The Pulse 12.11 » March 12, 2015

The Pulse

CHATTANOOGA'S WEEKLY ALTERNATIVE

march 12, 2015

time to play in the dirt You don’t need a huge yard to have huge fun growing stuff

MUSIC

arts

screen

old time strings

faves & raves

elijah to visit CFF

fiddling

operatic

film wood

4BAF AVA PRESENT S

2015 4 BRIDGES ARTS FESTIV AL

-brought to you by-

2 • The Pulse • march 12-18, 2015 • chattanoogapulse.com

Contents

The Pulse CHATTANOOGA'S WEEKLY ALTERNATIVE

EDITORIAL

Managing Editor Gary Poole Contributing Editor Janis Hashe

March 12, 2015 Volume 12, Issue 11

Contributors Rich Bailey • Rob Brezsny John DeVore • Matt Jones • Andrea Lisica Sandra Kurtz • Marc T. Michael • Ernie Paik Rick Pimental-Habib • Ward Raymond Alex Teach • Robin Ford Wallace Cartoonists & Illustrators Rick Baldwin • Max Cannon Jen Sorenson • Tom Tomorrow

Features

Editorial Interns Gavin Gaither • Kristina Kelly Cover Photos Roger Kirby (main) • Gary Hamilton (inset) Founded 2003 by Zachary Cooper & Michael Kull

ADVERTISING

Director of Sales Mike Baskin Account Executives Chee Chee Brown • Julie Brown Angela Lanham • Rick Leavell Mike McJunkin • Chester Sharp • Stacey Tyler

CONTACT

Offices 1305 Carter St. Chattanooga, TN 37402 Phone 423.265.9494 Fax 423.266.2335 Website chattanoogapulse.com Email info@chattanoogapulse.com BREWER MEDIA GROUP Publisher & President Jim Brewer II

4 BEGINNINGS: SoundCorps helps musical Chattanooga grow.

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10 SCREEN: Elijah Wood’s visit is just one of many cool things about CFF.

Time To Play In The Dirt

Spring is coming. Do you hear the siren call of dirt? Do you catch yourself pawing through gardening magazines? Do your fingers itch for a trowel? Do you feel if you can’t get outside and plant something right now, you may spontaneously combust, possibly taking innocent bystanders out with you?

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What's Opera, Doc?

7=½áßYÁ½íh½ h½áßµÁY=à Á¾bß= ÁÖc=Tµiß ÁåÚ ½ ß=½dß=¹h½ à kĮßß Starving artists. A fearsome warship named for a girl’s frock. A twagical wabbit. The Chattanooga Symphony Orchestra and

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THE FINE PRINT: The Pulse is published weekly by Brewer Media and is distributed throughout the city of Chattanooga and surrounding communities. The Pulse covers a broad range of topics concentrating on music, the arts, entertainment, culture and local news. The Pulse is available free of charge, limited to one copy per reader. No person without written permission from the publisher may take more than one copy per weekly issue.

The Pulse may be distributed only by authorized distributors.

Contents Copyright © 2015 by Brewer Media. All rights reserved.

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more—in the “Opera Faves and Raves” program this Sunday, Mar. 15, at 3 p.m. at the Volkswagen Conference Center.

20 Old-Time Fiddlers’ Convention This is the fifth year since Matt Downer of the Old Time 7=½áßYÁ½íh½ h½áßµÁY=à Á¾bß= ÁÖc=Tµiß ÁåÚ ½ ß=½dß=¹h½ à kĮßß

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13 SHADES OF GREEN: Massive solar farms, new initiatives mean cleaner, sustainable green power.

16 ARTS CALENDAR 19 TECH TALK: Musetic.com aims to create a community-curated home.

22 MUSIC CALENDAR 24 REVIEWS: Hama mesmerizes, Merzbow maddens and riles.

27 DIVERSIONS 28 FREE WILL ASTROLOGY 29 JONESIN’ CROSSWORD

30 on the beat: Officer Alex calmly explains his response to his less-thangenius customers’ ire.

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chattanoogapulse.com • march 12-18. 2015 • The Pulse • 3

news • views • rants • raves

BEGINNINGS

updates » CHATTANOOGApulse.com facebook/chattanoogapulse EMAIL LOVE LETTERS, ADVICE & TRASH TALK TO INFO@CHATTANOOGAPULSE.COM

Regaining The Title of Music Mecca New nonprofit SoundCorps helps musical Chattanooga grow

“

The overarching goal of SoundCorps?

To promote Chattanooga, in its own right, as a music destination.”

Chattanooga is a veteran of revitalization, transforming from the “dirtiest city in America” in 1969 to one of “The 45 Places to Go” in the world in 2012.

Our Scenic City has been nationally recognized for its exceptional “livability” because of revitalization efforts related to outdoor recreation, entrepreneurship, technology, the arts, and much more.

But Chattanooga is in no way ready to consider its renaissance complete.

For much of the 20th century, Chattanooga—specifically the Big Nine, now MLK Boulevard—was a “mecca for black music and entertainment,” said Charles Moss in his aptly named article “The Lost Music Town of Tennessee.”

After the 1970s, this rich culture was all

but lost. Now, he said, “colorful murals remind us of what once was—and what could be again.”

It was out of the idea and hope of revival that SoundCorps grew, a newly established nonprofit focused on Chattanooga’s music environment.

Stratton Tingle, local business professional and musician, was appointed executive director of SoundCorps and given the considerable responsibility, along with a board of directors, of reviving our music economy.

Included in the andrea lisica ambitious plans for this venture is the initiation of a number of programs and resources—often in partnership with other local initiatives—for music-industry professionals. These include workshops and panel sessions that provide industry-specific education focused on growing music endeavors, networking events to connect industry professionals both regionally and worldwide, online and printed resources that help with navigating the music industry, and the nationwide promotion of Chattanooga’s music scene.

SoundCorps’ initiatives are, of course, as much for the benefit of the community at large as they are for local industry professionals. With strategies like the creation of an online musicprofessionals database, leadership and advocacy on music-industry issues, and highlighting Chattanooga’s music history “to help the community understand from where it comes and inspire future creativity,” SoundCorps will promote and nurture a rich music culture for all to enjoy.

The overarching goal of SoundCorps? To promote Chattanooga, in its own right, as a music destination. Perhaps “Music Mecca” will again be added to the city’s long list of nicknames.

News

4 • The Pulse • march 12-18, 2015 • chattanoogapulse.com

“SoundCorps is currently in soft-launch mode as we begin community-gathering work,” said Tingle. “We are asking interested folks to join our movement by completing the online registration form at SoundCorps.org. We will begin to communicate professional development, networking, and advocacy opportunities through monthly newsletters and via our social media outlets in April.”

On SoundCorps’ immediate calendar: the Sonic Cinema workshop, co-hosted with Chattanooga Film Festival, that will feature Rick Clark, a prominent music supervisor in the film industry— “our first of a quarterly series dedicated to helping Chattanooga’s music-industry professionals grow their businesses”; partnering with Scenic Streets event on Apr. 19 to promote the Chattanooga Busking program; and a monthly networking series this spring to connect “all music-minded Chattanoogans.”

SoundCorps will launch many more initiatives “geared toward expanding our creative ecosystem” in the coming months. “Chattanooga is already a great place to experience music,” Tingle says.

“We will be ensuring that more people know that and understand how to interface with our vibrant music community.”

EdiToon

by Rick Baldwin

GET THE LED OUT

The Falls Are Ready For Their Close-Up Aspiring (and professional) photographers will not want to miss out on Foto at the Falls this Saturday. Ruby Falls’ new tour designed especially for photo enthusiasts allows you to focus your lens and set up your tripod to take photographs of Scenic City’s cavern and breathtaking underground waterfall. (Let us not forget that Ruby

Falls is the tallest and deepest underground waterfall open to the public.)

It’s a unique opportunity to use your professional gear and capture amazing photographs that you can use however you wish—framed above your bed, as your computer screensaver, or, of course, as a braggie.

One of Ruby Falls’ top tour guides

IN THIS ISSUE

Robin Ford Wallace Our cover story this week on small space gardening is

by Robin Ford Wallace, a journalist and rabid gardener whose guiding tenet is that most of what we know about the universe, much less gardening, is lies, advertising or male answer syndrome. A fierce crusader for the truth,

leads this special limited-size tour, encouraging guests to use their photography talents along the way. The excursion is designed for photographers of all levels and includes an extended session into the Falls Room. Foto at the Falls happens Saturday, Mar. 14.

Check-in will be at 7 a.m. with the tour beginning at 7:30 a.m.

Cost is $25.95 per person; reservations are required. Call (800) 755-7105 or purchase tickets online at rubyfalls. com/foto-at-falls — Kristina Kelly

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Sandra Kurtz she enjoys bragging she is to the extension agent what Woodward was to Nixon. Her self-described Revolutionary Pinko Commie Theory of Horticulture—that gardening is something one does, not something one buys—is manifested ad infinitum in her “Bob’s Little Acre, a gardening column. Sort of.” The column, which has appeared in publications in Tennessee, Georgia and Alabama, can be found online.

“Green” columnist Sandra Kurtz has long been active in environmental education and activism. She founded Tennessee Environmental Education Association, created the first educational programs at Chattanooga Nature Center and TVA Energy Center Museum, and

started Bellefonte Efficiency & Sustainability Team. She has consulted with National Environmental Trust, Clear the Air, Global Action Plan, and Sierra Club. Currently she is Urban Century Institute director, South Chickamauga Creek Greenway Alliance co-chairman, TN Environmental Council board member, Blue Ridge Environmental Defense League VicePresident and TN Greenways & Trails Council member.

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chattanoogapulse.com • march 12-18. 2015 • The Pulse • 5

COVER STORY

Get Out Your Trowel: Time To Play In The Dirt You don’t need a huge yard to have huge fun growing stuff Story and photos by Robin Ford Wallace

S

pring is coming. Do you hear the siren call of dirt?

Do you catch yourself pawing through gardening magazines? Do your fingers itch for a trowel? Do you feel if you can’t get outside and plant something right now, you may spontaneously combust, possibly taking innocent bystanders out with you?

If so, please don’t deny your Inner Gardener just because you’re a town-dweller short on arable farmland. In a little space, with a little patience and a little sunshine, there is no reason you can’t grow a little garden—and even the tiniest ones often produce more than you can eat, freeze or force on unwilling strangers.

In gardening, less really is more. “The rule of thumb is to start small and not bite off more than you can chew,” said UT Cooperative Extension Agent Tom Stebbins.

Hamilton County Master Gardener Katie Bishop, interviewed the same day at the Navarre Teaching Garden off Amnicola, pointed out that the 2,000 pounds of fresh vegetables grown there this year for the Chattanooga Area Food Bank came from the facility’s 23 small (4-by-8-foot) raised beds.

The raised bed—at its most basic, four boards nailed together to make a Useful Container to Put Dirt in—is ideal for limited spaces.

In fact, Bishop and Stebbins agreed, most newbies are better off sticking to a raised bed even in not-so-limited spaces. “They would probably be surprised how much work just a 4x8 is,” said Bishop. “You can spend a lot of time in there.”

The word “garden” means an enclosure or fenced-in area, and enclosure is the great thing about a raised bed: It so neatly separates the dirt you need to fool with from the dirt you don’t.

We’re not talking the back 40 here, just a few square feet that practically anyone can micromanage into a little island of perfection.

How little? “You really can’t make your beds much wider than four feet because you can’t reach across them,” said Bishop. Make your bed

nic has been removed, copper is too bound to the wood to leach out into the soil, and chromium and copper are anyway present in soils naturally.

Of course, raised-bed frames need not be made of wood at all. Bishop made one with rocks at home, and on display at the teaching garden is one made by cutting a rain barrel in two.

Whatever the material, the idea is not just to enclose the garden but also to elevate it, providing a deeper, richer growing medium. How high?

Typically, raised beds are bottomless, allowing for drainage and for plant roots to access the living earth below.

But if for some reason you do include a bottom—the teaching garden, for instance, is on an old industrial site, so its beds are lined against possible pollutants—the frame must be deep enough to accommodate root systems. Bishop says most vegetable roots are around 8 inches.

Situate your raised bed in the flattest place you’ve got that gets a minimum of six hours of sunlight daily. “I would say try to find your sunniest spot in your yard,” said Stebbins. “You can

“There’s no need to turn a deaf ear to the call of dirt as long as you have a patio, stoop or roof, anywhere that gets some sun where you can put some pots.”

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as long as you like, she said, but keep it narrow enough you can reach the middle comfortably.

As for what to use for your frame, Stebbins says cedar is durable but you can get away with cheaper wood. “It’s OK now to use the regular lumber, the pressure-treated or whatever,” he said. “They’ve taken all the nasty stuff out of it.”

Previously, said Stebbins, arsenic, chromium and copper were used to treat lumber; now arse-

Raised beds don't have to be beautiful. Master gardener Katie Bishop and UT Extension Agent Tom Stebbins with one made by butchering an old rain barrel.

always shade.”

That sunniest spot may be in your front rather than backyard, which Stebbins says does not in itself violate Chattanooga ordinances. “If you have a garden in the front, that’s perfectly OK, as long as your neighbors don’t complain,” he said. Inspectors must enforce anti-weed rules if they’re called in, he said, but keep things tidy—fairly easy with a raised bed—and everybody’s happy.

Another advantage of raised beds is the opportunity to give the garden the best you’ve got dirtwise. That doesn’t mean you need to fill your bed with hundreds of dollars’ worth of bagged topsoil, though. Many gardeners prefer to work with the stuff that came with the house, pulverizing it, adding compost, building it up.

But that can take time. “Sometimes,” said Stebbins, “the bag is a lot easier for a regular homeowner.”

Bishop says why not try a combination? “Pick the rocks out, add a lot of leaf mulch and stuff like that and amend the soil with some good organic material, maybe buy a couple of bags of compost,” she said. “Grass clippings, mulch those in; all your leaves, run ’em over with the mower, break ’em up,

throw that in there.”

(A note on organics: Leaves, hay and grass clippings can be piled thickly around plants and between rows as mulch, which prevents weeds, retains moisture and in general makes life so much easier it can make or break a garden. These materials then gradually compost into the soil, amending it.)

Good dirt, with sunshine, is where plants get most of their nutrition. Commercial fertilizers are more like mineral supplements than actual food, though Bishop warns if you keep using the same soil year after year you will eventually need to add more nutrients, whether with fertilizer or organic material such as manure.

Now, what to plant in your raised bed? With this deep, rich bed, lovingly tended, the answer is: just about anything. Well, corn is out, but you can fit in a surprising number of standard-sized vegetables.

“You shouldn’t ignore spacing [requirements] but you can reduce the spacing,” said Stebbins.

The teaching garden grows eight tomato plants, each supported with a hogwire cage, in one 4x8.

With only one bed, you’ll have more fun diversifying—two tomatoes, say, two sweet peppers and two hot, with a row of beets and carrots and maybe

Bell peppers grow in a container at the teaching garden in 2014.

(Photo by Kate Bishop)

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Designer Cheryl Simon shows off the Cadillac of container gardening options available at The Barn Nursery: This 27x52x30-inch cedar planter, currently filled with decorative plants for a winter Zen garden, can also be used for patio vegetable or flower gardening.

something vertical in the back climbing up a trellis, cucumbers or sugar snaps. In fact, any way you can grow upward instead of outward helps maximize space, says Bishop, who cages her peppers as well as tomatoes.

You can also stretch productivity by gardening year-round, planting lettuce and mustard early in the spring and clipping a couple of harvests before turning the greens under to plant summer crops. Then, after your tomatoes are spent, why not put in more cool-weather crops like turnips, kale and collards?

Bishop urges raised-bedders to include herbs in their vegetable operations.“You can do a tomato and then a big basil plant right under the tomato plant; they won’t compete at all.” Add flowers to attract pollinators as well as pretty things up.

No room left in the raised bed? Try growing herbs and flowers in pots you can deploy around the bed or even hang above it in baskets.

Which brings us to container gardening. Even if you don’t have room for a raised bed, there’s no need to turn a deaf ear to the call of dirt as long as you have a patio, stoop or roof, anywhere that gets some sun where you can put some pots.

Herbs grow happily in pots, said Bishop; so do peppers, and several varieties of tomatoes have been developed especially for containers. “I’ve

vary, depending on your budget and aesthetic requirements, from a 5-gallon bucket with a hole knocked in the bottom to a handsome cedar planter offered by The Barn Nursery, a cross between a pot and a raised bed, 27 inches wide by 52 long, on legs 30 inches high—yours for a mere $299.

If you don’t have enough room even for containers, you can always work a plot at an in-town community gardens. Locations are listed in the TasteBuds publication of Chattanooga’s nonprofit Crabtree Farms. And if that sounds too ambitious, Crabtree’s Andrea Yeager says volunteers are always needed at the farm for everything from field-handing to answering telephones. Five hours a week will land you a box of fresh vegetables.

Crabtree, the Master Gardeners and UT Extension Service all offer gardening workshops throughout the year; check their individual websites. But Stebbins and Bishop say if you want to garden, the important thing is to pick up that trowel.

“Just don’t overthink it,” said Bishop.

“Get your hands dirty,” said Stebbins.

“Enclosure is the great thing about a raised bed: It so neatly separates the dirt you need to fool with from the dirt you don’t.” grown lettuce in a pot, mustard in a pot,” she said. “It’s really very pretty on your porch.”

Another master gardener, Henrietta Morris, grows everything in pots, because she loves pushing around her containers of vegetables and flowers to achieve riots of color everywhere. “It gives your area that extra pop,” she said.

She grows tomatoes in 18- to 22-inch pots staked with scrounged bamboo (“Someone’s always got wild bamboo going crazy”) and plunks them among her perennial flowers. She puts low containers of flowers under bushes where it would be difficult to dig.

What containers should you use? That can

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chattanoogapulse.com • march 12-18. 2015 • The Pulse • 9

SCREEN SCENE

There And Back Again…Here Elijah Wood’s visit is just one of many cool things about this year’s CFF

Come Meet the Lady of the Lake Rossini's "La Donna del Lago" guaranteed to enchant Joyce DiDonato and Juan Diego Flórez join forces in Rossini’s “La Donna del Lago” and present a showcase of bel canto virtuosity, set in the medieval Scottish highlands.

DiDonato is the “lady of the lake” of the title, and Flórez is the king who relentlessly pursues her, with their vocal fireworks embellishing the tragic plot.

“Joyce DiDonato emerges triumphant. It doesn’t take much courage to tell the listening public that DiDonato is among the world’s greatest

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singing actors of any voice type; on Monday she was beyond perfect...a performance that may ultimately stand as a high point in her already lofty career... her tone was pure honey, her coloratura effortlessly fluttering, her ornamentation fearless.”

(NY Classical Review) MET Live: “La Donna del Lago” 12:55 p.m.

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Cinderella When her father unexpectedly passes away, young Ella finds herself at the mercy of her cruel stepmother and her daughters. As if you didn't already know the story.

Director: Kenneth Branagh Stars: Lily James, Cate Blanchett, Helena Bonham Carter

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Run All Night Mobster and hit man Jimmy Conlon has one night to figure out where his loyalties lie: with his estranged son, Mike, or his longtime best friend, mob boss Shawn Maguire.

Director: Jaume Collet-Serra Stars: Liam Neeson, Ed Harris, Joel Kinnaman, Vincent D'Onofrio

10 • The Pulse • march 12-18, 2015 • chattanoogapulse.com

B

y the time this goes to print, I have no doubt that Chattanooga will be tittering with the Chattanooga Film Festival’s most recent announcement. Elijah Wood will be presenting the film “A Girl Walks Home at Night,” an Iranian vampire film produced by his company. Make no mistake: This is huge news for a festival only in its second year.

Screen JOHN DEVORE

“

Leaders like Chris Dortch and Bryan Center are doing this because they love cinema and they want to invest in Chattanooga’s cultural welfare.”

Many will claim that the presence of such a high-profile guest legitimizes the festival in the eyes of festival aficionados around the country. In a way, I suppose it does. While last year’s festival was not a half effort by any stretch of the imagination, this year’s lineup far exceeds expectations. Drawing talent like Wood is a testament to the job done by the leaders of the Chattanooga Film Festival and film club Mise En Scenesters.

However, Wood might not have been interested in attending if MES hadn’t hosted screenings of both “Grand Piano” and “Maniac.” These smaller genre films were shown here because Chattanooga film fans love seeing them—that they starred Elijah Wood is incidental to the love of independent story telling.

The love of film existed in Chattanooga first; it just took some motivated individuals to give the city an opportunity to see them.

The most recent announcement by the CFF is full of excitement for film lovers. The 13 additional films that will be screened continue to prove just how well rounded the festival is. Festival director Chris Dortch isn’t interested in bringing exclusives and premieres to the city just to have them. The Chattanooga Film Festival selection committee is more interested in showing films that have appeal to a wide variety of audiences.

Who Knew Green Could Taste So Good?

Take, for instance, the film “Roar.”

The 1981 movie stars director Noel Marshall and his wife Tippi Hedren, and documents the lives of a family living alongside hundreds of wild animals (most of which are big cats) on a nature preserve. The purpose of the film was to raise awareness on the treatment of animals in captivity, as well as the overhunting of lions and tigers.

The film itself is crazy, especially considering that their daughter, Melanie Griffith, is part of the cast and she’s spending an alarming amount of time with dangerous predators and is in fact mauled by one in the final cut.

However, the story behind the film is even more insane. It turns out that apex predators are very territorial and everyone that worked on the film was in danger nearly all the time. There were around 70 violent attacks by the animals, including at least one scalping. “Roar” isn’t a new film, but it’s a fascinating one nonetheless. It is a rare and special gem, one that the CFF is lucky to be presenting.

Among the new films being screened is “Do I Sound Gay?” This documentary discusses the use of the specific “gay” accent by some gay men (but not others), why this occurs and what the effects of it are. It’s a subject that would never be touched anywhere else in Chattanooga, where conservatives recently attempted to recall a city council member because of his sexual orientation.

These experiences need to be offered in Chattanooga if only to challenge the status quo and give a voice to a viewpoint that is all too frequently

silenced. Art needs to present challenging ideas and the CFF is leading the way. These are just two of the films recently announced; each one warrants its own discussion.

It’s important to note that the Chattanooga Film Festival is an entirely volunteer effort. The Nashville Film Festival has a budget of around $650,000 and nearly a third of that is dedicated to payroll. No one organizing the CFF is getting paid. Leaders like Chris Dortch and Bryan Center are doing this because they love cinema and they want to invest in Chattanooga’s cultural welfare. Chattanooga has more to offer than highspeed internet and tech startups.

There is more here than fancy rhinos and lamp posts. The city should be a bastion for a strong arts culture and too often we lose our artists to other cities simply because their talents are not valued and work is scarce without a specific set of qualifications. Filmmakers, writers, musicians, visual artists, and others who want to express themselves through an artistic medium can’t do so here without another means of support.

Of course, this isn’t new. Artists have always been marginalized— “the starving artist” is a cliché for a reason. That doesn’t mean that we can’t do more to support the arts. Instead of dropping angel investment money on ideas that have little practical value, why not use it to support a program that has already proven itself?

Maybe after this year, those with the means to make a difference will see why they should.

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“

On Mar. 19, 7 p.m., at 1101 Market Street, a public hearing will provide information about TVA’s draft plans for delivering electricity to you in the next 20 years.”

Sandra Kurtz is an environmental community activist and is presently working through the Urban Century Institute.

Visit her website at enviroedu.net

Drive down Lee Highway industrial plant in the world, and turn onto Jubilee Drive. producing 13,951,476-kiloSoon, you’ll come to a solar watt hours in 2014. You can array of 7,490 panels. This view it from the Enterprise is the Chattanooga Airport’s South Nature Park Overlook.

3-megawatt Additionsolar farm ally, EPB Shades of Green reports 3.7 that currently produces megawatts SANDRA KURTZ enough enof solar in ergy to satisthe territory. fy 85 percent of the airport’s You can see panels at 212 needs.

Market Street restaurant, or Installation of additional find Chattanooga’s largest panels is planned, with the privately owned array at Rivgoal of attaining “carbonerview Animal Hospital on neutral” status for the airport.

N. Market Street. Park under Airport CEO Terry Hart is a solar panels at Finley Stabig supporter of sustainabildium or attend the Unitarian ity. He says the solar park fiUniversalist Church where nancing came because Chatpanels are at work. Numertanooga is a non-attainment ous private homes have solar area for air quality. (Go to panels as well. http://live.deckmonitoring.

It’s said that if we could com/?id=chattanooga_airport capture and store the solar to see how much solar powenergy that hits the Earth in er is being generated in real one minute we could meet time and learn how solar enthe world’s energy demands ergy works.) for one year. ONE SUNNY More local solar examples MINUTE! However, the include Volkswagen’s 33-acre trick is to capture direct cursolar farm, the largest of any rent sunlight and distribute it

in usable alternating current form. That means money and jobs. Solar use is growing as panel prices come down and efficiency improves. The fuel is free. Naysayers claim that solar isn’t feasible because the sun doesn’t shine at night—but we’ve already figured out how to store it.

Any electricity-generation discussion leads eventually to Tennessee Valley Authority (TVA). One reason use of solar energy lags is because TVA and distributors prefer centralized delivery. But distributed power is messy, with all those panels making their own power on your roof. Who will be paying who for this generated power and does it just stay at your home?

Right now, TVA pays for solar power generated from a residence or business, but that may disappear. For most, the cost to install a solar panel is just too expensive anyway. But in comes Community Solar to help. The idea is for a distributor, with some TVA financing help, to install a solar plant locally.

You can then purchase or lease a portion of the solar power at a fixed cost, thereby protecting buyers from rising electricity costs. EPB has

acquired such a grant from TVA, but plans are not yet finalized. With Community Solar, residents can be part owners—and the air and water get cleaner and healthier.

Another plan afoot in the Tennessee legislature would allow counties and cities to assist property owners and businesses to finance energy efficiency, renewable energy and conservation projects.

With the PACE Act (Property Assessed Clean Energy), private property owners arrange for private financing and add the repayment to their property tax bill.

All these ideas depend on TVA’s loosening the reins on use of old fossil fuel and nuclear power in favor of more energy efficiency and renewable energies. On Mar. 19, 7 p.m., at 1101 Market Street, a public hearing will provide information about TVA’s draft plans for delivering electricity to you in the next 20 years.

A slew of questions and comments can urge TVA to let go of the old ways and get on with a quick transition to solar, wind, energy efficiency and conservation. Clean energy means a more sustainable future for all.

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chattanoogapulse.com • march 12-18. 2015 • The Pulse • 13

ARTS SCENE

From Femme Fatale Carmen to That Pesky Wabbit

Get Down With Your Inner Travolta Group Hustle lesson will give you the night fever Disco is not dead! Learn the Hustle at this month’s USA Dance group lesson at Brainerd United Methodist Church on Friday, Mar. 13 at 7:30 p.m. in the gym, located at 4315 Brainerd Rd. Worried that you’ll miss a beat because you can’t tell your left foot from your right? Can’t find a date in time? Stuck with the kids this weekend? Do not fret!

There is no experience or partner necessary and all ages are welcome.

Even if you’re a professional Hustle dancer, come show off your moves.

Admission includes a one-hour group lesson and the ballroom dance

party afterwards. Get your bell bottoms ready! This month, Chris Holt from Ballroom Magic Dance Center will be teaching the Hustle. The lesson runs from 7:30-8:30 p.m. and the ballroom dance party is from 8:3010:30 p.m.

Admission for first-time guests is $5. For members of USA Dance, it’s $6. For non-members who have attended an event before, it’s $10. Student non-members pay $5.

For more information, call (706) 980-7025 or visit chattanoogausadance.com — Kristina Kelly

Thu3.12

fri3.13

sat3.14

winter harvest

sing a song

late night fun

Winter at Ooltewah Farmers Market

The Vienna Boys Choir

“Improv-A-Lot”

While the signs of spring are all around us (achoo!), the winter crops are still in season and can be found in one of the longest-running famers markets in the city.

3 p.m.

Ooltewah Nursery & Landscape Co. 5829 Main St. ooltewahnursery.com

For over half a century, talented boys have traveled from Austria to entertain the entire world with their enchanting blend of voices. Come see the choir that your greatgreat-great-great-great gandparents raved about.

7:30 p.m.

399 McCallie Ave. (800) 514-3849 chattanoogaonstage.com

Looking for some wholly unexpected late-night entertainment this Saturday? Head over to the Ensemble Theatre for a night of improv.

11 p.m.

Ensemble Theatre of Chattanooga 5600 Brainerd Rd. (423) 602-8640 ensembletheatreofchattanooga.com

14 • The Pulse • march 12-18, 2015 • chattanoogapulse.com

CSO and Artisti Affamati partner for ‘Opera Faves and Raves’ at the VW Center

S

tarving artists. A fearsome warship named for a girl’s frock. A twagical wabbit. The Chattanooga Symphony Orchestra and special guests combine elements of all these— and so much more—in the “Opera Faves and Raves” program this Sunday, Mar. 15, at 3 p.m. at the Volkswagen Conference Center.

Arts ward raymond

“

For lovers of lighter fare, Gilbert and Sullivan’s HMS Pinafore, the duo’s first international smash hit, fires a salvo of quick-witted verbosity.”

The starving artists? In a literal translation from Italian, Artisti Affamati, a redoubtable group of local songsters, performs vocal selections from both classical and light opera in concert with the CSO. “I believe all of their singers have performed with us at one time or another, in our chorus or as individuals,” says Molly Sasse, executive director of the CSO. “But this is the first time we’ve collaborated with them as a group. We’re glad to be working with them.”

The afternoon includes popular selections from classical opera, including Cosi fan tutte, La Traviata, and Carmen, sure to set feet tapping and heads bobbing.

The warship? For lovers of lighter fare, Gilbert and Sullivan’s HMS Pinafore, the duo’s first international smash hit, fires a salvo of quick-witted verbosity.

And the wabbit…uh, rabbit? This requires some explanation.

“The program features many of opera’s greatest hits and best-known arias,” explains Sasse. “Our singers are performing two choruses from Wagner’s Tannhäuser, which we would most

likely never produce as an opera because of its length. One is a tune from Tannhäuser that was used in the famous Bugs Bunny cartoon spoof, you know, ‘Kill da wabbit,’—” (At this point the writer and the interviewee both involuntarily hum the irresistible, stirring tune, as the Valkyries ride in our imagination.)

“The music is wonderful,” Sasse says, “and it’s exciting to do some Wagner as well as the Verdi and Puccini hits that people know and love.”

Several years have passed since the CSO presented a fully staged grand opera (2009’s La Bohème), but the orchestra seeks to keep the opera flame alive. “We did offer the hour-long holiday opera, Amahl and the Night Visitors, in a fully staged production in 2012 and 2013,” Sasse says. “Unfortunately, both forms have proven too costly to continue so we have moved to offering a concert of opera arias and ensembles as part of our Volkswagen concert series.

“There’s an intimacy at the Volkswagen Conference Center that we really like. We’ve had as many as 600 people in attendance, and at a Family Concert on the first Sunday in February, there must have been 450 in the audience,” Sasse continues. The area near Volkswagen is the fastest grow-

ing section of Hamilton County, and we really want to bring music to all segments of the community.”

In more good news for opera lovers, “People’s Diva” Renée Fleming will perform with the CSO at the Tivoli next season in October 2015, singing a diverse program of classical and opera, Broadway show tunes, and American Songbook favorites. The CSO also presented a semi-staged version of Gilbert and Sullivan’s The Pirates of Penzance in November 2014, and a semi-staged version of The Tabasco Opera is planned for fall 2015 in the Volkswagen Series.

The final program of the Volkswagen Series brings Mozart’s Symphony No. 1 (written when the composer was 8!), Flute Concerto, and Symphony No. 36 to the VW Conference Center on Sunday, Apr. 12, also at 3 p.m. In addition, free lunchtime concerts are available at 11:30 a.m. in the Warehouse Row Food Court at 1110 Market St. on Mar. 19, Apr. 16, and May 21.

Tickets for “Opera Faves and Raves” are $25 for adults, $15 for students, available online at chattanoogasymphony.org or at the door.

Directions to the Volkswagen Conference Center are also available at the website. chattanoogapulse.com • march 12-18. 2015 • The Pulse • 15

National Geographic, USA 101

ARTS CALENDAR

“One of America’s Top 101 places to visit”

The Vienna Boys Choir

thursday3.12

for more info call 706.820.2531

See RockCity.com

March 7-8, 14-15 Music Food Fun for the whole family!

Be sure to get your Rock City Annual Pass for year-round access to all the fun! sponsored by

in partnership with

Homeschool Science Club 1 p.m.

Creative Discovery Museum 321 Chestnut St. (423) 756-2738 cdmfun.org Winter at Ooltewah Farmers Market 3 p.m.

Ooltewah Nursery & Landscape Co. 5829 Main St. ooltewahnursery.com Art + Issues: “Chattanooga’s Flow of Sustainability” 6 p.m.

The Hunter Museum of American Art 10 Bluff View Ave. (423) 756-2787 huntermuseum.org CSO: Tchaikovsky’s 6th 7:30 p.m.

Tivoli Theatre 399 McCallie Ave. (800) 514-3849 chattanoogaonstage.com "Talking With" 7:30 p.m.

Ensemble Theatre of Chattanooga 5600 Brainerd Rd. (423) 602-8640 ensembletheatreofchattanooga.com Jen Kober 7:30 p.m.

The Comedy Catch 3224 Brainerd Rd. (423) 629-2233 thecomedycatch.com

16 • The Pulse • march 12-18, 2015 • chattanoogapulse.com

friday3.13 The River City Sessions 7 p.m.

The Camp House 149 E. MLK Blvd.

(423) 702-8081 thecamphouse.com The Vienna Boys Choir 7:30 p.m.

399 McCallie Ave. (800) 514-3849 chattanoogaonstage.com Jen Kober 7:30, 9:45 p.m.

The Comedy Catch 3224 Brainerd Rd. (423) 629-2233 thecomedycatch.com USA Dance Ballroom Party—Learn the Hustle!

7:30 p.m.

Brainerd United

Pulse Pick: Jen Kober Jen has bounded onto the national stage bringing crowds to their feet with her original blend of stand-up, story telling, and improvised rock-n-roll comedy.

Jen Kober The Comedy Catch 3224 Brainerd Rd. (423) 629-2233 thecomedycatch.com

Methodist Church 4315 Brainerd Rd. (423) 629-0333 chattanoogausadance.com "Talking With" 7:30 p.m.

Ensemble Theatre 5600 Brainerd Rd. (423) 602-8640 ensembletheatreofchattanooga.com “Dorothy Parker Would Not Approve” 8 p.m.

Chattanooga Theatre Centre 400 River St. (423) 267-8534 theatrecentre.com

saturday3.14 Foto @ the Falls 7 a.m.

Ruby Falls 1720 South Scenic Hwy. (423) 821-2544 rubyfalls.com Shamrock City 8:30 a.m.

Rock City 1400 Patten Rd. (706) 820-2531 seerockcity.com MET Live: “La Donna Del Lago” 12:55 p.m.

East Ridge 18 5080 S. Terrace, East Ridge carmike.com Alligator Bayou Bash!

6 p.m.

Tennessee Aquarium 1 Broad St. (423) 267-3474 tnaqua.org Haiti—Flower of Mountain Lands: Benefit for Petit Harpon 7 p.m.

Barking Legs Theater 1307 Dodds Ave. (423) 624-5347 barkinglegs.org Chattanooga Raqs! Middle Eastern Dance Show 7:30 p.m.

Chattanooga School for the Arts and Sciences 865 E. 3rd St. (423) 987-1067 mycsas.com Jen Kober 7:30, 9:45 p.m.

The Comedy Catch 3224 Brainerd Rd. (423) 629-2233 thecomedycatch.com

"Talking With" 7:30 p.m.

Ensemble Theatre of Chattanooga 5600 Brainerd Rd. (423) 602-8640 ensembletheatreofchattanooga.com “Dorothy Parker Would Not Approve” 8 p.m.

Chattanooga Theatre Centre 400 River St. (423) 267-8534 theatrecentre.com “Improv-A-Lot” 11 p.m.

Ensemble Theatre of Chattanooga 5600 Brainerd Rd. (423) 602-8640 ensembletheatreofchattanooga.com

sunday3.15 Shamrock City 8:30 a.m.

Rock City 1400 Patten Rd. (706) 820-2531 seerockcity.com Jazzanooga: Brunch at the Hunter 11 a.m.

The Hunter Museum of American Art 10 Bluff View Ave. (423) 756-2787 huntermuseum.org "Talking With" 2:30 p.m.

Ensemble Theatre

ARTS CALENDAR

“Dorothy Parker Would Not Approve”

of Chattanooga 5600 Brainerd Rd. (423) 602-8640 ensembletheatreofchattanooga.com CSO: “Opera Faves And Raves” 3 p.m.

Volkswagen Conference Center 7351 Volkswagen Dr. (423) 267-8583 chattanoogasymphony.org Reading of “Julius Caesar” 3 p.m.

The Highland Center 104 N. Tuxedo Ave. (423) 622-2862 facebook.com/ Shakespearechattanooga Jericho Brass Ensemble with St. Paul’s Handbell Choir 4 p.m.

305 W. 7th St. (423) 266-8195 stpaulschatt.org Jen Kober 7:30 p.m.

The Comedy Catch 3224 Brainerd Rd. (423) 629-2233 thecomedycatch.com

monday3.16 A Conversation with Ed Bearss 11:30 a.m.

Mountain City Club 729 Chestnut St. (423) 648-5623 friendsofchch.org American Masterworks

for Violin & Piano 7:30 p.m.

UTC Fine Arts Center 725 Vine St. (423) 425-4269 utc.edu/fine-arts-center

tuesday3.17 St. Patrick’s Day Pints and Pedals Tour 4 p.m.

Pints and Pedals (423) 380-8359 pintsandpedalstn.com Beginner/Newcomer Gardening Class 6:30 p.m.

UT Extension Office 6183 Adamson Cir. (423) 855- 6113 extension.tennessee. edu/Hamilton Chattanooga Flute Choir St. Patrick’s Day Concert 7 p.m.

Good Shepherd Lutheran Church 822 Belvoir Ave. (423) 842-4570 gslcflock.org

wednesday3.18 “Spirit of Achievement” Awards Luncheon 2015 11:30 a.m.

Chattanooga Convention Center 1 Carter Plaza (423) 892-4488 jachatt.org/spirit-of-

achievement.html MET Encore: “La Donna Del Lago” 6:30 p.m.

East Ridge 18 5080 S. Terrace, East Ridge carmike.com

Named “One of the Ten Most Incredible Cave Waterfalls on Earth”

World Reviewer

ongoing “A Cast of Blues” Bessie Smith Cultural Center 200 E. MLK Blvd.

(423) 266-8658 bessiesmithcc.org “Human Plus: Real Lives + Real Engineering” Creative Discovery Museum 321 Chestnut St. (423) 756-2738 cdmfun.org “Pioneering Pulpits: The First Ocoee Churches” The Museum Center At Five Points 200 Inman St. E (423) 339-5745 museumcenter.org “Artist Favorites” Reflections Gallery 6922 Lee Hwy. (423) 892-3072 reflectionsgallerytn.com “Collaborations II” River Gallery 400 E 2nd St. (423) 265-5033 river-gallery.com Map these locations on chattanoogapulse.com. Send event listings at least 10 days in advance to: calendar@chattanoogapulse.com

423.821.2544 RubyFalls.com Open Weekends in March!

423.821.2544 RubyFallsZip.com

chattanoogapulse.com • march 12-18. 2015 • The Pulse • 17

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18 • The Pulse • march 12-18, 2015 • chattanoogapulse.com

Who’s Your Muse?

Musetic.com aims to create a community-curated home for all

“

What Connis wanted was a place where artists of all types could submit their work, curated by the community through upvoting and commenting.”

Rich Bailey is a professional writer, editor and (sometimes) PR consultant. He led a project to create Chattanooga’s first civic web site in 1995 before even owning a modem. Now he covers Chattanooga technology for The Pulse and blogs about it at CircleChattanooga.com. He splits his time between Chattanooga and Brooklyn.

A new social media site based in Chattanooga is offering a place for creators of all types to share their art.

Since launching Jan. 7 of this year, Musetic has registered just under 200 users, ahead of its goals but still a modest number when all artists in all genres are the target audience. But the RICH quality—and geography— of its creators is already surprising.

A quick click-tour found a painter in Southern California who makes geometric patterns and ethereal landscapes that change throughout the day because they are made with light-reactive paint (Shayla Maddox); an illustrator in France (LoicP) who posts spot illustrations and comic pages; a musician (Chris Williams) videotaped using audio loops to layer tracks he creates using classical violin, beat boxing and singing; Hollie Chastain of Chattanooga, with an eerie collage-drawing of a guy with interesting tats, face plunged into a clear stream as if he’s examining the rocks on the bottom; and Jamie Barks in Cleveland, Tennessee, whose images range from a folksy, ark-ish boat (the most popular image posted to date) to ethereal forests of trees painted with coffee.

“Musetic is definitely a social site, but its heart is a lot bigger than that,” says cofounder Dave Connis, a 24-

year old writer and musician.

“Its heart is in community and giving creators a place to call home.”

The seed that became Musetic was planted when Connis found out the hard way that Reddit does not allow people to post self-created works. After getting his hand slapped BAILEY for linking to his own work on the site, he wondered: if this kind of thing isn’t allowed on Reddit, where would it be allowed? The answer, he found, was pretty much “nowhere.”

What Connis wanted was a place where artists of all types could submit their work, curated by the community through upvoting and commenting. Instead, he found plenty of sites that were homes to creators of one type of art (like Noisetrade for music), or gargantuan repositories for everything, including art among all the lolcats and WTF stuff (YouTube and Imgur, for example), or arts blogs with curatorial gatekeepers (like BoredPanda, Laughing Squid, Colossal).

“I was honestly surprised,” he says. “Surely I cannot have been the first person to think of this. But I’ve done a lot of research looking for something like Musetic. I haven’t found anything.”

Connis brought in co-founder Josh Chandler, age 26, to do the site development. Musetic is the first startup for each of

Tech Talk

them.

Here’s how it works. Only original artworks created by the person posting are allowed.

Cute kids and cat videos, take a hike. Anyone can register to comment and upvote, but only creators can post.

“Yesterday on the front page, we had an electric guitar maker, photography, music and videos,” he says. “It was a conglomeration of a lot of really cool art. That’s why we exist—for everyone to have a chance to go viral and to be community of people that are engaging with each other, talking about what other people are making. The community is a big part of it, too.”

Every creator who signs up to post is vetted but not really screened. Perhaps because he is committed to Musetic being community curated, Connis underscores the idea that he does not want to be a gatekeeper.

“We’re just making sure people signing up have legitimate works, not just stick figures,” he says. “We haven’t turned anyone down yet,” although some deemed not safe for work have been turned away temporarily, until filters

are in place.

He is reaching out to any identifiable arts group he can find in Chattanooga and beyond. New York, Chicago and San Francisco are frequent targets.

“Art is art, but it really becomes art when it’s shared,” he says. “People don’t make art for it to sit in a room. People make art to share. We want to be a place where that happens.”

Musetic is currently selffunded. Eventually, Connis plans to introduce ways to monetize the site, perhaps offering banner ads on category pages and hosting to artists— all posts on Musetic now link to pieces hosted elsewhere— and seeking investors.

For now, he is concentrating on building a diverse community, reaching out intensively to one artistic category per week, including animators, filmmakers, dancers, artists and writers.

“I want to make sure we’re not getting heavy handed on one specific creator group,” he says. “I’d like to see all sorts of people in Musetic.

We’re reaching out to different groups of creators equally.”

chattanoogapulse.com • march 12-18. 2015 • The Pulse • 19

MUSIC SCENE

More Fiddlers Than You Can Shake A Stick At

Your Chance to Get “Hampmotized” Col. Bruce Hampton returns to Barking Legs With another Friday the 13th coming, some people might assume a bad-luck wave is imminent. Forget that—because this Friday, there will be plenty of good luck for those who go see Col. Bruce Hampton at the Barking Legs Theater.

Col. Hampton has been labeled “the 8th Wonder of the World,” “the father of the Jam Band music scene,” and “the single most important figure in the history of rock music in Atlanta.” Since his 1970 six-figure record deal, this musical master of the surreal has pushed for his own voice, even after his first album, Music to Eat, almost became Columbia Records’ worst-selling album (sec-

ond only to a yoga record).

His efforts over 50 years have created incredible, awe-inspiring music, influencing celebrities such as Billy Bob Thornton. Some might also know him as Warren, a band manager in the movie Sling Blade and a potted plant in the animated talk show Space Ghost Coast to Coast.

He is definitely a legend worth seeing, just to make sure he’s real.

— Gavin Gaither Col. Bruce Hampton Friday, 8 p.m.

Barking Legs Theater 1307 Dodds Ave. barkinglegs.org

thu3.12

fri3.13

SAT3.14

ladies night

office overtime

outside the box

“The Moth Ball”

Jonathan Wimpee

Opposite Box

An event for women, about women, to benefit women. It's a ladies-only event where women can dust off that old wedding, prom, or spectacular dress for an evening full of food, fun, fabulous music and tons of fashion.

7 p.m.

Stratton Hall 3146 Broad St. strattonhall.com

Contrary to rumor, Janathan has not played with every single band in Chattanooga, it just sometimes feels that way. Singer, songwriter, guitarist and all-around nice guy. he hits the solo stage at The Office.

9 p.m.

The Office @ City Cafe 901 Carter St. citycafemenu.com

If you like your rock with a mix of funk, jazz, soul and a healthy dash of psychedelia, all combined together with a high-energy stage show that will get you moving, than have we got the band for you.

7 p.m.

The Honest Pint 35 Patten Pkwy. thehonestpint.com

20 • The Pulse • march 12-18, 2015 • chattanoogapulse.com

Old-Time Fiddlers’ Convention takes a bow (or a few) on Saturday

T

his is the fifth year since Matt Downer of the Old Time Travelers revived The Great Southern OldTime Fiddlers’ Convention—and the event is more popular than ever. It all started 90 years ago, when local promoter J.H. Gaston, incensed that the title “Champion Fiddler of the U.S.” had been given to a Northerner by none other than Henry Ford, founded a contest to determine the best fiddle player in the South.

Music marc t. michael

“

Five years later, participation by contestants and onlookers continues to grow, adding another layer to Chattanooga’s blossoming artistic and cultural renaissance.”

The notion was that this Southern champion would square off against Ford’s man in a bid to determine “the TRUE champion fiddler.” Gaston was quoted in the Chattanooga Times as saying, “How can a Yankee claim to know as much about fiddling as a ‘born fiddler’ from here in the Tennessee Valley where the art of old time fiddling originated?”

Whether the rivalry was goodnatured fun or a serious matter of regional pride scarcely matters; the result was an annual competition that became one of Chattanooga’s biggest draws at the time, eventually being moved to that new-fangled construction, Memorial Auditorium. As popular as the event was, World War II brought an end to festivities—until 2010 when Downer, with support from the Crisp family and Lindsay Street Hall, successfully resurrected the event. Five years later, participation by contestants and onlookers continues to grow, adding another layer to Chattanooga’s blossoming artistic and cultural renaissance.

The event will be held Saturday,

THE FINEST IN

WINE&SPIRITS

Photo by Gary Hamilton

We will meet or beat any advertised price and special order any wine available in the Chattanooga Market!

Mar. 14, beginning at noon at Chattanooga’s historic Lindsay Street Hall (901 Lindsay Street). No electric instruments are permitted. Drawing for order of contestants will be held at the registration table 15 minutes prior to start of each competition and no further registrations are allowed once numbers are drawn. Contestants must be present when their number is called to take the stage for competition. Here’s what you’ll hear if you go: Fiddle Prizes offered: $250, $125, $75 Old time fiddling and tunes only, may play solo or with maximum 1 additional accompanist.

Preliminary round: 2 tunes of choice.

Finals: 2 tunes of choice.

Banjo Prizes offered:. $100, $50, $25 Old time styles and tunes only. May play solo or with maximum 1 additional accompanist.

Preliminary round: 2 tunes of choice.

Finals: 1 tune of choice.

Stringband Prizes offered: $200, $100,$60 Old time styles and tunes only. Band must consist of at least 2 stringed instruments. 2 tunes/songs of choice, 1 required to include vocals.

Finals: 1 tune/song of choice.

Dance Prizes offered: $60, $40, $20 Old time style dance. Dancers who wish to wear metal on shoe soles must bring a board to dance on.

Traditional Song Prizes offered: $100, $50, $25 Pre1930 traditional song. 3 minute time limit. Must be performed solo. Can be solo voice or singer may accompany themselves on an instrument.

Admission is $10, children under six are free and contest registration is free with paid admission.

For more information, visit oldchattanooga.com

The Honest Pint Makes St. Paddy’s Twice As Nice It’s that time of year again when, for a short time, the streets are awash in a sea of green (clothing, mostly). St. Patrick’s Day is Tuesday, Mar. 17, but the Honest Pint is starting the celebration a little early with their second annual “Party on the Parkway” on Saturday, Mar. 14.

A fundraising event, this year’s celebration is raising money for the Chattanooga Autism Center and will feature two tracks of entertainment, one inside and one outdoors. All of Patton Parkway becomes a festival as the outdoor stage features the talents of such favorites as Scenic, Cadillac Saints and the Nim Nims, plus a special charity wrestling event presented by New Reality Wrestling.

Meanwhile, the indoor stage will see performances

from Nick Lutsko, the Molly Maguires, Smooth Dialects and Opposite Box. The daylong party will culminate in a performance by the headlining act, Grammy-nominated Mutemath.

Admission is $15. The outdoor portion is all ages and children are admitted free with a parent. You must be 21 to attend the shows inside. Show time is scheduled from 4 p.m. to midnight and tickets are available now via eventbrite.com. Additionally, the Honest Pint will be presenting Paddy’s Day Proper on the 17th, featuring John Laithim and Friends, Celtic Keg Stand and the Molly Maguires with special guests The Wolfhounds. Admission to that event is $5 after 5 p.m. or FREE if you wear a — MTM St. Paddy’s on the Parkway shirt.

WE NOW HAVE LOW GRAVITY BEER!

216 MARKET STREET

423-266-8420

ONE BLOCK FROM THE TN AQUARUM

chattanoogapulse.com • march 12-18. 2015 • The Pulse • 21

LIVE MUSIC MARCH

12 ROAD TO NIGHTFALL FRI 8p 13 ROAD TO NIGHTFALL SAT 8p 14 JESS GOGGANS WED 9P 18 70'S ARENA ROCK THU 9P 19 ROAD TO NIGHTFALL FRI 8p 20 ROAD TO NIGHTFALL SAT 8p 21 DRIVIN' N CRYIN' with SUSTO

THU 9p

WHO GETS THE PRIME SLOT?

WHO GETS THE PRIME SLOT?

A POWERFUL, POWERFUL SINGER

THE CLASSIC ROCK EXPERIENCE WHO GETS THE PRIME SLOT? WHO GETS THE PRIME SLOT?

3.25 GHOST OWL with STOKESWOOD 3.26 TALL TALL TREES 3.28 RIGOLETTO

COMING SOON

THE BEATERS

30 YEAR ANNIVERSARY PARTY

HINDER

FRI 9p

THU

THE ROCKERS ARE FINALLY BACK! 9p

3

16

MUSIC CALENDAR

CHATTANOOGA

The Everymen

thursday3.12 Feel It Thursday Open Mic 7 p.m.

Mocha Music Lounge 511 Broad St. mochajazz.net “The Moth Ball” 7 p.m.

Stratton Hall 3146 Broad St. strattonhall.com Songwriter Shootout 7 p.m.

The Camp House 149 E. MLK Blvd. thecamphouse.com CSO: Tchaikovsky’s 6th 7:30 p.m.

Tivoli Theatre 709 Broad St. chattanoogaonstage.com Sirsy 8 p.m.

World of Beer 412 Market St. worldofbeer.com The Everymen 9 p.m.

JJ’s Bohemia 231 E. MLK Blvd. jjsbohemia.com Open Mic with Hap Henninger 9 p.m.

The Office @ City Cafe 901 Carter St. citycafemenu.com

ALL SHOWS 21+ UNLESS OTHERWISE NOTED • NON-SMOKING VENUE

221 MARKET STREET HOT MUSIC • FINE BEER • GREAT FOOD

BUY TICKETS ONLINE • RHYTHM-BREWS.COM

friday3.13 MACC Hoedown

22 • The Pulse • march 12-18, 2015 • chattanoogapulse.com

6:30 p.m.

Signal Mountain Arts Community Center 809 Kentucky Ave. (423) 886-1959 Roger Alan Wade, Mic Harrison and the High Scores 7 p.m.

JJ’s Bohemia 231 E. MLK Blvd. jjsbohemia.com Chattanooga Acoustic Showcase 7 p.m.

Charles & Myrtle’s Coffeehouse 105 McBrien Rd. christunity.org River City Sessions 7 p.m.

The Camp House 149 E. MLK Blvd. thecamphouse.com Jay Cox & Friends

Pulse Pick: John Batdorf The name may not be familiar, but if you are fan of music from the '70s, chances are John was involved with it in some fashion as a musician or songwriter.

John Batdorf Saturday, 7 p.m.

Charles & Myrtle’s Coffeehouse 105 McBrien Rd. christunity.org

7 p.m.

Magoo’s 3658 Ringgold Rd. facebook.com/MagoosTN The Vienna Boys Choir 7:30 p.m.

Tivoli Theatre 709 Broad St. chattanoogaonstage.com The Road to Nightfall 8 p.m.

Rhythm & Brews 221 Market St. rhythm-brews.com Col. Bruce Hampton 8 p.m.

Barking Legs Theater 1307 Dodds Ave. barkinglegs.org Jonnie Morgan Band 8 p.m.

World of Beer 412 Market St. worldofbeer.com

Spore Lord 8 p.m.

Ziggy’s Underground 607 Cherokee Blvd.

(423) 265-8711 Joey Winslett Band 8 p.m.

T-Bone’s Sports Café 1419 Chestnut St. tbonessportscafe.com Rick Rushing and the Blues Strangers 8:30 p.m.

The Foundry 1201 Broad St. chattanooganhotel.com Jonathan Wimpee 9 p.m.

The Office @ City Cafe 901 Carter St. citycafemenu.com Husky Burnette 9:30 p.m.

The Brew and Cue 5017 Rossville Blvd.

(423) 933-8657 Baby Baby, The Average, Scenic 10 p.m.

JJ’s Bohemia 231 E. MLK Blvd. jjsbohemia.com Sullivan Band 10 p.m.

Bud’s Sports Bar 5751 Brainerd Rd. budssportsbar.com

saturday3.14 The Glade City Rounders 11 a.m.

Lindsay Street Hall

MUSIC CALENDAR

Jess Goggans 901 S. Lindsay St. lindsaystreethall.com Jennifer Daniels 11 a.m.

Rock City 1400 Patten Rd. seerockcity.com The Dudes 7 p.m.

Ayala’s Mexican Restaurant 1832 Taft Hwy. (423) 886-0063 Bill Myers 7 p.m.

Magoo’s 3658 Ringgold Rd. facebook.com/MagoosTN Opposite Box 7 p.m.

The Honest Pint 35 Patten Pkwy. thehonestpint.com John Batdorf 7 p.m.

Charles & Myrtle’s Coffeehouse 105 McBrien Rd. christunity.org “Haiti: Flower of Mountain Lands” Concert 7 p.m.

Barking Legs Theater 1307 Dodds Ave. barkinglegs.org Tyson Leamon & The Backwater Prophets 8 p.m.

The Gypsy Rose 1682 S. Lee Hwy. (423) 559-8855 The Road to Nightfall 8 p.m.

Rhythm & Brews 221 Market St.

rhythm-brews.com All or Nothin’ 8 p.m.

Ziggy’s Underground 607 Cherokee Blvd.

(423) 265-8711 Rick Rushing and the Blues Strangers 8:30 p.m.

The Foundry 1201 Broad St. chattanooganhotel.com Southern Xposures FX 9 p.m.

Lookout Bar and Grill 2536 Cummings Hwy. (423) 822-9774 Megan Jean and the KFB, Iron Fez 9 p.m.

JJ’s Bohemia 231 E. MLK Blvd. jjsbohemia.com She She Dance 10 p.m.

The Office @ City Cafe 901 Carter St. citycafemenu.com Sullivan Band 10 p.m.

Bud’s Sports Bar 5751 Brainerd Rd. budssportsbar.com

sunday3.15 Husky Burnette 6 p.m.

Bud’s Sports Bar 5751 Brainerd Rd. budssportsbar.com Winter Jam Tour Spectacular 2015

6 p.m.

McKenzie Arena 720 E. 4th St. dmiconcerts.com David Ramirez 8:30 p.m.

The Camp House 149 E. MLK Blvd. thecamphouse.com Santah, Gorgeous, Swoon 9 p.m.

JJ’s Bohemia 231 E. MLK Blvd. jjsbohemia.com

monday3.16 Open Mic with Jay Cox 7 p.m.

Magoo’s 3658 Ringgold Rd. facebook.com/MagoosTN Monday Nite Big Band 7 p.m.

The Coconut Room 6925 Shallowford Rd. thepalmsathamilton.com

tuesday3.17 The Courtney Daly Band 7 p.m.

Magoo’s 3658 Ringgold Rd. facebook.com/MagoosTN Rick’s Blues Jam 7 p.m.

Folk School of Chattanooga 1200 Mountain Creek Rd. chattanoogafolk.com Andy Statman & Tim O’Brien 7:30 p.m.

Barking Legs Theater 1307 Dodds Ave. barkinglegs.org Arson 8:30 p.m.

Bud’s Sports Bar 5751 Brainerd Rd. budssportsbar.com That 90’s Show St. Patty’s Day Party 9:30 p.m.

Clyde’s On Main 122 W. Main St. (423) 505-0594

901 Carter St. Inside City Cafe (423) 634-9191

Thursday, March 12: 9pm Open Mic with Hap Henninger Friday, March 13: 9pm Jonathan Wimpee Saturday, March 14: 10pm She She Dance Tuesday, March 17: 7pm Server/Hotel Appreciation Night $5 Pitchers $2 Wells $1.50 Domestics ●

●

Happy Hour: Mon-Fri: 4-7pm $1 10oz drafts, $3 32oz drafts, $2 Wells, $1.50 Domestics, Free Appetizers

citycafemenu.com/the-office

wednesday3.18 The Other Guys 6 p.m.

SpringHill Suites 495 Riverfront Pkwy. marriot.com Matthew Perryman Jones, Molly Parden 7 p.m.

The Camp House 149 E. MLK Blvd. thecamphouse.com Open Mic with Ryan Oyer 8 p.m.

The Honest Pint 35 Patten Pkwy. thehonestpint.com Jess Goggans 9 p.m.

Rhythm & Brews 221 Market St. rhythm-brews.com

Friday • March 13

Roger Alan Wade · Mic Harrison and the High Scores (early show) Baby Baby · The Average · Scenicc (late show)

Saturday • March 14

Megan Jean and the KFB · Iron Fez

Sunday • March 15

Santah · Gorgeous · Swoony

Thursday • March 19

Left Lane Cruiser · Husky Burnette · Sweet GA Brown

Friday • March 20

Perfect Pussy · Elkmilk (Tickets now on Sale)

Map these locations on chattanoogapulse.com. Send event list-JJ’s Bohemia JJ’s Bohemia • 231 E MLK • 231Blvd.

E MLK Blvd. ings at least 10 days in advance to: 423.266.1400 423.266.1400 • • jjsbohemia.com jjsbohemia.com calendar@chattanoogapulse.com chattanoogapulse.com • march 12-18. 2015 • The Pulse • 23

Let the luck of the Irish take you to the pot ‘o gold at Red Bank Wine & Spirits

Record Reviews

ernie paik

West African Cheap Keyboards, Japanese Harsh Noise Hama mesmerizes, Merzbow maddens and riles where it seems amateurish, among the homemade, nonslick recordings.

On paper, it might not sound remarkable—a fellow tapping out wandering melodies on a cheap keyboard— but there is a mesmerizing quality to Hama that can’t be discounted.

Hama Torodi (Sahelsounds)

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he West African nation of Niger is known for its Tuareg guitar rock, such as that from Tinariwen, Bombino and Group Inerane, but one keyboardist named Hama—who works as a businessman’s driver as his day job—has been gaining popularity through radio exposure and his instrumental MP3s being traded and swapped on phones.

The confusing thing is, however, these MP3s were first unlabeled, giving no credit to Hama; then, eventually, they were labeled incorrectly, attributing the assassinated rebel Japonais, a member of the Niger Movement for Justice (MNJ) and also a keyboard player, as the musician behind the tracks.

Very likely, this misattribution may have actually helped Hama get his music heard, since listeners who considered Japonais to be a hero probably thought that by sharing these infectious, hypnotic keyboard pieces,

24 • The Pulse • march 12-18, 2015 • chattanoogapulse.com

Merzbow Nezumimochi (Cold Spring)

they were honoring him.

On his album Torodi, released on vinyl and as digital downloads, Hama exclusively uses a Yamaha Portatone PSR-64; on first glance, this model looks like the typical keyboard one might get a department store, but it differentiates itself by having the capability to play quarter tones for programmable Arabic scales and having Arabic percussion sounds, alongside the expected rock-band drum sounds.

With a slightly warbling synth organ sound, Hama taps through enthralling runs, processed with a gentle echo, embracing the keyboard’s artificiality unabashedly; on “Tarhanam,” Hama is unafraid to use the cheesy tom drum beats, sparingly, as a flourish. There is a sort of outsider spirit to this music, with the feeling that Hama is tapping directly into his consciousness through scale runs and improvised pathways, but it never gets to the point

T

okyo artist Masami Akita, better known as the noise outfit Merzbow, is often considered to be the most prominent noise artist in the world, with a huge body of work spanning over 35 years that has an impressive degree of variation and an astounding, often visceral richness to it.

A large percentage of listeners will likely find much of Merzbow’s work to be unlistenable, especially his harsh-noise method that began to dominate his style in the ’90s; however, like effective abstract visual art, Merzbow’s sonic creations reflect a way to provoke and challenge beyond conventional means, using more skill and thought than what may be apparent.

For such music that can elicit a strong, instinctual negative reaction in many, the alienating effect can actually be appealing for certain hardy listeners, as part of some underground subculture with eardrums of steel and a rare aural stamina. It would be insulting, however, to assume that this is the only appeal, and listening

to Merzbow’s latest effort, Nezumimochi, this writer can imagine a range of reactions that would help to explain why aficionados are drawn to Merzbow’s recordings.

Nezumimochi is comprised of a vinyl picture-disc record and a CD, and there is no overlapping material between the two mediums over the 91-minute total running time.

The general formula for the five long songs of Nezumimochi employs a small, looped electronic riff, over which Akita presents his palette of abrasive, sharp-edged sonic brutality that veers into squealing feedback and white-noise sheets that are shaped with an envelope effect (think wah-wah pedal) to boost frequencies, rather than depending on pitches like a conventional song.

Although each track has a similar approach, this writer had violently different reactions, with the tracks “Rat,” “Tamatsubaki” and “Joteishi” seemingly feeding the listener with energy, stimulating him, but for the tracks “Rice Cake” and “Matebashii,” there was instead a wearying, draining effect, making it more like an endurance run rather than a brisk sprint.

Your mileage may vary, but keep in mind that being maddened and frightened and riled up are certainly valid reactions in the world of Merzbow.

chattanoogapulse.com • march 12-18. 2015 • The Pulse • 25

LUKEN HOLDINGS POPS SERIES

BROADWAY’S GOLDEN AGE AND BEYOND March 28 • 7:30PM • Tivoli Theatre

Bob Bernhardt, conductor | Lisa Vroman and Doug LaBrecque, vocalists

423.267.8583 • www.chattanoogasymphony.org

Join us for a Monday Night Live Radio Broadcast Live every Monday evening from 6 to 8 p.m. at World of Beer in downtown Chattanooga.

Come out and join ESPN Radio’s Wells Guthrie and co-host Gene Henley (UTC Men’s Basketball Beat Writer) ast they discuss everything sports.

412 Market Street Downtown Chattanooga 26 • The Pulse • march 12-18, 2015 • chattanoogapulse.com

Diversions

Consider This with Dr. Rick

by Rick Pimental-Habib, Ph.D. It might in part be a product of the values of our society, combined with plain ol’ human nature, for us to occasionally feel down about ourselves. Who among us hasn’t experienced low self-esteem in one area or another: physically, intellectually, in relationships, as a contributing member of society, etc.

I’m not talking here about chronic feelings of low self-worth—that’s for a different conversation. But rather, those occasional times when we need a lift, a morale boost, a shot of some healthy ego.

Well, this one’s for you: “I may not be someone’s first choice, but I’m a great choice. I may not be rich, but I’m valuable. I don’t pretend to be someone that I’m not, because I’m good at being me. I may not be proud of some of the things I’ve done in the past, but I’m proud of who I am today. I may not be perfect, but I don’t need to be. Take me as I am or watch me as I walk away.” — Author unknown chattanoogapulse.com • march 12-18. 2015 • The Pulse • 27

Free Will Astrology

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ARIES (March 21-April 19): In the old Superman comics, Mister Mxyztplk was a fiendish imp whose home was in the fifth dimension.

He sometimes sneaked over into our world to bedevil the Man of Steel with pranks. There was one sure way he could be instantly banished back to his own realm for a long time: If Superman fooled him into saying his own name backwards. You might think it would be hard to trick a magic rascal into saying “Klptzyxm” when he knew very well what the consequences would be, but Superman usually succeeded. I’d like to suggest that you have a similar power to get rid of a bugaboo that has been bothering you, Aries. Don’t underestimate your ability to outsmart the pest.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20): In 1637, mathematician Pierre de Fermat declared that he had solved the “Last Theorem,” a particularly knotty mathematical problem. Unfortunately, he never actually provided the proof that he had done so. The mystery remained. Other math experts toiled for centuries looking for the answer. It wasn’t until 1994, more than 350 years later, that anyone succeeded. I think you are on the verge of discovering a possible solution to one of your own long-running riddles, Taurus.

It may take a few more weeks, but you’re almost there. Can you sense that twinkle in your third eye?

Keep the faith.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20): Your upcoming efforts might not be flawless in all respects, but I suspect you will triumph anyway. You may not even be completely sure of what you want, but I bet you’ll get a reward you didn’t know you were looking for. Cagey innocence and high expectations will be your secret weapons. Dumb luck and crazy coincidences will be your X-factors. Here’s one of your main tasks: As the unreasonable blessings flow in your direction, don’t disrupt or obstruct the flow.

CANCER (June 21-July 22): As soon as a baby loggerhead turtle leaves its nest on a Florida beach, it heads for the ocean. It’s only two inches long. Although it can swim just one mile every two hours, it begins an 8,000-mile journey that takes ten years. It travels east to Af-

28 • The Pulse • march 12-18, 2015 • chattanoogapulse.com

rob brezsny casions, we can’t get the fullness of our learning experience unless we are free to stumble and bumble all by ourselves. A knowledgeable helper would only interfere with that odd magic. But right now, Virgo, I believe the Sufi saying holds true for you. Where you’re headed, you would benefit from an advisor, teacher, or role model.

rica, then turns around and circles back to where it originated. Along the way it grows big and strong as it eats a wide variety of food, from corals to sea cucumbers to squid.

Succeeding at such an epic journey requires a stellar sense of direction and a prodigious will to thrive. I nominate the loggerhead turtle to be your power animal for the coming weeks, Cancerian.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): In 1961, 19-year-old Bob Dylan began doing solo performances of folk songs at New York clubs. To accompany his vocals, he played an acoustic guitar and harmonica. By 1963, his career had skyrocketed. Critics called him a creative genius. Pop stars were recording the songs he wrote, making him rich. But he still kept his instrumentation simple, relying entirely on his acoustic guitar and harmonica. That changed in 1965, when he made the leap to rock and roll. For the first time, his music featured a full drum set and electric guitar, bass, and keyboards.

Some of his fans were offended.

How dare he renounce his folk roots? I wonder if it might be time for you to consider a comparable transition, Leo. Are you willing to risk disorienting or disturbing those who would prefer you to stay as you are?

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): “Whoever travels without a guide needs 200 years for a two-day journey.”

That’s an old Sufi saying sometimes attributed to the poet Rumi. I don’t think it’s accurate in all cases.

Sometimes we are drawn to wander into frontiers that few people have visited and none have mastered.

There are no guides! On other oc-

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): There’s a meme rolling around Tumblr and Facebook that goes like this: “Everyone wants a magical solution for their problems, but they refuse to believe in magic.” Judging from the astrological omens, I think this Internet folk wisdom applies to your current situation. As I see it, you have two choices. If you intend to keep fantasizing about finding a magical solution, you will have to work harder to believe in magic.

But if you can’t finagle your brain into actually believing in magic, you should stop fantasizing about a magical solution. Which will it be?

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): I have taken a passage from a letter that Henry Miller wrote to Anais Nin, and I have chopped it up and rearranged it and added to it so as to create an oracle that’s perfect for you right now. Ready? “This is the wild dream: you with your chameleon’s soul being anchored always in no matter what storm, sensing you are at home wherever you are.

You asserting yourself, getting the rich varied life you desire; and the more you assert yourself, the more you love going deeper, thicker, fuller. Resurrection after resurrection: that’s your gift, your promise.

The insatiable delight of constant change.”

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): One of your important assignments in the coming week is to get high without the use of drugs and alcohol. Let me elaborate. In my oracular opinion, you simply must escape the numbing trance of the daily rhythm. Experiencing altered states of awareness will provide you with crucial benefits. At the same time, you can’t afford to risk hurting yourself, and it’s essential to avoid stupidly excessive behavior that has negative repercussions.

So what do you think? Do you have any methods to get sozzled and squiffed or jiggled and jingled that will also keep you sane and

healthy?

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Singer Gloria Gaynor recorded the song “I Will Survive” in 1978. It sold over two million copies and ultimately became an iconic disco anthem. And yet it was originally the B-side of “Substitute,” the song that Gaynor’s record company released as her main offering. Luckily, radio DJs ignored “Substitute” and played the hell out of “I Will Survive,” making it a global hit. I foresee the possibility of a similar development for you, Capricorn.

What you currently consider to be secondary should perhaps be primary. A gift or creation or skill you think is less important could turn out to be pre-eminent.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): I’m tempted to furrow my brow and raise my voice as I tell you to please please please go out and do the dicey task you’ve been postponing.

But that would just be a way to vent my frustration, and probably not helpful or constructive for you. So here’s my wiser advice: To prepare for that dicey task, lock yourself in your sanctuary until you figure out what you first need to change about yourself before you can accomplish the dicey task. I think that once you make the inner shift, doing the deed will be pretty easy.

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): In the fairy tale “The Ugly Duckling,” the young hero suffers from a peculiar case of mistaken identity.

He believes that he is a duck. All of his problems stem from this erroneous idea. By duck standards, he is a homely mess. He gets taunted and abused by other animals, goes into exile, and endures terrible loneliness. In the end, though, his anguish dissolves when he finally realizes that he is in fact a swan.

United with his true nature, he no longer compares himself to an inappropriate ideal. Fellow swans welcome him into their community, and he flies away with them.

Is there anything in this story that resonates with you, Pisces? I’m guessing there is. It’s high time to free yourself from false notions about who you really are.

•••• Homework: If you could be any other sign besides the one you actually are, what would it be, and why?

Testify at FreeWillAstrology.com

Jonesin’ Crossword

elevation

matt jones

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21 Conductor’s address 23 “Don’t be a fool, stay in ___” 24 Depression fighter 25 Garfield’s girlfriend 28 Take responsibility 32 Guy who’d probably interrupt this clue because the answer’s not “Beyonce” 34 Established principle

36 “No one person could have broken up a band” speaker 37 Bill the Cat’s outburst 38 Fig Newtons maker 40 “___ be an honor!”

41 SMH or FTW, slangily 42 It’s often unaccounted for 43 Some iPods 45 Financial center of Switzerland 47 “___ to Zoom...”

49 Part 51 Business tycoons 54 Baseball Hallof-Famer Mike 57 Take the penalty, perhaps 58 The “Dark Side of the Moon” cover has one 59 ___ Khalifa (world’s tallest building) 61 “I didn’t mean anything ___!”

62 Radiating glows 63 Water, in Oaxaca

64 Race parts 65 Overflows 66 “How you like ___ apples?”

67 Flock member DOWN 1 Classical column style 2 R&B’s most notable sitarist?

3 Relating to love 4 Magazine with an easy crossword 5 U2 guy, with “The” 6 Zero, to Man U 7 Comes across as 8 Early part of the week devoted to De Niro, Urich and Smith?

9 Newborn’s cover 10 Go (through) 11 Evening, in France 12 Digging 13 Non-dominant types, in gay slang 20 Classic MTV hip-hop show about felonies before Easter?

22 Trade gp.

26 Arrests 27 They’re noted on flights 29 Certain sharp treetop?

30 Archaic preposition 31 Work areas 32 TV cartoon therapist Dr. ___ 33 They’ve got the rights stuff 35 “It makes sense” 39 Reacted to a laser light show 44 OK to show, like a news clip 46 2001 Penn/Pfeiffer/ Fanning movie 48 1990s arcade game with real players 50 Ready to swing 52 Snow, in Paris 53 Mounts, as a gem 54 Expectorated 55 Motley ___ 56 Make the staff larger 57 Piper and Phoebe’s sister, on “Charmed” 60 “Dude! No!”

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Copyright © 2015 Jonesin’ Crosswords. For answers to this puzzle, call: 1-900-226-2800, 99 cents per minute. Must be 18+ to call. Or to bill to your credit card, call: 1-800-655-6548. Reference puzzle No. 0718 chattanoogapulse.com • march 12-18. 2015 • The Pulse • 29

1

The Stupid Tax, or The Odds of Avoiding Paying It Alex calmly explains his response to his less-thangenius customers’ ire

“ I’ll simplify it by saying that ‘the level to which one gives a %$#@ about a thing has a directly proportional effect on the response to its theft.’”

When officer Alexander D. Teach is not patrolling our fair city on the heels of the criminal element, he spends his spare time volunteering for the Boehm Birth Defects Center.

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important.

Opening a car can be difShould you make that ficult. I mean you have to choice though…when your extract your keys and push ride is inevitably stolen? a button on a fob, or in the Brace yourself, because not olden days you’d actually only are you going to be have to insert an actual key sad…you’re into an acgoing to be tual lock, and irrevocaa couple of bly irritated those dinothat no one saurs are still ALEX TEACH else is going on the road to give any more of a crap from what I can tell. I mean than you did by leaving can you imagine? Unlockyour damn key in the igniing a door? tion in the first place. Allow And that’s before you get me to explain. to the nightmare of actually Policing can be a very having to place a key into complex issue, and with so the car’s ignition. I mean many different variables is this the Dark Ages, or affecting so many differwhat? “They” may as well ent crimes we have to use ask us to build another pyrscience to make us operate amid at Giza, or raise our as efficiently as possible. own children!

In the case of the example I can’t save you from inabove, we use an algorithm conveniences such as those that serves as a “sliding latter two, but I can give you scale” of sorts to determine a way out of the former two our response. It’s actually examples given: Bypass the quite complicated and my whole process by leaving word processor won’t allow the car unlocked and placme to display the proper ing that antiquated phallic characters for the equation, symbol in the ignition 24/7. so I’ll simplify it by saying Two birds, one stone. Oh that “the level to which one there is a downside, sure, gives a %$#@ about a thing but what are the odds? For has a directly proportional that risk, you don’t have to effect on the response to its go to the trouble of “pushtheft.” ing a button” or “turning a That is to say, if you did key” ever again! And that’s

On The Beat

30 • The Pulse • march 12-18, 2015 • chattanoogapulse.com

not give a %$#@, it would not be reasonable for you to expect others to give a %$#@ either now that you’ve gone from a time of internal peace to a time of internal nuclear jihad Def Con 1 as a direct result of being of being agonizingly lazy.

This is particularly irritating when your irresponsibility suddenly forces you to do a 180 on your prior stance, because no one else will be as eager to join you on this unexpected journey of self-discovery no matter how much energy you are suddenly putting into it.

These journeys are ones taken alone—unless of course you’re dragging along a group of hapless victims (aka “family” or “a friend”) with you who are equally victimized by your carelessness. And while they are literally onboard with you, emotional support would not be a reasonable expectation from them.

So when the initial officer responds and puts the tag into the national database, covers the basics, and then goes on to answer other calls instead of heading to City Hall to wake up the Commissioner to establish a task force to map out key choke points across the tri-state area and retask NSA satellites for the car you didn’t insure and

left unlocked with the key plugged in? I recommend you put on a helmet, because your emotional crash will be a profound one.

Sometimes…you just have to let the Universe unfold as it was intended to. And this isn’t limited to giving away the car your cheap ass “didn’t see the need to waste insurance money on since it was just going to be in your driveway.” No. If you get blackout drunk at the local ”Slap & Tickle” and come-to in an unfamiliar parking lot with your pants unbuttoned and your wallet missing? Hey, man.

Don’t consider yourself a victim—consider yourself lucky. Buy a time-share or “get in on the ground floor of a foolproof/guaranteed investment deal” and lose your ass? Same thing.

As a civilization, we can land a robot on a passing comet. But as individual people? We’re lucky to not accidentally kill ourselves with an electric razor on an hourly basis.

We ALL have to pay The Stupid Tax at one point or another, and being mad at others for not chipping in because of a situation you created will not help anything, I assure you.

But if you do get mad? I appreciate it. Your response is proportional to the sense of humor in others, as well.

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chattanoogapulse.com • march 12-18. 2015 • The Pulse • 31

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