TCB Fe. 9, 2023 — The Sex Issue

FRIDAY Feb. 10

Valentine’s Day Celebration @ Wise Man Brewing (W-S) 2 p.m.

Celebrate Valentine’s Day all weekend long at Wise Man Brewing with a Love Paradox White Stout release, cookie and beer pairings and live music. Visit the event page on Facebook for more information.

by MICHAELA RATLIFF

the past is only a click away.” Purchase tickets at spiritgumtheatre.com.

SATURDAY Feb. 11

Valentine’s Maker’s Market @ Centennial Station Arts Center (HP) 11 a.m.

High Point Arts Council invites you to shop at the pop-up maker’s market in time to find a one-of-akind gift for your sweetheart. Enjoy a sip and shop experience by purchasing from local creators and tasting a vast selection of beer, wine and spirits. Visit the event page on Facebook for more information.

Sex With Strangers @ Milton Rhodes Center for the Arts (W-S) 8 p.m.

Spirit Gum Theatre Co. presents a production of Sex With Strangers, the story of sex-blogger Ethan who tracks down his novelist idol Olivia. According to playwright Laura Eason, “As attraction turns to sex, and they inch closer to getting what they want, both must confront the dark side of ambition and the trouble of reinventing oneself when

Cupid’s Rainbow: A Queer Valentine Dance Party @ Greensboro Project Space (GSO) 9 p.m.

Relentless Roller Derby invites you to dance and party under Cupid’s Rainbow to beats played by

FEB. 9 - 15

Tomie B aka DJ Real. The night also includes raffle drawings, roller derby one on ones and exciting drag shows. A $5 donation at the door is suggested. Visit the event page on Facebook for more information.

SUNDAY Feb. 12

Feathers, Leaves and Trees Artist’s Reception @ Artworks Gallery (W-S) 2 p.m.

Feathers, Leaves and Trees is a two-person exhibit by Alix Hitchcock and Lea Lackey-Zachmann. Hitchcock displays hand-colored and hand-pulled dry-point prints inspired by drawings from shadows of trees and foliage while Lackey-Zachmann explores the similar shapes of leaves and feathers through ink drawings, three dimensional paintings and colored pencil drawings. For more information, visit artworks-gallery.org.

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BUSINESS

PUBLISHER/EXECUTIVE EDITOR

Brian Clarey brian@triad-city-beat.com

PUBLISHER EMERITUS

Allen Broach allen@triad-city-beat.com

OF COUNSEL

Jonathan Jones

EDITORIAL

MANAGING EDITOR

Sayaka Matsuoka sayaka@triad-city-beat.com

CITYBEAT REPORTER

Gale Melcher gale@triad-city-beat.com

SALES

KEY ACCOUNTS

Chris Rudd chris@triad-city-beat.com

AD MANAGER

Noah Kirby noah@triad-city-beat.com

CONTRIBUTORS

Carolyn de Berry, John Cole, Owens Daniels, James Douglas, Michelle Everette, Luis

H. Garay, Destiniee Jaram, Kaitlynn Havens, Jordan

Howse, Matt Jones, Autumn

Karen, Michaela Ratliff, Jen

Sorensen, Todd Turner

TCB IN A FLASH @ triad-city-beat.

WEBMASTER

Sam LeBlanc

ART

ART DIRECTOR

Aiden Siobhan aiden@triad-city-beat.com

COVER:

Design by Aiden Siobhan

Thelast one have been writing a weekly column in the Triad since 2001, when Jeri Rowe hired me to cover nightlife for Triad Style, a long-defunct publication put out by the News & Record of the type that we altweekly snobs used to refer to as a “faux alt.”

ture-esque pieces that sometimes ran a couple thousand words. And sometimes, back when I was drinking pretty good, I would pull something straight out of my ass.

by Brian Clarey

When Triad Style became GoTriad in 2002 or 2003, I kept the column until I was hired as the editor for Yes Weekly in 2005. There I started a more traditional metro column called Crashing the Gate, so named because, it seemed to me, I was always getting tossed out of places where other local journalists were welcomed.

I filed more than 450 columns during my tenure there, missing only a single week in 2012 because I was in jail. I missed another three months of weekly filing after I got fired in November 2013, and resumed in short order with this column, the Editor’s Notebook. Shorter by 500 words than its previous incarnation and placed in the front of the book instead of the back, it was meant to be a short note about the current issue, or some inside-journalism talk about the challenges of starting up a new media outlet, or, sometimes, a personal rant.

The column saw my kids grow into adulthood, my staff turn over again and again, my role morph from two-fisted editor into reluctant publisher. It also carried me through a decade of political despair, my sobriety, my own thwarted ambitions and the death of my father last year, which is still so fresh in my mind.

I got into journalism to become a columnist, you know. Jimmy Breslin, Jim Dwyer, Lolis Eric Elie, Damon Runyon, Mike Royko and even Erma Bombeck informed my writing style and subject matter, which veered wildly from barroom scenes to alt-parenting tips to political commentary to reported, fea-

I could write all day in the beginning. It was all I wanted to do, and I had so much to say. Writing is harder for me now, though I believe the end result is better today than it was in years past. And in the roughly 1,000 or so dispatches I’ve filed since I started more than 20 years ago, I have exorcised so many of those words that were burning to get out of me that I don’t have all that much left to say in the first-person voice. In other words, my ass is practically empty. We’re restructuring some things here at Triad City Beat, so we decided it was time to hand the reins of the Editor’s Notebook to the actual editor of the paper, which is not me. Sayaka Matsuoka will pick it up starting next week while I concentrate on higher functions, like making sure everyone gets paid.

There was a time when the prospect of losing my column would send me into an emotional tailspin — or maybe a three-day bender. My byline, my words, sometimes felt like the only tangible proof in this world that I existed.

It’s not like that anymore.

I’ll still be writing the editorial every week — an important function of journalism — and I’ll be doing more feature writing, which was how I earned my living before they saddled me at the editor’s desk.

I’m so thankful that I have had this opportunity to add my personal voice to these newspapers over the years. I appreciate all who have read my columns — whether they loved them or hated them made little difference to me, as long as they read to the end. And I’m happy that I have a successor who will almost certainly be better at this than me, as she is just about every other aspect of newspapering.

Thanks for humoring me, everyone. Rest assured, I will miss you more than you will miss me.

I will miss you more than you will miss me.

Greensboro City Council, explained

by Gale Melcher

Members of a city council make and enact changes for cities at the local level. In Greensboro, the mayor and eight city council representatives meet twice a month to make legislative decisions. Keep reading to learn more about the mechanisms of local government.

How are city council members elected?

Greensboro City Council elections are nonpartisan; the nine council members are elected by the public every four years. While the Mayor and three council members are elected at-large and act as representatives for the entire city, the remaining seats are represented by members from each of the five districts. The Mayor and all council members serve four-year terms and there are no term limits. To find out which city council member represents your district, visit greensboro-nc.gov/government/city-council. The last general election was postponed in November 2021 due to redistricting delays and was ultimately held in July 2022. Current council members will serve abbreviated terms until the next election in 2025.

What do city council members do?

During meetings, city council members consider and vote on items that have been placed on the consent agenda, public hearing agenda and general business agenda. The mayor manages the meetings and sets the agenda. According to the city’s website, agenda item requests must come from “either a Council member or a City department employee,”

adding that a member of the general public would need to work with one of those people in order to get an item on the Council agenda.

The consent agenda is used for mass approval of items that are routine, have been pre-discussed or do not require individual discussion. However, a council member can request that a particular item be removed from the consent agenda and voted on separately.

The public hearing agenda is a space where members of the public can comment on current issues involving the city, and during the general business agenda council members discuss and vote on individual issues presented on the agenda.

How can the public get involved?

Members of the public can attend meetings in person at 5:30 p.m. on the first and third Tuesdays of every month in the Katie Dorsett Council Chamber, located on the second floor of the Melvin Municipal Office Building, or they can stream the meetings live on the city’s YouTube page.

A public comment period is held at the first meeting of the month. Members of the public may sign up to speak at a meeting by 6 p.m. the night of the meeting, and can submit their comments to council members about a topic by 5 p.m. the night before a meeting. City council agendas can be found at greensboro-nc.gov/ government/city-council/council-meetings. Members of the public are not required to be residents of Greensboro in order to speak at a meeting.

Back row, L-R: Hugh Holston, Goldie Wells, Nancy Vaughan, Tammi Thurm, Zack Matheny

Front row, L-R: Yvonne Johnson, Nancy Hoffman, Marikay Abuzuaiter, Sharon Hightower

This piece is part of our CityBeat that covers Greensboro and Winston-Salem city council business, made possible by a grant from the NC Local News Lab Fund, available to republish for free by any news outlet who cares to use it. To learn how, visit triad-city-beat.com/republish.

A CityBeat story

CURRENT GSO CITY COUNCIL MEMBERS Mayor

Mayor Nancy Vaughan started her career on council in 1997 as a representative for District 4, serving two terms until 2001. Vaughan returned to council in 2007 as an at-large member, and has served as mayor since 2013 after unseating the one-term mayor and former at-large council member Robbie Perkins.

In July 2022, Vaughan retained her role in a close mayoral race against former District 3 representative Justin Outling, garnering 43.1 percent of the vote to Outling’s 41.7 percent. Vaughan is a registered Democrat and attended Fairfield University.

At-large

Mayor Pro Tem Yvonne Johnson served from 1993-2007 as a city council member and was named Mayor Pro Tem for six of those years. The role of Mayor Pro Tem belongs to the candidate who receives the most votes among the three at-large council members. In 2007, Johnson became the first Black Mayor of Greensboro, but was ousted by Republican challenger Bill Knight in 2009. After reclaiming her council seat as an at-large member in 2011, Johnson also reclaimed her title as Mayor Pro Tem. Johnson is a registered Democrat and attended Bennett College, a historically black liberal arts college for women in Greensboro. Johnson is currently the longest-serving member of city council.

Council member Hugh Holston was appointed to the at-large position in 2021 following Michelle Kennedy’s departure from council to head the Housing and Neighborhood Development Department. Holston was unanimously selected by members of the council and retained his seat in the general election in 2022.

Holston is an alumni of UNC-Chapel Hill and had previously served as the chair of the Planning and Zoning Commission.

Council member Marikay Abuzuaiter assumed office in 2011. In the 2022 general election Abuzuaiter garnered 20.1 percent of the vote whereas fellow at-large members Johnson and Holston received 25.2 and 15.7 percent, respectively.

Abuzuaiter is a Democrat and attended Greensboro College. In the past she has been embroiled in controversy as TCB co-founder Eric Ginsburg reported that she acted as a confidential informant for the Greensboro Police Department.

District 1

Council member Sharon Hightower has represented District 1 since 2013. The district starts near downtown and stretches eastward, Gate City Boulevard runs across the north end of the district. Hightower defeated Democratic contender Felton Foushee by a wide margin in the 2022 general election. Hightower is the president of North Carolina Black Elected

Municipal Officials, a statewide organization of current black elected officials. A registered Democrat, Hightower attended East Carolina University and works as a real estate paralegal.

District 2

Goldie Wells won a seat on council in 2005, serving for two terms until 2009. Wells returned to office in 2017 and prevailed in a close race against progressive challenger Cecile Crawford in 2022. District 2 covers much of the eastern portion of the city and extends toward the area surrounding Lake Townsend. Wells earned undergraduate and graduate degrees from Hampton University and North Carolina A&T State University as well as a doctoral degree from UNC-Chapel Hill. Wells is a registered Democrat and daughter of the late civil rights activist Golden Asro Frinks.

District 3

Elected in 2007, council member Zack Matheny is in his fifth term as a representative of District 3, which is traced on the west side by Battleground Avenue. The district also contains the downtown area, and is outlined in the east by Church Street. Matheny was named president of Downtown Greensboro Incorporated in 2015, resigning from council to accept the position after serving four terms as a council member. Matheny returned to the seat in 2022 while remaining president of DGI.

A registered Republican, Matheny’s political aspirations extended beyond Greensboro in his bid to run for Congress in North Carolina’s 6th District in 2013. Matheny did not advance past the Republican primary. He is a graduate of North Carolina State University.

District 4

Council member Nancy Hoffmann has represented District 4 since 2011. The district begins near the downtown area and stretches northwest. A registered Democrat, Hoffman defeated GOP-backed challenger Thurston Reeder in 2022 by a sweeping margin.

In 2021 Hoffmann was appointed by Governor Roy Cooper to the North Carolina Local Government Commission. The commission of nine members is responsible for addressing issues in local government finance. Hoffmann’s term on the LGC will expire on June 30, 2025. Hoffmann holds degrees from Winthrop University and the University of South Carolina.

District 5

Council member Tammi Thurm is serving her second term as the representative for District 5, which covers the western section of the city and the area around the airport. Thurm claimed former council member Tony Wilkins’ seat in 2017. Wilkins previously served in the role of executive director of the Guilford County Republican Party and had been on the council since 2012 following former council member Trudy Wade’s ascension to the NC State Senate. Thurm and Wilkins faced off again in 2022 with Thurm winning by 600 votes.

A registered Democrat and graduate of UNC-Greensboro, Thurm is a senior level finance executive who worked as the chief financial officer of Listingbook and Capsule Group.

OPINION EDITORIAL

In the new NC Supreme Court, the fix is in

The big news in North Carolina last week was the announcement that our new state Supreme Court, which in November 2022 shifted to majority Republican, will re-adjudicate two decisions the former court made that were unfavorable to GOP dogma.

The court will rehear arguments about our state Senate districts, which were ruled illegal gerrymanders by the court in December 2022, just before everything switched over, and it will redecide the legality of voter ID, which was also settled in December, struck down because it was found to be a tool that disenfranchises Black voters.

Don’t let anyone tell you different: This does not happen all the time; it is not business as usual; it is neither good government nor good jurisprudence. Nothing has changed since the last decisions were rendered, except for the makeup of the court.

It’s a huge waste of money, but more significantly, it is a waste of time, which is the primary strategy in the GOP playbook.

One hallmark of progress means

setting right the wrongs of the past so that we can move forward. But we cannot move forward if we keep re-litigating everything until it turns out the way the Republicans want it to. It’s not how the law is supposed to work, not how the courts are supposed to work, not how government is supposed to work. Game this policy out, and soon we will be writing a new state Constitution every time there’s a power shift in the NC Legislature. But these measures are designed to make sure there is never a change in the power structure.

This is what minority rule looks like.

Back in November, when the new court was elected, we opted to give them the benefit of the doubt until that started their terms.

We wrote: “The GOP takeover of the NC Supreme Court is big news only if the court begins to act in as partisan a fashion as the US Supreme Court has since the conservatives took over — specifically the ones who lied to Congress to get their jobs, or the one whose spouse helped plan the Jan. 6 Insurrection.”

Looks like it didn’t take long.

John Cole

Courtesy of NC Policy Watch

We cannot move forward if we keep re-litigating everything until it turns out the way the Republicans want it to.

Letting the dogs out: Local pup culture allows for freedom of fetish expression

by Luis H. Garay

Editor’s note: TCB has opted to use scene names for this piece to protect the privacy of those interviewed.

Under blue and white rotating strobe lights, bar patrons in dog-face masks, bright-orange bodysuits and mesh tops with jeans sway their bodies to a remix of Whitney Houston’s classic “I Wanna Dance with Somebody.”

The numerous people dance in Greensboro’s Twist Lounge for a monthly event known as Fetish Friday, a safe space for those in the fetish community to gather and socialize. The group of people in dog masks are known as “pups,” and make up a subset of the fetish community. Organizer

Chance Thee Pup is the founder of Pup Pound Events and came up with the idea for a local group after speaking with Brenda the Drag Queen. Over drinks, Chance told Brenda about a pup event he was going to in Charlotte and how he wished he didn’t have to travel that far to enjoy the event. Brenda suggested Chance start pup events in Greensboro.

“I was like, how do I even do that?,” Chance recalls.

“Brenda made a phone call and then said, “You’ll be having a Fetish Friday next week at Twist.” Another local fetish group called the Talon Clan Primal Pack was set to host a bar night there. The bar manager at Twist at the time suggested to the group to have Fetish Friday on the same night and open it to all in the fetish community. That was in April 2022.

Now, Pup Pound Events alongside Talon Clan Primal Pack hosts the monthly celebrations. Triad Health Project attends each event to provide STI and HIV testing as well as sexual health resources. The events have brought a vibrant local community together, Chance says.

“I knew there were a few people from the Triad going to Charlotte, we’re all friends and we know each other,” Chance says.

As a subgroup of fetish culture, pup communities are connected to the history of the

leather and BDSM communities. Those actively participating in pup culture engage in play where participants recreate canine behavior in consensual adult role-playing scenarios or relationships that can be sexual or platonic or both. In a more sexual scenario, the pup will have a dominant partner who is often referred to as the handler, responsible for the well-being of the pup and the activities the pup partakes in. In a non-sexual scenario, pups engage in play with chew toys, running around or wrestling on mats.

A major misconception is that the pup community is strictly sexual.

“Most people think it is all solely about sex,” Chance explains. “It’s more about the group and the people you feel a bond with. People create packs which are basically family-like situations.” Chance’s first encounter with the pup community was at Charlotte Pride in 2019. He saw a pup for the first time and was intrigued by the mask the pup was wearing.

“I asked where they got it,” he recalls. “I asked some questions and they were willing to give me answers.” A few months later, Chance received his first pup hood as a birthday gift from his husband.

Pup hoods are typically made with neoprene and spandex material. They can vary in color and some have distinct features such as a protruding muzzle, defined eyebrows, and perked up ears. Some hoods can be accessorized with piercings, specific coloring and even synthetic hair. Typically they cover the majority of the face, with only the eyes made visible. The hood is one part of the outfit a pup may have in their wardrobe, which is often referred to as “gear.” Additional items such as tails, paws (leather mittens) and a collar can also be included.

Describing how it felt the first time he wore his hood, Chance says he felt like a superhero with a cape.

“I got to feel free and let loose,” Chance recalls with a huge smile. “I can be socially shy sometimes, so the hood gave me the courage to be free and have a persona like say a drag queen.”

That sense of confidence can be life changing for those who find community in pup spaces.

“The community…is an additional outlet for me to be free to express myself among other like-minded individuals,” says Razz, a Greensboro pup. “I just moved back recently to Greensboro and being here really feels like home for me”.

Miloh, a pup who was born and raised in Greensboro, agreed.

“I hope that I speak for all of us in saying that it’s been a great opportunity to live the kind of lifestyle that all of this entails,” he says.

As a white, gay man, Chance acknowledges that the group is not where they would like to be when it comes to diversity. Inclusion is important so people from all identities can find community at Pup Pound Events, he says.

A group of local pups hang out at Fetish Fridays at Twist Lounge.

PHOTO BY LUIS H. GARAY

“ “

Jinx, a pup who identifies as a cisgender woman of color, shared her experience.

“There are not many cis females as pups,” she says. “There are more now but not that many. I’ve been welcomed with open arms and I’m very grateful for that.”

Similar to Chance, Jinx used to travel to find pup communities, going to cities like New York and Atlanta. With Pup Pounds Events she realized there were many pups in her hometown. “Everytime [Pup Pound] has events I get so excited because it’s like, oh my god there are so many pups!”

In the last few years, digital spaces have become vital arenas for the pup community to connect. Apps like Telegram and online forums like Reddit help pups find connection and learn about events especially during the pandemic.

Now, as more events happen in-person, Chance continues his dreams of helping others find community.

“I wouldn’t mind being able to help other areas in North Carolina have pup events,” Chance says. “Pups really do drive just to be around each other and feel that sense of community safety.”

For more information, visit Pup Pounds Events on Facebook or Instagram.

NCDOT to Hold Public Meeting Regarding Improvements to Clanton Road from Donald Ross Road to Wilkinson Boulevard in Mecklenburg County

STIP Project P-5730

Charlotte – The public is invited to a meeting with the N.C. Department of Transportation this month to discuss the proposed extension of Clanton Road from Donald Ross Road to Wilkinson Boulevard in Charlotte.

The proposed project, State Transportation Improvement Program Project No. P-5730, would construct a grade separation over the Norfolk Southern rail line, and close the existing at-grade crossing on Donald Ross Road. It’s intended to address traffic and safety concerns and improve road and multimodal connections throughout the area

Project details, including maps of the proposal, can be found on the NCDOT project web page at https://publicinput.com/ clantonrd-ext.

The meeting will be held 5-7 p.m. February 16th at the American Legion at 1940 Donald Ross Road, Charlotte, NC 28208. Interested residents can drop in any time to learn more about the proposal, have questions answered and talk with NCDOT representatives. There will not be a formal presentation.

People may also submit comments by phone, email or mail by March 3rd

For more information, contact NCDOT Rail Division Project Engineer Greg Blakeney at 919-707-4717; gmblakeney@ ncdot.gov; or 1553 Mail Service Center in Raleigh.

NCDOT will provide auxiliary aids and services under the Americans with Disabilities Act for disabled people who wish to participate in this workshop. Anyone requiring special services should contact Simone Robinson, Environmental Analysis Unit, at 1598 Mail Service Center in Raleigh; 919-707-6062; or strobinson1@ncdot.gov as early as possible so that arrangements can be made.

Those who do not speak English, or have a limited ability to read, speak or understand English, may receive interpretive services upon request prior by calling 1-800-481-6494.

Aquellas personas no hablan inglés, o tienen limitaciones para leer, hablar o entender inglés, podrían recibir servicios de interpretación si los solicitan llamando al 1-800-481-6494.

Jinx, who identifies as a cisgender woman of color said she’s grateful to have found this community.

PHOTO BY LUIS H. GARAY

Q&A: Reese Copeland on ghostwriting erotica

by Michaela Ratliff

Reese Copeland (pen name) is a Greensboro author, ghostwriter and avid reader who claims to read 300 books a year. Copeland embraces a “cottagecore” aesthetic, celebrating a simple, rural life emphasized by activities like picking flowers, baking foods from scratch and wearing lacy, floral-print dresses. Copeland lives modestly, so it’s surprising that she bares it all for her job writing smut. Steamy, filthy, fan-yourself-with-your-hand kind of smut.

How in the world does an opportunity writing erotica even present itself?

(Laughs) Oh my gosh, okay. So I’m an avid reader, and I’d be obsessed with my favorite authors. Before Booktalk (an online book discussion forum), it was Facebook groups, and I’d always be in the authors’ Facebook groups talking about what I think could be done better. And then from there I started working on ARCs, which is advanced reader copy for some of the authors. I was so opinionated that my comments got larger so that developed for a few of my clients into actual ghostwriting. It was just straight up romance for the longest time and then I got a request for an alien romance and I was like, ‘What are y’all talking about right now?’ In doing my research for the client I realized there were all these genres that never even crossed my poor little vanilla mind.

I was reading very Hallmark romances. These were not that. My client said, ‘If you don’t feel slightly ashamed writing it, it’s not good enough. From there I started getting more erotica clients and then eventually I tried my hand at a reverse harem book. The book was a success, but I didn’t like having to deal with unsolicited opinions and having to please your readers so I just decided to stick with ghostwriting. My first erotica gig happened around 2018.

Are you able to talk about some of the works you’ve helped with?

I can’t say too much, but there is something for everyone. If you have a kink, there is a work of fiction out there for you. I’ve worked on some of the most interesting things, and there are [sex] toys and things of that nature that go with those books. To me, that’s the most interesting part is seeing how authors take the genre they’re working on and align it with merchandise.

How has writing erotica

changed your view of sex?

I grew up in a very Baptist, African-American family. Sex was supposed to be for your husband and only your husband and really only when you’re trying to have children. I think that’s why as a young girl I got into reading romances because it was something I could never imagine before. Just meeting in the grocery store, falling in love, going home and banging it out. Once I became a writer, sex for me is so much more intimate now. Porn doesn’t do it for me anymore since it’s basically my job. If anything, I’m thinking, Her toes need to curl. She’s not grabbing at the sheets. It’s not even physical for me anymore. It has to be more than that for me to want to be invested in it.

Q

Q Q

A A

How does writing erotica intersect with your identity?

A

A A CULTURE

I’ve had people find out what I do for work and think that means I’m a swinger or overly sexualized all the time. What my job is has nothing to do with my base identity and I think it can be very confusing for people. It also makes it hard for me to make friends. I don’t typically lead with what I do for a living because people make assumptions. My husband was trying to make friends at one point, and when everyone was telling funny stories, he told one about my job. Someone there basically assumed he was saying we were swingers, and the next time we hung out with them one on one, they were coming onto us.

What tips do you have for writers looking to enter the erotica industry?

Write what you know. Don’t write just because you think that’s the genre you should be making money in or that’s the most easily accessible genre. If it’s something that actually turns you on or makes you feel some type of way — if you cry while writing it, your viewers will cry while reading it. There’s a lot of things you can do on your own, and for every writer, there’s a reader.

CULTURE | FEB. 915. 2023 9

CULTURE

‘I questioned if I was broken’

Members of asexual and aromantic community share their stories

by Destiniee Jaram

Being the last letter of an acronym comes with its disadvantages. Despite making up about 1.7 percent of all adults in the US, asexual and aromantic people continue to face misconceptions about their identity.

“We just don’t find other people sexually attractive or meet someone and desire them sexually,” says Mel Loyd, an aro-ace, or an aromantic-asexual living in Greensboro.

According to the Trevor Project, asexuality — represented by the “A” in the LGBTQIA+ spectrum — is an umbrella term for the lack of physical and/or sexual attraction. Asexual people are also known as “Ace” or “Aces.” Slightly different from asexual, are people who identify as aromantic. Aromantic means not experiencing any romantic attraction to any gender. An example of this could be never experiencing the feeling of having a crush and not understanding that feeling either. Aromantic people are also known as “Aro” or “Aros.” Both exist on a spectrum and can be referred to as “gray,” according to the Trevor Project.

“Not all asexual people are aromantic, and not all aromantic people are asexual,” Shane Cricket, an asexual and aromantic facilitator of a statewide online support group on Meetup called Asexuals and Aromantics of North Carolina explains.

The asexual and aromantic community acknowledge a split-attraction model, meaning people can experience both romantic and sexual attraction to others in different, and separate, ways, according to Cricket. For example, a person could be heteroromantic and bisexual or homosexual and aromantic to name a few variations of the wide spectrum of asexuality.

While it may sound like celibacy, it’s not, says Meadow Allen, a local aromatic-asexual.

“Celibacy is a choice; asexuality is not,” Allen says. “Celibates feel attraction, feel desire and simply choose not to act on these impulses. Asexuals have no such choice as to how we feel.”

Since asexuality is on a spectrum, some people in the ace community do feel sexual attraction, such as L. Williams, who only realized she was ace last year.

“I do feel sexual attraction from time to time, but it’s not really something that takes up a major part of my life,” Williams says. “Occasionally having sex or being attracted to someone does not make me any less asexual; it just shows the complexity that is the human condition.”

Like many of the other sexualities and identities on the LGBTQ+ spectrum, asexual and aromantic people continue to battle widespread misconceptions.

“In a society that is so sex- and romance-focused, our platonic feelings are made to seem less important and meaningful than sexual/romantic

feelings and desires,” says Mel Loyd, a member of Asexuals and Aromantics of North Carolina.

For many asexual people, questioning if something is wrong with them is also common.

“I questioned if I was broken, had a hormone imbalance, or had some sort of trauma,” Cricket says. “I forced myself to have sex with people hoping someday I would be into it, and thinking that no relationship would ever be healthy without a healthy sex life.”

Then, six years ago, Cricket joined a local asexual community and found hundreds like himself.

“I discovered the word asexual and was immediately relieved,” he says. “I remember crying from finally finding an answer, and that nothing was actually wrong with me.”

When Cricket moved to North Carolina from California during the pandemic, he discovered a need for resources specifically for the ace community across the state.

“I always knew I was different,” he says. “But, I never quite fit in with other LGBT people, and it was always so isolating.”

So, Cricket took it upon himself to create an online support group on Meetup called Asexuals and Aromantics of North Carolina, which he describes as “life-changing.”

“I knew there were asexual and aromantic people everywhere, and that we just needed a way to find each other,” Cricket says. “After meeting so many people through these groups, I can easily say that I have found my people.”

The online Meetup group takes place on the second Monday of every month. Recently, the group has begun to meet in-person occasionally too.

Cricket also found an asexual dating group, which can be a cause for anxiety for some people in the ace community. And that’s because the rules are fluid; some in the ace community date non-ace individuals and some don’t — it’s personal.

“A sex-favorable ace may have an easier time dating, since an aversion to sex is often a deal-breaker for most allosexuals (non-ace people),” Loyd explains.

Establishing trust is a huge priority to the delicate balance of sex in a

“

I always knew I was different.

Shane Cricket

Shane Cricket founded the Asexuals and Aromantics of North Carolina group to help others like him find connection.

COURTESY PHOTO

CULTURE

relationship with an asexual and allosexual person.

“To avoid relationships where we’ll feel pressured to compromise our personal

Boundaries we need to be up front and open about our personal asexual experience with any potential partner,” Loyd says.

However, the difficulty of finding an accepting partner for some asexual people means that many aces are much more comfortable, or only comfortable, dating within the community.

“While not impossible, it’s difficult,” Allen says. “Personally, I’m a sex repulsed aro-ace. I won’t participate in sexual activity whatsoever. In order to date an allosexual person, I would have to find someone who would be accommodating to the lack of a physical intimate relationship.”

Ultimately, the ace community is made up of a diverse spectrum of identities. Ace, gray, asexual and aromantic all are unique.

“To me, asexuality is a comfort that I am not alone,” Allen says. “It is the understanding that I am not broken, and that I am allowed to not be comfortable with certain things deemed ‘normal’ by the majority of people.”

For more information and support about the Ace community, visit asexuality.org.

To meet other people in the Ace community around the Triad, visit asexualitic.com/groups/north-carolina-aces/ or meetup.com/asexals-and-aromantics-of-north-carolina

Additional advice for those curious about asexuality:

Meadow Allen: The most important thing is to listen to yourself. You never have to label yourself asexual if that isn’t your thing, but don’t let yourself be pushed into situations you aren’t comfortable with just for the sake of ‘feeling normal.’ “

Mel Loyd: Trust that you know yourself, and your experiences and feelings. You don’t have to be pressured into any situation because it’s what everyone is supposed to want. Take your time to understand your own comfort and boundaries, and do what will make you personally feel happiest.

Shane Cricket: For anyone who thinks they might be asexual and/ or aromantic, they are welcome to attend a virtual support group on Meetup called Asexuals and Aromantics of North Carolina. It is a discussion group for all asexual-spectrum, aromantic-spectrum and questioning people who are 18 years and older. All meetings are free, and led by a peer-facilitator.”

For those looking to be better allies:

Meadow Allen: Just listen. Just accept that they know themselves better than you would. Just listen, and accept. The more people become aware that we even exist, the easier things will be for every asexual. Having to explain what asexuality means every time you dare to bring it up to a new person can be exhausting, and it’s extremely rare that someone understands.

Mel Loyd: Accept us and how we identify ourselves. Trust that we know ourselves and our experiences, and that we don’t need to ‘find the right person’ or overcome what many perceive as a flaw, but are just having a different experience than most people.

Q&A with Cole Kampen: Why sexual health is important

by Sayaka Matsuoka

Cole Kampen has worked as a physical therapist since 2011. In 2022, she opened Triad Pelvic Health to create a safe, welcoming environment for all seeking help with pelvic issues.

Cole Kampen (she/her) has been a physical therapist since 2011, specializing in pelvic health since 2017. She’s the founder of Triad Pelvic Health, which opened in 2022 as a safe, welcoming space for all. Learn more about her and her business at triadpelvichealth.com or follow them on social media @triadpelvichealth

First, explain what pelvic health is and how it pertains to sexual health

It’s a sub-specialty in physical therapy where we treat adults with issues related to bladder function, bowel function and sexual function. It’s a private one-on-one physical therapy that addresses muscular and neurovascular issues.

Part of pelvic health includes sexual health, so that addresses things like erectile dysfunction, pain in the genitals, persistent genital arousal disorder or premature ejaculation to name a few. Basically, there’s all sorts of things that we don’t talk about but that we have solutions for. It’s a holistic approach because those issues can only be addressed if we are addressing the whole person.

A lot of folks that have these experiences have a history of trauma or sexual assault so a safe environment is really important; that’s why I wanted to open Triad Pelvic Health.

As far as your work goes, how do you define sexual health?

The WHO and CDC actually have a definition of sexual health and that’s an important framework to understand, that no matter who you are or your orientation or what feels good to you, it all fits together.

Part of the definition goes like this: “[A] state of physical, emotional, mental and social well-being in relation to sexuality….”

That part about social well-being, I think is really important because we’re not often invited to think about sexual health in terms of our mental or social well-being. But this is important because it really helps us understand that no matter somebody’s orientation or identity or what they enjoy, it’s

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a basic human right. A lot of times, what I see is that folks don’t consider sex, sexuality or pleasure an important part of their life.

Sexual health requires a positive and respectful approach to sexuality and sexual relationships, as well as the possibility of having pleasurable and safe sexual experiences. It also helps us remember that sex doesn’t have to be partnered.

Talk more about misconceptions around sex.

Most of us were brought up to understand that sex has to involve another person, and that it usually includes some sort of penetration and also orgasm. But in terms of physical therapy and physical health, that’s a very narrow script and people end up feeling discouraged or something is wrong with them if one of those things isn’t happening. But if they enjoy self touch, or have difficulty with penetration because of painful or erectile dysfunction, non-penetrative intercourse is fine too.

We’re also so genital focused. But sex can occur no matter where it is in the body: at the forehead, behind the ear, on the low back. As long as it is pleasure and consensual, there aren’t good or bad parts of the body, that’s called pleasure mapping.

Sexuality is this big pie and people often feel like it only counts if they have an orgasm or their partner does or have penetration, but that’s just a small part of the pie. And all the other parts of the pie are useful and helpful. So just having touch and pleasure without a goal, removing the need of goal-oriented sex removes the feeling of “having bad sex.” It invites people to think about it in a different way.

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Can you talk about how you work to combat shame around sex in your work?

Yes, it’s so deep and important. When and how and where we learn about sex really frames how we think about sexual health and our bodies. Especially in the South, especially those who grew up in the purity culture in the ’90s, we’re seeing the cascade of that in traumatic experiences for folks. And often, we end up just learning from media. For example, the marketing of things like Cialis or Viagra show that if I’m a certain age and I can’t have sex, that must mean I have a medical issue. We’re taught that what sex looks like when we’re 18 is how it should look like when we’re 28 or 48 or 68, but it’s different. Sex changes throughout the course of our lives. So if people aren’t feeling happy with their sex life in any way, then they should talk to their healthcare provider about it. And if they don’t feel like they can talk to their healthcare provider about it, they need to find a new healthcare provider.

Can you explain some of the therapies you use to help people?

I treat folks with penises and vaginas and a majority of people I see with sexual dysfunction. The common factor is pelvic-floor overactivity where the muscles are tense.

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A lot of treatment for sexual dysfunction is helping people learn about their bodies, how their bodies work, how arousal and desire works, blood flow and circulation, like we would do with all the other parts of the body. Sometimes I prescribe deep breathing. If someone is having difficulty with erection, stretching, strengthening the pelvic floor muscles can help. Sometimes kegels can be helpful, or for those post-prostate surgeries, penile pumps can help with engorgement, or clamps. For folks with difficulty with painful sex, sometimes I’ll ask folks to consider vibrators or dilators are really important to provide desensitization because it gives someone more control. In physical therapy, we do manual therapy so I give people things to work on at home to reconnect with their body. Basically, if things aren’t going well, there are things that they can do.

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Why do you think this topic is important?

In our busy culture our levels of stress and responsibility change. It can be hard to destress enough to feel relaxed for sex, but just like how important play is for kids, sex is unstructured play. It’s an adult form of play and the best sex is open-ended, where we can feel satisfied from the playfulness, the sheer joy of exploration. It’s important to blow off steam and just have fun.

Pelvic health is important because it helps to treat and improve our bladder, bowel and sexual health so in the rest of our lives we can move on without being limited by those things. For sexual health in particular, it’s important because it changes the way we think about ourselves. Our culture has a really hard time with pleasure, but it’s a basic human need along with eating and sleeping; we need pleasure in our lives. So to find and identify pleasure is important to have a happy life.

Toying around: Triad adult shops offer a supportive place to play

by Autumn Karen

Sometimes, the right toy can make all the difference. A man and woman walk into the leopard print carpeted Adam & Eve store on Spring Garden Street in Greensboro. They seem to be looking for something specific, but can’t find it, so store manager Lisa Morel walks over and asks in a warm tone if she can help. After talking around it, the man shares that he’s interested in exploring a threesome with another man. The woman is supportive, but Morel can tell she’s nervous about the prospect.

Walking over to the wall of dildos, she reaches up and hands one to the couple.

“Here’s your threesome without a heartbeat,” she declares.

After the initial moment of shock, the couple reconnects with excitement and exits the store with their new toy in hand.

“He’s getting what he wants, and she’s getting what she needs,” says Morel.

After more than 30 years in the adult boutique business, Morel has carved out an encouraging, sex-positive place for people who want to explore pleasure in the Triad. She speaks lovingly of supporting women who have lost their confidence but find it again through lingerie and vibrators, then she talks proudly of helping educate college students on the health benefits of prostate stimulation.

“It’s a fun job, but it’s a tough job,” she says of the one-on-one attention offered at Adam & Eve, a locally owned franchise of the biggest adult-products brand in the country. Incidentally, Adam & Eve is headquartered just up the road in Hillsborough.

Anyone who is interested in exploring what’s possible, either on their own or with a partner or partners, has plenty to choose from in the Triad. There are four separate stores in Greensboro including Miranda’s, Cupid’s Corner, Priscilla McCall’s and Adam & Eve. High Point is home to Market Video & News. Winston-Salem has three adult boutiques — Romeo & Juliet’s, Priscilla McCall’s and Annabelle’s Adult Supercenter.

Mike, who bought Romeo & Juliet’s in Winston-Salem three years ago, launched a major remodel of the building to create a comfortable and welcom-

ing environment for everyone. “We’ve got a gay side and a straight side. Everyone is welcome here without any judgment,” Mike shares. The store is working hard to reach out to the LGBTQ+ community in the area, besides supporting the straight and kink populations.

One of the few shops in the Triad with private rooms and an arcade theater, Romeo & Juliet’s is moving away from old ideas of what an adult boutique can offer while still maintaining services that are harder to find these days.

Mike himself has a long history in the business. Referring to the anti-pornography crusade of Reagan Attorney General Edwin Meese, Mike says, “I still remember the old days when cops would just come in and shut the place down.”

The Triad has a surprisingly rich historical connection with the adult-store industry. Priscilla McCall’s, a chain with stores in four states, is based in Greensboro. Adam & Eve opened its very first physical store in Greensboro in 1999. Founder Phil Harvey famously went toe-to-toe with the Justice Department and Meese

in the fight to distribute condoms and sell erotic materials throughout the ’80s and ’90s, all while being subject to FBI raids and intimidation. The battle went all the way to the US Supreme Court, where Harvey won. Those wins are one reason why adult boutiques can foster healthy sex education and exploration today without censorship.

The freedom to explore has allowed shops like those in the Triad to thrive. In an effort to help people step out of their comfort zones, Romeo & Juliet’s has begun hosting regular in-store parties to foster increased understanding and community, all promoted through their Facebook group. Staff at Romeo & Juliet’s regularly educates customers about the importance of cleaning sex toys properly, besides counseling the curious about their selection of BDSM equipment, cock rings, bluetooth vibrators and roleplay gear.

Though there are lots of shops in the area, Morel at Adam & Eve emphasizes the importance of embracing the possibilities without being overly competitive.

“There’s room for everyone here,” she says. “People trust us with the most intimate part of their lives, and it’s a privilege to offer this service to them.”

Local Adult Stores

GREENSBORO Miranda’s 1310 E Bessemer Ave (336) 274-7188

Cupid’s Corner 2438 Randleman Rd (336) 763-5073 Instagram: @cupids_corner_

Priscilla McCall’s 3716 High Point Rd. (336) 851-0190 345 NC-68 (336) 882-5132 priscillamccall.com

Adam & Eve 2500 Spring Garden St. 336-854-3474 greensboro.adamevestores.com

HIGH POINT Market Video & News 1100 S. Main St (336) 882-7991

WINSTON-SALEM

Romeo & Juliet’s 1045 N. Cherry St (336) 842-5510 romeoandjuliets.com

Annabelle’s Adult Supercenter 3804 Patterson Ave (336) 767-8285 annabelles.com

Priscilla McCall’s 759 Silas Creek Pkwy (336) 723-6203 priscillamccall.com

Adam & Eve in Greensboro helps individuals and couples find play and pleaure.

PHOTO BY CAROLYN DE BERRY

SHOT IN THE TRIAD

BY CAROLYN DE BERRY

East Market Street, Greensboro

February morning at Revision Vintage in downtown Greensboro.

CROSSWORD SUDOKU

by Matt Jones

LAST WEEK’S ANSWERS:

Across

1. Aromatic ointment

5. Fitzgerald forte

9. Like some doors

13. “Superfood” berry

14. Approximately

15. Put on the hard drive

16. Flagship brew of what’s now Spoetzl Brewery, named for the town in Texas

18. ACL’s joint

19. Tea holder

20. Sweater style

22. Tongue-in-cheek entertainment

24. “The game is ___”

25. Side-to-side skid

29. Surpass in smarts

32. Shaw on the jazz clarinet

33. Peculiarity

35. Suffix with ethyl and propyl

36. Pager sound

37. Like some 1940s pinups

38. Clamors

39. Web connection co.

40. Invoice words before a date

41. Assume as a fact

42. Not these or those

44. Circle segments, in some circles

46. Peeved

48. Do some karaoke

49. Term for a long streak of championships (last achieved in major pro sports by the 1980s New York Islanders)

52. Deeply dismayed

56. ___ Kadabra (enemy of the Flash)

57. 1977 four-wheel drive coupé that sorta resembled a pickup

59. Type of skateboarding that includes inclines

60. Birthplace of the violin

61. Egg, in Paris

62. “Game of Thrones” heroine Stark

63. Foam football brand

64. Knit material

1. Enjoy the limelight (or sunlight)

2. Bruise symptom

3. Cafe au ___

4. Ice cream flavor that’s usually green or white

5. Blood relation, slangily

6. “Peter Pan” critter

7. African capital on the Gulf of Guinea

8. Become... something

9. Beginning of a JFK quote

10. Former Sleater-Kinney drummer who also worked with Stephen Malkmus and the Shins

11. “Voulez-vous coucher ___ moi?”

12. Smell real bad

14. Espresso foam

17. Bring delight to

21. “The Caine Mutiny” author Herman

23. Arouse, as one’s interest

25. Italian model who graced many a romance novel cover

26. “___ my case!”

27. Superstar who holds records for most three-pointers in a career, season, and NBA finals

28. Pyramid-shaped Vegas hotel

30. Belly button type

31. Students’ challenges

34. New York college and Scottish isle, for two

37. Brings en masse to an event, maybe

38. Pillsbury mascot (whose name is Poppin’ Fresh)

40. Roller coaster feature

41. Stop-motion kids’ show set in Antarctica

43. Literary misprints

45. Daily record

47. Pan-fry

49. Broad bean

50. “Remote Control” host Ken

51. Ski resort transport

53. Rectangle calculation

54. Dino’s end?

55. Initialism from “Winnie the Pooh” specials that predated text messages

58. TV alien who lived with the Tanners

‘In the Wurst Way’— find the missing links.

© 2023 Matt Jones

© 2022 Jonesin’ Crosswords (editor@jonesincrosswords.com)