Asking For It

Asking For It

Asking For It

This book is dedicated to all of those affected by sexual assault.

Keep sharing your stories.

Table of Contents I think they’ll see me differently.

It was my fault for going.

It’s easier to make excuses than to face reality.

But it wasn’t what I wanted.

Are you sure this is what happened to you?

Before I knew it, he was back.

I felt like a whore.

Why didn’t you just enjoy it?

This shouldn’t happen to me.

You’re not going to think about it.

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Bibliography

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Every year, there are 293,000 victims of sexual assault in the 1 United States. Most of these crimes go unreported and unprosecuted. When men and women across the country come forward, many are met with accusations and shame rather than support and love. Victim blaming is not only wrong, it re-traumatizes victims of sexual assault. Internalized guilt and shame lead to feelings of helplessness, fear, and depression. Ten men and women have come forward to share their experiences with victim blaming and sexual assault in order to shed a light on these complex issues.

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“I think they’ll see me differently. Like I don’t know, tread lighter. See me as some kind of—I don’t even know: freak, weak, anything like that.”

How old are you?

24.

How old were you when this happened?

I don’t really know exactly. Is that a viable answer? Sometime when I was a child.

Have you ever blamed yourself for what happened?

Oh yeah definitely. I mean how can you not? Hmm—I guess I know why. I don’t know how. Just because—I mean even at a young age I feel like I could have said something or called attention to it somehow more than I might have.

How did the first person you tell react?

Well I mean the first person I talked to about it was the person that knew about it. So the reaction was actually really fucking— it was okay at first. It was nice that someone else knew what was going on, and then it was totally shit because she threw it in my face and said, ‘if you tell anyone else I’ll just deny it all.’ She was the only person who knew for real. So that totally sucked.

It was like it didn’t happen because she denied it.

So, what made you realize it wasn’t your fault—that is, if there was a time that you realized that?

I think I still kind of feel like it’s my fault. I don’t think I’ve moved on.

15 % of sexual assault

victims are under the age of 12.

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4

What kind of reactions have you had from the people you’ve told?

Definitely supportive except for that one time, the person who actually did know what went on. That was in a way blaming me I guess. I feel like it was at least. But yeah it’s been

supportive, mostly because I’ve only told people that I know are going to be supportive.

Do you feel scared to tell people?

Yeah, I do. I think they’ll see me differently. Like I don’t know, tread lighter. See me as some kind of—I don’t even know: freak, weak, anything like that.

How do you think most people who are in your situation probably feel?

Like total shit. Sad, guilty, fucking angry, pissed, scared.

Just like every fucking emotion ever possible, all the time for the rest of your fucking life. Maybe not, I haven’t dealt with it so I don’t know.

What kinds of things do you think contribute towards victim blaming?

Well women are basically like shit in the world. I think that has a lot to do with it. Guys being sexually dominant, seeing a woman as just a piece of ass, the way that woman have to dress to be seen as pretty: basically naked, have a perfect fucking body all for a guy, stuff like that.

What do you think needs to be fixed to prevent rape culture?

I guess it should be talked about more. I know if it had been talked about more with me I would have said something a lot earlier. Even if I hadn’t said anything to stop it when I was that young and didn’t know what was going on, I would’ve probably said something later on. Maybe earlier this guy would’ve been put behind bars—probably not. At least taken out of the military. Yeah talked about for sure, that would be good. Education, stuff like that.

Would you like to disclose any other details?

Well I mean mine was done to me when I was like a child and I just kept it—I think it was just too much to handle so I kind of just forgot about it. I don’t think that’s talked about enough. I know there was that coach at Penn State a while back that got 5

arrested [for what he did with] a bunch of kids. And they didn’t come out until they were older I guess. That’s something. But I just feel like it’s not talked about enough, like it’s kind of taboo.

Just because kids are like an entirely different issue. Just looking at statistics, it’s crazy how much that happens to children. The signs need to be more broadcast. I feel like my parents might have known if they had known the signs.

What made you start remembering what had happened?

I was just so depressed and I couldn’t really figure out why, but I knew why. I knew it. It was just so far back in my memory.

Certain things would make me have really bad panic attacks.

Like tiny, tiny, tiny things. It would just overwhelm me and after a while it just took over my life, and I had to face it. In order to live, I had to face it.

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“I blamed myself for just being there. It was my fault for going.

What if I hadn’t gone to that party?”

How old are you?

25.

And how old were you at the time of the assault?

I want to say I was 20. Nope 19.

How did the first person you tell react?

The first person I told, they kind of just looked at me with shock. It was kind of hard for them to believe. I don’t know if it was because I was a guy, or if it was because someone close to them had been wronged. It’s kind of hard to guess what other people are thinking.

Have you ever blamed yourself for what happened?

Oh yeah. I blame myself every day.

Still?

A little less so, but when I first actually came to terms with what happened with me, I blamed myself for just being there.

It was my fault for going. What if I hadn’t have gone to that party? Maybe things would have ended up differently. I’m the one who put myself in that spot.

Was there ever a point where you realized it wasn’t your fault?

Umm—there have been two points. One was whenever I was with a counselor at Tech. She kind of helped me talk with myself. She made me tell myself over and over that it wasn’t my fault. I didn’t begin believing myself until I talked to my manager and marketing manager at work. Both of them had been involved in similar incidents. It was the first time someone had actually sat me down and told me that it wasn’t my fault.

It was something they did.

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How do you think most people in your situation probably feel?

That it really really sucks. You kind of lose something. I feel like I lost a part of myself when it happened, or at least after it happened. You become a little bit more insecure about who you are. I lost confidence in myself physically, thinking no one would love me. You kind of feel like, ‘why me? Why did it have to happen to me?’ I don’t know. A lot of things rush into your head, and you kind 2 of dwell on it.

2.78 million men in the United States are sexual assault victims.

How do you think society treats alcohol facilitated sexual assaults?

I don’t think they treat it as well as they should. I was drugged and raped. I only had one beer and I remember walking up some stairs into a bed. Most of the night is pretty fuzzy. I just remember waking up. First of all, I had never done that before. If I ever go to a party, I don’t stay at the party. I go home and sleep in my own bed. Second of all, I didn’t really know the people that threw the party.

How do you think people treat male victims?

I don’t know. It’s not something that I tell a lot of people about myself. I do think it’s a little bit more difficult for male victims. I don’t think male victims will come forward. They’ll feel ashamed. If they do come forward, people are going to give them a hard time about it. Typical guys are like ‘so? You got to fuck around with a girl? Why is that such a bad thing? I mean you should feel lucky.’ It’s not consensual. It’s not someone you get to know and have feelings for. If anything, it makes you feel more insecure and leery of people. It’s part of the reason why it’s hard for me to find a relationship now. It makes me think, 9

can I trust them? Are they going to do something to me?

What do you think would change how victims are treated?

I think in some ways awareness. It can happen to anybody. I understand that it happens to girls more than guys, but it still can happen to guys too. At the same time, I just don’t think society takes it seriously enough even in girls’ cases. It’s become a ‘well she brought it upon herself for wearing those kinds of clothes.’ Or ‘she drank enough so she deserved it.’ When in my case, did I wear a thong and short shorts and a tank top? No. Do most girls wear a thong and short shorts and a tank top? No. There’s no situation that because of the clothes you are wearing or just because you’re drinking that anyone is allowed to do anything to you that you don’t want them to do. So I just think awareness in general.

How was the experience telling your mom?

It was scary. She cried. I cried. I think I’ve told about seven people really. Yeah. I think I’ve told less people about my sexual encounter than I have told that I’m gay.

So you would consider that a sexual encounter?

Well it was an encounter and it was sexual. I try not to say rape or anything like that. I don’t know why. I always stay away from that word.

Why do you think you avoid the word rape?

Whenever I hear it, it reminds me of it. Then I just get a whole bunch of feelings mixed in with it.

What would you tell someone if they came to you and confided in you about a situation like yours?

For me, I didn’t get the chance to see that person again or find out who it was. I became ashamed of myself and I just kind of blocked it out. It wasn’t until I had surgery when everything came rushing back. They put me under to get my wisdom teeth taken out, and when I woke up, I woke up crying. The nurses calmed me down and ended up telling me that I had been saying 10

‘No, no,’ and I was shaking. They had to put some restraints on me to stop me from moving. When I woke up, I woke up crying because I had remembered a little bit about what had happened to me. When I talked with a counselor, they told me that that state will help bring back memories like that. So what I would tell someone, if they know who did it to them, to do everything they can to get them sent to jail, or prosecuted to the full extent of the law, whatever it takes; because it haunts you. It will always haunt you.

Is there anything else you wanted to add?

Try not to blame yourself. I know it’s hard. I know you still do.

Just try not to. Find people that are kind of like you. It helps with talking and letting go. It is a letting go process. A long letting go process. Just try is all I can say. Just try.

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“‘Well why didn’t she just leave?

Why didn’t she just say no?’ You don’t look for the bad things.

It’s easier to make excuses than to face reality.”

How old are you?

I’m 19.

How old were you at the time of the assault?

I was 17. We didn’t have actual sex until I was 18.

Have you ever blamed yourself for what happened?

Oh yeah. Like when he made me promise that I was going to be his for forever and whatnot, like it was very much a protection thing. The first time he yelled at me I told him that I had ignored it because I wanted to protect him. Protection is a big part of who I am. I want to protect people that I love. And so because I wanted to protect him, I felt like it was my fault if he ever got in trouble for what was happening.

Just to clarify, why would he get in trouble?

Because he was my basketball coach and I was a student at the school.

How did the first person you tell react?

The first person I told was my mom, actually I didn’t tell her.

They knew something was going on because they knew I was lying to them.

My mom came to my dorm. This was a very long relationship, it started when I was a senior in high school and ended my first week of college.

My mom came to the door. My roommate wasn’t there and she came in and told me 3 to sit down. She had these papers in her

Sexual assault victims are

6more times likely

to suffer from post-traumatic stress disorder.

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hand. They were phone records. I don’t remember verbatim what she said, but she pointed out that I had been in constant contact with my basketball coach. The records only showed two days, but of course it had been a lot longer than that. She asked me what was going on. I tried to explain that we were just really good friends, nothing was going on. She said, ‘I don’t believe that. There are calls made, texts sent in the middle of the night, early morning, 2 o’clock in the morning. You can’t tell me that this is normal.’ I remember she asked me, ‘have you had sex with him?’ I said ‘yes.’ She immediately started crying and she called my dad. I didn’t cry at first because I was so relieved that I didn’t have to carry this secret, this burden. It felt so light. Then I started crying because I knew, like ‘oh crap, this isn’t good.

Why did I say anything?’ But I couldn’t deny it. It was in my face.

There was no way I could lie my way out of this, and I knew that.

So she’s on the phone with my dad, but she’s crying and she’s not really saying anything but ‘yes’ and ‘no’. My dad was really upset. He said that he was disgusted with me and he couldn’t believe that I was doing this and lying to them. They were the first ones to find out.

What made you realize it wasn’t your fault?

It took a really long time to realize that, because the way I saw it we were in a mature, adult relationship. Never mind the fact that I was 17 and he was 44. It took a lot of counseling for me to start going through and analyzing what exactly our quoteon-quote relationship was. I started realizing that the love that he said he had for me wasn’t love. Not one bit of it was. That’s when I started realizing: this isn’t my fault. The age really hit me, and the fact that he was an adult and I was a child. As much as I would’ve liked to have believed I was a mature adult at 17, I wasn’t. The reality that he was so much older than me and that I was so young, that’s what really made me realize it wasn’t my fault. He’s a grown man and he knows better. I was a child. I was completely innocent and unsuspecting. I didn’t ask him to do it. The big thing for me going back and forth between ‘was it my fault?’ or ‘was it not my fault?’ was the fact that I never really told him to stop. I wanted to keep a relationship, and the 15

only way I could keep that was doing whatever he wanted me to do: like buying him things. I spent a lot of money on him. 2000 dollars or something like that in the amount of 9 or 10 months.

There was sexual stuff. Dressing according to how he wanted me to dress. Number one, he was very controlling, but he was also insecure and jealous—even though he was very narcissistic at the same time—about me meeting some college guy or leaving him for some college guy, even though I told him that was never going to happen. And it wouldn’t have; I know that. If I was with him, I was to dress really nice and mature. My hair needed to be down and I needed to be wearing makeup and to just look really nice. But if I was away from him, I was to wear baggy basketball shorts, big t-shirts, and to wear my hair up and no makeup. Stuff like that. He didn’t want anyone looking at me. He told me that all the time. Nike shorts were too short so I wasn’t allowed to wear those outside of being with him.

How do you think most victims in your situation probably feel?

Trapped. I felt trapped a lot, because I never thought that he would ever do anything to hurt me and that’s one of the biggest reasons why—besides the fact that I loved him so much—was one of the biggest reasons why I stayed. He wouldn’t knowingly hurt me. He wants the best for me. I felt very trapped because I didn’t want to lose the relationship with him. Towards the end, I was like, ‘This is not normal, I don’t want to do this anymore.’

My head and my heart were at war. I felt very trapped and very helpless because he had such an emotional control over me. He could get me to do anything with just the threat of breaking up with me or leaving me. Definitely helpless.

How do you think society and the media contribute towards victim blaming?

I can’t speak for every single person, but they see it like how I saw it. I thought we were two mature adults in this relationship and that everything was fine. This was how stuff was supposed to go. This was how relationships were supposed to be. I had never been in a relationship, so I had no baseline. I had nothing 16

to go off of. I think that people view it that way. ‘Well why didn’t she just leave? Why didn’t she just say no?’ They don’t understand that when you love someone, to tell them no physically hurts. You don’t want to do that. And you don’t look for the bad things; you make excuses for them. It’s easier to make excuses than to face reality. I feel like that’s how society and America in general—it’s easier just to make an excuse. ‘It’s her fault because she should’ve left. She should’ve known better.’ I got that from people. How was I supposed to know? How is anyone supposed to know that?

How about specifically related to your case?

Relating more to my situation, they like to focus on the good things that he did. For some reason, thinking that because ‘oh he’s such a good coach’ makes it okay. I haven’t read much of anything that the news has put out, but I mean I’ve heard snippets from my parents. They call him embattled, like he’s battling us. He’s got this huge fight.

What do you think of relationships between teachers and students that are romanticized on television?

It grosses me out. That person is in power over you—because a teacher, a coach, they are in power over you. They can directly affect your lives. They really can—with grades, with playing time. That can lead into college. These people are impactful.

To have that as an added stress [to a relationship], the secrecy of it. True relationships, if there’s nothing wrong, should not be a secret. That’s one of the reasons I don’t watch that show.

They’re showing it like this wonderful thing. ‘It’s okay. It’s not a big deal.’ No, you have no idea the power that somebody has over you in a situation like that: academically, emotionally. It’s very romanticized. It really grosses me out and it hurts, because I feel like it diminishes what happened to me. All of this fancy ‘they’re in love and it doesn’t matter.’ Yeah it does. That’s just another excuse. Oh we’re just going to make another excuse so we don’t have to dive deeper into this. I remember one scene that I saw on Pretty Little Liars. She had gone up to see him and then left, and he said ‘wait thirty minutes and then leave.’

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And that’s what happened to me. It was very similar to that. I don’t understand how people can see a grown man being with a student as okay, because they are a child. Taking that relationship to a romantic level is complete manipulation, because there’s so much more involved in it than just attraction, than just a regular relationship. The relationship between Ezra and Aria is very perverted. The media has taken it and romanticized it, when in reality for a grown man to have a sexual relationship with a student is gross.

What would you like to see change?

I want people to listen, and to keep their mouths shut. I feel like people don’t do that. They just hear maybe a snippet and make an opinion. Listen to both sides of the story. Listen to the evidence. Listen and have your heart and your mind open about it. I feel like that’s the reason a lot of women don’t report, because they don’t think they’re going to be listened to. The feeling of rejection you feel, even in the relationship that I was in, I felt very rejected no matter what I did. It wasn’t good enough. There was no way I thought that I could live without this person. If there was more listening and less talking, I feel that would change a lot. Fortunately for me I had people listen to me, and they didn’t judge me, or interrupt me, they let me talk. They let me tell them the truth about what happened. They didn’t twist it or change it or make me feel stupid. They listened, and then said ‘okay, let’s go from here.’ For goodness sake, stop judging people. Just let them talk. If you don’t agree with it, you don’t have to say ‘I don’t believe you at all.’ Keep your mouth shut. If you don’t believe them, keep that inside. I don’t get why people have to be so judgmental. I’m just talking to you. I’m just telling you what happened. If you believe me you believe me, and if you don’t you don’t. I’m not going to sit here and try to convince you of that.

Has there ever been someone who didn’t believe you?

Well I mean I never talked to schoolmates or anyone like that about it, because I was in college when my parents found out about it. Everyone had left. No one had ever challenged me 18

on that except the defense attorneys.

That’s their job. And that’s just because I didn’t talk to anyone about it that had known me or him previously.

Is there anything else you want to add?

Sexual abuse is trauma. It’s complete trauma. So it’s a struggle to keep going in life. It’s easy to want to go sit in a corner and not do anything, to let it beat you up. You beat yourself up about it too. The shame is not ours. It’s theirs. We did not decide or ask them to do it. They did it knowingly and intentionally. The biggest thing that kept me from being overcome was when I talked to my pastor about what had happened, and he said ‘I’m not going to lie, this is going to affect you, but it does not have to define the rest of your life.’ In that moment I made the decision that this is not going to define the rest of my life. It may affect me for here and now and in the future, but it will not stop me. It will not be a hindrance to me. I’m going to use this. I don’t know how, but people are going to listen and they’re going to see the truth.

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“He basically blamed me because he told my sister and my entire family that I wanted it. That he was only doing what I wanted, but it wasn’t what I wanted.”

How old are you?

19.

How old were you at the time of the assaults?

17 and 18.

How did people react when you told them?

Well I slowly told people because it wasn’t a situation where I could just come forward and say the whole story. The first person I told, I just said the guy was trying to hook up with me.

The guy that I told, he was my brother, and he was really mad. I didn’t even tell him what happened. I slowly came forward, and the first person I said everything to was my aunt and she started crying.

4/5assaults of sexual are committed by someone the victim knew.

Did you ever have any bad reactions from people?

My sister didn’t react well, 4 because it was her boyfriend.

When I told her she was upset about it, but I guess she got over it because she got back with him. So when I tried to talk to her about it and be like ‘look, I don’t want a relationship with you if you’re talking to him, because he raped me.’ She would just blow it off like it was nothing.

Did you ever blame yourself for what happened?

I blamed myself the entire time. The second time he assaulted me—he stuck his fingers inside me—I didn’t realize it was him because I was drunk and I was passed out. When he was kissing me, like I was kind of into it, but I didn’t realize it was him. So I still blame myself for that. I understand now that I didn’t know it was him, but back then I was into it. I was turned on by him, but once I realized it was him I freaked out. I blame myself for that.

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What made you realize it wasn’t your fault?

That’s a hard question. I don’t know because I still struggle with accepting that it’s not my fault. It’s hard to say that there’s just one reason that makes it not my fault. I think just having people remind me that I wasn’t in control of the situation. He chose to do it. I didn’t choose to do it. Also, realizing that never at any point did I say yes or did I say that I want this. And every time that it happened I was drinking, I was under the influence.

I wasn’t able to consent even if I had. Also realizing that he said certain things that would manipulate me into not coming forward. He’s told me that I was crazy and stuff. So just recognizing that made me understand that he knew what he was doing. So that made it less my fault I guess.

How do you think society and the media contribute to victim blaming?

Society fucking sucks. Oh my god. I hate society after going through this. Like there’s a saying going around ‘it’s not rape if she likes it.’ My second assault by him, I was turned on by it, so that’s kind of like ‘I liked it,’ but I didn’t. It just infuriates me how lighthearted people are about rape. I heard this one guy the other day say ‘rape happens all the time.’ And yeah it does, but we shouldn’t take it likely. Just crap like that pisses me off.

What would you like to see change in how people treat topics like this?

I’d like it treated more seriously. People who have been through rape, or people who know people who have been through rape, are much more sensitive about it. I guess I just wish people were just more sensitive about it rather than being like ‘it’s just rape.’

What do you think would change those attitudes?

I think more understanding of what victims go through and how serious it really is. A lot of victims really struggle with getting over it, getting through it. I think just understanding that much would help them.

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Is there anything else you would like to add?

The guy that raped me, he basically blamed me because he told my sister and my entire family that I wanted it. That he was only doing what I wanted, but it wasn’t what I wanted.

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“The questions that they ask you feel so accusatory. ‘Well how much did you have to drink? Are you sure? Are you sure this is what happened to you?’”

How old were you at the time of the assault and how old are you now?

I am 20 years old right now. I was 19 at the time of the assault. It was five months ago.

How did the first person you told react?

The first person I told said that I could either tell about it and deal with a lot of shit, or I could just keep it to myself and never tell anyone else again. He actually kind of recommended that as the best option was to just forget that this happened. Well actually, I guess that wasn’t technically the first person I told.

The first person I told was the person that assaulted me, or that raped me. He said he was sorry.

How do you think society and the media contribute to victim blaming?

I think that the media doesn’t act like it’s that big of a deal, particularly on college campuses. I feel like they just think that since we’re young adults, all we want to do is drink and have sex with a bunch of people. That’s not really the case when you walk around campus; it’s just a delusion kind of created through movies and stuff like that. So when someone does come out about it— because a lot of cases in college are alcohol facilitated—it’s just kind of expected that that’s what’s going to happen to you. I 5 remember growing up and always being told by my mom all the things I needed to do to keep myself safe. I was a cautious person, and I was not like a ‘typical college kid.’ I knew all the right things to do, but it still happened. I don’t think that a lot of people really care that it’s happening on college campuses.

1 inare5sexually women assaulted while in college.

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They just think, ‘well that’s going to happen there; we’re not going to do anything about it.’

Have you ever blamed yourself?

Yes. I blamed myself from the very beginning. I knew it was wrong. Deep down in my gut I knew this was not right. By the definition of rape, I knew I had been drinking therefore it was rape, but I felt ‘well I drank too much.’ Or ‘I must have started it with him.’ The only thing that kept me from completely blaming myself was knowing that I had never done anything like that before. You know, I was dating a girl at the time, and I would never cheat on her, but I still felt like it was my fault. I started blaming myself again when his testimony was read to me at one point, and I was hearing it from his point of view. I remember thinking so many times, ‘oh I don’t want to ruin his life. I don’t want to report because I don’t want to ruin his life. He didn’t understand what he was doing. He probably didn’t mean to. I caused this.’ It’s hard to just say ‘no, this is what happened’ and to stand up for yourself. To even tell yourself that, to stand up against your doubts. I’ve had a lot of doubts. Also because there are a lot of black points that I can’t remember, which should be an indicator to me that it’s not my fault, but even with that I still feel like I could’ve done something differently.

What made you realize it wasn’t your fault?

Honestly just training. At first it was just my knowledge about it. I was very educated on the issue, or I felt that I was. I’m more educated now. Just knowing the definition of what sexual assault and rape is, and knowing that since I was under the influence it was automatically sexual assault. That was the first indicator. Then beyond that it was my friends and those around me.

When I told them what had happened, they were just straight up with me and said, ‘no, this isn’t your fault. You don’t need to blame yourself for this, and you don’t need to blame God for this either.’ I think that was important for me as well was knowing that God didn’t make this happen to me. I didn’t make this happen to me. That person made this happen to me.

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How do you think most victims probably feel in your situation?

I think most people probably feel incredible confused. Especially when there are points that you can’t remember. I think that that brings a lot of doubts like ‘what was going on at this point? Am I trying to make this seem like rape in my head to make me feel better about what is happening? Did I just not want to seem like I cheated on my girlfriend, so I made it in my head that it was rape?’ You come up with all these scenarios where supposedly your mind is trying to trick itself. It’s just an entanglement of confusion. You just overthink it to the point where you don’t even know what happened. Then you get questioned about it over and over and over again by officers and counselors and people. Lately though I think I’ve started feeling the hurt of it.

Finally feeling that I’ve been wronged, and it really hurts to be taken advantage of. Then when you start feeling that, you start feeling like you have less value. Your body has less value, but you as a person also have less value. Obviously incredibly objectified and confused and angry. I feel angry too.

What would you like to see change?

What I would like to see change—there are a lot of things. I think the process in which we investigate these cases needs to be different. Through my experience, I found out it takes up to a year and a half to even do lab testing. That seems crazy to me.

That’s incredibly backed up. I think we need to speed up that process. I think that when a victim is giving their testimony to an officer or some other judicial entity that it needs to be recorded, number one, and that there needs to be someone else in the room. It just doesn’t feel safe. The questions that they ask you feel so accusatory. ‘Well how much did you have to drink?

Are you sure? Are you sure this is what happened to you?’ Yes I’m sure. I already asked myself this before I even came here, and now you’re questioning me about it again. Do you know how hard it has been to just get here sitting with you, and now you’re making me doubt that? So, I think that the process needs to change a lot. I don’t think that we can treat sexual assault cases like every other case, every other criminal act, because it’s 28

not just assault. It’s taking something that was made to be this intimate thing, and twisting it. It’s twisted in your mind, your body, your heart. It twists everything. It’s such a deep assault that it is an affliction of the mind really. When we don’t understand how victims minds are working, and we are questioning them and interrogating them, your case is going to completely fall apart because the victim that is giving you their testimony is going to completely fall apart. So I think that that’s a huge thing that needs to change. I think people’s understanding of what rape is needs to change. I didn’t know until I got to college that if someone had sex while they were under the influence that that was rape. I think that we see a lot of people in movies just getting drunk and having sex. I think film and television play a huge part in what we view as normal. They take these situations and they trivialize them. So it makes it very confusing when it does happen to someone, because they’ve seen these things all their lives. In my case, I’ve seen people in movies get drunk all the time and have sex. That’s not what happened [to me], but it still made it confusing. I had been drinking, and I was in college. So it’s really confusing.

How do you think the fact that you were dating a girl affected the way people hear your story?

I think that if I hadn’t been dating a girl at the time—I think it affected a few things. First of all, I think it was part of the reason he did what he did. He had met her, and not many people had met her. I think that he liked being able to get in the middle of that relationship and be that man that slept with ‘the lesbian girl or whatever.’ I had been dating her over a year at this point and had gone through a lot of shit for being with her. I wouldn’t have thrown that away for this guy that I barely knew. I would have never have done that. It just didn’t make sense. It just didn’t make sense at all for me to do. But I think that he defi29

nitely sexualized that relationship I had with her in his mind. It sickens me. Beyond that, it did affect my relationship with her.

We broke up because of it, not because she was blaming me or anything like that, but just because it was too hard to be in a relationship after something like that.

What has been your experience at Texas State related to this incident?

I have always viewed Texas State as a very welcoming, informed campus. There are a lot of resources at the Counseling Center, lots of resources all over campus. I feel like everyone is very knowledgeable and progressive at this university, especially for the state of Texas. That being said, within the judicial system, I did not encounter the same feeling I’ve gotten from the rest of my experience at Texas State. Basically, I came to the Dean of Students office with this issue, because it was a student-onstudent crime. They sat me down and had me give my statement. That was fine, and they said they would call the ‘other party’ and talk to him and anyone else that was there. In my case, there had been someone with me the entire night. Like she was with me in bed, when it happened—when I was unconscious, and it happened. We didn’t leave because we didn’t want to drive home after drinking. Anyways, they called me back in later, and that’s when they read me his entire testimony and kind of questioned me about it. [They] questioned me about the holes in my story. I had to repeatedly tell them, ‘I have holes in my story because I can’t remember. That’s what I told you. That’s what I confided in you last time I talked to you.’ The interview wasn’t recorded. He was writing it down manually. It was just me and him in the room, which was kind of intimidating. The next time I came in, I made sure to bring someone with me. That’s when he gave me his verdict. His verdict was that it was not consensual, and that the other party would receive deferred suspension, pending on whether they agreed to the terms or whether they appealed. He agreed to the terms. It wasn’t until about a month later that I discovered that what I had been told in that final meeting was not true. He had been given a warning, not deferred suspension. I only found 30

this out because he was on the ballot for Student Government.

Furthermore, in the report that was written, it said that the sex was not forcible, but that it was non-consensual, which are two things that don’t really make sense together. So after already being traumatized by the testimony that obviously blamed me for everything that happened, now I’m being told that I was lied to. I came to the university in trust that they would protect me from this person, that I had also previously trusted as a co-worker—because most of the time it’s someone you know.

I felt just so taken advantage of and blind-sided and like they were treating me like a child. It was like what I said didn’t really matter. I tried to appeal it. I tried to talk to anyone I could, but even the Dean of Students got really angry with me and told me not to talk to anyone about what had happened. She called me on my cell and had me come in after office hours. It was really weird. The whole thing was very frustrating and overwhelming and brought back so many emotions. It just really—was just really bad. It still is really bad.

How has your support system affected you?

I feel like I have a pretty great support system. I’ve always been a pretty open person. It wasn’t that difficult for me to come forward about what had happened. Pretty much, what I found is that a lot of people I know have also been assaulted, which is so scary to know that and to know—like these people, they didn’t tell me until I had told them. My support system has really been incredibly important me. My support system has kind of fluxed in and out. There are some people I’m a lot closer with. There are some people I’m a lot more distant with now. I’m really thankful for the people I do have close to me. I’m thankful to have people who have gone through something like this, and that are at different stages of coping with it. It helps me see where I’m going. It helps me to feel like I’m not alone and feel empowered.

What would you say to him if you could say anything to him?

I don’t know if I would say anything. Honestly, I think I would 31

just slap him across the face. I just wish he knew how much damage he did—to my soul really, and how deep-rooted that damage is. I don’t think he has any idea. I don’t think he has any idea he even did anything—well, I don’t know. I don’t know if he knows that what he did was wrong. I think he does. I think he just doesn’t care. I probably would tell him that he was disgusting, and that he better not lay his hands on anyone again without their permission or I will hunt him down. And that he needs to be afraid.

Would you like to add anything else?

I wish there were avenues for people to come forward about this on college campuses. I think that that’s where a big chunk of these assaults are coming from. I think that administrations need to start addressing that. There needs to be some kind of campaign started specifically for colleges across the United States that gives those victims, those survivors, a voice. And to show the universities that their systems are flawed. I don’t think they really realize that.

32

“So, she made him leave for like a few days, and before I knew it he was back. It just made me feel betrayed.

Like ‘oh you’re not going to protect me.’”

How old are you now, and how old were you when you were assaulted?

I am 32 now and I was—let me think what age you are in 7th grade. Let’s say like 12 or 13.

How did the first person you tell react?

The first person I told was my mom, and her reaction was ‘are you sure? Are you sure you didn’t misunderstand anything that happened?’ And I said ‘yes I’m sure.’ So she said, ‘alright I’m going to call you back.’ She was at work. I was at my grandparents’ house. She called me back later, and apparently she had called her boyfriend. He had told her ‘no, that’s not the case. She must have misunderstood.’ My mom was kind of sitting on it, and then she finally called him back and said ‘I don’t believe you.

I believe my daughter.’ He confessed to it then. Initially, she was at work so she couldn’t ask a lot of questions. When she came home she was like ‘okay now tell me exactly what happened.’

Did you ever blame yourself for what happened?

Oh no. Never. Absolutely not.

How do you think that most victims probably feel in your situation?

You definitely feel shamed and dirty. I just remember feeling violated. I remember exactly how I felt. I remember exactly what I wore that day. It had happened before, but it took me a while to realize it because I would be sleeping. The morning I finally realized what was going on—my grandmother and my aunt would take us school shopping every year. It would be like an all-day thing, and we would knock it out. That day was school shopping day. I remember being very quiet, not having an appetite, being very sick to my stomach, feeling like I really wanted to tell. I was scared for my mom, of what they would do. If they would have me taken away from her, if she would get in trouble. So that’s the real reason I didn’t say anything to my grandmother or my grandfather. These were my dad’s parents, not my mom’s parents. I just couldn’t wait to get home after all the shopping, so I could call my mom.

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Had it been going on for a while?

It had happened a couple of times. It wasn’t over a long span of time. It’s just that I would be sleeping and I really wouldn’t realize. I don’t think I really realized that he’s in my bed and it’s the wee hours of the night. I just would be asleep and would realize he was there. I just figured ‘oh he wants to cuddle with me.’

I don’t think I made the connection until I realized what was happening that this is weird. I would be in the shower and he would come in the restroom and try to talk to me about something while I was in the shower. I just never really made the connection. I feel like I was an innocent girl that really didn’t know a lot about all of that. It wasn’t until it clicked. Now I look back as an adult and think of all the little signs that there were that I never really said anything about.

Did you feel scared to tell people even after you told your mom?

The only reason I was scared was for my mom—out of protection for my mom. I didn’t feel scared to tell anyone because of what they would think of me. I knew it wasn’t right. I was just minding my business. I never felt scared to tell anyone. The only reason I kept it a secret from anyone in my family was to protect my mom.

Did you ever tell the rest of your family and if so how did they take it?

They were upset with me for not saying anything, but they told me that I was absolutely right. They would have taken me away in a heartbeat, because she let him stay after the fact.

How did that make you feel that she let him stay?

She made him leave initially. She made me get on the phone with him that night so that he could apologize to me, which really upset me because I didn’t want to talk to him. So, she made him leave for like a few days, and before I knew it he was back. It just made me feel betrayed, like ‘oh you’re not going to protect me.’ I’m going to have to hold it down for myself. I really feel like my heart hardened at that point, and I began 35

taking matters into my own hands. He and I had a very volatile relationship. I had no respect for him and I lost a huge amount of respect for my mother.

How do you think society treats issues like sexual assault?

I really feel like so many people are so desensitized to it nowadays. Society is oblivious to things, because they want to be oblivious. I feel like people don’t want to see and want to know what’s going on. I think to myself—there are so many times where I share my story with some of the girls I disciple, and I swear to you about 75% will then open their mouth and say that it’s happened to them too. So I feel like it’s more common than people realize, or than they want to realize. I’ve also had quite a few friends that it has happened and it has been way more intense than a molestation, like full on rape, and have written in their journal that it did not happen, and have convinced themselves that it didn’t happen. They know it happened, and they never said a word. I think now I’m at a place where I’m realizing how many of these men, or women for that matter, that have done this to people are walking free and have suffered no consequences because of it. I also have a friend who, part of her ministry was going into prisons and ministering to people, and helping men work through some of their things. The majority of men who have been molested by their mothers suppress it so deep down that they don’t remember it happened, until you begin to walk them through a deliverance and healing process and they begin to realize what’s happened, and why they do the things that they do. It happens to a lot of women, but it happens to men too. A lot of them just 6 suppress things to the point where they just don’t even

50 % of sexual

assaults are within a mile of a victim’s home.

36

know. They don’t realize it right away.

What would you like to see change about how people treat this topic?

I think that the hard part about what really happens with this is that it’s usually someone you know—someone that’s a family member, someone that’s close. I think whenever you have those situations, people don’t speak up. They don’t say anything. I feel like it really shouldn’t matter who the person is. If they’re going to commit that act, there need to be consequences. I don’t care if you tell your parents 25 years later, it needs to be addressed. That’s what I would like to see. That people would address it and stop sweeping things under the rug and pretending like they didn’t happen. But I understand there’s like all this weight of ‘it’s going to rock my family.’ That’s okay. How did you feel? Do you want your sibling to be violated? I think to myself, just having the courage and really trusting the Lord and knowing there’s no fear in that. It’s just doing what you have to do, and the Lord will take care of the rest. Even if it gets ugly for awhile, people should not be able to ruin lives like that and just move on with life like nothing happened.

Is there anything else you want to add?

I think one of the things I would like to see change from my personal perspective is parents, protect your children. If it happens, do something about it. Take a stand.

Don’t punk out because you don’t want to be alone. There are better people in the world. It’s not worth the emotional damage that it causes to people and the relationship that it ruins. I thank God my relationship with my mother is completely restored.

God has really done a work in that, but I had to make a decision to allow that to happen. Now I have children of my own, and 37

to be honest with you—she’s engaged to be married and he’s a great guy—but my children will never spend the night over there, not without me there. That’s just a price she’s going to have to pay and she understands that. She doesn’t get offended by it. She respects that, but to me I have to protect my children. You know I think that it still makes her kick herself for it, because she realizes that she’s still paying the cost for that decision. I forgive her, totally, but I’ve learned. I’m not going to make the same mistake with my daughter.

38

“I felt gross. I felt like a whore. I just felt nasty and used and completely dehumanized and objectified and worthless because of it.�

How old are you?

20.

How old were you at the time of the assault?

16.

Any information you want to share about that?

The person who assaulted me was 18. So it was statutory rape.

What had happened was, I moved to Port Arthur from Austin my freshman year of high school. I immediately started dating a boy. We fell in love and lived with each other and he had a best friend. I always thought the best friend was cute, but I didn’t flirt with him because I had a boyfriend. After three years, I had to break up with my boyfriend because he wasn’t doing anything. So I was very depressed. I had been spending every single day with this boy for three years. I didn’t have any friends.

I didn’t know what to do. His best friend texted me asking me ‘hey, let’s go work out. It will get your mind off of it.’ So I said ‘yeah absolutely. Let’s go hang out.’ At that point in my life I had been taking Adderall recreationally. I was prescribed it also, but I wasn’t using it the way you were supposed to. That was also something this guy liked to do, so we would do that together.

Then we would take bath salts together sometimes, before all that horrible stuff came out about it and everyone found out it was really bad for you. I was young. I was an idiot. He said it was fine so I did them. Then we started dating. He was now my boyfriend. A few times he had tried to have sex with me. I said ‘no, I don’t want to.’ He knew really really well that I was not interested in having sex with him. So one night, I was really anxious and I was sitting in my car outside with him. He came to me and said ‘you should calm down. Do you want a drink?’ Like a coke or something. I said ‘yeah,’ and he brought me a drink, not an alcoholic drink. I drank it and that was normal. I drank it while smoking a cigarette in my car. I stayed the night with him a lot at his uncle’s house. So I went into the house and told them I was going to go take a shower. I shut the bathroom door and locked it. I remember getting kind of dizzy. I didn’t think anything was wrong though. I took my clothes off and turned 40

the shower on and then fell on the bathroom floor. I passed out.

At least I think I passed out. I don’t remember anything after that. I woke up next to my boyfriend the next morning and I was naked, and he was naked, and everything hurt, and I was bleeding a little bit. I asked him what happened and he said ‘oh you know, we just had sex.’ I was like ‘No. No. No.’ He convinced me that it was something that I wanted and since I couldn’t remember I was like okay. He left his house and I left also. I drove to the park and called my best friend and just started crying.

I told her I fucked up and had sex with this boy. I thought it was my fault. My best friend still doesn’t know that I was raped. Since I thought it was my fault, I kept hanging out with him. I didn’t have anybody else. I didn’t have anything. I was on Adderall 7 and bath salts. I had lost like 20 pounds in three weeks. I was tiny. I had to go buy like new pants, and this whole time I’m upset because I don’t know if I was raped or not. I’m like clearly upset in front of my mother and the whole time she’s telling me that I look great because I’ve lost so much weight and thinks it’s awesome that I’m not eating anything. I kept hanging out with him. One night we were at his grandparents’ house alone in one of the bedrooms. He got on top of me and I said ‘no I’m not in the mood right now.’ And he said ‘no it’s fine, it’s fine.’ And I said ‘really, no.’ He’s about 6’2”, probably 180 pounds. He works out a lot. He has really big muscles, a really big man. I was also 16 and about 110 pounds at the time. So he just kept going, and I didn’t really do anything.

I kind of just laid there because I knew there wasn’t anything I was going to be able to do either way. I didn’t know if it was okay, didn’t know what was happening. Then he drove me home after that and said that he was sorry. After that, I called some people that I knew in Austin and told them that I couldn’t be in Port Arthur anymore. I left within the next few days, was

44 % of sexual assault victims are under the age of 18.

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just gone. I moved to Austin by myself. I got in a fight with this girl because I was so angry and didn’t know why. I sent her to the hospital. I had to finish high school in alternative school. I missed my prom. I just moved to Austin. I ran away.

How did the first person you tell about what happened react?

I moved to Austin with this woman that I had known for a few years. She was about 40 years old. I told her and she replied with a similar story, and kind of acted like it wasn’t a big deal. It happens all the time. It’s fucked up, but it happens all the time.

She put me in therapy for it and then we didn’t really talk about it.

Have you ever blamed yourself for what happened and in what ways?

I did. It probably took me about six months to a year to realize that I was raped and that it wasn’t my fault. I didn’t just completely fuck up and have sex with a stranger, which isn’t wrong per say but isn’t something I would have chosen to do. I felt gross. I felt like a whore. I just felt nasty and used and completely dehumanized and objectified and worthless because of it.

How do you think society and the media contribute to victim blaming?

I think they completely contribute to victim blaming, even in ways that aren’t intended to. Even in a really basic way, they victim blame because when a girl gets raped they say ‘oh but those poor boys. Oh my god their futures are ruined. Why was that girl at that party alone? Why was she drinking?’ It’s like no one puts together that I’m a fucking person and I’d like to have a beer like everybody else does in the world. Just because I have a 42

vagina doesn’t mean I should have to hire bodyguards to escort me places. You should just learn to control yourself. Even in that stupid ‘Blurred Lines’ video. It’s men wearing suits while girls dance naked around them.

What would you like to see change?

I think just kind of taking the taboo away from it so that people are talking about it, and people are getting educated about it, because I think a lot of girls that are raped, including me, were raped by people that don’t think that they’re rapists. Like, I don’t think that my perpetrator honestly believes he ever did anything wrong, and that’s the fault of society. That sucks really bad that it’s 2014 in America, and people are still raping people, and not even realizing it just out of sheer ignorance. Not to say all rape stems from ignorance. I just would like the taboo to go away. It really sucks for me to have to sit down with people and have that conversation with them and be like ‘so I was raped,’ and it be this big deal. It should just be this other thing about me, not even a thing about me, but a thing that happened awhile ago that now affects me. It sucks that to begin a relationship with somebody, I’m going to have that awkward conversation with him. It’s going to be awkward because of the taboo that society has placed on it. That’s another way in which victims are so fucked over even after the incident. We continue to just get taken advantage of.

43

“That bit of: ‘why didn’t you just enjoy it?

Why didn’t you just relax?’ is a message that I’ve heard quite a bit of.”

How old are you right now and how old were you at the time of the assault?

22. I was 16 at the time of the assault.

What happened?

I had broken up with my boyfriend of about a year and a half at that point. It was an abusive relationship, so I really tried to branch out and meet new people, completely new people that were not connected to him at all. I found myself going to a youth group and hanging out with a couple of the guys from there. They hung out with their pastor a lot, so I ended up hanging out with this pastor more and more. We ended up hanging out one on one a couple of times because he was ‘concerned about things.’ I’m throwing up air quotes with that. He invited me to go to lunch with him one day, and he invited me into his house only wearing his boxers. Shit happened.

How did the first person you tell react?

I definitely was in denial about it for a little bit. I ended up telling my brother, and he was like ‘oh so you had sex with some 45-year-old.’ And I was like yeah because I just didn’t really want to deal with it. It was much easier to rationalize it that way with people, because at that point I didn’t have to talk about it anymore. Ever since then I’ve been acknowledging it as what it was, assault, I think the first person I told that to was really supportive and they were really nice about it.

Would you say that there was a period that you blamed yourself for what happened?

In that period when I wasn’t acknowledging that it was assault, I was definitely telling myself that I had wanted it. I myself was saying like ‘oh if I didn’t want it, I wouldn’t have put myself in that situation.’ As a 16-year-old, as a victim, I was victim blaming for so long.

What made you realize that it wasn’t your fault and that it was assault?

I am a very emotional person, but I also hold onto things and 46

don’t talk about things. So I ended up starting a relationship with a new guy. He overheard my aunt make reference to it, and he asked me about it at that point. I had made myself not think about it for like a year at that point, and it was one of those things where it was just like that’s happening.

How do you think most victims probably feel?

With the way society is right now, I think it’s a little complicated. Like if you’re a transgendered individual, there are a whole different set of issues that come along with being sexually assaulted. When you’re a gay man there are a whole lot of issues that crop up with sexual assault. When you’re a woman there’s a whole crop of issues. From a gay man’s perspectives, I definitely think there is a lot of ‘well you liked it.’ Men in particular are thought of as sexual beings, so sexual assault in the male area is like ‘oh well you wanted it. Why didn’t you just like give into it because it was a good time for you?’ Being a gay 8 male, gay males are often even more so sexualized. There’s just that stereotype that every gay man goes out and hooks up with everyone they see. That bit of ‘why didn’t you just enjoy it? Why didn’t you just relax?’ is a message that I’ve heard quite a bit of.

107

Every seconds another American is sexually assaulted.

What do you think contributes towards the victim blaming attitude in our culture right now?

On campus, a lot of situations aren’t dealt with properly. Being a resident assistant, I’ve had a resident who came to me and told me about being sexually assaulted. They ended up making the decision to report them, and they have really been kind of—not pushed aside, but since they didn’t come immediately, the police 47

officers have told her that there’s really nothing they can do for her. That’s just one case, but if that is how they are treated here on campus, that is definitely a contributing factor. I definitely think that media and society contribute to victim blaming. I read a poll, and it’s a poll so you know half of those statistics are made up, but it’s a poll that was like ‘12% of women agreed to the statement that it’s okay for a man to forcibly make a women have sex with him if he spends a lot of money on her.’ 12% of women agreed to that and then like 50% of men who were polled agreed to it. Those ideas of ‘oh well you wanted it.’ It’s so stupid.

What do you think the conversations we need to be having are to change this climate?

Sexual assault is not sex, and it isn’t sexual. People think it’s sex, and it’s not. Sex is over here, and it’s consensual, and it’s fun. Sex is sex and it does that. Sexual assault is assault using sexual methods. People often put the sexual before the assault when it should be the other way around—when it is the other way around.

Have you had any people in your life that have blamed you for what happened?

I don’t surround myself with very many people, but the people I do surround myself with are very well chosen. I definitely have had more of an experience with my personal friends and people I choose to associate with of being supportive of that. But I definitely do still get ‘oh well you wanted it. When he answered the door in his boxers why did you go in?’ Different things like that still come up to this day, and it’s been seven years. They still say ‘it wasn’t that bad.’

Is there anything else you wanted to disclose?

I have a lot of opinions. I definitely think that entitlement is something that needs to be addressed. No individual is entitled to anything from another individual. People feel like they’re entitled to interact with people, to touch someone, to do things for x, y, and z reasons. You are not entitled to anyone’s life other 48

than your own. You are granted privileges and people don’t look at it that way. People think that they are the star of the movie that is the world, and that everything revolves around them. If I want to have sex with someone, I’m going to go have sex with someone even if they don’t want to.

Do you think people feel like they have to say yes in those situations?

Definitely. Especially when it’s not like physical, like I’m beating your brains in and then raping you. Most sexual assault happens between people who are in a relationship together, or on a date after they took you to Palmer’s. I dropped 50 dollars on a tuna steak for you, so they’re entitled all of a sudden. I feel like there are a lot of people who feel pressured to say yes to the person they’ve been dating for two years. Or if they say no, and they are coerced into having sex. A lot of people don’t think that’s a problem. Coercion is sexual assault. Anything but consent is sexual assault. Hanging it over someone’s head that you dropped 50 dollars on a tuna steak, so have sex with me, that’s rape.

49

“It just felt like this should never happen to me. I’ve never kissed a guy. I’ve never had sex.

This shouldn’t happen to me.”

How old are you, and how old were you when this happened?

I’m 18 now. I was 17.

How did you feel when it happened?

Shocked was I guess the initial feeling.

Shame I guess too, even though I knew it wasn’t my fault. You can’t help but feel a little bit of shame.

Scared, a bunch of ‘s’ words.

Did you ever feel like it was your fault?

Uh, yes. I guess I felt like it was my fault for a little while because there was alcohol involved. I had had alcohol. I was at a party.

I was dressed provocatively. So I guess I kind of felt like—even though I didn’t ask for it—my body language, and actions and courage did. I never felt I was 100% to blame, but I felt like I could have prevented it.

Who was the first person you told and what was their reaction?

I think the first person I told would’ve been my best friend. I told her that I’d been partying, and I just kind of told her that the past few months I had been involved in things I hadn’t usually been involved in, and because of that had come to this situation. She was super innocent, like she had never had a guy’s phone number, like home school innocent. When I told her, I think the first thing she did was cry, she was just so upset for me. It wasn’t easy to talk about, but it’s gotten easier.

Are there any details you want to disclose about what happened?

It was in Roanoke. There were a bunch of people trying to reen51

act the Project X party. The dad was cool with it; he was taking shots with us. I mean bounce house, DJs, ecstasy, bars, drugs, the whole nine yards. I got there early because one of my friends knew the girl that owned the house. We pre-gamed with shots and then everyone started to come. There was dancing. There was this guy there who had way too much to drink, and I was trying to take care of him. He’d been throwing up a lot. He had thrown up on one of my friends and I was going to a bedroom to find her clothes to change into. When I walked in there, this guy had followed me. He grabbed my wrists and pulled me into the room. He shoved me into the wall with his forearm against my back, and I hit my head against the wall. There were two other guys around the corner, and I ended up seeing them, and I knew at that moment what was going to happen.

It just felt like this 9 should never happen to me. I’ve never kissed a guy. I’ve never had sex. This shouldn’t happen to me. I’m too good of a person, but this happens to a lot of people. I was frozen. The music was loud. If I screamed, no one would hear. Before the other two came any closer, he was undoing his belt buckle and was touching me in places I did not care to be touched in. He had thankfully had more to drink than I did, so I was able to shove him off as he was taking off his pants and get away.

1/3

In of sexual assaults, the perpetrator was intoxicated.

How do you think most people in your situation feel?

Used and devalued. I felt that too. I’m a person. You’ve heard it said before that women can’t rape guys, and I don’t think that’s the case. They could, but the fact that anyone feels that they have a right to another person’s body in any shape or form— even just disrespecting someone verbally. You don’t have that 52

right. They don’t own me. They didn’t even know me. And I don’t think being able to blame guys for this innate need to have sex is valid at all.

What made you realize that what happened wasn’t your fault?

For a long time, I thought I could’ve done something about it. I was mad at myself for getting involved with partying. I’ve heard a statistic thrown around—I don’t know if it’s been validated— that one in four women are raped or assaulted. I realized that even if I wasn’t there, even if I wasn’t dressed that way, it could have easily still happened. It wasn’t my fault. I didn’t ask for it. He followed me. I had no idea who he was. He had no right to do that.

What do you think of how society treats sexual assault cases?

I think there’s a stigma in our society just about sex in general.

You hear guys in the locker room like, ‘yeah I touched her butt.’

Did she ask you to touch her butt? Or, ‘I kissed her and felt up her boobs.’ Even within a relationship, did she ask you to do that? Is that what she wanted? So many times, the girl doesn’t ask, but doesn’t stop it. I feel like for the most part guys ask for sexual favors. At least once a day women can be either whistled at or spoke down to. It’s not flirting. It’s disrespectful and degrading. I have a face. I have a personality. I have intelligence.

I’m not an object to be held.

What do you think would change those attitudes?

A miracle. I think it’s deep-rooted. The dominant-submissive—I mean you see it even in like... Fifty Shades of Grey. It’s this new fad in our society where he [the man] dominates over women.

If stuff like that continues to happen we’re only going to get worse. As long as it’s being demanded, some women will supply it. When something happens, the repercussions of it, even if it’s not rape—good it’s not rape, she got away—but they should still be punished for that. If a little kid did it at school they would get grounded, but with college students it’s not as big of a deal. And that’s kind of frustrating.

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“I was like, ‘okay you’re going to see your boyfriend today, and you’re going to smile. I don’t care what you feel; you’re not going to think about it.’”

How old are you now, and how old were you at the time of the assault?

How old am I right now? Oh, I’m 20. I was 19.

How did the first person you tell react?

She cried. It was my sister. She cried hysterically, but she believed me, which was probably the best thing ever. I wasn’t really expecting it, because it kind of happened really quickly. It was before New Year’s—you know New Year’s you’re trying to get better or whatever, leave things behind. So I was writing a note in my room, and I was writing it, all of the memories that I had repressed came back. It was like two months after the fact. I was writing it and I just started crying, just from the realization of it I guess you could say. I didn’t know who to go to. My sister and I—although our relationship can be rough at times—she would be the one that I depend on the most. So at that time, I threw everything on the floor and I ran to her room and told her.

She believed me and she cried a lot.

Did you ever blame yourself for what happened and how so?

Yes, a lot. A lot because it took me two months to admit to myself. What happened was, the day after, it was morning. He didn’t let me leave. I wanted to, but it was like three in the morning around that time and he wouldn’t let me leave. So, I got up really early and was like ‘fuck this I’m leaving.’ I don’t even know if I slept, I don’t remember. I just remember that when I came to, it was morning and I was like ‘I gotta go.’ When I got to my dorm, I felt dirty. I went to take a shower and in the shower I wanted to do the cliché thing that you usually see—like the scrubbing really hard, but I felt like I didn’t deserve to do that. At the time, my boyfriend who I’m with now was also with me then. I blamed myself because why would this happen to me? I’ve never been like a sexual person. I don’t connect that way with people. My boyfriend was the only person I had ever wanted to do that with. All of a sudden there it was, somebody that I thought I could trust as a friend. So that’s why I started blaming myself. I was like, ‘it’s my fault. I brought this upon 56

myself. I went there that night. I trusted this person.’ Then he just completely ripped it up in my face, you know? So after I took a shower, I looked at myself in the mirror and I was like ‘okay you’re going to see your boyfriend today, and you’re going to smile. I don’t care what you feel, you’re not going to think about it. You’re just going to bury it. You’re going to go along like it’s normal.’ So that’s why I blamed myself. For the longest time I believed that I was a cheater. That I was a whore or whatever, or like the dirtiest thing ever. It didn’t help that when I confronted him about it, he blamed it on me too. He said that it was my fault.

So you were still in contact with him after that?

Yeah, I was actually. Because he was my friend, and I didn’t want to admit to what happened. I never said anything out of fear, and he never said anything obviously. I did try to bring it up once, and he said ‘it’s normal. It’s a normal thing that happens.’

So that confused me, because I was like, ‘this isn’t normal. Why should I feel this way afterwards?’

What made you realize that it wasn’t your fault?

I’ve gotten a lot better. If you would’ve talked to me last year, I probably would have still told you that it was my fault. I probably would have still sat here and looked at you and said ‘yeah, what happened is my fault.’ After telling my sister, with her believing me and my word, that sort of helped me to find help.

I went to therapy and that sort of helped me come to terms.

It was the first time that somebody told me that it wasn’t my fault, and I could believe that it. Yeah, therapy.

How do you think most victims in your situation probably feel?

Umm—well I joined a forum for survivors. A bunch of them still feel the shame and the guilt obviously. For some of them, there’s a lot of sadness. Maybe sometimes there’s also anger. I know for me, I had a whole bunch of those. From sadness, I went to anger.

I think that a lot of victims feel a ton of emotions that make it hard for them to even know what it is that they’re feeling. That’s how I felt.

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How do you think society and the media contribute to victim blaming?

Well there are always those people, my mother for example. It was a snowball effect when I told my sister. I couldn’t deal with knowing what I knew and not being able to tell my boyfriend, who was the person that loves me and cares about me. Basically, what happened was I told my boyfriend. My boyfriend’s mom came to the house when I was telling him, and she noticed that we were all sad and crying and angry and punching things. She was like ‘what’s happening here?’ So I had to fill her in. This is my victim blaming number one. She was like ‘you have to take responsibility. You have to go to the police and you have to report it.’ But I wasn’t ready. She goes ‘well what were you even doing at his place? Why were you even there? What were you thinking?’ The third thing she said was ‘if I had been in that position, I would’ve kicked and screamed. I wouldn’t have cared if somebody had killed me.’ Stuff like that. You don’t know how you’re going to react to these things. I would have said the same thing if it hadn’t happened to me the way it did. I froze.

That’s also part of where the guilt comes from. When I got home, my mom noticed that I was all messed up too, and my sister knew what was happening. I was in distress and I told my mom. My mom left the room. She left me, like always. She didn’t believe me. When she came back, she did the same thing that my boyfriend’s mom had done, saying like ‘why didn’t you kick? Why didn’t you scream? Why didn’t you tell me sooner?

What was going through your head? I always tell you not to be out at night. What were you doing?’ Like questioning me. What else was I supposed to do? I feel like because, every since we were little you know, we grow up thinking oh we need to be the ones to defend ourselves. Other people are trying to hurt you.

You’re not allowed to be vulnerable in public because everybody’s out to hurt you. Also the fact that it’s not people saying ‘men shouldn’t rape. Oh women should be careful of rapists.’ That’s one thing that really bothers me. Also just like the questioning of the victim, because when it comes to the actual occasion when it’s happening you don’t know how you’re going to react.

Those are some of the things that bother me the most, espe58

cially the ‘you should take care of yourself. Girls have to carry mace and carry a pocket knife. Don’t be wearing something short, because that gives them an excuse.’ That bothers me a lot.

What do you think would change some of those attitudes?

There are people that advocate, but maybe advocating differently. Maybe we need a whole different kind of movement. I feel like there isn’t a lot of education about this kind of stuff, especially with the police force. The police that I dealt with were really crappy. So if they’re the ones who also aren’t very informed on the topic, then can you imagine just a regular civilian?

Especially because you know, some people sometimes just think that it’s a joke.

I don’t know how much more information we could 10 possibly give these people, but obviously there is something missing. People aren’t getting the point. More information, I don’t know. Obviously, you don’t want these bad things to happen to other people in order for them to understand. That’s not something you want.

I guess just a different way to inform. Even then though, I don’t think people really want to hear. It’s one of those topics that are so touchy. People don’t really want to talk about it.

98 % of rapists will

never spend a single day in prison.

If you could change one thing about how this is treated what would it be?

Let’s see. When it comes to law enforcement, because I know this firsthand, I would like there to be—when a victim is being interviewed, I don’t want there to just be a cop. I want there to be someone that is a specialist in this kind of stuff, so they can understand. Not only that, so that they can be there for a time when a victim is trying to put the pieces together or when 59

they’re afraid, so that they won’t be so afraid. You know, you just have a cop there that’s trying to set out the facts. That’s not just what I want. I want there to be another person there that will actually try to understand me. That’s what I wanted whenever I was being questioned by the police. Now when I say eff the police, I really mean it. I’m very disappointed in the way that they handled my case.

Would you like to disclose any details about your story?

I would like to share my story actually. Yeah, I would like to share my story. Okay, so it was when I was a sophomore. I know this information seems really irrelevant, but it has to do with the aftermath. The summer after my sophomore year, I felt that I had finally reached a point where I was happy with myself.

Everything was going well. My relationship with my boyfriend, school, parents, everything was going so well. That semester I chose to join an organization here on campus. It was called— what was it called? I’ve blocked out so many things. I don’t even remember what it’s called. I can’t remember right now. It was a Latino organization. It was where they danced salsa. It was like a lot of Latin dancing. The organization itself wasn’t bad. I had a lot of fun. I was making friends. That was a way to get out of my shell. I joined that in September. I was having fun, and then the day of the social came. I attended it, although I didn’t really want to, but I still did. That’s where I met—let’s call him J. I don’t want to say his first name because I will like cry. So that’s where I met J. He asked me to dance. We were actually really good dancing partners. It disgusts me to admit that now, but we were. It makes me want to physically throw up, but we were. I was a good dancer. That’s what makes me really sad about everything.

He commented 60

on that too. That’s when I thought that we had a friendship happening. Before long—you know I had my boyfriend—we started hanging out a lot, and he would tell me that he liked me.

I told him, ‘no I don’t do this. I have a boyfriend. I don’t play games. I’m not about to do this with you.’ Even then, that was only about feelings. It wasn’t even physical. Throughout the course of our ‘friendship,’ I guess you could call it, he did little jabs that I probably should have seen. For one, he was always really talking bad about girls, and how they would break his heart. I knew some of the girls that he was talking about, and they either didn’t like him or they had other things. They just didn’t want to be involved with him. He would talk about girls very disrespectfully. The second one would be that there was this one night that he went to a party, and I found out that there was this girl that was really drunk at the party. He and her got locked in a room or something like that. He supposedly didn’t want to do it with her because she was drunk, but he did anyway.

That situation in itself was already kind of rapey because the girl was out of it. If you would have been a respectful man, you would not have done that in the first place. It doesn’t matter if you were locked in a room, or she was throwing herself at you or half naked. At least that’s my opinion. Men should not do that to a girl. So those were some instances that bothered me, but because he was my friend I didn’t say anything. Then came the night of [the rape]. We were supposed to have a movie night as friends. I thought that I had set the boundaries correctly. I had told him ‘no I’m not doing this. I don’t want to be anything with you. I’m not going to leave my boyfriend.’ I remember telling him that specifically. We were having a movie night or whatever. I wasn’t drugged. I wasn’t smoking weed. I wasn’t on drugs. Nothing like that. I don’t remember a lot of things. I just remember that he started to kiss me, and he started going further and I said no. I pushed his hands away and I shook my head, and he didn’t get it. Like he just kept going, and I was like ‘why is he not stopping? Why is this happening right now?’ Then a whole bunch of stuff is blocked out of my head that I can’t remember. So then after that day, I continued to talk to him because I blocked it out. I didn’t want to think that that could 61

happen to me, or that that had happened. The act had happened with someone that wasn’t my boyfriend. I just didn’t want to think about any of that stuff. Then as I hung out with him repeatedly afterwards, I knew that there was something wrong, but I wouldn’t address it. So then after the semester was over, I contacted him twice and I asked him ‘why did you do what you did? I wasn’t okay with it.’ It didn’t come out quite the way that I wanted it to. Then he said ‘it was your fault. You were playing games.’ I was like ‘no it wasn’t.’ Then I just gave up on trying to get him to apologize, because that’s really all that I wanted.

The rest is history. I confronted him before I told my sister. He never admitted anything. He never said anything. I felt like I was just an object to throw away once you’re done with it. Not only that, I thought that we were good friends. You don’t do that to somebody that is your friend. That is some of what I remember. I may not be able to tell you what happened physically because my mind blocked that out, but I can definitely tell you my thoughts. I retreated to a place in my head, and after so much time I can still remember what I was thinking, but not what was happening. I just remember being afraid and thinking of any way to make it stop. I know my body did what it had to do to survive the moment and keep me sane. Also, after I admitted to myself what had happened and finally got the courage to go to the doctor, I found out I had contracted an STI from him. My world completely crashed. I would not have told my rapist if the cops hadn’t told me that I had to. His nuts could have melted off for all I care. I experienced victim blaming at the police. The detective accused me of being in an abusive relationship with my current boyfriend. The police report had a load of bullshit in it, which I didn’t find out until a year later. I dropped the charges because the detective said I had no case. It was ‘he said, she said.’ Since my case had already been handled like shit, I dropped it. The only thing I was able to do was keep him away, and if he contacts me I am allowed to call the police.

Is there anything else you want to add?

I hate him.

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Bibliography 1. U.S. Bureau of Justice Statistics, Sex Offenses and Offenders. 1997.

2. National Institute of Justice & Centers for Disease Control & Prevention. Prevalence, Incidence and Consequences of Violence Against Women Survey. 1998.

3. World Health Organization. 2002.

4. U.S. Department of Justice, National Crime Victimization Study: 2009-2013.

5. National Sexual Violence Resource Center. 2010.

6. U.S. Department of Justice, Bureau of Statistics. 1997 Sex Offenses and Offenders Study. 1997.

7. U.S. Bureau of Justice Statistics, Sex Offenses and Offenders. 1997.

8. U.S. Department of Justice. National Crime Victimization Survey. 2009-2013.

9. U.S. Department of Justice, Bureau of Statistics. 1998 Alcohol and Crime Study. 1998.

10. Rape Abuse and Incest National Network. 2009.

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