Wilde. I appreciate the wit, but don’t agree with him. A plain old ordinary waterfall, with foamy surges continually plummeting over a precipice and crashing below, is sufficiently impressive for me. What about you, Capricorn? In the coming days, will you be impatient and frustrated with plain old ordinary marvels and wonders? Or will you be able to enjoy them just as they are? AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Years ago, I moved into a rental house with my new girlfriend, whom I had known for six weeks. As we fell asleep the first night, a song played in my head: “Nature’s Way,” by the band Spirit. I barely knew it and had rarely thought of it before. And yet there it was, repeating its first line over and over: “It’s nature’s way of telling you something’s wrong.” Being a magical thinker, I wondered if my unconscious mind was telling me a secret about my love. But I rejected that possibility; it was too painful to contemplate. When we broke up a few months later, however, I wished I had paid attention to that early alert. I mention this, Aquarius, because I suspect your unconscious mind will soon provide you with a wealth of useful information, not just through song lyrics but other subtle signals, as well. Listen up! At least some of it will be good news, not cautionary like mine. PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): When I advise you to GET NAKED, I don’t mean it in a literal sense. Yes, I will applaud if you’re willing to experiment with brave acts of selfrevelation. I will approve of you taking risks for the sake of the raw truth. But getting arrested for indecent exposure might compromise your ability to carry out those noble acts. So, no, don’t actually take off all your clothes and wander through the streets. Instead, surprise everyone with brilliant acts of surrender and vulnerability. Gently and sweetly and poetically tell the

Purveyors of Unholy Repression to take their boredom machine and shove it up their humdrum. ARIES (March 21-April 19): According to the online etymological dictionary, the verb “fascinate” entered the English language in the 16th century. It was derived from the Middle French fasciner and the Latin fascinatus, which are translated as “bewitch, enchant, put under a spell.” In the 19th century, “fascinate” expanded in meaning to include “delight, attract, hold the attention of.” I suspect you will soon have experiences that could activate both senses of “fascinate.” My advice is to get the most out of your delightful attractions without slipping into bewitchment. Is that even possible? It will require you to exercise fine discernment, but yes, it is. TAURUS (April 20-May 20): One of the largest machines in the world is a “bucket wheel excavator” in Kazakhstan. It’s a saw that weighs 45,000 tons and has a blade the size of a four-story building. If you want to slice through a mountain, it’s perfect for the job. Indeed, that’s what it’s used for over in Kazakhstan. Right now, Taurus, I picture you as having a metaphorical version of this equipment. That’s because I think you have the power to rip open a clearing through a massive obstruction that has been in your way. GEMINI (May 21-June 20): Filmmaker Alfred Hitchcock did a daily ritual to remind him of life’s impermanence. After drinking his tea each morning, he flung both cup and saucer over his shoulder, allowing them to smash on the floor. I don’t recommend that you adopt a comparable custom for long-term use, but it might be healthy and interesting to do so for now. Are you willing to outgrow and escape your old containers? Would you consider diverging from formulas that have always worked for you? Are there any unnecessary taboos that need to be broken? Experiment with the possible blessings that might come by not clinging to the illusion of “permanence.”

CANCER (June 21-July 22): Terence was a comic playwright in ancient Rome. He spoke of love in ways that sound modern. It can be capricious and weird, he said. It may provoke indignities and rouse difficult emotions. Are you skilled at debate? Love requires you to engage in strenuous discussions. Peace may break out in the midst of war, and vice versa. Terence’s conclusion: If you seek counsel regarding the arts of love, you may as well be asking for advice on how to go mad. I won’t argue with him. He makes good points. But I suspect that in the coming weeks you will be excused from most of those crazy-making aspects. The sweet and smooth sides of love will predominate. Uplift and inspiration are more likely than angst and bewilderment. Take advantage of the grace period! Put chaos control measures in place for the next time Terence’s version of love returns. LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): In the coming weeks, you will have a special relationship with the night. When the sun goes down, your intelligence will intensify, as will your knack for knowing what’s really important and what’s not. In the darkness, you will have an enhanced capacity to make sense of murky matters lurking in the shadows. You will be able to penetrate deeper than usual, and get to the bottom of secrets and mysteries that have kept you offbalance. Even your grimy fears may be transformable if you approach them with a passion for redemption. VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): New friends and unexpected teachers are in your vicinity, with more candidates on the way. There may even be potential comrades who could eventually become flexible collaborators and catalytic guides. Will you be available for the openings they offer? Will you receive them with fire in your heart and mirth in your eyes? I worry that you may not be ready if you are too preoccupied with old friends and familiar teachers. So please make room for surprises.

Jonesin’ Crossword

MATT JONES

“Go for It”—and don’t stop solving. ACROSS 1 Longtime “American Top 40” host Casey 6 “Electric Avenue” singer Grant 10 Baby horse 14 Fuji, e.g. 15 Medieval address 16 “Yikes!” 17 Comic ___ C.K. 18 Stir-fry vegetables 19 Sticker word on an avocado, maybe 20 Paid athletes visiting two similarlynamed African countries? 23 Prom rental 24 Cookie with a seasonal Pumpkin Spice variety 25 Grads-to-be, briefly 28 Mountain top 31 Actor Fillion 35 E! News host Sadler 37 Faucet stealer’s job? 39 “Dies ___” (“Day of Wrath”) 40 Pharmaceutical purveyor ___ Lilly 41 Brickell with the New Bohemians

42 “Them” versus “Arachnophobia” showdown? 46 Anyone able to rattle off more than 10 digits of pi, probably 47 Ballpoint relative 48 Five-card game 50 Bit of sunshine 51 “Free Willy” creature 53 Rapper with the 2008 hit “Paper Planes” 55 Chopping weapon for Ares or Mars? 61 One of the Three Bears 62 Craft some try to reverse-engineer, in the movies 63 Breakfast order with a hole in it 65 Walkie-talkie message ender 66 Billion : giga :: trillion : ___ 67 Former “Weekend Edition” host Hansen 68 Refuse to believe 69 Word with rash or lamp 70 “Here we are as

in ___ days ...” DOWN 1 Actor Penn of the “Harold & Kumar” films 2 Each 3 Boot jangler 4 “Cats” lyricist T.S. 5 Make a mistake 6 “SportsCenter” channel 7 Went out 8 Harry Potter’s nemesis Malfoy 9 Uncomplicated kind of question 10 Out of one’s mind? 11 Its state drink is tomato juice, for some reason 12 Gear for gigs 13 Caustic compound 21 Firefighters’ tools 22 Sans ice, at the bar 25 “Blade Runner” genre 26 ___ to go (stoked) 27 Follow way too closely 29 Take down ___ (demote)

30 Drug bust amounts 32 Schumer’s “Trainwreck” costar 33 Film director Kurosawa 34 Clingy, in a way 36 Not here to stay 38 Partygoer’s purchase 43 Icy North Atlantic hazard 44 Vulgar 45 Show irritation 49 Don Quixote’s devil 52 Charge to appear in a magazine 54 Serve a purpose 55 Silent greeting 56 Sitcom in which Sherman Hemsley played a deacon 57 “Downton Abbey” countess 58 Aspiring D.A.’s exam 59 “Yikes!” 60 Lacoste of tennis and fashion 61 “The ___ Squad” (‘60s-’70s TV drama) 64 “Funeral in Berlin” novelist Deighton

Copyright © 2015 Jonesin’ Crosswords. For answers to this puzzle, call: 1-900-226-2800, 99 cents per minute. Must be 18+ to call. Or to bill to your credit card, call: 1-800-655-6548. Reference puzzle No. 0750 CHATTANOOGAPULSE.COM • OCTOBER 22, 2015 • THE PULSE • 37

Alex and the Electronaut Officer Teach expounds once again on the unending marvel of human stupidity

“

Take it from me, Constant Reader: Little else catches your attention like a man on fire. It was freakin’ amazing. (In an awful way, of course).”

When officer Alexander D. Teach is not patrolling our fair city on the heels of the criminal element, he spends his spare time volunteering for the Boehm Birth Defects Center.

digenous peoples have conEditor’s note: This week, sistently resulted in failure, we’re running one of Offibut the events unfolding cer Alex’s all-time classics. there tonight were, like me, I don’t work the geo“East Lake” to their core graphic area of Chattanooga and I simply had to see it. known as “Hixson.” My I was even surprised (such a distance from it is very inrare and detentional, licious event but for once in itself!) I had a reathat when I son to go arrived, I not there and I ALEX TEACH only saw my was afraid I destination…I smelled it. might miss it. It was after Take it from me, Constant midnight and winter was Reader: Little else catches giving us a sneak preview, your attention like a man on cold air gusting past my fire. It was freakin’ amazcruiser as I rolled through ing. (In an awful way, of the hills of Hixson’s southcourse.) ern gates of North Chattanooga, waved on by herbalHe was writhing and smoldering at the base of a ly slackened guards, stared at by the psilocybin-filled large electrical transformer, ironically separated from lookouts, and avoided comour help by the very thing pletely by the ultra-para(or things) that were supnoid Lysergic Acid Diethposed to have protected ylamites. I reduced speed to navigate the treacherous him from his current situaand speed-camera-laden tion in the first place: Two curves that often belie Hixlarge-ish cyclone fences and a shitload of common sense. son’s air of gentility, and as Our Man of the Hour I did so I blew past dozens had, at current guess, cut of places with dozens of through a security fence bad memories from a dozen years ago…but once I got that cordoned off a resithere, I realized I’d have dential electrical substation made the trip twice. Who from the rest of the world. am I kidding? Ten times. A The fence itself was capped with barbed wire and festhousand. tooned with worded and picDon’t get me wrong about tographic signage indicating Hixson. It’s not that I am the inherent uncoolness of too good for it; in fact, it’s molesting the objects conquite the opposite. I simply tained therein. Unambiguhave no idea how to work ous words like “DANGER” there at all and my attempts and “HIGH VOLTAGE” to do so and relate to its in-

On The Beat

38 • THE PULSE • OCTOBER 22, 2015 • CHATTANOOGAPULSE.COM

and “REALLY?” were plastered all about the station, reinforced by Paleolithicera cave painting style stick figures experiencing shock and agony for the literary impaired. (It was Hixson, after all.) In case this failed, the wise engineers even added a second cyclone fence to underscore the importance of not licking or otherwise rubbing on such dangerous machinery. Such was our Human Yule Log’s determination, however, he didn’t even bother cutting this one open. He just climbed over it and began digging up his intended prize: The copper wire that served as the electrical transformers’ grounding circuit. Then, so focused was he on his $3.14-a-pound booty, that after he pulled it from the ground, he climbed atop the multi-ton device which it had uncoincidentally electrically grounded, and so marked the last of many, many poor decisions this night. It was there that he failed to complete a job application, but gloriously managed to complete a circuit, and in the process discovered the difference between state law and “Ohm’s Law”: You can fool one, but never the other. And like an angry woman or Africanized bees, a General Electric polyphase transformer suffers no fools. He became what I call an “electronaut,” riding a white-hot flash of glory into pages of history over which the great Darwin himself would have smiled.

Allow ol’ Alex to briefly explain: It takes around 100 milliamps to stop a human heart. This device channeled somewhere between 13,000 and 33,000 volts, hence bypassing such pedestrian symptoms as muscular contractions and going straight for cardiac arrest and heat transference that was of such a magnitude his skin likely caught his clothing on fire (instead of the reverse, which is my normal experience in such). It was incredible to witness, even as firefighters finally cut through the fence to get to him. He survived a phenomenal six hours in this condition. What a fine death. My time and column length are short, but know this: Do not mistake my mindset for cruelty. I am incapable of such, a human robot with shit for a soul, as cops are viewed. I just appreciate what happened as being a pure statistical anomaly. And as it further happens, I deal with statistical anomalies by “getting really excited and chatty about it.” See? Don’t try to get me fired over this bit, too. After it was all over, I eased back to my district, obsessing over Mr. Crisp’s last-minute journey at the speed of light, and in truth haven’t really stopped doing so since then. But I have to admit: Hixson just racked up some “Cool Points” in my book. See? I’m capable of changing my mind, “shocking” as it may be. What a night.

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