Progress isn’t linear.

My mental health was really bad a few years ago. I was never officially diagnosed, but I had a lot of symptoms of depression and I still have a lot of anxiety. I struggle with feeling good enough and being heard. I still struggle, but I’ve started journaling and separating my spaces. I’ve also found being active, or changing my setting has been really helpful because it helped change my mindset and get a different perspective. Progress isn’t linear. Don’t stress too much if you have a slight setback or one bad day.

ANONYMOUS, 18 YEARS OLD

DEFINING SELF-CARE

I would define self care as something one does to better themselves and help take care of their mental and/or physical health.

My Mental Health Story

A lot of your life as a woman seems to be focused on control; controlling my body and how I express it by what I chose to wear and what I chose to do. I would often get catcalled and followed by creepy men, the first time I was only 11. This continued throughout life and only got worse as I got older. As I got older the question of “what were you wearing” started to pop up a lot more. The blame was getting put on a 15 year old girl in sweatpants and a hoodie rather than the 22 year old guy who followed me because there was a possibility of me wearing something too showy. It was then set in my mind that the blame would always be put on the women.

Moving on from there I was sexually assaulted at age 15. At first I didn’t know what happened to me, I was confused and disgusted with myself, but I didn’t know why. That night I took a burning hot shower and burned my skin trying to scrub off his touch. I told close friends and some of his friends who chose to actually still talk to him, which hurt even more. People actually excused what he had done to me and still talked to him; this drove me crazy. I would often have random nightmares and random panic attacks about this. At first I had no clue how to deal with them.

After some time I started to go to therapy. Once speaking to my therapist, he had told me I had ptsd. At first I was in denial because I was only 15, but he explained that’s what all my random panic attacks and nightmares were.

My therapist began letting me share my story with him. He was the first adult who I even spoke to about it. My parents still don’t know about it to this day. But I’ve got to the point where I was eventually rarely having nightmares.

Then one day I saw him. I saw him at the fair while I was with my friend. He began to point and laugh at me with his friends whispering God knows what about me. After I saw him he followed me around the fair until I left.

This haunted me. I went home bawling my eyes out in my room, asking myself why? Why would he taunt me? Why would he do any of this? Sometimes I would actually tell myself it was my fault. It was not my fault though, it had nothing to do with me or what I was wearing or anything. I said no and I pushed and shoved but it didn’t stop him.

I later found out that he had spread rumors about me that I used him for sex and for drugs. I hated going to school after this. My grades dropped lower and lower and I had lost all motivation. I mean, I had never even had sex, nor had I done drugs. I went from a straight A student to some of my classes are good, and some I’m completely failing, but I didn’t care.

In 11th grade, I began a poetry unit in a creative writing art class where I learned that writing moved me. We had journaling every Friday where we could write about anything we wanted and he would never read them.

Now I rarely have nightmares and panic attacks. I have a dog and she even helps as well. She sleeps with me at night and makes me feel calm and warm, so I can finally sleep in the dark again.

Advice For Young Adults

Talk to someone at least. It doesn’t have to be a trusted adult right away. It can be a friend or a cousin or a significant other, but please talk to someone. If you can’t tell anyone tell a book; write down word for word how you feel. You don’t owe your story to anyone, but please talk to someone. If you can’t ask your parents for therapy, there is online therapy for free.

The Never Forgotten—Never Forgiven Touch

You approached me with seemingly soft eyes. You approached me with seemingly kind words. You approached me with seemingly interesting thoughts; wanting to learn more of me.

I didn’t notice at first but all you were interested in was the touch of my skin. I should have known you didn’t plan on sticking around— stupid naive me. We were laying down on my bed when your lips invaded mine— I pushed away.

I thought I was strong— I thought my push and STOP would work— they didn’t.

My body froze from fear - you took that as an invitation.

You poked and prodded at me freely, like I was roadkill; As much as I prompted my body to move, it ignored my pleas. Then, before I knew it, you were gone.

I took a shower that same hour.

So dirty— I tried so hard to scrub off your touch. The water burned my skin and peeled some off; I hated my skin, now poisoned by your touch.

I hate how you left me with nightmares and scars, still engraved in my head. I hate how when I saw you after that, you taunted me, knowing what you did. For that I refuse to forgive you.

The question is: can I forgive myself for not speaking up?

I hid. I hid it from everyone.

The everlasting thought - was there another victim… after me?

Is it my fault if there was?

Yes, I know it’s not my fault, Yet sometimes I blame myself for not saying a word.

I hate you for what you did and some days I hate myself too.

SETH, 21 YEARS OLD

DEFINING SELF-CARE

Self care can be a lot of things. It depends on what we need. Self care when we’re burntout can look like a bath or relaxing and watching tv. More intentional and intensive self care can be journaling and meditation, or just crying. Self care is any way that can help you process and let go of your emotions.

My Mental Health Story

Eleven years ago, my neighbor spent a month terrorizing, threatening, and racially harassing my family and I, as well as physically endangering us. He threw paint on our cars, eggs, slit our tires, and lastly on June 11th, 2011, he tried to light our house on fire using flammable bags he threw in our garden, next to our house, and underneath our cars. We were then escorted by the swat team that night because my dad woke up by the noise in time before anything more life threatening occurred.

I spent months after the incident crying every night in fear he’d come back and kill me. He was never found guilty of any of it.

I have post traumatic stress disorder from this and often spend a lot of my day to day in fear or numbness from triggers. However, I am quite open about my story as a psych student and future mental health counselor. I’ve found a lot of healing in telling my story and getting help. I’ve had depression since high school and still struggle to this day. It’s a long journey understanding and re learning to love myself. It’s been hard to release

Today and as of two and a half years ago, I’ve had a mental health page where I not only talk about my own experiences but provide support and solace to other people who also struggle with their mental health.

JOLI, 21 YEARS OLD

DEFINING SELF-CARE

therapeutic_mentality

If I’ve learned anything from this, it’s that healing is so incredibly difficult and it can take what seems like forever to see even a glimpse of hope or progress, but we’re all worth it in the end. We are not a burden or weak for getting help. It’s what makes us strong.

Self care is something that makes you happy. I am a homebody, so self care for me is being in pajamas and relaxing on the couch.

My Mental Health Story

My most significant mental health struggle has been coping with my dad’s passing in 2017. At the time, I found it very hard to express my grief. I mainly focused on school work and hanging out with friends. My friends were always there to talk about it if I wanted to. I found it healthy to talk about my feelings with my friends. Being able to now openly talk about my grief has helped me be there for my friend whose parent has recently passed away. I also channeled my grief into my art. It was my coping mechanism that I think helped me talk about my dad/grief. I have made art surrounding grief for the past five years, but this year I felt that I have grown so much from making work about grief.

I will never move on from my grief, but I am growing with it. My current work is an evolution of my past work. It is the progression of a personal journey.

Mental Health Resources

Treatment Centers

Dutchess County Stabilization Unit

230 North Road

Poughkeepsie, NY 12601

Text/Phone: (845) 485–9700

DutchessNY.gov/Stabilization

Mental Health & Substance Use Urgent Care

Two Locations: Union Street

Community Counseling Center

16–24 Union Street, Middletown, NY 10940

Kaplan Family Counseling Center

21–23 Grand Street, Newburgh, NY 12550

1–888–750 2266 https://accesssupports.org/mental health substance use urgent care/

Ulster County Mobile Mental Health Team

844–277–4820

10AM–10PM daily https://accesssupports.org/behavioral health/

988 National Suicide and Crisis Lifeline

24/7 Service

Websites

Active Minds https://www.activeminds.org/

Mental Health is Health https://www.mentalhealthishealth.us/

National Alliance on Mental Illness https://nami.org/Home

National Institute of Mental Health https://www.nimh.nih.gov/

Psychology Today https://www.psychologytoday.com/us

Project Healthy Minds https://www.projecthealthyminds.com/

SUNY Mental Health Resource Finder https://www.suny.edu/mental health/resources/

Apps

Clear Fear

DiveThru

Finch

How We Feel

Mindshift

Move Mood

Simple Habit