P_Q_
A Collection of Anonymous Confessions By Brittany Bobo
P_Q_
A Collection of Anonymous Confessions By Brittany Bobo
The Confessions Project Through this project, I aimed to uncover the deepest secrets of those around me, to reveal the inner thoughts and feelings that we as humans naturally keep concealed. From March 24th to March 27th 2015, I reached out to social media and asked people to submit completely anonymous confessions through a form of 6 given questions. The 6 questions were designed to make those answering feel uncomfortable and maybe even provoke feelings that they had never contemplated. Some gave 3 word answers and some poured their hearts out in detail. Some painted a mental picture and some left me wondering. The responses were far more powerful than I expected, and I have been completely moved by this project and those who contributed. This book has been designed in a loose, experimental manner, using line and shape. The confessions are shown as they were received.
4
The Questions The 6 questions are color coated throughout the book. On the edges of each page, you will find an identification number P_Q_. This number organizes the confession by person and question. Example: A page listed as “P3Q4” represents the 3rd person to confess their answer to question 4. You can find an index of each person and their responses on page 120.
Question 1: What do you pretend to like and why? Question 2: Do you have one “friend” you secretly dislike? Why? Question 3: What is your biggest regret? Question 4: Who do you love more, your mom or your dad? Why? Question 5: Describe your worst childhood memory. Question 6: What is something you do in private that no one knows about? 5
6
P47Q5
Question 1: What do you pretend to like and why? P47Q5
7
P3Q1
I pretend to like other people individually, but the reality is that I hate most men equally.
8
P7Q1
Doing anything that requires motivation. I just really love how my bed feels and wish I could never leave.
9
P8Q1
I pretend to like my chosen field of work, because I’m stuck with it, and I’m pretty good at it.
10
P13Q1
Cigarettes. Everyone smokes and when a group goes outside to smoke, I want to be part of it.
11
My mother broccoli s husband’s She makes vegetarian for me EVE At 10 year this relat it’s too l me to say
P18Q1
in law’s salad, my favorite. a special n version ERY time. rs into tionship, late for anything.
P26Q1
Talking. I find it mentally and physically exhausting, mostly because of my anxiety, but I put myself through it at work and with family so that I don’t appear anti social, even though that’s exactly what I am.
14
Smokin g weed around people other . I pr etend it bec t o like ause e veryon does l e else ike it .
P9Q1
15
I pretend to like my boyfriends mom and family
P11Q1
because sometimes when you love someone you have to make sacrifices.
16
17
P41Q1
, ome h ng bei te g n ha and oyi tly e j d n . s E nsi say. one i h g a I yin ing a t v s ha not
My girlfriends friends because it makes her happy while they do have some positive qualities about them
P40Q1
they are mostly rather
unintelligent and unproductive members of society
18
P34Q1
I pretend to like working out because all my friends love it
19
WORKING.
P10Q1
I have a “good “job that pays well with amazing benefits, but I hate knowing that I’ll have to do this for 30 years. I don’t want to work. I want to enjoy life. Every waking second of it. I remember being a kid on summer vacation and everyday was new adventure. Now it seem everyday is exactly the same as the last.
20
WORKING. P23Q1
I know I have to do it for survival purposes, and because I went to college the expectations for me to be successful has raise tremendously. All I wanted to do was think outside the box and be able to share my knowledge FREELY with others without having to charge them for it.
21
P37Q1
sometimes things that guys do in bed, probably because i know they won’t know how to do it even if i tell them or i don’t want to hurt their feelings
22
P16Q1 P47Q5
Everything that other people like just to please them
23
P45Q1
iet nd qu a y h ol. s nd co eing a b f e o k m alo to li e see tend m e r s p e I mak se it u a c e b
24
25
P46Q1
I pretend to like tripping acid at every show I go to because everyone else is but I know I shouldn’t do such harm to my mind so often.
26
P47Q5
Question 2: Do you have one “friend” you secretly dislike? Why? P47Q5
27
P6Q2
most of them, because they lack common sense.
28
I’m nice to her to her face because I try to be a nice person, but I can not stand her. She’s totally airheaded, her body language annoys me, and she doesn’t have any common sense.
P1Q2
29
I dislike her because she spends so much time judging and bitching about other people that I can’t
P8Q2
help but feel like she does the same about me when I’m not around.
30
One of my best friends never grew out of the “lets go out and get wasted everyday” phase.
31
P10Q2
We’re 26 years old. Its time to start thinking like an adult.
P13Q2
They always have to oneup everything I say. If I share something I’m proud of or worried about, they immediately have to share a similar concern. But make theirs sound more important.
32
And they don’t comment or help with what I’ve said. They need to have the more important issue. But we’ve been friends since childhood and used to play together, and even though I’m sick of her personality as an adult, she’s been a part of my life too long.
I can’t stand to be around her anymore.
33
P12Q2
Because honestly she’s a bitch.
P14Q2
Yes, she is selfish and condescending and rude to everyone and lives life in a terrible way
34
but it’s just easier to play along to keep the peace.
35
P30Q2
Yes, I disagree with almost everything she says and I don’t think she’s funny or nice
P29Q2
Yes. She puts me down in front of others to build herself up. Sometimes it makes everyone really uncomfortable and I just try to laugh it off to balance out the energy in the room.
I love her and give her the benefit of the doubt, hoping she doesnt consciously do it. But sometimes I wonder if I’m just being naive and forgiving.
36
She hasn’t grown up much, and still talks about the gossip she did in high school. I still love her as a person and know she’s been through a lot in life so I try to overlook her debbie downer negativity.
37
P46Q2
I only keep in touch with 1 friend from high school and she is my “best friend” in terms of how long we’ve been close but I don’t consider her someone that I always enjoy being around. She can have a very bad attitude to the point where being around her in public can be embarrassing.
P47Q2
I’m friends with someone I go to school with and dance with. I do better in school than her, usually do better when it comes to dance, and she’s pretty insecure about her looks and weight. I always feel like I have to play myself down to avoid make her feel bad. Being around her is actually kind of exhausting, because I feel like I can’t be my best self, or be too confident.
38
39
P45Q2
Yes. She never has anything interesting to say and doesn’t know how to listen.
Yes, I think most people do. Probably because we live in a world where it is easier to angst and keep our mouths shut
40
rather than act upon our feelings about someone and avoid confrontation. P37Q2
41
42
P47Q5
Question 3: What is your biggest regret? P47Q5
43
P4Q3
Choosing advice over my own inclinations
44
On Monday she was dead.
45
P5Q3
Saturday, November 8, 2008, I cancelled plans to hang out with my best friend.
P7Q3
Waiting so long to be social and open with people. I wasted nearly 20 years mostly by myself.
46
P8Q3
I regret not punching my stepdad in the face for being a child molester.
47
P15Q3
Going to Pratt.
48
Never apologizing to Tyler for the things I said to him when I last saw him.
P12Q3
Now he’s gone and I never said sorry.
49
50
Both my parents passed away recently. Together almost 50 year,s they passed four months apart. I have many regrets when it comes to them -about not calling, not helping them, not asking them about the good, the bad and the ugly, living too far away from them, not asking my dad to teach me guitar, so many.
P18Q3
I constantly go back and forth on whether having a kid was a good choice or not. Part of me knows that I am so invested in this child that I’d be lost without it, but another part of me feels like I am doing this child a huge disservice as a parent because I cannot provide for it now like I could maybe ten years down the road.
P26Q3
51
P31Q3
I really regret the ways I dealt with negative emotions when I was younger. When bad things happened (like when a woman I loved betrayed me) I never made any effort to actually get over my sadness, I only wallowed in it, and allowed it to poison me. Instead of telling that person who wronged me that it bothered me, I just pretended like they didn’t exist, even though we were in close contact with each other. I also regret the fact that I’ve hurt myself because of the way others have made me feel. It’s caused a great deal of problems with my own body image and even my sex life. I can’t expose myself in front of others
because I feel I have to explain why I have the word “HATE” carved into my chest, or I have to explain why it’s hard for me to just have sex with someone I don’t know very well. I can’t trust women because of these things, because I fear they will emasculate me further if I allow them to love me again. I feel like the events of the past took part of me with them. In some cases, it’s too long after the fact to go back to those people and really give them shit for hurting me. It feels like those pieces are lost forever, but I feel connected to them by long strings as if I were tied to them forever. This is my hell.
52
not being there for her and getting the chance to reconnect. I will always regret not hugging her one last time or telling her that she was the most important person in my life. Regret is one of the biggest punishments we inflict upon ourselves, and we are the only ones who can cure it. I know that someday I will be able to embrace her memory and our time together, but today there are still good days and bad days. Today is a good day.
53
P39Q3
My godmother was diagnosed with stage four ovarian cancer a few years ago. This woman had been the closest thing I had to a soulmate so when I found out I completely broke down. I planned on going to see her and talk to her more but I just never got the chance. Getting that phone call that she passed was the most heart wrenching thing I have ever felt, it felt like a part of me died along with her and I never thought I would be able to fill it. At her celebration service (we dont have traditional funerals in my family) I found out she had started writing a book of memoirs for me but never got past the first recording. I will always regret
P36Q3
Sleeping with a married man
54
55
P22Q3
Wasting too much time
P33Q3
Joining the military.
56
57
P25Q3
I had an opportunity to become a flight attendant, one of my dream jobs. I turned it down to stay with my boyfriend at the time. And I haven’t been able to find any other job that is even semiappealing, let alone a job that uses my degree or makes me proud of the person I think I am. I’ve kind of let myself down more than I ever thought I would.
P29Q3
Allowing others to have a larger influence on my identity than myself. I think I lost touch with myself because of it. It has taken me up until now to realize this and find the path back to who I am supposed to be.
58
P42Q3
My biggest regret is probably breaking up with my ex girlfriend. She has probably been the most inspirational person in my life. I did it because it seemed like the right idea at the time and for some reason I thought we would eventually get back together, but I ended up hurting her too bad.
59
P16Q3
er
th t far e g o re t my do mo t ’ give n d t i ’ d n I could That ved nd I a deser e f y i e l h t in hat ren w d l i h c
60
P19Q3
My biggest regret is letting my past make me bitter. I can’t seem to let it go, and it is ruining me as a person. 61
P47Q3
My biggest regret isn’t one isolated incident, more like a way of being. I’ve always been very reluctant to open up to people, I guess as a way of protecting myself from getting hurt. But it’s also the reason why I only have a few people who I could genuinely call friends, and why most of my romantic relationships ended. I wish that I hadn’t been that way, because while I have avoided major letdowns, I probably missed out on a lot of meaningful connections.
62
63
P46Q3
I regret breaking up with my ex-boyfriend of almost 2 years in the way that I did. It was a good decision, and without doing it I wouldn’t have met the true love of my life, but I feel bad about bottling so many emotions until it was too much and then just breaking up with him out of no where. He was really distraught over it and even mentioned suicide. He seems happy now but I feel we never had complete closure.
64
P47Q5
Question 4: Who do you love more, your mom or your dad? P47Q5
65
P3Q4
My mother, because I have been able to communicate with her throughout my life like a friend, whereas my father will never be my friend.
66
dad. he’s always supported me and loved me unconditionally. Mom always has conditions.
P12Q4
67
P7Q4
My mother. I don’t have a dad to love.
68
My mother. I might love my father more if I knew him. P15Q4
69
P32Q4
It’s hard for me to say since I feel that both of my parents should be loved the same way, which they are, but I am significantly closer to my dad than my mom. When I was in middle school my mom ended up moving out to live with another man while my dad was struggling to take care of me and my siblings. I was watching all of his heartbreak and helping him with my brothers while my mom was taking trips and doing things with this new man. I am incredibly close with my dad, but it’s not until just now years and years later that I have been gaining back the relationship with my mom that I had when I was very young.
And it’s difficult for me to try to move on from my moms actions. Although I love my parents equally, my dad is the one that I have the most admiration for. 70
71
P38Q4
My mom. Shes gone now and i realize everyday how strong she was. She had a way of making you feel better about yourself even if she didn’t approve of your actions. She was always There never asked for anything. I miss her everyday.
It’s tough to say. My mom has had a rough path with alcohol abuse that’s led to physical abuse toward me. My dad is very passive and emotionally distant. I’ve never had the
P17Q4
best relationship with either. I guess now that my mom has gotten some help for a short period of time we have gotten a bit closer. I’ve really had to push myself to kind of be the daughter she has always wanted me to be. It’s a bit difficult but we seem to be on a better level now and can communicate a bit easier.
72
My dad. He is more level headed and laid back, and my mom tends to be more controlling and anal. It makes it impossible to share anything with her, when my dad can just be a good listener.
P13Q4
73
P23Q4
My dad. He gave the world just so I can have a better future.
74
75
P37Q4
My mom, because she showed me more feelings and she raised me more than my dad.
P20Q4
My mom and because she never hit me.
76
P4Q4
my mom. she never left me- until she died
77
P28Q4
I love my mom infinitely more than I love my father. Although he played a major part of my upbringing, he is emotionally abusive. 78
P26Q4
My mom. She passed away two years ago and she was kind of the lesser of the two in bad parenting. My dad knows he is terrible, and he admits it, but never changes being a terrible dad. My mom, she really tries to make up for all the time we lost, and I was so busy being a teenager and hanging with my friends that I never appreciated it until I had lost her. So maybe it’s just the guilt.
79
80
P47Q5
Question 5: Describe your worst childhood memory. P47Q5
81
P5Q5
A loud bang. Darkness. A man tapping on the window of my car door. Smoke. He lifts me out of the backseat and holds me close to his chest. A pain in my stomach. I ask him to lay me on the ground. My mother screaming. They use the jaws of life to open her car door. She won’t stop screaming. In the ambulance they cut off all of my clothes with scissors. My favorite butterfly shirt. She won’t stop screaming. My stomach hurts and I just want to sleep. They tell me that I have to stay awake. I throw up in the cat scan machine. Pizza. They put a mask on my face and tell me to count backwards from 100...
99... 98... 97... 96... 95... 94... Darkness again. I wake up in a hospital bed. Tubes and wires tie me down. One coming out of the left side of my nose, one coming out of my throat, stickers on my chest, an IV in each arm, a heart monitor on my finger, two tubes coming out of my side, a catheter. They tell me they had to remove several feet of my intestines, but the good news is that the doctor made the incision around my bellybutton so at least I still have that. They tell me my mother broke all of her ribs and is in a coma. I don’t want to see her. Today is my 11th birthday.
82
83
P6Q5
my parents divorce
P10Q5
I think I was molested by a cousin of the same gender (male) when I was younger. Not sure. Could have been a dream, could have really happened. It messes with me time to time.
84
The death of my first dog. Elliot was his name. I was only about seven when I descended the stairs one morning to see my mother sitting on the floor, sobbing next to the lifeless body of that fat old Beagle. P7Q5
I cried for days.
85
P27Q5
When I was in kindergarten, I had this friend. She and I were best friends. Maybe we saw it happen on TV, but in secret we would kiss and touch each other, pretending to be couples or make up romance scenes.
I know we didn’t know what we were dong then, but it still horrifies me to think about to this day. I have no attraction to females in any other way other than my straight-girl “women are so pretty” aspect.
I believe as we got older we stopped being friends because we were equally ashamed and couldn’t stand to look at one another.
86
he lived in a mental institution for two years
when I realized my dad wasn’t perfect because
P1Q5
87
P31Q5
Where I grew up, my town was known for having superb schools. Very demanding, competitive, difficult schools. In grade school I had a hard time because it was a small town and I didn’t really fit in very well. I was a pretty sad kid, in and out of therapy starting in second grade, diagnosed with depression at a pretty early age. it wasn’t until I discovered drawing that I really got it together. That shit was my saving grace. I was fat, ugly and couldn’t catch a football but I could fucking draw better than any motherfucker in my grade school. That was how I stood out from the crowd, it was my voice. I had practiced pretty much relentlessly, drawing shit that was pretty advanced for my age (at least conceptually: doing exploded views of motorcycles, weird dragons and hockey
players from pretty extreme angles, a lot of it from my imagination too). In fifth grade I had one art class a week in school, that was my fucking time: I owned that fucking classroom. Crayons bent to my will, colored pencils followed my every move with gusto, it was a glorious feeling, the first real high of life—the first time you think to yourself, “wow, I’m actually fucking good at something.” It was custom for me to draw with a crowd of kids watching. This particular day I drew a cartoon of a castle, some real slapstick shit: a knight ripped his pants to expose boxers with hearts on them, another knight had fallen into the moat as alligators licked their chops, and one knight was even stuck to a wall, dangling from his cape which was unfortunately caught 88
on a spear. This was a huge fucking problem. My art teacher (the one person I could trust the most) kept me after class. The school district has a zero tolerance policy for displays of emotional nonconformity. This makes the administrators think they’re preventing people from harming themselves, but really what they did—and still do in any such situation—was to tell me I was being suspended. Instead of asking me why I drew the picture or even what it meant, they informed me that It was wrong to depict suicide in such a graphic manner (you weren’t saying that shit when my Van Gogh portrait was “realistic” you out of touch bitch, pardon me for being good at drawing for a ten year old). I didn’t even know what suicide was, I was so confused as to why I was in such
big trouble and why no one would listen to me or let me explain. They called my parents, told them I was a danger to myself and to other students, and wouldn’t allow me to return to school until I went to a psychiatrist and got a signed doctor’s note stating that I wasn’t going to kill myself or anyone else. Everyone followed protocol to the tee, and no I didn’t kill myself, but I had never even thought about it until I was betrayed by those I felt I could trust, belittled by the system, and patronized by doctors. This was only the first of many incidents which ended similarly. Kid expresses he is sad because adults tell him he should talk to them about it > Adults penalize kid for expressing feelings that are not inline with what is deemed acceptable. Catch 22.
89
P23Q5
Not having enough and not realizing that all I needed was my family to be whole.
90
P14Q5
My worst childhood memory is hearing my dad call my mom a whore
91
P3Q5
Seeing my father get arrested at 530 in the morning, in my own house, by 14 federal agents.
92
93
P37Q5
Almost getting raped by a drunk man in the woods, I was about 7
P38Q5
I was raped as a young teenager by a naval officer and never told a soul. It was the 70s and somehow i felt it my fault. 94
95
P33Q5
My father taking drugs and hitting me and my other
P32Q5
My uncle was fishing and caught a catfish in the water so he pulled it up on a pier and put a nail through it’s head with a hammer so it would die. I was about six when this happened and I’ll never forget it. Lol
96
I remember my two brothers and I were living with my mom and my oldest brother trapped me in a garbage bag while my mom was at work. My youngest brother had to watch as I tried to get out. Eventually I did and I threw up on myself and my mom got mad for ruining my clothes. My brother has since tried convincing me it was a dream. I know it wasn’t. P26Q5
97
P45Q5
I disliked my grandma when I was a kid because she was illiterate and I thought she didn’t know anything, and so when my brother was still a toddler, I would tell him to go up to my grandma and hit her for fun. She never got physically hurt but I could tell she was offended by it. I didn’t think she knew it was me who was telling my brother to do that and so I kept doing it. One day she broke down and started crying. At that moment
I knew that she knew it was me. She wouldn’t have gotten so emotional from something my brother, who was 3 at the time and didn’t know what was going on, did. She cried and cried in front of my mom and said it was my brother who was making her upset, but I knew she knew it was me. She just didn’t want to embarrass me. At that moment I felt guiltier than I’ve ever been. I never admitted it to her or confessed. I was 9 years old.
98
P21Q5
When I was depressed I used to harm myself on my thighs excessively but there specifically so no one would see them, I haven’t harmed myself in a few years but I’m still reminded of it everyday when I see the scars. 99
P17Q5
I think a lot of my worst childhood memories stem from the constant verbal abuse about my weight growing up. My moms brothers are very into fitness and being active and my mom never raised me and my brother to that extent of activity and from that I was always the chunky one (still am) in the family and I get a lot of negative
comments about my body from them. The hardest part is that no one sees it as a problem. I’ve suffered from slight eating disorders and I’m still not happy with how I look from the emotional scars that they gave me.
100
101
P44Q5
My dad molested me when I was 10 years old.
102
P47Q5
Question 6:
103
P47Q5
What is something you do in private that no one knows about?
P15Q6
I’ve exposed myself entirely too much. I used to make music videos of myself, nude, dancing, talking to myself, talking about my frustration with type...now I’ve critiqued these videos in class so I don’t know. That was my last embarrassing private moment. I wish I’d remember to masturbate more often. Sex with yourself can often times be more satisfying than sex with a partner.
104
P31Q6
I masturbate. A lot. People probably know that already though... 105
P4Q6 / P11Q6
Cry
106
107
P36Q5
Pray
P1Q6
e i k oo en c of d th s ge g an up a k ac ttin hrow p t i e s r f i l ne yse nt o e m eat gh in ake dou to m try
108
P46Q6
I’ve w witho atched l esb ut my boyfr ian porn iend knowi ng.
109
P10Q6
Listen to weird fake alien messages on YouTube. Everyone has their form of escapist fantasy. Benevolent aliens coming down to fix the worlds problems. No more war or barbarism. It’s nice to think about, however odd it might seem.
110
P3Q6
I pace and I think, room to room, every square inch of ground I can step on, every thought I can construct, for hours every single day.
111
P41Q6
I think about life and what’s my purpose on earth.
112
113
P19Q6
Creep on my exes or girls I don’t like social media.
P8Q6
I cut myself on my hip. Not to try to kill myself, just to remind myself that I’m alive, which is really stupid but I need it sometimes.
114
P43Q5
Cry about everything that I think is unfair, and then leave it behind. If I ever find myself wishing I had more, I can say “no, I was already sad about this” and move to something positive. I’ve learned to appreciate more.
115
P7Q6
I grab my balls really, really hard and twist them.
116
117
P27Q6
Watch videos of dog rescues, moving performances, powerful speeches, and cry at their capabilities and delve into their emotions.
P30Q6
I practice twerking in the mirror because I think it’s hot.
118
119
P29Q6
Stand in front of the mirror naked and judge what I see. Pull the fat between my legs back, pull my waist in. I wish I was prouder of my body.
Index Person
Pages
1
29,87,108
2
*
3
8,66,92,111
4
44,77,106
5
45,82
6
28,83
7
9,46,68,85,116
8
10,30,47,114
9
15
10
20,31,84,110
11
16,106
12
33,49,67
13
11,32,73
14
34,91
15
48,69,104
16
23,60
17
72,100
18
13,50
19
61,113
20
76
21
99
22
55
23
21,74,90
24
*
25
57
120
Person
Pages
26
14,51,79,97
27
86,117
28
78
29
36,58,119
30
35,118
31
52,88,105
32
70,96
33
56,95
34
19
35
*
36
54
37
22,41,75,93
38
71,94
39
53
40
18
41
17,112
42
59
43
115
44
101
45
24,39,98
46
25,37,63,109
47
38,62
*response(s) omitted from collection
121
I’d like to give a very special thanks to all of the anonymous contributors who opened their minds and hearts to me for this project.
I don’t know who or where you are, or if you’ll ever see this book at all, but I am truly grateful.
-Brittany
P47Q5