puny heart a miniature zine by brianna robles
“IT’S NOT LIKE THAT,”
He said when we sat in the flowers. “I never hurt you - I never hurt you.” His sausage fingers grabbed my hand and held it as if he had just lost someone very dear to him. I think he was losing me at that time. “Remember when you said you don’t see us breaking up? I don’t see that happening either. We’re young Bri, but we’re gonna make it.” And he kissed me and I felt like a watercan pouring down with tears, letting them fall into the grass as if I was watering the soil. “I love you so much.” But I was so quiet. I hadn’t spoke the whole time when we passed by the little boy who saw what he did to me. I black out the memories of him hitting me, so I don’t remember much. I just remember him holding my hand and apologizing over and over. I didn’t break up with him until a month later.
u said to clear my mind when i went on a walk yesterday. i was too drunk 2 walk and i couldn't get my door open so i stayed on my couch and listened to nirvana and i wanted to cry because nothin seems right without u anymore. i want to send things while im drunk to you but i know i would feel embarrassed the next day so i keep my mouth shut.
i tried to tell you that i was born from the earth while i was high before but i didnt know how to write. i wanted to apologize for bein so high. mom and dad didn’t like it when i was and i felt like a failure when i was in a substance abuse group at PR. i just get rlly sad and i miss ur soul and ur face.
a girl laid on your shoulder at a party and i don't like that girl anymore. i shouldn’t be so overprotective. but u said u got up and moved away from her but im scared because i cant trust you. i know you probably smiled at her and felt the warmth from her cheeks brush onto your shoulder. you probably just told me u left. u spent the night at another girl’s house because of the rain but i really doubt that. i cant trust you and it makes me sad.
i wish i could see you and i wish i could tell you i love you. im so scared and i dont want to tell you i love you because im scared i will latch onto you. i think i already have and im so scared because i will always be stuck in the cracks of your lips, just like the other girl you kissed. i can taste her spit on yr mouth and i get sick. i haven't kissed you in months and im glad i haven't.
I cut my arm a inch wide and reported to the emergency room and got my first stitches. It was over the fact that I felt dumb.
I smoked cigarettes for a while hoping that it made me feel better. Whenever I was anxious I smoked, and I picked up cigarettes off the ground because my friend wouldn’t give me packs. He says, “Smoking kills, you know,” and I said, “I know.”
He never bought me flowers. No boy has actually bought a bunch of flowers for me. I have never had a smell of floral scent come through my nose as a knock appeared at my window. I just buy myself flowers. I guess just because I speak my own floral words, and I should reward myself.
I AM SO SAD // NO ONE UNDERSTANDS MY PAIN // OF THAT HORRIBLE NIGHT // IN THE MIDNIGHT RAIN // HE HELD ME DOWN // PRESSED HIS SOUR LIPS AGAINST MINE // MY SCREAMS COULD HAVE WOKE UP THE WHOLE TOWN // BUT I WAS DRUNK AND DUMB // I DIDN’T KNOW WHAT I WAS DOING // I WAS ONLY A CHILD // I WAS STUPID AND DARING // I WANT TO KILL MYSELF // TO THE FARTHEST EXTENT // SLITTING MY WRIST // SEEMS BETTER THAN HAVIN’ PEOPLE TELLIN’ ME TO VENT // INSTEAD I SPENT YEARS IN THERAPY // STILL AM // TRYING TO GET THIS IMAGE OUTTA’ MY HEAD // I ASK GOD WHY DID HE DO THIS TO ME // HE DOESN'T SAY ANYTHING // JUST CONTINUES TO IGNORE ME FOR FREE // MY OLD BOYFRIEND TOLD ME HE’D KICK HIS ASS // NOT ANOTHER LIL’ FINGER BETTER GET LAID ON MY PRETTY FACE // I AM BEAUTIFUL AND I TOLD MY TEACHER THROUGH A POEM // A COUP DE GRÁCEO WAS NEEDED FOR HIM PRONTO// I ASKED WHY AND HE SAID “BECAUSE ALL HE DID WAS SCREW WITH YOUR HEAD” // HE MADE ME FEEL SICK THE MORNING AFTER // THROWING UP IN MY COFFEE CUP AND HAVING DIARRHEA IN THE SUMMER MORNING // POOLS OF SWEAT IN MY WHITE SHEETS // FOR I HAVE NEVER FELT SO DUMB FOR NOT TAKING THE WARNING //
UMBRELLAS WERE NOT NEEDED FOR THE ANGEL’S TEARS THIS YEAR. I WALKED IN THE RAIN WITH ONLY THIGH HIGHS AND HELD MY BREATH AS IF I WAS SWIMMING. I PLUGGED MY NOSE AND OPENED MY EYES TO MY MOM IN THE WINDOW. SHE WAS GETTING READY FOR WORK AND SHE ASKED ME WHERE I HAD BEEN. I SAID “WITH MY BOYFRIEND.” AND I WENT TO SLEEP AND SHE JUST SMIRKED AND ROLLED HER EYES. SHE WAS HAPPY FOR ME.
I WANTED YOU TO SPEND SUMMER WITH ME. NOW I AM JUST SO SAD. I CANNOT SIT WITH YOU AT THE ICE CREAM SHOP, I CANNOT LET YOU BRAID MY HAIR. I CANNOT LET YOU KISS ME UNDER THE POOL TABLE ANYMORE. I AM JUST SO SAD. I BURNED MY LEG AND I STILL FEEL LIKE DYING. I KNOW I’M JUST A LIL GIRL WITH NO BIG ISSUES IN HER LIFE AND I MIGHT BE OVER DRAMATIC BUT GOD DAMN IT I HAVEN’T FELT THIS SAD FOR A LONG TIME. I LOVE YOU SO MUCH. AND I JUST WANT TO HOLD YOUR HAND. I MISS YOU SO MUCH. YOU WERE THE SUN CRAWLING UP MY BACK, BLANKETING ME WITH YOUR WARMTH. I MISS YOU, I MISS YOU.
This is a song for anyone With a broken heart This is a song for anyone Who can't get out of bed I'll do anything To be happy Oh, 'cause blue skies are calling But I know that it's hard This is the last song that I write While still in love with you This is the last song that I write While you're even on my mind
LIST OF THINGS THAT MAKE ME CRY 1. when i don’t get my way (example: not getting my hair dyed the way i want) 2. watching breaking bad over again 3. seeing my parents cry 4. when i hear one of my ex’s are doing better than me 5. when people confront me about stupid things from the past 6. when people notice my cuts / burns 7. when boys tell me i look like trash 8. when i have panic attacks 9. when im drunk and wanting to leave you and be angry 10. reading john green books
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THINGS TO DO listen to real friends (because i promised her i would) stop being such an angry person keep up with my journal invite people that i kind of like into my house and offer them snow cones delete 20,382 messages from him and I get a stick n’ poke wear short sleeves to school share lockers with him don't end up in pinerest this year learn to drive and get a job and be mature!!!! be an adult!!! be happy with my body… don't get laser surgery at all and keep going to group therapy and see my doctor write letters to my family in charlotte make more zines like these stop being so aggressive and take my medication regularly even when i dont want to write letters to my teacher hold my hand and love myself dont let anyone look at me wrong love my best friends stop smoking so much weed dont kill myself make more lists like these try to be positive
a letter to younger bri: dont be mad at your mom that one day and grab the biggest kitchen knife you could find. just relax, take a breath, count to three. color. do kid things. dont spend all day playing games. kiss your uncle before he passes. love your parents and family members. keep writing in your diary. keep writing forever.
liddoslug@gmail.com