The Pulse 8.50 » Dec. 15-21, 2011 by Brewer Media Group

Dec. 15-21, 2011

Chattanoogaâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Weekly Alternative

spinning aro und town at 33 1/3

V I NYL chattanoog a in Quadrop honic Hi-Fi Stereo

2 • The Pulse • december 15-21, 2011 • chattanoogapulse.com

COMEDY RELIEF

Bobcat’s Back CHATTANOOGA’S WEEKLY ALTERNATIVE

ChattanoogaPulse.com • Facebook.com/ChattanoogaPulse

EDITORIAL Publisher Zachary Cooper Managing Editor Janis Hashe Contributing Editor Gary Poole Art Director Bill Ramsey Contributors Rick Baldwin • Rob Brezsny Dave Castaneda • Chuck Crowder • Michael Crumb John DeVore • Allison Gorman • Sandra Kurtz Rick Pimental-Habib • Matt Jones • D.E. Langley Kelly Lockhart • Ernie Paik • Jim Pfitzer • Bill Ramsey Alex Teach • Tara V Photographers Lesha Patterson • Josh Lang Interns Beth Miller • Bruno Araujo

• Fans of Bobcat Goldthwait’s cult comedy classic, Shakes The Clown, will welcome the comic’s weekend stand at the Vaudville Café, but there’s much more to Goldthwait than standup. Chuck Crowder interviews the comedian-turnedfilmmaker. » 27

ADVERTISING Sales Director Lysa Greer Account Executives Rick Leavell • Michelle Pih

CONTACT

Contents dec. 15-21 • 2011 • ISSUE 8.50

Cover photo by Lesha Patterson

COVER STORY

Vinyl Chattanooga

Phone 423.265.9494 • Fax 423.266.2335 Email info@chattanoogapulse.com calendar@chattanoogapulse.com Got a stamp? 1305 Carter Street Chattanooga, TN 37402

Vinyl is back and getting bigger every year. Chris Kelly drops the needle on the platter and finds the source of the magic. » 9

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walk of life

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the fine print

The Pulse is published weekly by Brewer Media and is distributed throughout the city of Chattanooga and surrounding communities. The Pulse covers a broad range of topics concentrating on culture, the arts, entertainment and local news. The Pulse is available free of charge, limited to one copy per reader. No person without written permission from the publishers may take more than one copy per weekly issue. The Pulse may be distributed only by authorized distributors.

Record bar, 2011

At Northgate, you can still find a record store. Mike Bell brings back the memories at the mall. » 8 SUSHI&BISCUITS

Chili Champ

Reigning chili king Mike McJunkin shares secrets of his winning bowl of red—and the heat is on! » 34

The best gifts come from the skies…

At blue skies, we make shopping easy—and we do the wrapping for you!

30 frazier avenue • 266-8010 • open seven days

chattanoogapulse.com • december 15-21, 2011 • The Pulse • 3

BOWL

THE

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Closing A Bar Via Craigslist? By Gary Poole

Stuff Your Stocking with

Holiday Cash! Let Junkyard Mafia turn your metal into money!

boring businesses breathed a sigh of relief. “Mocromatic refrigBut in all the troubles, the erated draft beer cooler question of how one specific and taps. These units have 10 club became such a problem taps each. I have 4 of these while nearly all of the dozens units and they all work. $1250 of other nightclubs, restaueach or all 4 for $4500.” So rants and bars within a mile reads one of several ads placed of Fire & Ice seemed immune on Chattanooga’s branch of from the mayhem is a lesson Craigslist last week. in nightclub economAnd so ends the saga ics. The restaurant/bar of Fire & Ice, not with So ends the saga of Fire & business is a very tough a city nuisance order or Ice, not with a city nuisance one in which to suca courtroom battle, but ceed. Business experts order or a courtroom battle, with an online sale of say over more than half but with an online sale of bar bar equipment. of all new restaurants The popular—and equipment. and nightclubs fail deeply troubled— within a year of opendowntown nightclub ing their doors; ninety located near the middle of the ing down the club as a public percent fail to survive beyond 800 block of Market Street, nuisance. five years. And the number had been in the news more But the real final straw was one reason for their failure? than many local politicians a recent early Sunday morning Lack of capital. during the past two years. brawl that drew officers from There are many options for Dozens upon dozens of fights all over the city to deal with increasing capital, and the and visits from the police had multiple fights both inside and method Fire & Ice used was all led to a well-deserved repoutside the club, punctuated to hire out-of-state promoters utation of a “trouble spot” that with random gunfire. Amazto book edgy musical acts and neither ownership nor maningly, no one was seriously entertainment guaranteed to agement seemed to be able to injured, but it finally became draw a specific clientele. A clicontrol. obvious to ownership that the entele that freely spent money The problems had become end had come. So, last Friday for the entertainment they so bad; the city’s Beer Board the Craigslist ads went up as received. Unfortunately for revoked the club’s license to the doors closed and neighthe owner of Fire & Ice, that

“

Business experts say more than half of all new restaurants and nightclubs fail within a year of opening their doors; ninety percent fail to survive beyond five years. clientele was also known for getting out of control far too often. So even while the club was succeeding financially in the short term, the aftereffects of that success were sealing its long-term fate. And such is a painful business lesson learned, one that hopefully will be of benefit to current and future entertainment entrepreneurs. For now, though, there are some good deals to be had on Craigslist.

POLE POSITION H H H H H H H H H H H • Our friends in the online media are fond of conducting polls. We’re not, but we keeping track of them nonetheless. Here’s how your local contenders for office are faring as of press time in recent polls conducted by The Chattanoogan.com.

Ooltewah

sell beer (which was held up on a court appeal and injunction). It was set to face the state liquor folks, where it was expected by many that it would lose its ability to sell any type of alcohol, and just last week the city attorney explained to council members how to go about legally clos-

Polk County

(423) 238-3444 • (423) 338.2411 4 • The Pulse • december 15-21, 2011 • chattanoogapulse.com

U.S. President Republican Primary 1. Ron Paul 2. Newt Gingrich 3. Mitt Romney 4. Jon Huntsman 5. Michelle Bachmann 6. Rick Perry 7. Rick Santorum

3rd Congressional District Republican Primary 1. Weston Wamp 2. Chuck Fleischman 3. Robin Smith 4. Jean Howard-Hill 5. J.B. Bennett

Letters

EdiToon

rick baldwin

Probing Homelessness’s Heart • Thanks to The Pulse for a helpful and kind review of Ensemble Theatre of Chattanooga’s “Have A Seat”. All of us in the cast and crew appreciate the perceptive critiques as well as the praise. We worked very hard on this piece and hope to see a larger audience as a consequence of the review. Robbye Lewis Chattanooga

“ Two Turntables and a Microphone • I’m sorry, but playing a turntable is not being a musician. If it’s not an instrument, then it’s not a performance. Sampling is the biggest letdown that ever came to music. It’s as bad as the Wii band or plastic instrument wannabes that play at home on their TV sets. Buy a real instrument, take lessons by a video, and I’ll be playing “Freebird” on my real guitar until you get your chops up. Randy Newport Chattanooga

Southern Rock Is Where It’s At • It is obvious you aren’t a fan of the good ole Southern

Rock night [“Make It Local For The Holidays”], but it will be a night of great nonprocessed music. You know the kind of stuff that comes from your hands. Three great local bands that work their ass off to make some good ole country and blues. By talented people as well. Come and see. Johnny Smith Pacific Justice Institute

Occupy Permanent Living? • Now that the Occupy movement has run its course, isn’t it time for the “campers”

I’m sorry, but playing a turntable is not being a musician. If it’s not an instrument, then it’s not a performance... Buy a real instrument, take lessons...I’ll be playing ‘Freebird’ on my real guitar until you get your chops up. to pack up and restore our courthouse to a respectable state? Camping out for a few days in protest in one

NEWS » the bowl

Dec. 8-14, 2011

ruSh To juDgmENT? reassessing mattheW palmgren DizzyToWN: Weston Wamp’s Windfall

walk of life

Chattanooga’s Weekly Alternative

Big mAN iN A KiLT

BALLET TENNESSEE AT 25

KNighTS iN WhiTE SATiN

miChAEL WhiNEry rocks a mean bag of pipes By BETh miLLEr

outreach programs bring joy and discipline to chattanooga children of diverse backgrounds

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hoLiDAy hiTS STrEET SToriES DArK DiCKENS fuLLy fiShED local shoWcases abound play probes homelessness inside a christmas carol a guide to seafood

thing, but setting up what for all intents and purposes is a permanent residence is another. I call upon the Sheriff to issue eviction proceedings against those that have made a mockery of what freedom of speech really means. Andy Parnell Chattanooga

Got an opinion? Of course you do! Email your letter (300 words or less, please, with name and daytime phone number) to : info@ chattanoogapulse.com. chattanoogapulse.com • december 15-21, 2011 • The Pulse • 5

Dizzy Town

politics, media & other strange bedfellows

The Year in Lauren Alaina It’s almost the end of the year, which means it’s time to trot out the old Year-Enders. In the newspaper business, that’s code for “Let’s fill up the paper with all the shit that happened this year so we don’t have to create actual content!” Ha! Don’t laugh too hard. We’ll do it, too. But not here, not now. Forgive us in advance. It will be horrible. But don’t forgive your Big City Daily. Now, we all know it’s been tough on the Daily Newspaper Industry. Most of them just discovered this Internet thing a few days ago and disaster has struck across the land, killing off daily newspapers by the dozens, depriving the people of their favorite comic strips and daily dose of Billy Graham. To be sure, the Chattanooga Times Free Press has suffered. Why, it used to be two papers, and now it’s just one, except on the editorial page. But nobody reads those pages, do they? No, we didn’t think so. Still, the TFP remains a sturdy bastion of the Fourth Estate, despite the turmoil and economic devastation, despite the departure of its once-heralded Boy Wonder, J. Todd Foster, who returned to his old stomping grounds to make the paper Great Again only to exit under weird circumstances. Was it ever great? No, we think not. But that sounded good. And, at this Most

6 • The Pulse • december 15-21, 2011 • chattanoogapulse.com

Blessed Time of Year, the TFP, like all good Local Daily Newspapers, is preparing their YearEnder, convening in the Conference Room to decide on the Movers & Shakers, the People of the Year—the people and events that really did impact our lives. The Brain Trust at the TFP have already popped their corks, swilled the cold, sparkly nectar that has fueled their News-Gathering Machine and the nectar is sweet and good. Its name: Lauren Alaina, she who has given us reams of copy and reams yet to come! It would be a LessThan Year at the TFP without the pudgy teen from Jojah, the little Empress of Lake Winnie Who Could! By our count, the Perky Princess of Rossville has appeared in our daily some 126 times since she squealed her way onto a televised talent show, only to finish runner-up to some dopey kid from North Carolina with Dumbo ears. But that matters not, she’s a Star in Our Hearts! And the TFP has dutifully, skillfully, journalistically tracked her trajectory every step of the way. Along the way, The Brightest Star in Our Orbit has appeared in almost every section of

the paper, proving her all-consuming effect upon our daily lives. Most recently, it was reported with that the canny, cutting-edge talent-bookers at Riverbend had managed to book Dimples for their annual splish-splash on the rivah. What a coup! Of course, Our Wildflower cut her own album somewhere in between losing American Star Machine and all this, which, we’re told, sold in the hundreds at the Walmart. That alone justifies this honor. So, we’re looking forward to Our Princess being crowned Person of the Year, even though we hardly recognize her now all the baby fat’s been sucked right out of her. Let us relive the fairytale of how this Bright Star was plucked from a life of certain melancholy, a-workin’ at the truck stop and spending those endless rainy nights headlining at Sing It or Wing It. But let’s enjoy the story for now. Soon, too soon, Our Wildflower will wilt in the shadows as the next Bright Star steps onto the stage of American Warble Teen Sensation. For now, let’s all gather in Courter’s Kitchen and drink in the sickly sweet syrup. Here’s to you, Lauren Alaina, for lifting up our dreary lives! See you next year at Lake Winnie!

Send us your Dizzyness! Email: dizzy@ chattanoogapulse.com.

On the Beat

alex teach

History of the Bluesmobile, Part One “

*Advance warning: This week’s column isn’t so much for interested (and disgusted) passersby of the Police World that look here for amusement (or fodder for lawsuits…you know who you are, you ambulance-chasing half-wit). This one’s geared more towards the actual copaudience, and veterans at that, so join in if you like hearing “old people talk” about mechanical crap. Like an accidental dose of PCP, I had to get it out of my system. It’s kind of funny. In the Golden Age of policing (the ’30s and ’40s, to me), police forces across America began using motorized vehicles as a means of saving money. To you Littlefieldians this must reek of madness, right? But think on it; instead of multiple cops to cover a given area, a police car and a radio could cover a much larger area than four, five, maybe six cops and with an even faster response time. A wagon moved them in bulk from place to place and a horse was the equivalent of an off-road vehicle or motorcycle, but the radio the car provided made it a spaceship in comparison. Never mind cutting payroll— this also gave officers the ability to patrol on foot instead of being anchored to a desk phone, a persona that exists to this

day as evidenced by the disheartened foot traffic at HQ expecting Sergeant O’Malley to be sitting in a high chair with his hat cocked back and a pencil ready to write. Clients are now greeted instead by a sign over a phone from which they must (ironically) call police. Now cities (or at least Chattanooga) are saving money by eliminating police cars. Some would feign well-rounded wisdom and wistfully say we have “come full circle”. Others, however, would label those people as being “full of shit” and correctly state that we have “gone backwards”. That’s irrelevant now, but as the venerable Crown Victoria finally eases into the retirement veteran cops so eagerly seek themselves, I can’t look forward to its replacement without also looking back at the history of police cars.

The Crown Vic dominated the ’90s and the early part of the 21st century as well. From the new “slim” headlight profile in the 1992 redesign that messed with people’s rearview mirrors everywhere to its final (and longest running) 1998 body style, the Ford Crown Vic Interceptor turned what is clearly a family sedan into an something that was part off-road vehicle and part rocketship. What separated it from its “civilian” counterpart wasn’t just its reinforced suspension, special oil-cooling radiator or augmented alternator (to support pre-LED/pre-strobe lights, radios, and early in-car computers power demands), it was that special little chip in the onboard computer that told all other cars to never, EVER go faster than 109 MPH. They pulled it out like a bad tooth and set it free. When they talk about how you can “outrun a cop, but you can’t outrun that radio”? That was written long before the advent of Ford’s greatest creation since the ’67 Shelby Cobra GT. Shy of actually being on fire in a careening flying saucer, I believe there is no greater automotive exhilaration than cruising at 149 miles per hour in a sustained pursuit of a very, very bad guy across state lines.

Sure, lots of you have driven that fast, but probably not for 45 straight minutes in the ridiculously dangerous proximity of a column of 15 other cars doing the same thing with blue lights pulsing and sirens not blaring enough to actually be heard, such was the speed…

blaring enough to actually be heard, such was the speed…the gentle vibration and occasional shudder from the steering wheel reminding you that one dropped cigarette in the lap or one unfortunately placed rock on the roadway would send you into a flipping, cartwheeling ball of flaming death that would be more sudden and dramatic than a silverback gorilla waking you up for work with a piece of firewood. I can still see my white knuckles in my mind’s eye, and wonder how that ever seemed like a remotely good idea. Ah, youth. And blind stupidity, of course. (Ugh, a column about the history of police cars past, and I’m only two cars into it. How about we continue this in a couple of weeks? Hey, I’m boring me too, but at least three readers will appreciate this. And then be similarly ashamed. Welcome to “Police Work.”)

When Chattanooga Police Officer Alexander D. Teach is not patrolling our fair city on the heels of the criminal element, he is an occasional student, carpenter, boating enthusiast, and spends his spare time volunteering for the Boehm Birth Defects Center. Follow him on Facebook at www.facebook. com/alex.teach.

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chattanoogapulse.com • december 15-21, 2011 • The Pulse • 7

Holiday Cheer On Sale Now!

We will meet or beat any advertised price in Chattanooga!

Walk of Life

Record store. In a mall. 2011. Mike Bell Owner, For The Record, Northgate Mall Favorite album: Just One Night, Eric Clapton (1980) Best-selling framed album covers: Street Survivors, Lynyrd Skynyrd (original flame version); Purple Rain, Prince Most valuable record in collection: “Please Please Me” 45rpm, 1963 (Parolophone), with The Beatles misspelled as “The Beattles.” Paid: $1. Value: $1,500

Story & Photo by Bill Ramsey

Where the Liquor is Cheap & the Entertainment is Free

There’s a certain sort of romanticism one expects from record-store owners. We expect John Cusack and his duo of lovable flunkies arguing the merits of obscure rock bands while delineating the crimes against music perpetrated by modern pop masters gone awry. At For The Record, you will not find this quirky quality, at least not in owner Mike Bell. But that’s perhaps because Bell and his store exist in almost a parallel universe, something you’re unlikely to fine anywhere in modern-day America: A record store. In a mall. In 2011. And doing quite well. Bell and his wife, Gwen (who, Mike says, holds the passion for records he does not) opened their record and memorabilia shop three years ago as a kiosk in front of JCPenney at Northgate Mall and had been selling arts and crafts at the mall during the holiday season at the mall for the past 10 years.

It’s not Championship Vinyl, but then again, this is the mall.

8 • The Pulse • december 15-21, 2011 • chattanoogapulse.com

For the past two years, For The Record has occupied the former Waldenbooks location on the south end of the mall, where the store has slowly expanded as the Bells have added merchandise, moving back the fake wall each year to accommodate a growing stock. But opening an actual record store was not originally the plan, Bell says. About eight months into his kiosk business, Bell noticed “five guys in suits” surveying the mish-mash of kiosks fronting the anchor store and the news came down from mall management that Bell had to vacate his prime location. “But my step-daughter had a dream that we’d move to a new location and it would be called For The Record,” says Bell, and that dream came true. Today, For The Record is filled with boxes of old vinyl, a small but worthy collection of new records, banks of stereo equipment for sale, alongside the popular album covers he mats and frames himself and a variety of music- and movie-related books, tapes, T-shirts, posters and memorabilia. As one customer remarked to Bell recently, “You’ve turned into the record store I remember.” Indeed, For The Record does have all the contents (if not the slick retail panache) of the classic Record Bar, which operated for years in the mall. If he’s not a true fan, Bell deserves credit for at least restoring a hint of hope and more than a little nostalgia to the mall. And yes, you can probably find a copy of “I Just Called to Say I Love You.” It is, after all, the mall.

vinylchattanooga Spinning around town at 331/3 By Chris Kelly • Photographs by Bill Ramsey Liner Notes

• This week’s cover photograph attempts to lovingly recreate The Who’s classic 1973 Quadrophenia album cover. For our homage, The Pulse’s own Josh Lang replaces the Mod “Jimmy” atop a classic Vespa graciously donated for the shoot by Winder Binder’s Dave Smotherman. The distinctive Who logo was handpainted on an old Army field jacket, replacing WHO with CHA, Chattanooga’s airport code. We found the U.S. Air Force technical sergeant stripes at the Brainerd Army Store. Shot outside The Pulse offices on Thursday, Dec. 8, 2011, the cover was art directed by Bill Ramsey and photographed by Lesha Patterson. The original Quadrophenia cover was designed and photographed by Graham Hughes. We hope we’ve done it justice.

All over Hamilton County and as far south as Dalton, sightings of hovering, rotating black discs have been reported. The discs were very common throughout the ’50s,’60s, ’70s and even into the ’80s, but disappeared due to technological progress and became only memories. Yet now vinyl LPs are making a major comeback. The invasion has only just begun in Chattanooga. As far back as the late 1800’s, “records” brought immense amounts of pleasure to generations of listeners. Those of us 36 and older, (give or take) have smuggled music and recorded media into our homes at various RPMs (mostly at 33 1/3 and 45) and these records brought us endless hours of listening pleasure. Or pain. Or comforted us through the pain. Turning our receiver dials to “phono” has generated songs of limitless joy as well as the bottomless despair. Sometimes the songs of heartbreak have made us cry even harder—but the songs helped us push on through. I had a lawn chair in my room when I was a teenager. Wedged tightly between my bed and stereo, with Realistic headphones on and the volume cranked up to broil, I found sanctuary. My first LPs were The Monkees’ Greatest Hits and KISS’ Destroyer. But those albums did not have the impact of the ones from my junior and senior years in high school. As I stared endlessly at the covers, searching for the meaning of life, Derek and the Dominos taught me all about unrequited love and not being able to have someone you really wanted. Dan Fogelberg, The Eagles, and the Nitty Gritty Dirt Band showed me the ropes of great acoustic music and Pure Prairie League let me sit down with them for hours of guitar lessons. Then Eric Clapton with his genius double live album Just One Night was there yet again as he showed me all about the blues. »P10

chattanoogapulse.com • december 15-21, 2011 • The Pulse • 9

The Stores Chad’s Records

• Chad’s is all about serious vinyl and has been the destination for aficionados and collectors for a dozen years. The Vine Street store is smallish but chock full of records of almost every genre, with dozens of gems hidden between the polybagged sleeves. Chad and his staff are very knowledgeable and will engage in you music trivia of the High Fidelity sort at the drop of a needle. Monday to Saturday, noon to 6 p.m. 324 Vine Street (423) 756-7563

For The Record

• For The Record is an odd bird—an independent record store in a mall, albeit a somewhat less-trafficked mall. Owners Mike and Gwen Bell stock thousands of records and a small selection of new vinyl. Bell also specializes in framing classic album covers. The store has a nice selection of used stereo components, T-shirts, posters, books, movies and memorabilia. Northgate Mall Monday to Saturday, 10 a.m. to 9 p.m. Sunday, noon to 6 p.m. (423) 413-1894

Leo Handmade Gallery

• A boutique record store, the selection at Leo on the North Shore is small but vital. The gallery also boasts a vibrant collection of issues from local bands amid its eclectic bins. 22 Frazier Avenue Tuesday and Wednesday, noon to 6 p.m. Thursday to Saturday, noon to 7 p.m. Sunday, noon to 6 p.m. (423) 634-7755

McKay

• The bins at this Mecca of Used are mostly bargain-priced albums, but the occasional gem might be found amid the largely pedestrian selection. 7734 Lee Highway Monday to Thursday, 9 a.m. to 9 p.m. Friday and Saturday, 9 a.m. to 10 p.m. Sunday, 11 a.m. to 7 p.m. (423) 892-0067

Grumpy’s

• We found some very nice collectible vinyl at Grumpy’s, which boasts a sizeable collection in the center of its roomy Hixson location. 3905 Hixson Pike Monday to Thursday, 11 a.m. to 7 p.m. Friday and Saturday, 10 a.m. to 9 p.m. Sunday, noon to 6 p.m. (423) 874-0242

One drink of wine Two drinks of gin Pretty young girl put me In the sha-ape I’m in Early in the Morning — Sonny Boy Williamson After high school, the CD brutally dethroned vinyl. I took my guitars and record player and moved from Rockwood, Tennessee to the Dallas/ Fort Worth metroplex. After two weeks there, I met owner Dana Bloxom while perusing Dino’s Records in Fort Worth. I told him I was new in town, we talked about music—and he hired me on the spot. It was a great place to work and I got to play records all day long, but the store finally closed its doors in 2004, due to the popularity of digital downloads so easily accessed on home computers. Easy access to the Internet and free music available took away the need to go hungry for a week, saving your lunch money in great anticipation of the new Def Leppard album. Lacking anything tangible to look at as music is piped into Internet speakers at the speed of light, meaning was lost. It seemed there would be no more hours of covergazing, or better yet, gatefoldgazing, looking for the secrets of the universe, reading and taking in every word like it meant life or death. It had seemed somehow as if the artists became your friends through the artwork and melodies. Even the music label information had some value. Now, the times they are a’changin’—again. Increasingingly, bands are releasing or re-releasing their music on vinyl. The CD has long lost its cachet, and downloads are just invisible tomfoolery. Music lovers have grown weary of this façade and it is time to switch gears. We came perilously close to losing the magic that only vinyl can create.

Records at the mall

Two divorces and a lot of years later, I’m in Chattanooga working at For the Record, a bright, eclectic store full of collectible vinyl, books, movies and rock-and-roll memorabilia. Mike and Gwen Bell, two se-

10 • The Pulse • december 15-21, 2011 • chattanoogapulse.com

“

I got albums through my father who was in the cigarette machine and jukebox business. He would bring albums home and I never had to buy them when I was young.” Mike Bell For The Record rious music enthusiasts/entrepreneurs opened this little establishment in Northgate Mall three years ago. People stream in and out of the store buying and selling albums. Most leave with smiles on their faces after reminiscing about those years of freedom before adulthood and bills took over their lives. “I love dealing with the public and people with great musical passions and helping them fulfill their collections,” says Mike Bell. “I got albums through my father who was in the cigarette machine and jukebox busi-

At For The Record in Northgate Mall, owner Mike Bell frames classic record album covers (top). The store, a rare find itself in a mall, stocks thousands of LPs, 45s, cassettes, CDs, books, movies and memorabilia, such as the promotional KISS display above. Mike and Gwen Bell began selling records and framed album covers at a kiosk in the mall three years ago and now occupy the former Waldenbooks location.

ness. He would bring albums home and I never had to buy them when I was young.” Bell has worked various jobs during his 58 years, from a preacher to painter. He’s found a way to make a living doing two things that bring him much happiness: selling records and framing art. For the Record’s walls are lined with framed LPs and singles. Each frame contains all the artwork that came with the record as well as the vinyl, turning each piece into in to a tasteful work of art. Every shelf in the store is packed with music memorabilia. Bell boasts, “We have the largest selection of new vinyl and posters in town, as well as a creative mixture of music and art.” Gwen Bell was born and raised here. As a child, she had to make weekly pilgrimages to a little corner drug store, allowance in hand, to fuel her main passions. “Every week I would go down there and buy one record and one comic,” she says. “My first records were given to me. I remember listening to the Smothers Brothers and the Lennon Sisters’ album, Sad Movies Make Me Cry, when I was really young, but the first album I ever bought was The Diamonds with the song Little Darlin.” She is constantly spinning

“

I take good care of all the vinyl that comes into the store. It’s all hand cleaned and graded before it hits the shelves. People find a wide range of music to browse that’s very affordable. If they want collectible stuff, I have that too.” Chad Bledsoe Chad’s Records

the Beatles on the store turntable. Her favorite Beatle is George Harrison, and she can tell you all about the history, wives, and tragedies behind the Beatles and most other rock stars.

No fad at Chad’s

“Our store is all killer and no filler,” exclaims the lone employee at Chad’s Records. Known only as

Chad Bledsoe, owner of Chad’s Records on Vine Street downtown, a destination for vinyl fans and record collectors for 12 years. Below, a near mint copy of The Knack’s ...but the little girls understand peaks out from the bins.

We love vinyl! Come browse our bins!

Used Books, CDs, Movies, & More

7734 Lee Highway • McKayBooks.com McKay Used Books & CDs

“John”, he is wiping down an LP as I enter the dimly lit store on Vine Street. Stacked and packed with records, the store is a trip back in time. Walls are adorned with rows of LPs representing the heyday of rock and roll, and a punk rock LP was spinning on the turntable. Proprietor Chad Bledsoe has owned the store for 23 years and is just as in love

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chattanoogapulse.com • december 15-21, 2011 • The Pulse • 11

with vinyl as he was as a child. “Since I was a little kid I’ve been into music of some kind,” he says. “When I was a teenager, I was into rhythmic music like disco and rock and pop. I’m a sucker for a good song, so I like artists like Journey and Rick Springfield and I’m equally interested in Prince, Rick James and The Gap Band. Then I got interested in classic rock during high school, especially Neil Young and The Doors.” Searching through the stacks of vinyl in Chad’s, you’ll find a huge jazz collection, an even bigger rock assortment—and an assortment of the despised compact disc. John says, “We have reduced our CD collection by at least a third lately. Since we moved next door, we just don’t have the room and there is a lack of interest in them.” Bledsoe began compiling records at an early age. “I had a collection of 200-300 albums before I opened the store. I liked vintage records and started buying them in the ’80s—that was part of the appeal. I take good care of all the vinyl that comes into the store. It’s all hand cleaned and graded before it hits the shelves. People find a wide

12 • The Pulse • december 15-21, 2011 • chattanoogapulse.com

At Leo Handmade Gallery (above and below) on the North Shore, the collection is small but eclectic and features the city’s best sampling of local bands who issue their music on vinyl. “Our store carries items from local musicians and artists,” says Bridget Miller, an employee at the gallery. “It’s important to promote locals and remember their talents. Oh, and we have great, cheap records, too.”

range of music to browse that’s very affordable. If they want collectible stuff, I have that too.”

LPs at Leo

Cold rain pelted me as I walked on Chattanooga’s North Shore. Shivering, I entered into the artsy confines of Leo Handmade Gallery and Boutique on Frazier Avenue. I soon recovered. This festive little store has jewelry, clothing and a smaller yet surprisingly diverse array of records that are its centerpiece. Employee Bridget Miller was busy arranging products and simultaneously attentive to cus-

»P14

vinylchattanooga

Cult of the Record Bar A love letter to the mall record store By Bill Ramsey

couple of months ago an obscure music website posted a story under the headline “CD-format to be abandoned by major labels by the end of 2012.” Through the power of the Internet, the justbelievable-enough story — which carried no byline and quoted no sources — reverberated across the web with the power of a New York Times blockbuster, at least to the music-buying public, who are so accustomed to downloading and streaming the article seemed altogether likely. Though not true—while growing fast, digital downloading and streaming are not expected to outpace CD sales anytime soon, with one industry executive claiming 74 percent of all albums sales this year came from CDs—the article did spark a debate among musicologists and fans: If the CD didn’t exist anymore would anyone miss it? The same story under a different headline was written 30 years ago when Sony offered the first CD (alongside the first CD player), notes New Musical Express music writer Luke Lewis, resulting in pure profits for music labels as we rushed to replace our vinyl collections with new compact discs. The story goes back further; the same apocalypse was sounded when 8-track tapes were introduced, then cassette tapes. In the digital download/streaming era, music fans lament the loss of the CD with less fervor than the death of the vinyl record, but audiophiles have noted the deterioration in quality with each revolution in format. But that’s another story. Lost in the debate, though not lost on the casual music buyer, is not the format but the delivery method. While the ability to instantly download or stream music cheaply, if not freely, to anyone with a decent Internet connection has been cause for celebration among music buyers, the romance of buying music, as this issue demonstrates, has not. For those born within the last 30 years, this argument will mean almost nothing. If you’ve purchased a CD in a retail store at all, chances are it was either at Best Buy or Walmart, neither of which will ever be the source of nostalgic movies starring the likes of John Cusack or Jack Black. But for those of us who grew up in the 1970s and ‘80s, buying music meant visiting the mall. Where I grew up in Hixson, that

meant Northgate, and the destination was Record Bar. There really was no other choice, at least for mainstream music fans like myself and many of my friends. Back then few of us had developed eclectic enough tastes to bother with the independent record stores, places like the Nickel Bag, which, while offering some paraphernalia of great interest to more than a few of us, reeked of what kids today might call old-school hippie music. No, what we wanted was the latest Springsteen, the new Tom Petty album, the hot Top 40 single (on 45rpm), maybe a poster, a Tshirt, one of those groovy Discwasher cleaning systems. The Record Bar was no Championship Vinyl, the fictional record store owned by John Cusak in High Fidelity and staffed by quirky geeks with encyclopedic knowledge of music, but for many it was the epitome of hip (who, after all, didn’t want to work in a record store) and for some, a career (there is a Cult of the Record Bar Facebook page where former managers and employees trade memories). It was also, with the possible exception of Spencer Gifts, the coolest store in the mall, a sanctuary and a temple, a gathering place now fondly remembered as less than a retail outlet than an iconic element of the youth of a few generations. Of course, the Record Bar wasn’t the only store in town. Freestanding music stores began popping up in the late 1970s and preferences, if not allegiances, were formed. Across Hwy. 153 from Northgate, an oasis of cool was birthed in the form of Paradise Records in what then seemed an enormous space devoted entirely to all things music. Wall-to-wall bins of albums, tapes, posters and accessories filled Paradise, along with an impressive collection of non-mainstream records that became increasingly important » P14 chattanoogapulse.com • december 15-21, 2011 • The Pulse • 13

CHATTANOOGA’S ART & CUSTOM FRAMING STORE

Record Bar » P13

exCluSively At HAMiltON PlACe

ART WORKSHOPS DEMOS & CLASSES

TOM LYNCH JANUARY 18-21, 2012

One of the nation’s premier watercolorists will be at Art Creations Hamilton Place for a two-hour demo and a three-day workshop.

Tom Lynch 2-Hour Demonstration Jan. 18, 2012 • $20

Tom Lynch 3-Day Workshop Jan. 19-21, 2012 • $375

WORKSHOPS & CLASSES JANUARY 2012

Winter Art Courses for adults, teens and children begin in January at Art Creations Hamilton Place!

Drawing Fundamentals • Creativity Perspective Drawing • Mixed Media Color Theory • Children’s Drawing Bookbinding • Acrylics • Paintin • Cartooning PLUS ONE-DAY WORKSHOPS IN FEBRUARY FULL-SCHEDULE, COURSE DESCRIPTIONS AND ONLINE REGISTRATION AT

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(423) 266-3626 Ext. 2

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(Downtown on the North Shore)

(423) 266-3626 art-creations.com • Like us on Facebook

“

Every record is completely different from the last. I think everybody would be interested in our cult sounds. We’re not playing many live shows, but doing a lot of recording—and clipping a lot of coupons.” Arettie Ford Bassist for The Stacker 3 tomers’ needs. “Our store carries items from local musicians and artists. It’s important to promote locals and remember their talents. Oh, and we have great, cheap records, too.” While chatting with Bridget, I met local musician Arettie Ford, bassist for the cult-inspired band The Stacker 3. All of their music is instrumental and is recorded and sold on vinyl, and every album also comes with a burned CD as a bonus. Their latest disc, Healter Skelter, an album named for the Charles Manson killing spree, was on sale in the store. The artwork on this disc even has its own unique font—

14 • The Pulse • december 15-21, 2011 • chattanoogapulse.com

the Charles Manson Font, was created by local artist Emily Efflin after viewing Manson’s handwriting online and reproducing it for the record sleeve. Ford excitedly talks about the band’s next project, Seven Seals, which is directly inspired by the story of the Branch Davidians. She says, “Every record is completely different from the last. I think everybody would be interested in our cult sounds. We’re not playing many live shows, but doing a lot of recording— and clipping a lot of coupons.”

The Collector

“There’s nothing better

Dan Frix, a collector who works at The Book Company, a used book and rector store in East Ridge, combs through the bins at his store.

than vinyl and the aesthetic beauty of albums. You can just disappear in the music and cover of a Rolling Stones’ album like Their Satanic Majesty’s Request,” says record collector Dan Frix. He has more than 1,000 albums and has been in love with the black discs since he was a toddler. “I remember being in a baby pool when I was 2 or 3 years old. My brother and sister were having a great time as “Please Please Me” by The Beatles spun on our little record player on the back porch. I was enamored. And hooked from that point. Later on I got into the Clash, Elvis Costello, and the Velvet Underground, but I love the Beatles.” Frix collects albums simply for the love of music and the deep, rich quality of sound records produce. He’s never been one to collect vinyl just for the sake of collecting the records or for financial gain. He admon-

as our musical tastes evolved. Before the end of the ’80s, Record Bar had become Tracks, Paradise morphed into Peaches, then Cats, before the entire enterprise folded into the megastore, or the big-box outlet. Or whatever. For me and many of my friends, the memory of the Record Bar (and Paradise, Peaches and Cats) is as strong and personal as the music we purchased there. We combed the bins together, sharing opinions, comparing notes and flaunting our (always) superior musical tastes. In the best-case scenario, we traveled in pairs (who went to the mall alone?), bought our favorites and ran home to engage in a stereophonic battle of the bands. Sure, we loved the music, but it was the records and, to a large extent, the record store that brought us together, even those of us who had nothing else in common. I struggle to remember the last time I purchased a physical piece of music. I’ve long since liquidated my massive LP collection and largely abandoned collecting CDs. Hell, my iPod mostly sits in a drawer, uncharged and collecting dust. I listen to music in my car and stream it on my computer at work, but there’s no evidence at home that I’m the hardcore fan and collector I was even 15 years ago. When I moved back to my hometown of Hixson this year after 30 years away and only a handful of visits in between, I was eager to visit my old stomping grounds. As I wandered into Northgate, it seemed impossibly small, nowhere near the palatial plaza I remembered. Gone were my favorite haunts—the Record Bar, WaldenBooks and (from a later age) Mr. P’s—and, like many malls, the place had a faintly decaying air, as if it were hanging on just long enough for me to pay my respects. But as I made my way around the mall, I was pleasantly surprised to find For The Record—an actual record store. In the mall. In 2011. (See Page 8 for a profile.) It’s no Record Bar or, for that matter, a true indie record store, either. But the store gave me hope—for music, for malls, for everything that lives in my ever-more present nostalgia. At 47, I’m too young to linger long in the past, but old enough to appreciate what made it worthy of nostalgia—and I’m not alone, as I’m reminded each time I mention the Record Bar on Facebook. While my taste in music has changed over the years, I’m pleased, even sentimental at the idea that a store like For the Record exists in my mall after all these years. While the Best Buys and the Walmarts still stock all the hits and more than a few misses, I doubt 30 years hence anyone will recall a memorable moment there, much less devote a Facebook page to the experience. ❧

ishes those that do: “They think it’s blue-chip stock that will always hold its value. They should listen to it and pay attention to the musicianship, engineering and production. Don’t miss out on the sonic beauty of records.” So maybe vinyl will come back in a very big way. Chattanooga has laid the runway out for the potential return, and many people are lining up to see the touch down. Vinyl can take us away to a better place and time where the world wasn’t so complicated. Buy a record for your teenager or spouse this Christmas. Place it under the tree while visions of lava lamps and black lights dance in your head. Chris Kelly is a failed musician and freelance writer who found himself living in Chattanooga one confused and hungover morning. He tried long, long ago to escape the clutches of his love for music and actually working a real job, but finally realized the he didn’t choose this road. It chose him, man. Email Chris at hawkeye1969@hotmail.com.

Vinyl stats • Vinyl is the fastest-growing musical format in the U.S. In 2010, vinyl posted a 14 percent sales gain, according to Billboard magazine. In 2008, record companies shipped millions of units of vinyl— that number grows every year. In 2009, 2.5 million vinyl albums were sold; in 2010, that number rose to 2.8 million and cracked the Nielsen SoundScan sales record. • In January 2008, Time magazine likened listening to vinyl to eating a gourmet meal in comparison to listening to any other format. • At Crooked Beat, a large music store in Washington D.C., vinyl record sales account for 99 percent of its business. • A CD manufacturing company in Virginia, Furnace MFG, under massive demand, has had to change its core of production to vinyl. — Chris Kelly

Hipster Hi-Fi for $1K • Collecting vinyl is all the rage among the kids, but we forgot to tell you—you’ll need a stereo. Chance are, most people won’t be compiling thousands of records, but for your new and gently used discs, you’ll want a decent sound system. Serious audiophiles spend tens of thousands on their equipment, debating the merits of turntables, receivers, tuners, amps and speakers on dozens of websites, but if you’re on a budget and simply want a quality functional stereo, you’re in luck. For about what you’d pay for a nice Mac laptop, you can own a relatively nice component system. Here’s a recommendation from hifihipster.com: • Turntable: Pro-ject Debut III, $349, Amazon.com • Amplifier: Cambridge Audio Topaz AM10, $349, Amazon. com • Speakers: Klipsch B-2 Synergy, $180, Amazon.com • Cables and other accessories: $50 Total: $928 That’s hardly pocket change. But you will spare yourself the embarrassment of spinning your LPs, 45s and 7-inchers on the ugly but cheap Crosley close-and-play (shown at right). The more adventurous can find deals on Craigslist.com and eBay.com. — Bill Ramsey

Best sellers At Amazon.com, Dec. 12

1. Abbey Road The Beatles 2. For Emma, Forever Ago Bon Iver 3. In Rainbows Radiohead 4. OK Computer Radiohead 5. Thriller Michael Jackson 6. Back to Black Amy Winehouse 7. A Love Supreme John Coltrane 8. In The Aeroplane Over The Sea Neutral Milk Hotel 9. Fleet Foxes Fleet Foxes 10. Pet Sounds The Beach Boys

chattanoogapulse.com • december 15-21, 2011 • The Pulse • 15

HAVE YOUR

PET PHOTOGRAPHED WITH

SANTA

cl aw s

o celebrate the holiday season, McKamey Animal Center is offering pet photos with Santa Claws! This year, Santa will be joined by Mrs. Claws! Bring in your furry family members to get their pictures taken with Santa by local photographers from Artist’s Eye Photography. The photo fee is $20 and you will receive a CD of your pictures — perfect for Christmas cards!

Saturday, December 17 11 a.m. to 3 p.m. McKamey Animal Center 4500 N Access Road 423.305.6504

No appointment necessary. Proceeds benefit homeless animals at the McKamey Center.

Remember this holiday season with a professional portrait of your pet with Santa.

HAPPY HOLIDAYS!

16 • The Pulse • december 15-21, 2011 • chattanoogapulse.com

CALENDAR

LIST

THE dec. DEC. 15-21

» pulse picks

THUR12.15 MUSIC Ian Thomas with Long Gone Darlings • Knoxville’s troubadour Thomas and his kick-ass band. $7. 9 p.m. The Honest Pint, 35 Patten Pkwy. (423) 468-4192. thehonestpint.com

Uncle Andy’s Christmas Spectacular Fri • 12.16 • Barking Legs See Pulse Picks

EVENT “Torah Covers, Sacred Textiles”

» pulse pick OF THE LITTER

Straight Outta Portland With Joyful Chaos

• 24 covers on loan from synagogues nationwide. Free. 5:30 p.m. Jewish Cultural Center, 5461 N. Terrace Rd. (423) 493-0270. jewishchattanooga.com

FRI12.16 MUSIC Daryl Hance • Former JJ Grey and Mofro guitarist hits town. $3. 10 p.m. Market Street Tavern, 850 Market St. (423) 634-0260. marketstreettavern.com

IDIOT BOX

EVENT

Holiday Shock

Uncle Andy’s Christmas Spectacular

• We don’t ordinarily recommend TV programs here at The List, but we do make exceptions for quality locally produced programming. In our Halloween issue, we reported on the return of Dr. Shock, the iconic Chattanooga horror host created by Tommy Reynolds on WTVC-TV Channel 9 in the 1970s. Local musician-turned-actor Jack Gray has worked tirelessly to bring the character back from the graveyard of local programming (which doesn’t really exist anymore) but had been thwarted by various elements within the local TV community. Happily, we can now announce that Shock Theatre (including Gray as Shock, that adorably disturbing puppet sidekick Dingbat, Constance Haynes as Nurse Goodbody and a mysterious unknown as The Dirge) will make its historic return to the local airwaves from 9 to 11 p.m on Saturday, Dec. 17, on WDEF-TV Channel 12’s digital TuffTV channel. Expect a full helping of schlocky horror and antics in between a screening of the classic George Romeros film, Night of the Living Dead. The program will repeat from 9 to 11 p.m on Sunday, Dec. 25, and from midnight to 2 a.m. on Monday, Dec. 26. Shock Theatre presents Night of the Living Dead Sat • 12.17 9 p.m. WDEF-TV Channel 12/TuffTV

• Local comic sends up classic TV Christmas specials. $8. 8 p.m. Barking Legs Theater, 1307 Dodds Ave. (423) 624-5347. barkinglegs.org

SAT12.17 MUSIC Unknown Hinson with the Maycomb Criers • Wild man of country western. $10. 10 p.m. The Honest Pint. 35 Patten Pkwy. (423) 468-4192. thehonestpint.com

EVENT Ballet Tennessee’s The Nutcracker • Just not Christmas without the Mouse King. $15-$20. 8 p.m. Roland Hayes Concert Hall, UTC Fine Arts Center, Vine & Palmetto Sts. (423) 425-4269. utc.edu/finearts

SUN12.18 MUSIC Irish Music Session

sat • 12.17 • Psych-Rockers Morning Teleportation Materialize • The fans at SXSW loved them—now’s your chance. With Cadillac Saints and The Black Shades. $7. 9 p.m. JJ’s Bohemia, 231 E. MLK Blvd. (423) 266-1400. myspace.com/jjsbohemia

• Get into the spirit with some Auld Sod tunes. Free. 3 p.m. The Honest Pint, 35 Patten Pkwy. (423)468-4192. thehonestpint.com

EVENT CSO’s “Home for the Holidays” • One of the season’s must-do’s. $10-up. Tivoli Theatre, 709 Broad St. (423) 265-0617. chattanoogaonstage.com

chattanoogapulse.com • december 15-21, 2011 • The Pulse • 17

Music

Out On The Porch

The New Empires

By Tara V Oh, ’tis the season…The season to be jolly, to spread kindness while sharing quality time with your family and trying to remember to not drink as much this year at the company Christmas party. Although it seems that what we are hearing most of is the comparison of GOP candidates to Santa’s reindeer and trying to decide who really is behind taking Christ out of Christmas. I blame it on those unholy 99 percenters. Whoever you choose to blame, just loosen up that scarf and manage the inner beast that wants to cut up all the credit cards in-between choking in-laws with string LED lights. But what calms this beast? Why, music of course—local music, that is. You have the power to buy local and share your favorite locals this holiday season, especially with our younger generations. Once upon a time, I had the crazy cousin who would get me some obscure metal CD. If I listened to them now, I would laugh and probably think that I have acquired a more mature taste for metal, but in the reality of it all, these CDs made me more apt to go into record shops and not worry about only getting the mainstream hits. Cover art and even the “dedicated to” sections interested me and this simple act opened up my musical mind. This excitement carries over to my mid-adulthood with the new local band The New Empires—and I am dubbing them a personal porch favorite. “Porch favorites” come along when I can play the music around my musically diverse friends without causing a stir, other than someone asking, “Who is that?” After speaking with one of the six members of The New Empires, Matt Brown, I was surprised to hear such a poetic tone behind his writing. Their self-

18 • The Pulse • december 15-21, 2011 • chattanoogapulse.com

“

Somewhere in a land far away Incubus meets the Beatles and they decide to venture off into a magical world of chamber pop with a somewhat Celtic balance. titled album debuted on Dec.1 and sifts though old forgotten places, ending with the repetition that all is not lost. The 10-song LP was recorded, mixed and mastered by Chris Griffin at The Engine Room in New York City. This is the same studio that has housed names such as Madonna, The Yeah Yeah Yeahs, Kanye West, Kelly Clarkson and The Hold Steady.

All the members met at Covenant College. Elise Ziegenbien and Steph Hughes reside now in Atlanta but won’t hesitate to share their classic and folk backgrounds by commuting to Chattanooga. Jazz and Irish styling mix with members Ellie and David Henry, while completing the group (and Matt Brown’s dreams) was Jeremy Weber, who brought a nuance of unique styling and out-of-the-box morale. The New Empires have become another local group illustrating my belief that genres are dead. Somewhere in a land far away Incubus meets the Beatles and they decide to venture off into a magical world of chamber pop with a somewhat Celtic balance that is sweet to the taste and tells a story not too far from my own— or yours for that matter. As we manage the cold and darker days with the stresses of the holidays, we begin to remember our own story and so does the artfully put together writing of this album.

Most of us have the same lows that accompany an abrupt ability to survive and conquer all. So when you are thinking about what to get your friends, children, or those nieces and nephews, think outside the box. Don’t buy them an MP3 download—make it personal. Let them remember that music used to be held in your hand and lyrics read on the case Support local business and our very own lyrical entrepreneurs by giving the gift of music. These Bieberized young folk may look at you oddly at first but for all you know, you may help them on their journey, exposing them to a whole new world of music and inspiring them to get on or have a dedication page of their own. Personally, I am proud to become that crazy obscure aunt this year.

The New Empires JJ’s Bohemia on Feb. 2 Buy the CD at thenewempires.com Find them on Facebook

HIS+HERS HOLIDAY GIFT GUIDE 2011

chattanoogapulse.com • december 15-21, 2011 • The Pulse • 19

HIS+HERS

Outfit the cyclist on your list with the finest in accessories this season

gift guide Cycle Sport Concepts

516 E. Main St. 423.531.7623 Mon.-Sat. 10 a.m. to 6 p.m. csctenn.com

B D C

Cooler weather is here and Cycle Sport Concepts has you covered from head to toe. For those of you who commute to work we have apparel to keep you warm, lights to keep you safe, and locks to keep your bike secure. In addition to the gear, bicycles that are perfect for the downtown commute or riding down the Riverpark are in stock starting as low as $380! A. Specialized Balaclava • $30 B. Specialized BG Gel Wiretap glove • $45 C. Specialized Street Smart Helmet • $60 D. Knog Frog Strobe • $25 pair or $12.50 each E. Knog Party Frank lock • $20

www.CSCTENN.com

• New bicycles purchased from Cycle Sport Concepts come with a lifetime of free tune-ups. • Ask about Specialized S-Card financing and our layaway program. • As always, all bicycles are below MSRP! Bring this ad with you and receive a FREE Grand Opening water bottle while supplies last!

HIS+HERS gift guide Ignis Glass Studio

1800 Rossville Ave. 423.265.2565 ignisglass.com

Blow your own glass ornament

OVER/UNDER

SALE

Ignis Glass Studio and Gallery is opening the studio for the holiday season to let the public come in and blow their own heirloom glass ornament. This is the perfect holiday experience for family, friends and even large groups to experience what it is like to actually participate in the 2,000-year-old art of glass blowing. Participants will choose their own colors, help work the piece and actually capture their own breath in glass. Appointments are available through December 23rd.

All indvidual glass items

Visitors may also check out the gallery sale where individual glass items over $100 are 50% off and items under $100 are 10% off through December 23rd.

items under $100

50% OFF 10% OFF items over $100

Offer excludes non-glass items and blow-your-own ornaments. Not valid with any other offer. Expires 12/23/11

20 • The Pulse • december 15-21, 2011 • chattanoogapulse.com

stuffit! This Season, Be Original.

stylish. unique.

stocking stuffers and gift ideas

Elle MacPherson Intimates

Buy, Sell& Trade

A world travelled gathering influences from the past, the present and the future.

Custom Jewelry. Like No Other. benchvizion.com

Get Grumpy for the Holidays

ELLIE’S FINE LINGERIE Warehouse Row 1110 Market Street 423.531.3054

benchvizion.com

Prentice

moccasin bend brewing co.

Dress up your holiday cocktails

FIVE-TIME WINNER OF

CHATTANOOGA’S BEST BEER SERIES

15% off any One Item! with coupon

Tasting room open Friday, Saturday and Sunday (423) 821-6392 4015 Tennessee Ave in St. Elmo like us on facebook!

One North Shore 200 Manufacturers Road Suite 222 (423) 755-8858

Unique Gifts for the Holidays Plum Nelly 330 Frazier 423.266.0585

plumnellyshop.com

HAPPY HOLIDAYS! Original Art | Custom Framing DIPLOMAS family photos

FINE ART

posters

•

prints

PORTRAITS

Creative Custom Framing And Original Art For Your Holiday Gifts and Memories!

SPARKLE PRETTY DRESSES COZY SWEATERS JACKETS AND MORE

30%

4520 Hixson Pike

(423) 877-1391 benchvizion.com Mon-Fri 10-6 Sat By Appt

Find us on Facebook

OFF!

‘Tis the season for benchvizion.com Massage Envy Spa gift cards.

OPEN 7 DAYS FOR MORE HOLIDAY FUN! OR SCHEDULE AN APPOINTMENT

421 MARKET ST. (NEXT TO PANERA BREAD) (423) 755-8867

LIKE US ON FACEBOOK FOR QUICK INFORMATION ABOUT SALES & PROMOTIONS!!

Ready to gift in any denomination at Massage Envy Chattanooga.

345 Frazier Avenue • Next to Regions Bank • (423) 757-2900

chattanoogapulse.com • december 15-21, 2011 • The Pulse • 21

28th annual holiday gift wrap

get

wrapped up! Bring your gift to the Holiday Gift Wrap! All proceeds benefit

Hamilton Place • Dec. 8-24 • Open all day during mall hours 2 Locations: Tourist Information Center & JCPenney’s (downstairs)

From $3*

(*and up based on size) includes boxes, tissue, variety of papers, ribbons, bows and gift tags!

22 • The Pulse • december 15-21, 2011 • chattanoogapulse.com

Between the Sleeves

ERNIE PAIK

Badassery and Aural Abstracts Tom Waits has unveiled musical personas so distinctive over his career, coupled with his unique, world-weary, gravelly voice, that none would dare imitate him without facing his wrath, disdain, and possibly lawsuits—just ask Frito-Lay, which was sued after using a Waits sound-alike Tom Waits in a Doritos comBad As Me mercial. In the ’70s, Waits (ANTI-) proffered his downand-out beatnik-born-too-late ballads, followed by his ’80s reboot—thanks to songwriting partner Kathleen Brennan—with Captain Beefheart-inspired, avant-hobocabaret stylings beginning with the 1983 masterpiece Swordfishtrombones. In 1992, Waits upped the ante with the skeletal sonic badlands of Bone Machine, a monumental, next-level album, and since then, he has more-or-less used the same blueprint, evident on his latest album, Bad As Me, his first album of new studio material

in seven years. The phrase “Don’t fix what ain’t broke” comes to mind—Waits mines familiar moods, sure, but the song caliber is certainly up to snuff. Waits has a pointed musical eccentricity, tossing in instruments like the banjo, accordion, or tabla as if it was the most natural thing to do, and Bad As Me launches with “Chicago,” a junkyard art-blues train song featuring Waits’s familiar growl and accented with Marc Ribot’s distinguished guitar licks. The songwriting team of Waits and Brennan, as expected, has come up with vivid lyrics in a storytelling vein, using phrases that each packs a wallop and twisted rhymes. Take “After You Die,” a list of afterlife metaphors which uses the couplet, “Like a back door squeaking / Like a crack whore tweaking.” Waits shifts gears frequently, going from the rockabilly swagger of “Get Lost” to the sentimental balladry of “Last Leaf” to the death-march war stomp “Hell Broke Luce.” The album isn’t the reboot that some might be expecting, but Waits delivers the goods with his affected misanthropic style, filling Bad As Me with his own kind of badassery.

The unclassifiable Australian improvising trio The Necks has a novel approach to music-making, where the length of the song is a key constraint. It’s sort of like a painter thinking, “I’m not sure what my next piece will look like, but it must be 20 by 30 feet in size.” For more than The Necks two decades, the Mindset instrumental outfit (Fish of Milk/ReR) has been crafting long, gradually unfurling pieces with nods to minimalism and modern jazz with a focused discipline and patience, and an average track for the band is about an hour long. The group’s superb new album, Mindset, is also its first to be released on vinyl in addition to CD; this is actually an insight, regarding the atypical song lengths on this release—both tracks are each 21 minutes long, which is the perfect length for a vinyl LP. With the decreased song duration, the first track, “Rum Jungle,” is much more

urgent than a regular Necks piece, establishing itself with a full sound almost immediately with a web of tension. Bassist Lloyd Swanton provides relentless plucking, drifting in and out of sync with percussionist and drummer Tony Buck’s insistent ride cymbal tapping, while pianist Chris Abrahams forcefully bangs out ringing low notes; it’s an uncommon mood for the band, sounding aggressive but still retaining a shimmering, graceful quality. Toward the end of the piece, Buck unleashes a surprise by adding some frantic, sustained electric guitar strums, a la This Heat, and even at 21 minutes, “Rum Jungle” oddly feels like an invigorating sprint. The second number, “Daylights,” is equally mysterious but has a reserved manner, using glitchy electronic blips and questioning piano meanderings. Unlike the trio’s live improvisations, this studio recording employs overdubbing, resulting in a layered, dense concoction with bass plucks and bowed notes and subtle, distinct elements that reveal themselves then gingerly step back; Mindset is the aural equivalent of a huge abstract painting with countless spots upon which to focus. chattanoogapulse.com • december 15-21, 2011 • The Pulse • 23

Chattanooga Live Thur 12.15

Wednesday • December 14 Sons of Tonatiah Unspoken Triumph Friday • December 16 Shovels and Rope The Bohannons Saturday • December 17 Morning Teleportation Cadillac Saints The Black Shades Saturday • December 31 Machines Are People Too New Year’s Eve Bash

Sushi Bar Restaurant Nightclub 409 Market Street 423.756.1919

$2 DRAFT M DJ T SPICOLLI Open Mic 50 NIGHT W DUBSTEP T PARTY UPSTAIRS Monday Night FOOTBALL

WINGS $3 SUSHI ROLLS WED. & THURS!

WEEKEND!

FRI sat

$ BEER

10-11

LIVE MUSIC WITH

STEVIE MONCE

$ BEER

10-11

LIVE MUSIC WITH

BRIAN COLLINS

Party on Two Floors!

1st Floor: Live Music • 2nd Floor: Dancing

Norma Jeans, Oh Sleeper, Memphis May Fire, Stray From The Path, Lower Than Atlantis, Tir Asleen 6 p.m. The Warehouse, 412 Market St. (423) 757-1569. warehousevenue.com James Rogers 7 p.m. The Colonnade Center, 264 Catoosa Circle, Ringgold. (706) 935-9000. colonnadecenter.org Ruben Studdard 7 p.m. Olivet Baptist Chruch, 740 E. MLK Blvd. (423) 266-8709. obcministries.org Brad Tursi 7:30 p.m. Sugar’s Ribs, 507 Broad St. (423) 508-8956. sugarsribs.com DJ Flux 308, Digital Butter, DJ K7 9 p.m. Track 29, 1400 Market St, Choo Choo Campus. (423) 266-5000. track29.co Queen B & The Well Strung Band 8 p.m. The Lounge at The Palms at Hamilton, 6925 Shallowford Rd. (423) 499-5055. thepalmsathamilton.com The Crew 8 p.m. Acoustic Café, 61 RBC Dr., Ringgold. (706) 965-2065. ringgoldacoustic.com Ian Thomas 9 p.m. The Honest Pint, 35 Patten Pkwy. (423) 468-4192. thehonestpint.com Josh Gilbert, Jordan Hallquist, Dan Pinson 9:30 p.m. Rhythm & Brews, 221 Market St. (423) 267-4644. rhythm-brews.com

Fri 12.16 Lauren Koch,

24 • The Pulse • december 15-21, 2011 • chattanoogapulse.com

PULSE PICK Unknown Hinson with the Maycomb Criers • Wild man of country western. $10. 10 p.m. The Honest Pint. 35 Patten Pkwy. (423) 468-4192. thehonestpint.com

Valerie Duke, Casey Whitaker, Jeremy Campbell, Lindsay Weaver 7 p.m. The Warehouse, 412 Market St. (423) 757-1569. warehousevenue.com Fried Chicken Trio, Arlo Gilliam 8 p.m. Acoustic Café, 61 RBC Dr., Ringgold. (706) 965-2065. ringgoldacoustic.com Priscilla & Lil Ricky 8:30 p.m. The Foundry (at the Chattanoogan Hotel), 1201 Broad St. (423) 756-3400. chattanooganhotel.com Most Important Band in the World 9 p.m. Sugar’s Ribs, 507 Broad St.

(423) 508-8956. sugarsribs.com Shovels and Rope, The Bohannons 9 p.m. JJ’s Bohemia, 231 E. MLK Blvd. (423) 266-1400. myspace.com/ jjsbohemia Stevie Monce 9 p.m. Raw, 409 Market St. (423) 756-1919. myspace.com/ jimstriker Mark “Porkchop” Holder 9 p.m. The Office (inside Days Inn), 901 Carter St. (423) 634-9191. Find them on Facebook. Husky Burnette 9:30 p.m. Sky Zoo, 5709 Lee Highway. (423) 468-4533.

PULSE PICK Ian Thomas with Long Gone Darlings • Knoxville’s troubadour Thomas and his kick-ass band. $7. 9 p.m. The Honest Pint, 35 Patten Pkwy. (423) 468-4192. thehonestpint.com

Elk Milk 10 p.m. Rhythm & Brews, 221 Market St. (423) 267-4644. rhythm-brews.com

skyzoochattanooga.com Soul Survivor 10 p.m. Bud’s Sports Bar, 5751 Brainerd Rd. (423) 499-9878. budssportsbar.com Daryl Hance 10 p.m. Market Street Tavern, 850 Market St. (423) 634-0260. Find them on Facebook. Zoso: The Ultimate Led Zeppelin Tribute 10 p.m. Rhythm & Brews, 221 Market St. (423) 267-4644. rhythm-brews.com

Sun 12.18 The Secret Commonwealth 7 p.m. The Honest Pint, 35 Patten Pkwy. (423) 468-4192. thehonestpint.com

Mon 12.19 Southside Casual Classics 8 p.m. The CampHouse, 1427 Williams St. (423) 702-8081. thecamphouse.com Mountain Music 9 p.m. Market Street Tavern, 850 Market St. (423) 634-0260. Find them on Facebook.

Sat 12.17 Jennifer Daniels Christmas Show 7 p.m. Rhythm & Brews, 221 Market St. (423) 267-4644. rhythm-brews.com The Secret Commonwealth, The Fog 8 p.m. Acoustic Café, 61 RBC Dr., Ringgold. (706) 965-2065. ringgoldacoustic.com Speakeasy Revue 8 p.m. Moccasin Bend Brewing Company, 4015 Tennessee Avenue (423) 821-6392. hbendbrewingbeer.com Stoneline featuring the Corpsewax Dollies, Underground Oasis 8 p.m. Ziggy’s Underground, 607 Cherokee Blvd. Priscilla & Lil Ricky 8:30 p.m. The Foundry (at the Chattanoogan Hotel), 1201 Broad St. (423) 756-3400. chattanooganhotel.com Land Camera, Raenbow Station, tHE HEARtS IN LIGHt 9 p.m. Track 29, 1400 Market St, Choo Choo Campus. (423) 266-5000.

901 Carter St (Inside Days Inn) 423-634-9191

Thursday, Dec. 15: 9pm

Open Mic: Mark Holder Friday, Dec. 16: 9pm

Mark “Porkchop” Holder Saturday, Dec. 17: 9pm

Hap Henninger Sunday, Dec. 18

Sunday Night Football • $5 Pitchers

Tuesday, Dec. 20

Server Appreciation Night

$5 Pitchers • $2 Wells • $1.50 Domestics

All shows are free with dinner or 2 drinks! Stop by & check out our daily specials! Happy Hour: Mon-Fri: 4-7pm $1 10oz drafts, $3 32oz drafts, $2 Wells, $1.50 Domestics, Free Appetizers

Facebook.com/theofficechatt

Wed 12.21

PULSE PICK Daryl Hance • Former JJ Grey and Mofro guitarist hits town. $3. 10 p.m. Market Street Tavern, 850 Market St. (423) 634-0260. marketstreettavern.com

track29.co Soul Survivor 9 p.m. Bart’s Lakeshore, 5840 Lake Resort Terrace. (423) 870-077. bartslakeshore.com Most Important Band in the World 9 p.m. Sugar’s Ribs, 507 Broad St.

(423) 508-8956. sugarsribs.com Morning Teleportation, Cadillac Saints, The Black Shades 9 p.m. JJ’s Bohemia, 231 E. MLK Blvd. (423) 266-1400. myspace.com/ jjsbohemia

Brian Collins 9 p.m. Raw, 409 Market St. (423) 756-1919. myspace.com/ jimstriker Hap Henninger 9 p.m. The Office (inside Days Inn), 901 Carter St. (423) 634-9191. Find them on Facebook. Unknown Hinson 10 p.m. The Honest Pint, 35 Patten Pkwy. (423) 468-4192. thehonestpint.com The Formidables,

Prime Cut Trio 8 p.m. The Lounge at The Palms at Hamilton, 6925 Shallowford Rd. (423) 499-5055. thepalmsathamilton.com 40oz Folklore, Test Dream, The Whoremones 9 p.m. The Honest Pint, 35 Patten Pkwy. (423) 468-4192. thehonestpint.com Kenny Berry 9 p.m. Bud’s Sports Bar, 5751 Brainerd Rd. (423) 499-9878. budssportsbar.com Summer Hullender 9:30 p.m. Rhythm & Brews, 221 Market St. (423) 267-4644. rhythm-brews.com

Nightly Specials

Send live music listings at least 10 days in advance to: calendar@ chattanoogapulse.com. chattanoogapulse.com • december 15-21, 2011 • The Pulse • 25

Chattanooga Live Regular Gigs Thursdays Ben Friberg Trio 7 p.m. Table 2, 232 E. 11th St. (423) 756-8253. table2restaurant.com

Jimmy Harris

7 p.m. The Coconut Room at The Palms at Hamilton, 6925 Shallowford Rd. (423) 499-5055. thepalmsathamilton.com

Open Mic Night

7:30 p.m. The CampHouse, 1427 Williams St. (423) 702-8081. thecamphouse.com

Blues Jam with Rick Rushing 7:30 p.m. Market Street Tavern, 850 Market St., (423) 634-0260. marketstreettavern.com

DJ Hammer

9 p.m. Bud’s Sports Bar, 5751 Brainerd Rd. (423) 499-9878. budssportsbar.com

Fridays Johnny Cash Tribute Band 5 p.m. Chattanooga Choo Choo Victorian Lounge, 1400 Market St. (423) 266-5000. choochoo.com

Ben Friberg Trio

6:30 p.m. Table 2, 232 East 11th St. (423) 756-8253. table2restaurant.com

Jimmy Harris

7 p.m. The Coconut Room at The Palms at Hamilton, 6925 Shallowford Rd. (423) 499-5055. thepalmsathamilton.com

Saturdays Johnny Cash Tribute Band 5 p.m. Chattanooga Choo Choo Victorian Lounge, 1400 Market St. (423) 266-5000. choochoo.com

PULSE PICK Irish Music Session • Get into the spirit with some Auld Sod tunes. Free. 3 p.m. The Honest Pint, 35 Patten Pkwy. (423)468-4192. thehonestpint.com

Jimmy Harris

7 p.m. The Coconut Room at The Palms at Hamilton, 6925 Shallowford Rd. (423) 499-5055. thepalmsathamilton.com

Sundays Irish Music Session 3 p.m. The Honest Pint, 35 Patten Pkwy. (423) 468-4192. thehonestpint.com

26 • The Pulse • december 15-21, 2011 • chattanoogapulse.com

Mondays Jacob Johnson 7 p.m. Pasha Coffee and Tea,3914 St. Elmo Ave. (423) 475-5482. pashacoffeehouse.com

Big Band Night

8 p.m. The Coconut Room at The Palms at Hamilton, 6925 Shallowford Rd. (423) 499-5055. thepalmsathamilton.com

Tuesdays Open Mic with Mike McDade

(423) 499-5055. thepalmsathamilton.com

8 p.m. Tremont Tavern, 1203 Hixson Pk. (423) 266-1996. tremonttavern.com

Ben Friberg Trio

8 p.m. Southside Saloon & Bistro, 1301 Chestnut St., (423) 757-4730. southsidesaloonbistro.com

Open Mic Night

Troy Underwood

Hawkboy, Ocean Is Theory, Behold The Brave, Canines, Marksmen 8 p.m. The Warehouse, 412 Market St. (423) 757-1569. warehousevenue.com

Wednesdays Jimmy Harris 6:30 p.m. The Coconut Room at The Palms at Hamilton, 6925 Shallowford Rd.

7 p.m. Market Street Tavern, 850 Market St. (423) 634-0260. Find them on Facebook. 8 p.m. Acoustic Café, 61 RBC Dr., Ringgold. (706) 965-2065. ringgoldacoustic.com

DJ ScubaSteve’s Jenntastic Wednesdays 9 p.m. Holiday Bowl, 5518 Brainerd Rd. (423) 899-2695. holidaybowlbrainerd.com

Send live music listings at least 10 days in advance to: calendar@ chattanoogapulse.com.

Comic Relief

Bobcat Goldthwait: Maybe It’s You By Chuck Crowder If you’re younger than 30, you may never have heard of Bobcat Goldthwait. If you’re older, you may be wondering where the hell he’s been for the last 20 years. Either way, there’s been a method to the undeniable madness of this stand-up comic primarily known for a voice that sounds as if his junk is slowly being tightened in a workbench vice. His trademark neurotic voice and insane takes on twisted observations are amplified even more by his nutty behavior. During late-night talk-show appearances he’s completely destroyed the sets of Arsenio Hall and Conan O’Brien, as well as setting Jay Leno’s guest chair on fire. On tour with Nirvana, Goldthwait rappelled naked down the stage set as Kurt Cobain counted down to midnight one New Year’s Eve. “My weirdest experience in the South so far was in Atlanta,” Goldthwait said during a recent phone interview. “People wouldn’t quit yelling ‘Freebird’—so I went off, told them that Skynyrd was dead and the South ain’t risin’ again and all this stuff. Then I see these two big dudes walk up to the stage, and damn if it wasn’t two of the guys from Lynyrd Skynyrd there to see the show. ‘Thank you, goodnight’!” Over the years, Goldthwait has costarred in dozens of movies, most notably Scrooged and One Crazy Summer, in addition to the inane “Police Academy” series. Cutting his chops in front of the

camera gave Goldthwait a thirst for writing and directing his own films. “I started out trying to write scripts that I thought would be blockbuster plots that, like, Brad Pitt could star in,” Goldthwait said. “Then I realized that I just needed to write what came natural to my kind of humor. I just wrote for me, and if you like it, awesome.” Some will say his comedic masterpiece is the 1992 cult classic film Shakes The Clown, which was written by, directed by and stars Goldthwait as a depressed, washed-up alcoholic birthday clown who’s framed for murder. Although proud of the film, he disagrees that it’s his best. “I go to these festivals now to promote my newer films and there’s always some freaks dressed up like those clown characters asking me inside questions about ‘Shakes’,” said Goldthwait. “It’s cool to have a beloved cult classic but it makes me feel like Shatner on that SNL skit where he tells those Trekkies to ‘get a life.’” At age 49, Goldthwait is in his creative prime, having written and directed

three critically acclaimed films since 2007. These signature dark comedies, Sleeping Dogs Lie, World’s Greatest Dad (starring longtime friend Robin Williams) and his latest, God Bless America, feature truly unique subject matter. All three have generated high praise at film festivals. “There’s some pretty unconventional plot lines in these films, but they’re written the way my mind works,” said Goldthwait. “I’m not trying to intentionally be outlandish or freak people out. These ideas aren’t for mass appeal. They’re just very personal to me.” Goldthwait is also currently working on a screenplay for the Kinks’ mid-’70s concept album Schoolboys in Disgrace alongside idol and Kinks frontman Ray Davies. “As a huge fan, working with Ray is a dream come true,” said Goldthwait. “It’s funny because I actually had to ask him to write another song to tie the film together and this guy who’s written hundreds of songs admitted that he didn’t like to write. I couldn’t believe it because I don’t like to write either—it’s the hardest part!”

“

Goldthwait is also currently working on a screenplay for the Kinks’ mid-’70s concept album Schoolboys in Disgrace with Kinks frontman Ray Davies. On top of all this, Goldthwait has written enough new stand-up material for an upcoming Showtime special and we’re lucky enough to see him perform it in person at the Vaudeville Café this weekend. Don’t miss it!

Bobcat Goldthwait $20 Friday, December 16, 9:30 p.m. Saturday, December 17, 8 and 10:30 p.m. Vaudeville Café, 138 Market St. (423) 634-9929. funnydinner.com

chattanoogapulse.com • december 15-21, 2011 • The Pulse • 27

Arts & Entertainment Thur 12.15 Deck The Falls 8 a.m. Ruby Falls, 1720 S Scenic Hwy. (423) 821-2544. rubyfalls.com. Sickle Cell Awareness Luncheon 11 a.m. The Mill of Chattanooga, 1601 Gulf St. (423) 634-0331. themillofchattanooga.com Dreamnight Holiday Lights 5:30 p.m. Chattanooga Zoo, 301 N. Holtzclaw Ave. (423) 697-1322. chattzoo.org.com. James Rogers VIP Reception & Concert 5:30 p.m. The Colonnade, 264 Catoosa Circle, Ringgold, GA. (706) 935-9000. colonnadecenter.org Tour of the Trees 6 p.m. Hunter Museum, 10 Bluff View. (423) 267-0968. huntermuseum.org Enchanted Garden of Lights 6 p.m. Rock City, 1400 Patten Rd. Lookout Mountain, GA. (800) 854-0675. seerockcity.com “Evening of Praise” featuring Ruben Studdard 7 p.m. Olivet Baptist Church, 740 E. MLK Blvd. (423) 266-8709. obcministries.org Christmas Carol Dinner Cruises 7 p.m. Southern Belle Riverboat, 201 Riverfront Pkwy. Pier 2. (423) 266-4488. Mystery of TV TalkShow 7 p.m. Vaudeville Café, 138 Market St. (423) 517-1839. funnydinner.com Live Team Trivia 7 p.m. T-Bones Sports Cafe, 1419 Chestnut St.

28 • The Pulse • december 15-21, 2011 • chattanoogapulse.com

“Scenes from the plays of Anton Chekhov” 7:30 p.m. Chattanooga State Humanities Theatre, 4501 Amnicola Hwy. Patrick Keane 8 p.m. The Comedy Catch, 3224 Brainerd Rd. (423) 629-2233. thecomedycatch.com

Fri 12.16 Uncle Andy’s Christmas Spectacular 8 p.m. Barking Legs Theater, 1307 Dodds Ave. (423) 624-5347. barkinglegs.org Chattanooga Holiday Market Too! 10 a.m. Chattanooga Convention Center, 1150 Carter St. (423) 756-0001. holiday.chattanoogamarket.com Holiday Lights at the Zoo 5:30 p.m. Chattanooga Zoo, 301 N. Holtzclaw Ave. 423) 697-1322. chattzoo.org.com North Pole Limited 5:45, 7:30, 9:15 p.m. Chattanooga Grand Junction, 4119 Cromwell Rd. (423) 894-8028. tvrail.com Enchanted Garden of Lights 6 p.m. Rock City, 1400 Patten Rd. Lookout Mountain, GA. (800) 854-0675. seerockcity.com Sneak Peek at the Holiday Boutique Market 6 p.m. Warehouse Row 1110 Market S. (423) 267-1111. warehouserow.net Mystery of Flight 138 7 p.m. Vaudeville Café, 138 Market St. (423) 517-1839. funnydinner.com

Christmas Carol Dinner Cruises 7 p.m. Southern Belle Riverboat, 201 Riverfront Pkwy. Pier 2. (423) 266-4488. The Nutcracker Christmas Carol 7:30 p.m. Chattanooga State, 4501 Amnicola Hwy. (423) 697-3207. chattanoogastate.edu Beauty and the Beast 7:30 p.m. The Colonnade, 264 Catoosa Circle, Ringgold, GA. (706) 935-9000. colonnadecenter.org Patrick Keane 7:30, 10 p.m. The Comedy Catch, 3224 Brainerd Rd. (423) 629-2233. thecomedycatch.com Emperor’s New Clothes 7:30 p.m. Chattanooga Theatre Centre, 400 River St. (423) 267-8534. theatrecentre.com Behold the Lamb of God 7:30 p.m. The ReCreate Café at the Salvation Army, 800 McCallie Ave. (423) 322-9462. www.facebook.com/ ReCreateCafeArts Have A Seat 7:30 p.m. St. Andrews Center Theatre, 1918 Union Ave. ensembletheatreofchattanooga.com The Best Christmas Pageant Ever 8 p.m. Chattanooga Theatre Centre, 400 River St. (423) 267-8534. theatrecentre.com Ballet Tennessee’s The Nutcracker 8 p.m. UTC Fine Arts Center Roland Hayes Hall, 725 Vine St. (423) 425-4601. Live Team Trivia 9 p.m. Amigo’s Mexican

Restaurant, 5450 Hwy 153. (423) 875-8049. chattanoogatrivia.com Stand Up Comedy: Bobcat Goldthwait 9:30 p.m. Vaudeville Café, 138 Market St. (423) 517-1839. funnydinner.com

Sat 12.17 Uncle Andy’s Christmas Spectacular 8 p.m. Barking Legs Theater, 1307 Dodds Ave. (423) 624-5347. barkinglegs.org Breakfast with Santa! 10 a.m. The Elks Lodge, 1211 Dodds Ave. (423) 629-5831. elks.org Helping Hands Exhibit 10 a.m. Creative Discovery Museum, 321 Chestnut St. (423) 648-6043. cdmfun.org Chattanooga Holiday Market Too! 10 a.m. Chattanooga Convention Center, 1150 Carter St. (423) 756-0001. holiday.chattanoogamarket.com Holiday Boutique Market 10 a.m. Warehouse Row 1110 Market S. (423) 267-1111. warehouserow.net Georgia Winery Santa’s Wine Workshop 12 p.m. Georgia Winery, 6469 Battlefield Pkwy. (706) 937-WINE. georgiawines.com Beauty and the Beast 1 p.m. The Colonnade, 264 Catoosa Circle, Ringgold. (706) 935-9000. colonnadecenter.org Have A Seat 2 p.m. St. Andrews Center Theatre, 1918 Union Ave. ensembletheatreofchattanooga.com

Emperor’s New Clothes 2:30 p.m. Chattanooga Theatre Centre, 400 River St. (423) 267-8534. theatrecentre.com Mystery at the Nightmare Office Party 5:30 p.m. Vaudeville Café, 138 Market St. (423) 517-1839. funnydinner.com Holiday Lights at the Zoo 5:30 p.m. Chattanooga Zoo, 301 N. Holtzclaw Ave. 423) 697-1322. chattzoo.org.com North Pole Limited 5:45, 7:30, 9:15 p.m. Chattanooga Grand Junction, 4119 Cromwell Rd. (423) 894-8028. tvrail.com Enchanted Garden of Lights 6 p.m. Rock City, 1400 Patten Rd. Lookout Mountain, GA. (800) 854-0675. seerockcity.com Christmas Carol Dinner Cruises 7 p.m. Southern Belle Riverboat, 201 Riverfront Pkwy. Pier 2. (423) 266-4488. Behold the Lamb of God 7:30 p.m. The ReCreate Café at the Salvation Army, 800 McCallie Ave. (423) 322-9462. facebook.com/ ReCreateCafeArts The Nutcracker Christmas Carol 7:30 p.m. Chattanooga State, 4501 Amnicola Hwy. (423) 697-3207. chattanoogastate.edu Beauty and the Beast 7:30 p.m. The Colonnade, 264 Catoosa Circle, Ringgold, GA. (706) 935-9000. colonnadecenter.org. Patrick Keane 7:30, 10 p.m. The

Comedy Catch, 3224 Brainerd Rd. (423) 629-2233. thecomedycatch.com CSO Pops: Home for the Holidays 8 p.m. Tivoli Theatre, 709 Broad St. (423) 757-5050. chattanooga.gov The Best Christmas Pageant Ever 8 p.m. Chattanooga Theatre Centre, 400 River St. (423) 267-8534. www. theatrecentre.com Ballet Tennessee’s The Nutcracker 8 p.m. UTC Fine Arts Center Roland Hayes Hall, 725 Vine St. (423) 425-4601. Mystery at the Redneck-Italian Wedding 8 p.m. Vaudeville Café, 138 Market St. (423) 517-1839. funnydinner.com The Speakeasy Revue 8 p.m. Moccasin Bend Brewing Company, 4015 Tennessee Ave. (423) 821-6392. bendbrewingbeer.com Stand Up Comedy: Bobcat Goldthwait 10:30 p.m. Vaudeville Café, 138 Market St. (423) 517-1839. funnydinner.com

PULSE PICK

Sun 12.18 Sunday with Steinway featuring Joseph Akins 3 p.m. Summitt Pianos, 6290 Lee Hwy. RSVP (423) 499-0600. Ballet Tennessee’s The Nutcracker 2 p.m. UTC Fine Arts Center Roland Hayes Hall, 725 Vine St. (423) 425-4601. CSO Pops: Home for the Holidays 2 p.m. Tivoli Theatre, 709 Broad St. (423) 757-5050.

CSO’s “Home for the Holidays” • Robert Bernhardt conducts one of the season’s mustdo’s. $10-up. Tivoli Theatre, 709 Broad St. (423) 265-0617. chattanoogaonstage.com

chattanooga.gov Behold the Lamb of God 2:30 p.m. The ReCreate Café at the Salvation Army, 800 McCallie Ave. (423) 322-9462. facebook.com/ ReCreateCafeArts The Nutcracker Christmas Carol 2:30 p.m. Chattanooga State, 4501 Amnicola

Hwy. (423) 697-3207. chattanoogastate.edu “Messiah” Community Sing-Along 3 p.m. Chattanooga First Seventh-day Adventist Church, 7450 Standifer Gap Rd. (423) 605-2468. The Polar Express 5 p.m. IMAX Theater at the Tennessee Aquar-

ium, 1 Broad St. (800) 265-0695. tnaqua.org Solstice Storyytelling: “The Coming of the Light” 5 p.m. The Joseph Campbell Roundtable, Grace Episcopal Church, 20 Belvoir Ave. (423) 458-6281. North Pole Limited 5:45, 7:30 p.m. Chattanooga Grand Junction, 4119 Cromwell Rd. (423) 894-8028. tvrail.com Enchanted Garden of Lights 6 p.m. Rock City, 1400 Patten Rd. Lookout Mountain, GA. (800) 854-0675. seerockcity.com Have A Seat 6:30 p.m. St. Andrews Center Theatre, 1918 Union Ave. ensembletheatreofchattanooga.com Christmas Carol Dinner Cruises 7 p.m. Southern Belle Riverboat, 201 Riverfront Pkwy. Pier 2. (423) 266-4488. Sunday Slasher Films 7 p.m. Sluggo’s Vegetarian Café, 501 Cherokee Blvd. (423) 752-5224. Patrick Keane 7:30 p.m. The Comedy Catch, 3224 Brainerd Rd. (423) 629-2233. thecomedycatch.com

Mon 12.119 Deck The Falls 8 a.m. Ruby Falls, 1720 S Scenic Hwy. (423) 821-2544. rubyfalls.com Enchanted Garden of Lights 6 p.m. Rock City, 1400 Patten Rd. Lookout Mountain, GA. (800) 854-0675. seerockcity.com Live Team Trivia 6 p.m. Bart’s Lakeshore, 5840

Lake Resort Ter. (423) 870-0770. chattanoogatrivia.com

Tue 12.20 Deck The Falls 8 a.m. Ruby Falls, 1720 S Scenic Hwy. (423) 821-2544. rubyfalls.com Enchanted Garden of Lights 6 p.m. Rock City, 1400 Patten Rd. Lookout Mountain, GA. (800) 854-0675. seerockcity.com Songwriter’s Line-up 7 p.m. The CampHouse, 1427 Williams St. (423) 702-8081. Live Team Trivia 7:30 p.m. BrewHaus, 224 Frazier Ave. (423) 531-8490. chattanoogatrivia.com Live Team Trivia 7:30 p.m. Acoustic Café, 61 RBC Dr.Ringgold, Ga. (706) 965-2065. ringgoldacoustic.com

Wed 12.21 Deck The Falls 8 a.m. Ruby Falls, 1720 S Scenic Hwy. (423) 821-2544. rubyfalls.com Main Street Farmer’s Market 4 p.m. Main St. at Williams St. Enchanted Garden of Lights 6 p.m. Rock City, 1400 Patten Rd. Lookout Mountain, GA. (800) 854-0675. seerockcity.com Live Team Trivia 7:30 p.m. Buffalo Wild Wings, 120 Market St. (423) 634-0468. chattanoogatrivia.com

Email calendar items to: calendar@chattanoogapulse.com. chattanoogapulse.com • december 15-21, 2011 • The Pulse • 29

Destinations

Pick Your Pleasure On The Gulf Story & Photo by Janis Hashe As a West Coast native, I haven’t spent nearly as much time in Florida as many Southerners. Lots of Chattanoogans I know have their favorite vacation spots in the Sunshine State and return to them year after year. What I’ll say to that, after a recent trip to the Beaches of South Walton, is if you can’t find your ideal spot of paradise in one of the area’s 15 beach towns, that spot cannot be found.

Fifteen towns, fifteen personalities

The small beach towns lie like the proverbial string of pearls along the green-shading-to-aqua waters of the Gulf. Last year’s fears that the white sugar sand would be damaged by the BP oil spill proved unfounded. The beaches are pristine and even in winter, the water inviting. Though not able to spend time in all 15 towns, I saw enough of several to take in their distinctive vibes. The Hilton Sandestin Beach Golf Resort & Spa, in Sandestin, is the only full-service hotel in the region. Originally built as condos, it features huge rooms, many overlooking the Gulf, a first-class spa with signature treatments and is literally steps from the beach. The AAA four-diamond restaurant, Seagar’s, is an updated version of a classic steakhouse. Tableside preparation selections are especially recommended: Caesar salad, Steak Diane and Bananas Foster. hiltonsandestinbeach.com Sandestin’s also home to the huge mixed-use condo complex, the Sandestin Golf and Beach Resort, likely a perfect fit for families wanting everything in close proximity. It includes its own “village”, with shops, restaurants and activities, which during the winter include an ice rink. sandestin.com Reservations at the inn in WaterColor beach include bikes for everyone—by far the easiest and preferred method for getting around. The upscale but casual and friendly Fish Out of Water restaurant impresses with its outstanding design,

great views, live music and excellent breakfasts. (Try the waffles.) Seaside is one of the original “New Urbanism” planned communities and just celebrated its 30th anniversary. Everything has been designed to be within walking distance, there’s a live theatre company, many fun shops and plenty of events yearround (including the worldclass wine festival in September) to keep everyone occupied. Be forewarned that cottages should be rented early…many visitors come back several times each year. cottagerentalagency.com The white stucco cottages and condos of Alys Beach are less like Florida than Morocco. The famous and enormous Caliza Pool has been seen in many photo shoots, and in truth, this is the South Walton “beach to the stars.” However, the ordinary not-star feels right at home at laid-back George’s at Alys Beach, where the décor is hopping and the fried oyster tacos rock. George’s is one of many local restaurants getting much of its vegetables from hydroponic Mac Farms in Santa Rosa Beach, which you can

lessons or rent boards, if you’re already proficient. You can also take a Yolo Board Eco-Tour… definitely something to brag about back home. yoloboardadventures.com

tour—and do a little tasting while there. macfarmsfl.com It was funky Grayton Beach, with its sign saying “Nice Dogs, Friendly Folks” that won my heart on this trip. The combined coastal ecosystems of Western Lake and Grayton Beach State Park converge here, and the famous Red Bar draws people from all over the area. Plus, Grayton preserves a feel of Old Florida, with little hippie cottages right next to redesigned modernities. It was here we had the best breakfast of the trip at Hibiscus Coffee and Guesthouse—outstanding coffees and lots of vegetarian options. hibiscusflorida.com

My favorite things

A first visit to an area of necessity only skims the surface of the place’s real nature. But topping my eclectic list of “I’ll remember” are the Sandestin Golf and Beach Resort’s “Skyping Santa” (St. Nick was talking to a little boy in Croatia when we visited), designer Allison Craft’s gorgeous freshwaterpearl-and-leather jewelry (allisoncraftdesigns.com), cooking class at the Viking Cooking School, and last but most certainly not least, dinner at Café Thirty-A in Seagrove, which, between outstanding service from the Russian waiter and mouthwatering food, ranked as the best meal of the trip. Things I want to see next time include the 30A Songwriters’ Festival and the Bayou Arts Center.

Run, walk and Yolo

The South Walton area is also famous for its 15 coastal dune lakes, the largest concentration in the world. These shallow lakes are full of birds and wildlife, and the best ways to experience them are to walk, run or bike by, kayak on…or possibly by Yolo board. Standup paddling is one of the fastest-growing sports in the US (we just had an example here at River Rocks), and at Yolo Board Adventures you can take

To get the very informative “Visit South Walton” guide, go to visitsouthwalton.com

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Screen

john devore

If It Were Not That I Have Bad Dreams Telemonster

Follow.

The process of mental illness is a tragic one to witness. Rarely is there a sudden gush of madness or immediate personality change. Rather, it begins as a drip from a broken faucet, gradually filling the mind, eventually overflowing into the lives of those afflicted and their loved ones. A person with mental illness usually knows when their symptoms began and can track the progress of their disease. It is undoubtedly terrifying, particularly when the real and imagined can flow together so seamlessly. If the eyes and ears cannot be trusted, the world becomes insurmountable. Other people seem like shades, illusions of a former life. Or they may be dangerous entities, bent on the destruction of safety and security. Take Shelter, the penultimate film in the AEC Independent Film series at the Majestic 12, forces the audience to see through the eyes of a man whose life is coming apart at the seams. On one hand, it is a starkly surreal look at the unraveling of a mind. In another context, it is a thematic look at the underlying fears of a constantly shifting and unstable society.

Curtis (Michael Shannon) has a good life in a small Ohio town. He is a member of a vanishing group; he is a blue-collar worker, with good pay and benefits and decent job security. His wife sells handmade clothes and crafts on the weekends, and takes care of their daughter Hannah, who is deaf. They are even able to save enough money to travel to a beach house on Myrtle Beach once a year. By all accounts, Curtis is an American success story. But he begins to feel that something just isn’t right. He can’t explain it. It’s just something he knows. This is linked to a series of seemingly prophetic nightmares, dreams of thick brown rail and dark funnel clouds, threatening the safety of his family. The dreams feature those close

32 • The Pulse • december 15-21, 2011 • chattanoogapulse.com

to him; his dog, his friends, and even his wife all become vaguely threatening figures. He finds himself watching the sky for signs of danger. He sees birds flying in strange patterns, experiences auditory hallucinations of thunder out of clear blue sky, and sees dangerous storms where other see only sunlight. He knows his family has a history of mental illness—his mother was committed to a state institution for paranoid schizophrenia in her early 30s. Curtis does his best to seek a medical solution for his problems, but can’t shake the feelings of dread. Ultimately, he sacrifices his family’s financial security to expand the tornado shelter in his backyard. Take Shelter is driven by the subtle per-

formance of Michael Shannon. Curtis is a role that could easily be overacted. Shannon’s understatement of the character is all the more powerful when the rug of sanity is ultimately torn away. Curtis only drops his façade of control once during the film, and that scene alone could qualify Shannon for an Oscar. The climax of the film, a scene that requires Curtis to either succumb to his disease or fight it, is powerful and affecting. It is one of hope and resolve, a much-needed relief from a stressful and discouraging experience. There are a few missteps in this film, with one that seemed to me to be an especially odd choice given the tone. There are only two ways to view the events of the film: They are either figments of a fragile mind, the beginnings of a lifelong battle with schizophrenia, or they are prophetic, apocalyptic visions. The entire film seems to lean one way, only to turn the narrative on its ear in the end. Given the strength of the performances, it makes little sense to throw a plot twist at the audience. It cheapens the difficult work the audience has put into the movie; and given the length of the film and the subject matter, the film is work. The length and pace of the film are necessary to tell the story and to give the actors a chance to completely develop their characters. There are two movies here. One was developed wonderfully and deserved an ending. The other should have been made for TV. Missteps aside, Take Shelter is both a window into the fragility of the mind and a commentary on the fear of the unknown dangers of chance. Our security is tenuous at best, sometimes shattered by the wrong wind. Safety is dependent on both the power of the storm and our ability to weather it. The film is about a man, but the subtext points to our society as a whole. It feels like rain.

Take Shelter Directed by Jeff Nichols Starring: Michael Shannon, Jessica Chastain, Shea Whigham Rated R Running time: 120 minutes

Shades of Green

Sandy Kurtz

The Agenda 21 Conspiracy Have you heard the latest local conspiracy theory? Conspirators tell us that Chattanooga has signed on to a dastardly plot run by the United Nations (UN). If these evildoer plans are implemented, we will be put under control of people (undetermined) who will completely change our American way of life for the worse. You will lose your right to own property and be forced to move to a high-rise apartment. You will have to walk or make use of mass transit. Egad! According to conspirators, it’s all outlined in Agenda 21, that socialist, Marxist, collectivist document where global sustainable development and environmental management guidelines are the reasons we are going to hell in a handbasket. Say w-h-a-a-a-t? It’s a big leap to say that Agenda 21 points to forced takeover against our wills, but this Tea Party-inspired talk uses as evidence Chattanooga’s Office of Sustainability and a Climate Action Plan already in place. Apparently the local conspiracy talk has been unleashed due to two recent events: 1) a conference titled “Local Initiatives in Climate Protection and Renewable Energies in Germany and the U.S.” was hosted in Chattanooga. Representatives from four German cities and four American cities gathered to share ideas about how to move toward sustainability; 2) Southeast TN Development District as lead applicant can receive Federal HUD/ EPA funds to be used in a local 16-county partnership for Sustainable Community planning. What is Agenda 21 anyway? Most have likely never heard of it, but it is a comprehensive framework for global action to achieve sustainable development. It sets out a long-term vision for balancing economic and social needs taking into account the capacity of Earth’s natural resources. One hundred seventy-eight countries adopted it in 1992 during the United Nations Conference on Environment and Development Summit held in Rio de Janeiro. Priorities for action focus on water, energy, health, governance, globalization, poverty eradication and creating sustainable patterns of con-

“

Agenda 21 encourages us to ‘play well with others’ on the planet and consider the environment in our development decisions. sumption and production. It recommends that governments, international organizations and civil society form partnerships and create initiatives to deal with sustainable development problems. You can read it for yourself atun.org/esa/dsd/agenda21/.

Some historical perspective may be useful for the suspicious among us. After people around the world saw those first photos of Earth from space, they realized that all life we know of is located on a single planet with finite resources required for existence. In 1987, The United Nation’s Brundtland Commission published Our Common Future. It caught the public’s attention with its widely adopted definition: Sustainable development is development that meets the needs of the present without compromising the ability of future generations to meet their own needs. Now, I suppose that those who believe Agenda 21 is a plan enabling the UN to con us all into an unpleasant world order will read their own meaning into it, but in fact, it only attempts to outline a desirable future based on wise use of planetary resources. It stems from the understanding that future generations should have the means for a quality life. To that end, Agenda 21 encourages us to “play well with others” on the planet and consider the environment in our development decisions. After all, it is in our enlightened interest to maintain and preserve the planet that supports us. Sustainable living is a worthy goal. Unfortunately, in unsustainable fashion, global greenhouse gas emissions in 2010 jumped ever higher. Like it or not, we are going to have to adapt. Agenda 21 provides a process of change to get to sustainability. It may require us to live more in community and share, but aren’t those values we teach our kids?

chattanoogapulse.com • december 15-21, 2011 • The Pulse • 33

Sushi & Biscuits

MIKE MCJUNKIN

Chili World Dominance This year, I had the pleasure of representing Chattanooga Chow and Brewer Media in the MainX24 World Heavyweight Chili Championship. Our team also had the pleasure of winning. Since then, I’ve been besieged with requests for my recipe. I regret to inform everyone that I will not be printing my exact recipe—but I will provide a guide you can use to make chili that will kick as much ass as you feel like kicking. This year’s Championship was a testimony to the creative turns chili can take. There was chili with turkey and pumpkin, duck meat, venison, white chili, and vegetarian chili among others. Our team made a traditional competition chili we called “Chili Chili Bang Bang.” I wanted to call the team “Truly Scrumptious” but was reminded about the ordinance allowing only one Chitty Chitty Bang Bang reference per day within city limits. Most judges are going to evaluate chili on aroma, color, consistency, taste and aftertaste. Chili shouldn’t have a grease slick posing a threat to passing wildlife spread across the top. It should have a nice red-to-brown color; if it looks like glue paste, just step away from the pot and order a pizza. It should have a rich aroma and a thick, but not stiff, consistency. Of course it should taste good, but the aftertaste is important too. You want an afterburn that spreads a little heat all over your mouth and throat. If you burn out the judges’ palates with flamethrower chili, you’ll lose points and the judges will look at you through teary, red eyes as if to say, “Why? Why?” As with all great things in life, great chili starts with the meat. Use meat with just a little marbling and very little gristle. Some cooks use chuck but I pre-

fer to use tri-tip. I don’t recommend using sirloin because it tends to get mushy, and no one, I mean no one, likes mushy meat. Once you’ve chopped the meat into small, bite-sized cubes, be sure and give it a rinse before you put it in the pot; excess blood will coagulate and make lumps. Leave the bloody lumps for the Tiêt canh (go ahead, Google it. I’ll wait). I like to cook my meat in bacon grease. This year, I rendered the fat from pork belly I bought at Asian Food and Gifts, diced the leaner parts and added them to the chili meat. This brings a layer of porky, bacony goodness to the building flavors. After the meat is cooked, remove it from the pot—but leave all of that sexy,

34 • The Pulse • december 15-21, 2011 • chattanoogapulse.com

sexy fond and any rendered fat in the pot. “Fond” is all of those caramelized bits stuck to the bottom of the pot. Fond is packed with flavor, so use it to your advantage by adding spices to the fond and rendered fat to cook for a couple of minutes. I double grind my spices by taking them for a spin in a coffee grinder. This makes them finer so they distribute throughout the chili more efficiently. Now add your onion, bell pepper and cook on medium heat until the moisture in the vegetables releases all of the stuckon bits and you’ll end up with a paste you’d punch a dolphin for. It’s just that flavorful. Add your tomato products, meat, chipotles in adobo sauce and, if necessary, beef or pork stock. Keep it stirred and whatever you do, for god’s sake don’t let it scorch or burn. Saturday morning that distinct scorched smell assaulted my nose and I knew, somewhere in Chili Tent City, someone was staring at a pot of regret. If you want to start a fight, bring up beans in chili. I’ll throw the first punch and just say it. In competition chili, there are to be no beans. They break down and turn to mush. I put beans in the chili I make at home, but ne’er a legume shall darken my dearest chili’s pot top when a prize hangs in the balance. The most important part of a chili cook-off is having fun. I know that sounds like high-school counselor advice, but it’s true. Events like the MainX24 World Heavyweight Chili Championship are helping to make Chattanooga an excellent food town and they are a blast.

We had a great time, heard some great bands, helped drink all of the beer, and won a really sweet prize belt. We’ll see you next year, so get your recipes ready! For the full version of this article, a list of spices and a procedure guide for competition chili visitchattanoogapulse. com/food-drink/sushi-biscuits.

Hot off the griddle

• The menu and the interior at St. John’s Meeting Place have undergone some changes. Braised beef cheeks and fois gras, veal sweetbreads, and Kenny’s duck dog top my list. • Mean Mug Coffee House at officially opens Monday, Dec 12, at 114 E. Main St. • The Main Street Market is going strong Wednesdays, 4 – 5 p.m., at the corner of Main and Williams, with winter greens, seasonal veggies, beef, pork, eggs and lots of other locally produced goodies. • Bluewater Grill has rolled out several new menu items using locally sourced ingredients including an artisanal cheese plate with local farm cheeses. • Pasta Italia is a new Italian restaurant owned by Italian native, chef Michael Doto, and located in the basement of the Tallan Building on MLK Blvd. Mike McJunkin is a foodie, chef, musician and, in his spare time, keeps our computers and networks running smoothly. Got a tip for the column? Email him at mike@chattanoogapulse. com.

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chattanoogapulse.com • december 15-21, 2011 • The Pulse • 35

Free Will Astrology ARIES

(March 21-April 19): Jim Moran (1908-1999) called himself a publicist, but I regard him as a pioneer performance artist. At various times in his colorful career, he led a bull through a china shop in New York City, changed horses in midstream in Nevada’s Truckee River, and looked for a needle in a haystack until he found it. You might want to draw inspiration from his work in the coming weeks, Aries. You will not only have a knack for mutating cliches and scrambling conventional wisdom. In doing so, you could also pull off feats that might seem improbable.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20):

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Empowering Families,Children & Adults

One possible way to tap into the current cosmic opportunities would be to seek out storegasms—the ecstatic feelings released while exercising one’s buyological urges in consumer temples crammed with an obscene abundance of colorful material goods. But I advise you against doing that. It wouldn’t be a very creative solution to the epic yearnings that are welling up in your down-belowand-deep-inside parts. Instead, I offer a potentially far more satisfying recommendation: Routinely maneuver yourself into positions where your primal self will be filled up with sublime wonder, mysterious beauty, and smart love.

GEMINI (May

21-June 20): I’m not an either-or type of person. I don’t think that there are just two sides of every story and that you have to align yourself with one or the other. That’s one reason why, as an America voter, I reject the idea that I must either sympathize with the goals of the Democratic Party or the Republican Party. It’s also why I’m bored by the trumped-up squabble between the atheists and the fundamentalist Christians, and the predictable arguments between dogmatic cynics and fanatical optimists. I urge you to try my approach in the coming weeks, Gemini. Find a third way between any two sides that tend to divide the world into Us against Them.

CANCER (June 21-July 22): 36 • The Pulse • december 15-21, 2011 • chattanoogapulse.com

rob brezsny

No one actually looks like the retouched images of the seemingly perfect people in sexy ads. It’s impossible to be that flawless, with no wrinkles, blemishes, and scars. Acknowledging this fact, the iconic supermodel Cindy Crawford once said, “I wish I looked like Cindy Crawford.” Our unconscious inclination to compare ourselves to such unrealistic ideals is the source of a lot of mischief in our lives. Your assignment in the coming week, Cancerian, is to divest yourself, as much as possible, of all standards of perfection that alienate you from yourself or cause you to feel shame about who you really are. (More fodder to motivate you: tinyurl.com/SoftKill.)

derly women are in a Catskills Mountain resort and one of them says: ‘Boy, the food at this place is really terrible.’ The other one says, ‘Yeah, I know— and such small portions.’” Is it possible you’re acting like the second woman, Libra? Are you being influenced to find fault with something that you actually kind of like? Are you ignoring your own preferences simply because you think it might help you to be close to those whose preferences are different? I urge you not to do that in the coming week. According to my analysis of the astrological omens, it’s very important that you know how you feel and stay true to your feelings.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): Barney Oldfield (1878-1946) was a pioneer car racer who was the first ever to run a 100-mile-perhour lap at the Indianapolis 500. He was a much better driver while setting speed records and beating other cars on racetracks than he was at moseying through regular street traffic. Why? He said he couldn’t think clearly if he was traveling at less than 100 miles per hour. I suspect you may temporarily have a similar quirk, Leo—not in the way you drive but rather in the way you live and work and play. To achieve maximum lucidity, you may have to be moving pretty fast.

SCORPIO

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Back in August 2010, there was an 11-day traffic snarl on a Chinese highway. At one point the stuck vehicles stretched for 60 miles and inched along at the rate of a mile per day. In that light, your current jam isn’t so bad. It may be true that your progress has been glacial lately, but at least you’ve had a bed to sleep in and a bathroom to use, which is more than can be said for the stranded Chinese motorists and truck drivers. Plus I’m predicting that your own personal jam is going to disperse sometime in the next few days. Be prepped and ready to rumble on. LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Here’s a joke from Woody Allen’s movie Annie Hall: “Two el-

(Oct. 23-Nov. 21): The Los Angeles school district dramatically downgraded the role that homework plays in the life of its students. Beginning this fall, the assignments kids do after school account for only 10 percent of their final grade. As far as you’re concerned, Scorpio, that’s not a good trend to follow. In fact, I think you should go in the opposite direction. During the enhanced learning phase you’re now entering, your homework will be more important than ever. In order to take full advantage of the rich educational opportunities that will be flowing your way, you should do lots of research, think hard about what it all means, and in general be very well prepared. The period between late 2011 and early 2012 is homework time for you.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-

Dec. 21): The Amazon is the second longest river in the world, and has such a voluminous flow that it comprises 20 percent of all river water in the world. And yet there is not a single bridge that crosses it. I love that fact. It comforts and inspires me to know that humans have not conquered this natural wonder. Which leads me to my advice for you this week, Sagittarius. Please consider keeping the wild part of you wild. It’s certainly not at all crucial for you to civilize it.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22Jan. 19): Emotion is the resource

we treasure when we’re young, says poet Naomi Shihab Nye, but eventually what we thrive on even more is energy. “Energy is everything,” she says, “not emotion.” And where does energy come from? Often, from juxtaposition, says Nye. “Rubbing happy and sad together creates energy; rubbing one image against another.” That’s what she loves about being a poet. Her specialty is to conjure magic through juxtaposition. “Our brains are desperate for that kind of energy,” she concludes. I mention this, Capricorn, because the coming weeks will be prime time for you to drum up the vigor and vitality that come from mixing and melding and merging, particularly in unexpected or uncommon ways.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Studies show that if you’re sharing a meal with one other person, you’re likely to eat up to 35 percent more food than if you’re dining alone. If you sit down at the table with four companions, you’ll probably devour 75 percent extra, and if you’re with a party of eight, your consumption may double. As I contemplate your horoscope, these facts give me pause. While I do suspect you will benefit from socializing more intensely and prolifically, I also think it’ll be important to raise your commitment to your own physical health. Can you figure out a way to do both, please? PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20):

“Were it not for the leaping and twinkling of the soul,” said psychologist Carl Jung, “human beings would rot away in their greatest passion, idleness.” To that edgy observation I would add this corollary: One of the greatest and most secret forms of idleness comes from being endlessly busy at unimportant tasks. If you are way too wrapped up in doing a thousand little things that have nothing to do with your life’s primary mission, you are, in my opinion, profoundly idle. All the above is prelude for the climactic advice of this week’s horoscope, which goes as follows: Give everything you have to stimulate the leaping and twinkling of your soul.

Jonesin’ Crossword

Go tell it!

matt jones

Featuring choir, orchestra and drama

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5301 Old Hixson Pike • Hixson, TN “I’ll Go Last”—you can thank me later. Across

1. Air kiss noise 5. Invoice no. 8. Flash a quick smile to 14. Hawaii’s “Valley Isle” 15. ___ Tzu 16. Bela in old horror movies 17. They may get patronized 18. Prefix before -mance 19. Head of a bowling group 20. Phrase telling off a blood-sucking bug? 23. They stop the band to sing “Leonard Bernstein” 24. Letters on aircraft carriers 25. Stimpy’s amigo 26. Lean-___ (makeshift shelters) 27. Montana neighbor 29. Donkey Kong, for one 31.“seaQuest ___” (1990s sci-fi TV series) 32. Turn a different way?

34. “Pardon,” in Parma 37. Punishment of having to wear a paper sign on your back? 41. Org. with a common interest 42. Puts up 44. Obnoxious person 46. “___ died and made you king?” 48. “It’s ___!” (“Easy!”) 49. Toward the stern 50. Wilberforce University’s affiliated denom. 52. Back-to-school mo. 54. ___ Khan 55. Time-sensitive demand on a dirty car? 59. “Here We Go Again” singer Demi 60. Dust cloth 61. Bring in 63. It’s hardly four-part harmony 64. 100% 65. Length times width 66. Takes the helm 67. Sault ___ Marie, Mich. 68. Word used in telling time

Down

1. UFC fighting style 2. Got the audience started 3. Add machines and

conveyer belts 4. Rattler’s noise 5. Professor Dumbledore’s first name 6. Actress Tomei 7. Make steam whistle noises 8. Ball in a classroom 9. Unpleasant interaction 10. “___ that a lot” 11. Stipulation of some leases 12. “The Solar System and Back” author Isaac 13. Fork pokers 21. Minimum goals to be met 22. Hoover competitor 23. Crater edge 28. Tennis star Mandlikova and namesakes 30. “You thought I’d give it to you, didn’t you?” 31. Dutch blockers 33. Golf pro Ernie 35. Midstreet

maneuver 36. Cancels 38. Record store whose physical locations closed in 2006 39. Former Secretary of Defense Robert 40. Shelves for knickknacks 43. Place for cardio and detox 44. Put on ___ (be phony) 45. Wonder or Nicks 47. Actor and stand-up comic Patton 49. Great grade 50. Early tycoon John Jacob ___ 51. Atomic particles 53. Two under par, on a golf hole 56. Enclosure inside an enclosure, for short 57. Bullpen numbers 58. Pile of laundry 62. The Naked Brothers Band singer Wolff

Jonesin’ Crossword created By Matt Jones. © 2011 Jonesin’ Crosswords. For answers to this puzzle, call: 1-900-226-2800, 99 cents per minute. Must be 18+ to call. Or to bill to your credit card, call: 1-800655-6548. Reference puzzle No. 0550.

Mountain Arts Community Center Winter 2012 Catalog Now OnLine! Hard copies are available at the MACC, Library, or at Town Hall

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chattanoogapulse.com • december 15-21, 2011 • The Pulse • 37

Life in the Noog

chuck crowder

The 90-Foot Hustle To The First Date “

One phenomenon people my age are likely past the pleasure of ever knowing again is the unbridled, yet pain-in-the-ass thrill of the “first date.” And friends, let me tell you it’s still is one of the most unnerving experiences one can face. Dating, by definition, is a courting period when a couple can get to know each other, decide if they want to remain with each other and possibly produce offspring that resembles exactly half of each. However, the concept of “dating” means very different things to the sexes. To guys, any alone time with a single female for whom we have carnal feelings could turn into a “date” at any second. To ladies on the other hand, time spent with a single guy is only a date if THEY consider it a date. They know what we guys are up to, and they’re on guard. That said, let’s explore what most guys think about dating. To a guy, dating is one of the most expensive, confusing and most likely unfruitful experiences we’re required to face as men. You know why? Because no matter what our feelings are, intentions might be, or how light our wallet becomes after, a date is only a date if the girl says

it’s a date. You could pick her up in a limo, fly her by private jet down to Aruba, sit her down at a private luau, pay Wayne Newton to serenade her while you both sip Dom Perignon ’62 fireside and if she’s not interested in you in “that” way—you’ll have to settle for a peck on the cheek. On the other hand, you could meet her on the sidewalk, give her the rest of your ice cream cone and—if she’s hot for you— she’ll be licking the dribbles off your chin by the time you make it back to the car. The problem therefore lies in when a date is a “date?” Men, the hunters of our breed, need to slay many mates in order to find one to “share pelt with.” Women, on the other hand, get very nervous about our manly ways and rather than being “knocked over the head and dragged back to the cave,” will play coy with our intentions until they’re comfortable with the prospect of “making fire” with

38 • The Pulse • december 15-21, 2011 • chattanoogapulse.com

man. A girl wants to quickly define what can be expected from her interactions with a male before the Trans Am pulls up in the driveway. In fact, she’ll place subtle hints within conversations leading up to the event to ensure the guy doesn’t get the wrong idea. If she’s not interested in you at all, she’ll blow you off, forget to call you back, or be too busy to try and make a plan. Or, if she’s horny and you happen to be good-looking, she’ll do you and then never call you again. On the other extreme, if she’s into you she’ll make you take her on the one real dinner date (which she’ll remember every single detail of for the rest of your relationship) and give you a really sexy goodnight kiss before she sends you home to masturbate. She’s obviously “holding out” until the second date for sex so she doesn’t seem as promiscuous as you wanted her to be but didn’t want to admit being. The gray area lies in when a woman is on the fence about a guy. First, she starts throwing out clues about her uncertainty with the prospect. “I could meet you there,” “Sure, we could hang out,” then after dinner, “Let’s go to that bar where all of my friends are right now,” and then

No matter what our feelings are, intentions might be, or how light our wallet becomes after, a date is only a date if the girl says it’s a date.

at the end of the night, “I’ve got a really big day tomorrow—call me!” (peck). So guys and girls, I’m going to level the playing field once and for all. Here are Chuck Crowder’s methods for determining whether or not an interaction is truly a “date.” If a guy contacts you personally for the very first time and asks you to do something with just him, it’s a date. If the guy picks you up at your house, it’s a date. If the guy pays for everything, it’s a date. And, if he makes a move on you it’s not just because he’s drunk and you’re female—it’s because it’s a date. It’s time we men took back the reins and made our intentions loud and clear. We need to be kind and chivalrous, but firm in our intent. If the ladies wanna be entertained by the men folk, they gotta quit playing chicken and get on board. Take your chances with your feelings—because you can’t win if you don’t play. Chuck Crowder is a local writer and general man about town. His opinions are just that. Everything expressed is loosely based on fact, and crap he hears people talking about. Take what you just read with a grain of salt, but pepper it in your thoughts.

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chattanoogapulse.com • december 15-21, 2011 • The Pulse • 39

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